Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in... - FML

By Gassy - United States

Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face. FML

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Understandable

Honesty is the best policy

Near the knuckle

By marcy_89

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

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By laptitesouris - France - Pertuis

Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

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By Becca Velveeta

Easy mistake to make

Today, my mother's boyfriend sent me pictures of my mom sucking him off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I thought my mom and I could put aside our differences and open our Christmas presents. When she opened mine, she turned to my dad and said she didn't want the present, so I could give it to someone else. 'Tis the season. FML

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By embareassed - United States

Today, I was riding my dorm elevator from the 5th floor to the 1st by myself. Since the elevator is really slow, I pulled my pants and underwear down just for kicks. Just then, the door opened to let a girl on at the 4th floor. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

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By Anonymous

She missed everything

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep 3 min into the 25 min TV show sex that we waited all week to watch together. FML.

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By MaximB - 15/7/2020 14:02

Coming up short

Today, some babe finally super-liked me on Tinder, but didn't want to continue the chat after finding out I'm shorter than her. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2020 08:03

Old Man Blues

Today, I seriously strained my back picking up my daughter. I’m only 22 and now I have a bad back a man in his 70s would be proud of. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating some popcorn with a guy, and I noticed a piece of hair coming out my mouth. I pulled it... and pulled it... and eventually some popcorn pieces came out attached to the end of the hair. I was so embarrassed, he tried to make me feel better by saying it looked like a magic trick. FML

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By vividrabbit - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really hit it off with. Then he admitted that he was a recovering heroin addict and had to cut our date short to go to the methadone clinic. When I got home, I realized that my wallet was missing $40. I think he lied about the "recovering" part. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving 'chem trails', and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML

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By Cpm - Canada

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

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By AndieApocalypse - United States

Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

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By lizann - United States - Scottsdale

Today, for the second time this week, I had to ask my 27-year-old husband to stop peeing on the toilet seat. FML

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By 3hoursleftofwork - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

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By indi1011 - Australia

Today, I was giving a presentation to a group of high school kids about how being 'cool' wasn't as important as they might think. When I was done I asked for questions. A kid says, "Miss, I get that you're not into being cool, but you're wearing your pants inside out.' He was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

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By you fuckhobbit - United Kingdom

Today, I was on my favourite forum when I saw a guy ranting at some pro-lifer fanatic. For fun, I replied "umad bro?" apparently moments after the forum founder also left an angry reply. I'm now banned for a month for "trolling the founder" and all my posts have vanished without a trace. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clemmons

Today, I had to explain to my pregnant friend that her plan to get drunk and get a tattoo needed to wait at least 8 months. She then went out for a smoke to calm down. FML

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By sexisdead

Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML

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By zaneey - Australia

Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning. FML

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By skc - United Kingdom

Today, I gave myself a facial with one of those masks you leave on for a while. I busied myself by tidying my room while it dried and eventually forgot all about it. I finally remembered about it after I answered the door to the postman. Not embarassing enough? I'm a guy. FML

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML

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By CarrieBerrie - 14/8/2020 17:01

Fire in the hole!

Today, after being woken up with the intense urge to go to the bathroom, and having gone to the bathroom three times in the last hour, I finally realized I took two laxatives instead of two Midol. My ass is on fire. FML

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By asparagus piss - United States - Tifton

Today, after having loaned my girlfriend money after she claimed to be broke and unable to pay her rent and electricity bills, she went out, spent it all on a new purse and phone, and now refuses to pay me back. FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

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By Sovekipisse - France - Arthon-en-retz

Today, I went to a bar for some drinks. A guy looked me up and down, gave me a suggestive smile, then asked for my name and number. I'd have been a little less creeped out if he hadn't been standing beside me at the urinal the whole time. FML

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By 20month dry spell

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By Pudgymom

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after an extremely hard day at work, I took a hot shower to wind down a little bit. I accidentally splashed a painful amount of hot water and shampoo in my eyes. My left contact is now stuck to my eyeball. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

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By still poor - United States - Carlisle

Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML

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Top comments

By Bran_Dizzle_ | 0

#720609 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:03

Wait...

Quief or fart??

By lukascepanovic | 0

#720579 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:56

HAHAHAHAHAH LMFAO!!! that is such a kinky story

COMMENTS

By lookatstupid | 0

#720567 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:54

Well that's just rude! 1st

Reply

Lmao_xD | 0

#721811 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 2:04

Lmao!! Thats nastayyy

Reply

dangLIFEsucks | 0

#808472 - Saturday 30 January 2010 0:43

ugh i hate when people say 1st. put yes, i aggree, that is just rude.

Reply

killerviral | 0

#836178 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 1:35

lol that wouldve been funny if u crapped diarria lol

Reply

XCaLX_fml | 0

#923812 - Monday 8 March 2010 3:50

thats not possible his head inst neer your butt

Reply

devinashley | 0

#970313 - Monday 29 March 2010 4:41

hahaha this made me laugh out loud. I'm sorry OP. that's so embarrasing.

it's not rude btw, some flatulence you can't control lol. ;)

Reply

JordynAlexis | 0

#972390 - Thursday 1 April 2010 4:13

81; Somebody doesn't know what 69 is.

Reply

Kilomech | 8

#990120 - Monday 10 May 2010 2:41

XD It is if she's on top.

Reply

fearlesstiger98 | 0

#1030825 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 13:07

stfu with that 1st shit.

Reply

I_EAT_THE_POOPOO | 0

#1070011 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 5:44

ahhahahaha dude just got pink eye

Reply

FMLJFL | 5

#4775001 - Sunday 5 August 2012 8:23

This has to be the first 1st comment that isn't downvoted.

Reply

reddawn1985 | 12

#4837325 - Monday 20 August 2012 6:39

That's just plain repulsive. Could he look you in the eye after that?

By soccer4ever7 | 0

#720570 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:54

lol wow

Reply

Alhan_fml | 0

#972465 - Thursday 1 April 2010 5:52

Hehe QUEEF!

By FATnips | 0

#720574 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:55

Should have just done 11 FIRST.

Reply

laurenlovesjb | 20

#5550509 - Monday 24 June 2013 22:54

I think it's funny this has 11 down votes!

By lukascepanovic | 0

#720579 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:56

HAHAHAHAHAH LMFAO!!! that is such a kinky story

By the_sodomizer | 0

#720587 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 3:57

teehee

By Bran_Dizzle_ | 0

#720609 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:03

Wait...

Quief or fart??

Reply

hwaning21 | 0

#4051839 - Saturday 18 February 2012 15:26

Ewww either way

By brerae1 | 0

#720613 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:04

Ew haha. Thats uber gross!! LOL!

By somepartsareme | 0

#720678 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:36

@8

I know you're a troll but... What? What?! WHAT?!

Reply

emqueen | 1

#4631329 - Saturday 30 June 2012 0:06

What did he say??

By gilly011 | 0

#720785 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 5:47

wow. thats fucking disgusting. self-control much?

By Ninjaface | 0

#720807 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 6:15

You're welcome.

Reply

Mx718 | 0

#747700 - Thursday 31 December 2010 22:45

I agree.