Work: Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way...

By Eric John Los - United States - Haydenville

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

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Work

Night terrors

They're not real

Show me where it hurts

By whattheheck - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I found out that my new girlfriend breastfeeds her dolls. FML

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By Irony - United States

Today, my dad took a call while driving. He always yells and curses at people who talk on their cell while driving. I asked him to get off the phone because it's dangerous, and told him he's being a hypocrite. He shook his head at me and continued talking. Seconds later, we got into an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

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By grem - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was walking with the dog. I was throwing a stick in the lake so he could get it (he loves swimming). A friend called me. After I was done calling another friend came by, and we went talking for a while. When my dog barked, I accidentally threw my iPhone in the water instead of his stick. FML

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By bathroomgirl - United States

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

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By IHateProtesters - United States - Hartford

Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML

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By Slayeddd - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 20:01

Toxic parents

Today, my mom caught me vaping weed oil and tried to ground me. I’m 33 years old, with my own wife and kids, weed is legal in this state with a medical card, and I use it to treat the seizures I’ve had since mom belted me around the head as a kid, giving me brain damage. FML

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By Username

Today, I admitted to my boyfriend of three years that I have been suffering from depression for a while now. He took it as a good time to dump me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while visiting my son at university, I noticed a funky smell in his room. He admitted to not changing his bedsheets since he moved in 2.5 years ago. I’ve raised an animal. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a make-shift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML

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By cootiequeen - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

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By Jessi - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I finally got to see my boyfriend, after two months apart. As we hugged, he lifted me up and spun me around like in the movies. It would have been really romantic if I hadn't hit a little boy while he was riding past on his bike. I've just traumatized a little kid. FML

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By jkbeynon - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I told my mom that I heard something, and I think we have rats in the attic and should hire an exterminator. She looked at me and said, "Rats, huh? That's what the mom in The Exorcist thought, but it turned out to be the devil living up there." FML

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By armenta427 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

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By LockedOut - United States

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

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By Bad sibling

Today, as planned, my dad confirmed that he would be flying up to visit me for the weekend. Not planned, however, was that my whiny and high-maintenance sister invited herself along too. There's no way I can dis-invite her without offending my dad. FML

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2017

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By Boyufd - 2/1/2021 08:00

Forever alone man

Today, I feel so lonely I talked to the likely scam number that called me. Even then they hung up after 2 minutes of talking to me. FML

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By wtf - United Kingdom

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

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By matchristityler - United States

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

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By Shantwozzlah - United States - Kissimmee

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me by maniacally zooming in and out of traffic while we were on his motorcycle. His mood turned to anger when I nervously admitted to having voided my bowels. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 01:58

Wait for me!

Today, the parking shuttle for work pulled away right as I was walking up to it. I was late to work. For the second day in a row. FML

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379

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By cheated

Today, I found out my "wonderful" boyfriend was recently dumped by another woman, not just after he started stalking her, but after he wrote her a love letter in his own blood. FML

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By Dannikins - 5/11/2020 01:01 - United States - San Antonio

Don't hate the playa…

Today, the guy I've been looking forward going on a date with had to cancel due to Covid. This wouldn't have been an issue, if I didn't see him later that night posting about him at a bar with another girl. FML

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By quackers - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

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By whatevershit - United States - Theodore

Today, it was my wedding day. The best part was when we were taking photos and I threw up on my dress. At least the pictures were outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 08:01

Gig economy

Today, I remembered that I chose my career of the last decade because, unlike my job in the dying newspaper industry, "concerts aren’t going anywhere." FML

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By eemp - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

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By Nora - United States - Fargo

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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29475

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By WellThere'sThat

Today, I got a big math test back. Good news: I can connect abstract ideas beyond what was taught. Bad news: I can’t do simple math, such as 30/-5. I failed. FML

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By Username

Today, at work, my phone rang. My intern answered it and told me it was a coworker who'd just left. I picked up and said "What's up bitch? What are you going to complain about now?!" It was actually my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

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By yourmom - United States

Today, I was using a public bathroom when a woman backs in, pulls down her pants, and sits on my lap. Needless to say she didn't even notice I was there until I hyperventilated. FML

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By not getting laid - United States - San Antonio

Today, I was hitting on a girl, and I was sure I could get her to sleep with me. When she finally gave in and was putting her number into my phone, she called my mom and asked her if she raised me to "sexually harass women." FML

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By alsayslegit - United States

Today, I was at a party, and I sat down on a chair. While conversing with friends, I shifted places on the chair, and broke it. Embarrassed, I then stood up and change chairs. After moving to the next chair, I broke that one too. FML

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Top comments

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7592329 - Monday 29 January 2018 19:10

Sounds like your jacket had more balls than you do. And also needs to be written up for sexual harassment.

By Slim87R | 6

#7592350 - Monday 29 January 2018 20:01

Hey, at least your jacket broke the ice for you. A+ Wingman.

COMMENTS

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7592327 - Monday 29 January 2018 19:06

Who cares, you can breath now!

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7592329 - Monday 29 January 2018 19:10

Sounds like your jacket had more balls than you do. And also needs to be written up for sexual harassment.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7592346 - Monday 29 January 2018 19:55

That button's a great wingman!

By Slim87R | 6

#7592350 - Monday 29 January 2018 20:01

Hey, at least your jacket broke the ice for you. A+ Wingman.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7592369 - Monday 29 January 2018 20:33

#TimesUp #MeToo Do the honorable thing and resign like Al Franken. At your next job, you should always wear loose-fitting clothes in the office — they do a better job concealing your boners.