Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way...

By Eric John Los - 29/1/2018 13:00 - United States - Haydenville

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

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Work

Family values

Instadrama

True hero

By anonymous - 14/8/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, my 14-year-old son was terrified of going into the water near our house, because he was scared of having his leg bitten off by a shark. We live by a lake. I tried explaining why it couldn't happen, but he just cowered behind a beach towel. FML

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By fucking SUCKS let's do it LIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEE! - 10/12/2015 13:45 - United States

Today, my girlfriend jumped into my arms for a kiss. She's done it before, but this time I wasn't expecting it. I fell backwards, straight through my glass coffee table. FML

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By Creeped_out_n_stuck - 5/8/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML

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By thehunterofprey - 22/6/2018 19:00

Today, I came out to my parents as gay and they reacted better than I expected. Then I found my car destroyed with a note that said "fag" on what used to be my hood. I never thought I'd have to sue my own family, but I'm lucky I have security footage. FML

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By slingshot - 7/9/2010 05:53 - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

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By peepeepants - 18/8/2009 12:35 - Canada

Today, I went to get a pedicure for the first time. My feet are VERY ticklish. I reflexively kicked the poor lady in the face, as I wet my pants. FML

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By AbFlab - 1/6/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

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By LoveDrug - 17/2/2010 10:49 - Ireland

Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML

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By Kiki - 8/3/2013 21:22 - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 20:26 - United States

Today, while waiting at the bus stop, the guy standing near me started peeing on the sidewalk and on my shoes. FML

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By bottombarrel - 28/10/2014 14:07 - United States - Greenville

Today, I was getting a pedicure to cheer myself up. I've been so lonely, I got overly excited when someone sat next to me, because I got to pretend I had a friend. FML

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By What a happy day - 14/1/2013 17:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

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By Ohgodmother - 28/2/2014 09:06 - Australia - Hobart

Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall, my mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked: 'TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK'. FML

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By backstabbed - 29/10/2011 07:22 - Australia

Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML

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By Username - 27/12/2011 08:39

Today, I was told by my mom that I'm a terrible person because I won't help my brother get a girlfriend. He's gay, but won't tell her because he thinks it's hilarious when she yells at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 20:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

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By EllieJ - 23/3/2011 15:22

Today, I opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head. The same brick my mum put up there to "keep it out of the way". FML

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By MickyIsEVIL - 9/4/2013 11:05 - Japan - Nagoya

Today, I was yelled at while I was shopping by some lady, because she saw my tattoo on my arm. She screamed that I'm the "spawn of Satan" and told me I'm going to hell. It's a fake tattoo of Mickey mouse. FML

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By dusty bean - 18/11/2017 05:00

Fartmageddon.

Today, I held in an explosive fart during a co-worker's rant and waited a few seconds after he left the room to release the Kraken. Forgetting something, he returned mid-fart. Before either of us could say anything, our boss came into the room. FML

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By CrazedGunMan - 2/9/2020 19:01 - Panama - Panama

Go anyway, see the sights

Today, I could finally get a plane ticket to go see the girl I have been talking to for the past 5 months. Just as I told her the exciting news, she told me that she was no longer interested in me. Guess that's 800 dollars down the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2012 03:24 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, an extremely hot police officer reprimanded me. It was pretty awkward considering she stopped me because of public urination. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 05:42 - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a girl I've been talking to on the internet for a year and a half. Turns out she edits her moustache out of all her photos. FML

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By Talented73 - 25/4/2017 20:00

Today, while brushing my teeth, I applied the toothpaste to my toothbrush when a few bristles got caught on the lip of the tube and flung a glob of toothpaste into my eye. My eye is now bloodshot, but at least it's minty fresh. FML

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By Miller_Time - 18/3/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

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By kitkat3308 - 30/3/2015 05:06 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, after recently quitting a terrible job which made me miserable, I went to my first work meeting at my new job. I was excited to start fresh and meet my new coworkers. Instead, I met my boyfriend's extremely jealous ex-girlfriend. She didn't look excited to see me. FML

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By celticschick - 31/8/2020 16:59

And they same romance is dead…

Today, I had an important staff meeting via Zoom. My boyfriend got home from work, walked through the door and shouted, "BABE! I'M READY TO GET MY D*** SUCKED!" I wasn't on mute. FML

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By CaoiiBieber - 17/7/2011 19:15 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2015 12:58 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

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By ShootMe - 7/9/2017 23:15

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Today, a high maintenance client informed me that he wants 50+ pages of new content added to his website "now". He doesn't understand that I also have 30+ other clients to write for. I'm wondering if I can charge him for my new anxiety meds. FML

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By Shelly - 14/12/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I accidentally called my cute boss "babe." I now have to pretend it's what I call everyone, and start calling all my coworkers "babe." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 04:12 - Canada - Kingston

Today, as I was walking home, I saw an ambulance pull into my driveway with its sirens blaring. Thinking it could be for my sick father, I started frantically sprinting. I managed to trip on my pant-leg, twisting my ankle in the process. They were just turning around in my driveway. FML

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By "fraz206" - 18/3/2019 16:00

Today, after feeling sick all day at work, my shift was about to end. 20 minutes till I was able to clock out some kid pukes all over herself in the playground. FML

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By Ally - 27/9/2015 01:47 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 08:08

Bizarre Love Triangle

Today, after going down on me and dry humping me in bed, my boyfriend told me he was having second thoughts about me while I was away for a few days. Apparently, he spent time with my best friend who set us up. She asked him to hypothetically propose to her. FML

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By wellthanks - 10/6/2013 17:04 - United States

Today, in class, we were discussing stereotypes. We were asked about common ones about nearby cities. A guy said, "Well, they say Lumberton has the prettiest girls." My teacher asked if any of us were from Lumberton, so I raised my hand. The guy quickly said, "Nevermind." FML

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By floppy - 9/8/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, my house caught fire and almost burned down. My neighbour, who has always hated me, came up, patted me on the back, and said, "That sucks for you." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 05:02

Getting no pussy love

Today, since getting the new kitten that only I wanted, it has scratched me and peed on my socks, my side of the bed and my laptop. It loves my husband though, who was against getting a cat at all. FML

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By Foxy - 5/2/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

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By unicornlove - 17/7/2020 20:01

No soup for you

Today, I was bringing a table a bowl of soup at my waitressing job. A new customer taking off his coat threw his elbow out, violently knocking the soup out of my hands and onto his baby in a highchair. The baby screamed; I had a panic attack. FML

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Top comments

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7592329 - Monday 29 January 2018 19:10

Sounds like your jacket had more balls than you do. And also needs to be written up for sexual harassment.

By Slim87R | 6

#7592350 - Monday 29 January 2018 20:01

Hey, at least your jacket broke the ice for you. A+ Wingman.

COMMENTS

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7592327 - Monday 29 January 2018 19:06

Who cares, you can breath now!

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7592329 - Monday 29 January 2018 19:10

Sounds like your jacket had more balls than you do. And also needs to be written up for sexual harassment.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7592346 - Monday 29 January 2018 19:55

That button's a great wingman!

By Slim87R | 6

#7592350 - Monday 29 January 2018 20:01

Hey, at least your jacket broke the ice for you. A+ Wingman.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7592369 - Monday 29 January 2018 20:33

#TimesUp #MeToo Do the honorable thing and resign like Al Franken. At your next job, you should always wear loose-fitting clothes in the office — they do a better job concealing your boners.