Today, thanks to the hormone treatments for my cancer, I have gained so much weight I am now officially the punchline for “How does a fat man find his penis? With a mirror on a stick and an erection.” FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, despite the fact that I’ve been battling cancer for the past year and was hospitalized for Covid, all my family can talk about is how much weight I’ve gained. Yeah, not like being out of work, quarantined and on a ton of meds has anything to do with it. Thanks guys. FML
Today, after being diagnosed with breast cancer, enduring months of tortuous chemo, having painful radiation treatments and having had my tubes tied, I realized I’ve become the butt of an incredibly cruel cosmic joke. I got pregnant from the one-night stand I had to celebrate beating cancer. FML
Today, even though I diet and go to the gym, due to my hypothyroidism I'm now so overweight that when I went to hospital for an unrelated check up, the gorgeous nurse actually had to press and move around my fat-filled groin to make my penis pop out of its hiding place under the skin. I hate myself. FML
Today, I finally lost some weight. Unfortunately, that's only because I had a testicle removed due to cancer. FML
Today, I've now lost two hundred pounds and learned that I actually do have a pretty decently-sized dick, it's just been buried under fat for most of my life. Too bad I'm 42 and nobody wants a damn thing to do with a 42 year-old virgin, unless you want to quote a stale Steve Carell movie and laugh at me. FML
Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML
Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML
Today, I discovered that the upside of losing weight is that men have started hitting on me. The downside? They're all twice my age. FML
Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML
Today, I realised that my husband and I have gotten so fat that his already small dick no longer even reaches me. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 30
Neither is he? Hahahahahaha!
DrewBaby 8
I’m not touching this
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Comments (2)
DrewBaby 8
I’m not touching this
RichardPencil 30
Neither is he? Hahahahahaha!
IHaveThePower 16
So? Go rest up and get better from cancer. I'm over 300 lbs and it doesn't stop me doing jack shit (asthma, of course, can go **** itself, but that's another problem...). Hell, I've hiked up the Trinity Alps with no training (don't do that, it's ******* stupid) and didn't even pass out! Seriously, though. Being fat just means you move differently. Plenty of people will still want to bang you, and you can do whatever you want. Don't worry about it. (Also if you ever do altitude hiking train first.)