Intimacy: Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in... - FML

By Gassy - United States

Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face. FML

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Misheard

Race against the clock

On yer bike

By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

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By Hellau - France

Today, I was baby-sitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two hour struggle, I finally manage to get them into bed. I then ask them what they want before going to sleep, and the eldest replies: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

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By blah blah

Today, I tried convincing my husband to spend his day off work with me because we both work a lot, and have almost no time to spend together. His literal response was, “I’d rather pick a shift up at work.” FML

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By dream_girl_3 - United States

Today, I let my boyfriend drive my car, knowing that he doesn't have a license. While he was out, he ran a stop sign, collided with another vehicle, and then left the scene of the accident. Then he lied to me about how the accident happened so I "wouldn't be so upset." FML

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By anon - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I thought everything went well, until I got a text from him later saying, "Come on mom, she isn't THAT bad." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

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By TheLastGreatDope - United States - Winchester

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

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By XxFA1LxX - Canada - Calgary

Today, my neighbors bought a signal scrambler to stop their kids from going on the internet at night. Too bad it blocks my internet too. FML

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By MikeMoosey - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

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By IStillHaveMy8hrShiftToGo - United States - Beaverton

Today, I came in to work early at a restaurant to help out. I stocked, baked pies for the next day, cleaned and set over 50 tables, and vacuumed the entire two stories. When I went to send an order for the first customer of mine, I realized I hadn't even clocked on. Four ½ hours of work wasted. FML

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By Peggy Peggerson - 9/10/2020 02:03 - United States

It's the new craze!

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

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By cats before idiots

Today, I brought my boyfriend to my house for the first time. He freaked out when he saw my cat, and had to leave because he's allergic. I've posted many pictures of my cat in Instagram, but he didn't say anything about his allergy because he thought it was just a random cat. FML

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By nottililgirl - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wallasey

Today, my sister tried to convince me to go to a plastic surgeon, because "Bitchface Syndrome's no joke." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, formal portraits of my entire class were posted online, with about five photos per person. As my mom was looking at them, she was commenting about how pretty all my classmates look. When she got to my photos, all she had to say was "ugh". FML

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By my cheese grater + your dick - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my grandma said, "I know you don't have any plans tonight. Do you want to go to bingo with me?" I said sure out of pity, and ended up being her designated driver after she got wasted later in the evening. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

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By OrlandoZ6 - United States

Today, I was laying down on my couch. My friend IM's me on my laptop to watch a video. It turned out that the video was one of those scary pop up's. I got so scared I dropped my laptop. The screen had a big crack. FML

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By 911 - France

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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By maebyf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

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By Unwanted - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

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By DreeStahr - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

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By Scabs - United States

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

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By DamnDogs - United States

Today, at work, my boss said something that I didn't catch. I went to take a leash off a dog, (I'm a groomer's assistant) and looked at my boss and said "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML

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By elizabeth - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I came home to my mother-in-law wearing the gold chain which I usually keep in a hidden drawer. I searched my drawer only to find out my chain was missing. I asked my mother-in-law if she took it and she keeps denying the fact that she stole it from me. My husband is on her side. FML

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By sexyfreak2510 - South Africa

Today, at my bachelorette party, I got so wasted, I ended up giving my stripper a lap dance because he "wasn't doing it properly". There's photos. FML

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By CaptMacLeod - United States - Lancaster

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

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By LesboLover

Today, I found out that my crush is a lesbian. Everyone knew about it. Everyone also knew that I liked her. No one told me. FML

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By Cherie - United States

Today, I received a private message on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, subject: "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

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By Username - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent five hours sobbing in my room due to anti-depressant withdrawal. My mother refused to come and talk to me, because I'm "a terrible, hateful child who only cares about herself." Last week I spent two hours comforting her because my brother hadn't called in a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw an elderly woman in need of help of crossing a street. I helped her across. On the way she just about fell and held onto me to keep from hitting the ground. After she left on her bus I reached for my wallet. It was gone. I had just been robbed by a 70 year old. FML

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By stuff - United States

Today, I was calling my cable company to tell me how to fix my internet. I stayed on hold for almost half an hour, and then when someone finally picked up, my phone died. FML

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By peeepeee. - United States

Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left for taking a piss. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, my son got a beating. Apparently, he went to a club, waited until he saw a couple of girls pulling a duckface for a photo, then rushed over and threw pieces of bread at them. Their boyfriends, not too surprisingly, didn't appreciate this. I had to drive the idiot home from the hospital. FML

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By Anon. - United States - Allentown

Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML

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Top comments

By Bran_Dizzle_ | 0

#720609 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:03

Wait...

Quief or fart??

By lukascepanovic | 0

#720579 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:56

HAHAHAHAHAH LMFAO!!! that is such a kinky story

COMMENTS

By lookatstupid | 0

#720567 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:54

Well that's just rude! 1st

Reply

Lmao_xD | 0

#721811 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 2:04

Lmao!! Thats nastayyy

Reply

dangLIFEsucks | 0

#808472 - Saturday 30 January 2010 0:43

ugh i hate when people say 1st. put yes, i aggree, that is just rude.

Reply

killerviral | 0

#836178 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 1:35

lol that wouldve been funny if u crapped diarria lol

Reply

XCaLX_fml | 0

#923812 - Monday 8 March 2010 3:50

thats not possible his head inst neer your butt

Reply

devinashley | 0

#970313 - Monday 29 March 2010 4:41

hahaha this made me laugh out loud. I'm sorry OP. that's so embarrasing.

it's not rude btw, some flatulence you can't control lol. ;)

Reply

JordynAlexis | 0

#972390 - Thursday 1 April 2010 4:13

81; Somebody doesn't know what 69 is.

Reply

Kilomech | 8

#990120 - Monday 10 May 2010 2:41

XD It is if she's on top.

Reply

fearlesstiger98 | 0

#1030825 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 13:07

stfu with that 1st shit.

Reply

I_EAT_THE_POOPOO | 0

#1070011 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 5:44

ahhahahaha dude just got pink eye

Reply

FMLJFL | 5

#4775001 - Sunday 5 August 2012 8:23

This has to be the first 1st comment that isn't downvoted.

Reply

reddawn1985 | 12

#4837325 - Monday 20 August 2012 6:39

That's just plain repulsive. Could he look you in the eye after that?

By soccer4ever7 | 0

#720570 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:54

lol wow

Reply

Alhan_fml | 0

#972465 - Thursday 1 April 2010 5:52

Hehe QUEEF!

By FATnips | 0

#720574 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:55

Should have just done 11 FIRST.

Reply

laurenlovesjb | 20

#5550509 - Monday 24 June 2013 22:54

I think it's funny this has 11 down votes!

By lukascepanovic | 0

#720579 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:56

HAHAHAHAHAH LMFAO!!! that is such a kinky story

By the_sodomizer | 0

#720587 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:57

teehee

By Bran_Dizzle_ | 0

#720609 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:03

Wait...

Quief or fart??

Reply

hwaning21 | 0

#4051839 - Saturday 18 February 2012 15:26

Ewww either way

By brerae1 | 0

#720613 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:04

Ew haha. Thats uber gross!! LOL!

By somepartsareme | 0

#720678 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:36

@8

I know you're a troll but... What? What?! WHAT?!

Reply

emqueen | 1

#4631329 - Saturday 30 June 2012 0:06

What did he say??

By gilly011 | 0

#720785 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 5:47

wow. thats fucking disgusting. self-control much?

By Ninjaface | 0

#720807 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 6:15

You're welcome.

Reply

Mx718 | 0

#747700 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:45

I agree.