Animals: Today, while arriving at my best friend's wedding, I accidentally... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 429

You deserved it 113

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 175

You deserved it 1 506

30/05/2009 18:04

Today, while arriving at my best friend's wedding, I accidentally ran over her 2 dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 686

You deserved it 25 536

This Charming Man

The smell detective is on the case

You tried

15/07/2015 02:11

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 432

You deserved it 2 817

28/12/2010 07:44

Spicy

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 968

You deserved it 7 843

11/12/2013 20:14

Spicy

Today, my grandma added to my elephant collection by giving me some underwear with elephant ears on the hips, and a long, sock-like nose. She has no idea they're meant for a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 730

You deserved it 5 373

Nope.

By Just Set Me On Fire - 13/09/2017 23:15

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 008

You deserved it 205

21/02/2012 19:17

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I'd heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 577

You deserved it 2 332

23/06/2009 05:04

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 134

You deserved it 68 721

18/03/2016 12:49

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Druncle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 893

You deserved it 16 134

Snug as a bug…

By Anonymous - 02/10/2019 02:01

Today, my nose had been feeling weirdly uncomfortable all day. After I got home, I blew my nose really hard. I found that a bug had been resting inside my nose the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 707

You deserved it 141

02/08/2013 14:08

Spicy

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 499

You deserved it 8 194

14/01/2017 10:00

Spicy

Today, my coworker, who I hardly ever speak to, gave me a birthday present. It was an 8,000-word extremely graphic story of how he convinced a lesbian to have anal sex with him in the work bathroom. She had my name and characteristics. I'm the only lesbian he knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 964

You deserved it 694

15/01/2012 19:26

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 735

You deserved it 4 837

24/01/2012 11:47

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 701

You deserved it 2 949

11/01/2019 14:00

Today, I deliberately snapped a pic of myself and edited it to add to my story, in order to make my ex think I have a life on a Saturday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 178

You deserved it 2 127

25/07/2012 13:03

Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 797

You deserved it 3 609

08/06/2010 14:24

Today, my cat knocked over a cup of scalding hot tea - but don't worry, the carpet wasn't damaged. It went all over my leg instead leaving a nice big scar for my holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 594

You deserved it 4 378

28/04/2009 11:16

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 717

You deserved it 250 431

Entitled bitch

By das_shizzle - 02/05/2020 05:00

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 620

You deserved it 211

Caddy Shack

By Anonymous - 07/09/2019 14:00

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 349

You deserved it 148

22/05/2017 18:00

Today, the cute coworker who's been flirting with me drove me home. While I was contemplating asking him to kiss me, he politely told me to, "Please get out, I promised my girlfriend I'd pick her up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 999

You deserved it 1 012

Put the eggs in one basket!

By PsychoBoulevard - 13/03/2017 08:00

Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 169

You deserved it 1 127

18/04/2009 20:49

Today, I was folding the laundry. At one point, I had to take a moment to figure out whether a pair of underwear was mine or my mothers. I'm 18. She is 56. Enough said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 414

You deserved it 12 871

27/10/2008 02:34

Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 807

You deserved it 7 241

26/06/2012 05:44

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 193

You deserved it 52 287

The I in LGBTQA+

By Anonymous - 25/01/2021 05:02

Today, like every day, I'm an intersex woman. I can't orgasm, have no vagina, and can't have my own kids. Every new partner I have requires an embarrassing explanation and biology lesson because no one knows what intersex means, even though it's quite common. At least I don't get periods? FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 271

23/12/2016 02:31

Today, my $200 drone malfunctioned and wouldn't stop. For fifteen minutes I followed it on my bike until it finally disappeared. On the way back I was pulled over for not wearing a helmet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 972

You deserved it 1 784

13/02/2010 05:23

Today, I realized for the last year that my husband has been home from Iraq, I haven't gotten more than a few hours of sleep at night. Not because he gets nightmares, but because he now snores so loud that the pets sleep at the other end of the house to get rest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 649

You deserved it 3 220

08/03/2009 05:47

Spicy

Today, I bragged to a coworker that our boss compliments me constantly on my work performance, my fashion sense, and my trustworthiness. She then directed me to a "neighborhood watch" website. My boss is a registered sex offender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 168

You deserved it 8 175

21/08/2019 20:00

Today, my psychiatrist said, "Well, good luck." at the end of my appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 525

You deserved it 181

25/05/2011 00:02

Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 814

You deserved it 53 158

Get back here!

