Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying...

By drooooooool - 9/11/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

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Work

Instadrama

Long story short

Higher standards

By Zapped - 17/5/2010 11:09 - United States

Today, I learned that, since getting my tongue ring, it has become imprudent to test 9-volt batteries with my tongue. FML

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By dreamteam - 8/2/2010 11:24 - United States

Today, I was having a very realistic dream about a hot guy. Just as he was leaning in to ravish me, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my husband farting and snorting at the same time. FML

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By Tiffosaur - 4/1/2013 06:12 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. As soon as my date saw me walking towards him, he checked his watch and said, "Oops, wrong place." Then walked right past me. FML

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By - 18/1/2017 10:00

Today, I shaved my lady bits for the first time to surprise my husband, whom I haven't seen in months due to deployment. I ended up with razor burn and my dim-witted husband believes I cheated on him and that it's an STD. Nothing will tell him otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2017 04:00

Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML

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By postop - 26/6/2015 03:06 - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

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By jordanss - 11/11/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, my apartment building shut off our water for a short period of time because the pipes were being worked on. It was also the morning my dog had diarrhea on my cream carpet. Not only did I have to clean it up without water, I couldn't wash my hands afterward. FML

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By notaman - 11/2/2016 18:12 - United States - Marion

Today, I found out my insurance company denied my claim because they had me marked down as "male" and yet also pregnant. I now have to prove to them that I'm actually a woman. FML

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By BrownDump - 14/5/2011 10:43 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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By Butter_Cup - 28/12/2010 21:39 - United States

Today, my mom sold the car I've been working on for the last few years for 100 dollars. To buy gas for her car. FML

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By Really - 10/6/2015 01:59 - United States - Middletown

Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML

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By "Growlithe1395" - 11/3/2017 16:00

Today, I finally got my hands on a Nintendo Switch. While unboxing it, I left the room to get a pair of scissors. When I came back, most of the box contents were missing and my little brother was standing there. It has been about 5 hours and I still haven't been able to find anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 14:00

Dumb question

Today, “Who decided that?” was apparently not the correct thing to reply to a cop. FML

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By cuntocracy - 21/1/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

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By Cult - 30/3/2014 14:27 - United States - Glenside

Today, I found out that my favorite band logo is no longer being used by said band because of copyright issues. I have this logo tattooed on my body. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2017 06:00

FML Uncensored

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

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By zaynemaliksvagina - 24/6/2015 17:10 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I was having a rough day, so I decided to go to the movies to unwind. 15 minutes in, some assmunch behind me said "This movie sucks!" then dumped his drink over my head and ran out. FML

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By muskogee - 20/9/2019 16:00

Prince Charming

Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML

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By Nofatforme - 6/9/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML

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By o.v. - 16/5/2011 16:04 - Bangladesh

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

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By lovefool - 12/1/2011 10:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me by text. It's also the day that the birthday present I ordered for him was finally processed and shipped, meaning I can't cancel and get my money back. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 23:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

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By sadsadlady - 14/12/2009 20:25 - Canada

Today, I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. His response? "If you can't take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2014 19:23 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

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By THANKS - 19/6/2015 08:37 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, it's my birthday. I had asked my parents for a keyboard, and I was really excited to open the massive box they gave me. It was a computer keyboard. I've been playing piano for 11 years. FML

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By beforegirl - 8/11/2010 21:11 - Australia

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

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By E - 2/3/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 12:07 - Israel - Ramat Hasharon

Today, my boyfriend cuffed my legs to the bed. After the sex we discovered one of the cuffs wouldn't open. After an hour of trying to pry them open, I had to waddle with him to the fire station to have them removed in front of 4 amused firefighters. FML

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By TCRII - 13/6/2018 15:52

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

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By wearyconsumer - 23/12/2016 05:29

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

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By PizzaNIF - 13/7/2016 17:58 - United States - Henderson

Today, I was woken up by the sound of my dad blasting porn on his computer. FML

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By crapgirl - 18/4/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 22:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML

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By Abused - 13/10/2010 08:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2015 00:37 - United States - Plano

Today, I went to the store with my 4-year-old daughter. When I went to change into tight jeans which weren't completely on, my daughter opened the curtain and yelled: "It's the mommy show!" Everyone there heard her and saw me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 01:00 - United States

Laying eggs!

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 03:32 - United States

Today, it snowed. So, a guy I like and I decided to go sledding. I really wanted to impress him by going down the hill and casually slowing down at the bottom right at his feet. Instead, I crashed into him and broke his ankle. FML

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By twofade - 24/10/2018 23:00 - United States

Today, after a year and a half of growing out my hair, I decided to get it trimmed at a Superclips. I walked in with a full head of hair and I left bald. At least it was free. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2017 01:44

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 20:08

Cash dispenser

Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She's 32 and refuses to believe she's the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1673876 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 23:24

And your essay ran longer than "War & Peace," but the last 1200 pages are the letter 'f' where your nose came to rest.

By catatonicsleep | 17

#1673767 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 22:37

did your essay end with `/s'ornnnnfjlbdndk`;lkrsgVDlm/smzxn, czcbxvnbn on and one for pages?

COMMENTS

By rottentomatoes | 7

#1673680 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 22:08

Ahhw, that's just gross

qwerty8788 | 4

#1674404 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 2:01

keyboard face

omgwork | 0

#1675641 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:02

ahhw? WTF is that?

yucayucatan | 0

#1675687 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:25

That is disgusting and it sucks for you. next time don't put your face on a keyboard if you are sleepy. I doubt that you fell a sleep while sitting straight and fell on the keyboard without waking up