By oceangirl - 08/02/2012 00:14

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 105

You deserved it 2 444

26/11/2009 06:18

Today, my parents and I went to the movies for my mom's birthday. After the movie, my mom and dad got into a fight, and left me at the movies. My cell phone was dead, and my house was about 12 miles away. They finally came and picked me up, hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 793

You deserved it 3 163

18/11/2011 23:36

Spicy

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me over for an "important chat". This chat consisted of him not only insisting that we have sex whenever he feels like it, but demanding that I take birth control pills, because making him wear a condom is "sexist and degrading". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 179

You deserved it 6 384

17/07/2014 20:48

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too nice. Apparently, me being nice to him makes him feel guilty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 659

You deserved it 4 718

Communication breakdown

By xX_nsn_Xx - 03/02/2012 14:47

Spicy

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 473

You deserved it 9 990

11/09/2015 10:51

Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 396

You deserved it 8 831

07/11/2009 08:47

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a really romantic dinner. Later, I lost my virginity. The chicken was better than he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 570

You deserved it 9 760

11/09/2018 22:00

Today, while delivering pizza, a customer got mad at me and accused me of not having a GPS, then cussed me out and hung up. The address he gave me was a parking lot with 6 cars, none of which were his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 700

You deserved it 145

29/01/2015 18:32

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 132

You deserved it 2 842

21/12/2011 18:10

Today, I realized I need a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 067

You deserved it 3 294

14/10/2012 14:57

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 021

You deserved it 3 584

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:07

That's horrible! Poor dogs... I hope they somehow survived. But how did you miss not one, but TWO dogs? Were they little yippy dogs or something? Still, if she was your best friend, you should have known she had dogs, and been on the look out for them. I would say your friend and her dogs lives are way more fucked then yours..

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:07

How in the hell did you manage to do that?!

Comments

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:02

Wow that sucks :( Hopefully her wedding is nice!

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Friday 30 July 2010 5:08

The hardest part is telling her

skilova4lifezzz 19

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 18:53

I can understand one, but two? How?

SixthSinEnvy 39

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Monday 18 April 2016 2:14

How can her wedding be nice? Two of her dogs possibly died.

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:03

oh shit.. thats just fml

22cute 17

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Saturday 31 March 2012 5:09

So wait... You just hit one and kept going till you got the other? What?

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:03

awww...=(

kspy 0

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:04

poor doggies! that makes me want to cry!! :'(

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Sunday 29 April 2012 2:53

i know right! :'(

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:04

Omg....that sucks

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:04

How could you not notice TWO dogs? I suspect this is fake, there is now ay two dogs were unattended at a wedding. Either than, or you shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car.

Stahn 0

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:06

Oh wow. Thaaaat sucks. TWO dogs... Yikes.

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

MLuce 3

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Friday 6 April 2012 16:37

Hahahahaha, so true

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Saturday 4 February 2017 13:30

How the fuck is that funny

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:07

How in the hell did you manage to do that?!

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Sunday 31 May 2009 3:07

That's horrible! Poor dogs... I hope they somehow survived. But how did you miss not one, but TWO dogs? Were they little yippy dogs or something? Still, if she was your best friend, you should have known she had dogs, and been on the look out for them. I would say your friend and her dogs lives are way more fucked then yours..

KK3137 31

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Saturday 28 September 2013 23:04

I believe OP's problem was that she did not, in fact, miss the dogs.

kittykat1501 31

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Sunday 24 January 2016 2:25

miss as in not saw them. unless that was a joke.