Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2013 21:44 - United States - Austin

Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker yell something, but I couldn't hear him, so I just pulled the stump out anyway. What I realized too late was that he was telling me that there was a swarm of bees living behind the stump. FML

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Rock, hard place

Time for the ER

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Ahlph - 20/5/2011 04:43

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

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By sosadstudent - 20/4/2011 20:52 - Netherlands

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 12:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

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By ScottyB - 22/12/2014 08:05 - United States - Peabody

Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML

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By so unsexy - 4/8/2016 21:32 - United States - Seattle

Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

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By justmyluck25 - 23/7/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By SHRINKY - 23/12/2016 14:31

Today, we were looking forward to spending x-mas eve with our best friends of 13 years before moving across the country where we know no one. That was the plan. The stomach flu virus has a different plan. FML

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By imfullthanks - 14/3/2009 23:06 - Norway

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "how did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?". She yelled from the other room, "you know that little plate with the red stripe". I was eating off of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2018 22:00

Today, I found out that being the "bull" of a cuckold relationship is not as good as it looks to be. She is pregnant and now the couple, despite earning triple figures, is suing me for child support. I'm in college. FML

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By firemansam - 12/12/2011 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was out selling Christmas-themed calendars for charity door-to-door. I rang a doorbell and a wild-eyed man appeared at the door, shouted about being "on nights" and that I'd woken him up, called me a "bell end", threw a newspaper at me and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By maggie74 - 27/6/2012 04:58 - United States - Enfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a nude picture, he sent it back to me with a mustache on my face from that iPhone app and told me he likes it much better that way. FML

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By haveahappyperiod - 4/10/2013 09:39

Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 20:15 - Canada

Today, my sixteen year old son told me that he's following his guidance counselor's advice: to do what his hero does for a living. The problem? His hero is SpongeBob Squarepants. His ambition in life is to become a fry cook. FML

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By Miguel - 20/8/2011 19:40 - United States

Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML

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By Kaeyne - 24/3/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML

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By ? - 20/2/2013 18:20 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my girlfriend of nine months made a huge scene in public, calling me a "cheating bastard" because she saw me with another woman at the library. That "other woman" is my Calculus tutor. FML

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By wrongman - 14/2/2018 19:00

Today, at the public pool, my boyfriend dived from one side to the other. I jumped in to reward him underwater, kissing him everywhere and grabbing his crotch, until I noticed his shorts were different. I surfaced to see that my boyfriend was still far away. FML

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By quinndulgent - 29/11/2015 21:10 - United States - West Bend

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

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By agstadra - 8/12/2010 15:24 - Canada

Today, I was sitting in a parked car. A woman was having difficulties maneuvering out. She honked the horn repeatedly for me to move, then looked me in the eye and called me a "f**king bitch", before driving off. I was in the passenger seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2017 01:44

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 09:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML

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By Sittinginthecorner - 20/1/2016 05:42 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I got a new roommate. He's from Mongolia. He has had 5 friends over for the last 7 hours, all speaking Mongolian. This is the most awkward party I have ever been to. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

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By child abused - 19/10/2017 00:00 - United States - New York

Not helping.

Today, my neighbor's pesky 7-year-old daughter, who is friends with the guy I really like, decided to help me with him. She used her phone to send him a picture of me. I was in the shower, completely naked and surprised. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 09:05 - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 22:02

Today, at college, the weird guy who stares at me every day came over, said, "I've made you a mixtape," then handed me an old, empty Queen's Greatest Hits CD case and scuttled off. FML

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By MemoKrosav - 30/1/2016 03:54 - Mexico - Matamoros

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2013 05:19 - United States

Today, I tried to go to my Hotmail account on my boyfriend's computer. When I typed in "hot", a big history list came down. It was all "Hot single mom looking for a good lay" Craigslist ads. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 06:00

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

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By thatsmejl - 15/9/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

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By anonymous - 5/9/2012 04:44 - Australia

Today, an unknown number left me a lengthy voicemail of what sounds like two people having sex. This is the closest I've gotten to real-life sex in 2 years. I listened to it three times. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 05:15 - New Zealand

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

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By Hornymuch - 2/11/2012 11:35 - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By porkythighs - 27/12/2010 14:19 - Singapore

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

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By fuck right off - 4/4/2015 17:32 - United Kingdom - Coalville

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

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By Lootz - 3/5/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

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By fail - 18/8/2013 04:41 - United States

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

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By day001313 - 7/4/2012 04:32 - United States - Albany

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2014 19:02 - Canada - Markham

Today, I went to the store to buy a phone I saw last week. I looked around a little first, then continued to the electronics section. I couldn't find the phone I saw, so I went to leave. Halfway to the exit, I was detained by security and grilled for ages over my "suspicious behaviour". FML

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Top comments

By lolnothanks | 18

#5590471 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:09

Damn. What a pain in the bee-hind

By oneforceone | 8

#5590477 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

You should bee more careful next time.

COMMENTS

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590468 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:07

sweet! by the way, I'm a sad, sad little man, I have no self-respect, little kids scare me so much I piss my pants when I'm around them, and I'm just pissing my life away in my mom's basement. ugh, I guess I just need a little pep-talk from the FML community, ya'know, but yeah

Reply

flockz | 19

#5590506 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:32

it's ok bro! you're not pissing your life away! pull it together! take those little brats to your basement and show them who's boss!

wait....

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5590535 - Sunday 21 July 2013 11:04

1- you forgot the explosive diarrhea and how small your penis is

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5590543 - Sunday 21 July 2013 11:25

#23 -- That's not a level, that's a specimen.

Reply

wildnargles | 15

#5590619 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:48

What you need is a therapist.

Reply

websphere69 | 27

#5590717 - Sunday 21 July 2013 15:53

ROTFLMAO

Reply

websphere69 | 27

#5590719 - Sunday 21 July 2013 15:57

Maybe you should work with our OP here..,

Reply

br00kr | 22

#5590861 - Sunday 21 July 2013 18:31

Ouch. Sorry for you op!

Reply

magaliwoodrock | 19

#5590894 - Sunday 21 July 2013 19:03

What did that comment say?? It got moderated :(

Reply

alexsandria83 | 18

#5591169 - Sunday 21 July 2013 21:53

Loser

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590470 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:08

I apologize but it was weighing on my mind so I had to throw that out there

Reply

NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5590484 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:15

Wow, just wow. You just ruined it.

Reply

GuessWhatKids | 13

#5592705 - Monday 22 July 2013 20:48

Not sure if master troll or huge failure

By lolnothanks | 18

#5590471 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:09

Damn. What a pain in the bee-hind

Reply

misunderstood94 | 15

#5590670 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:06

That's usually why people stop what they're doing to listen... FML & YDI

Reply

stitesy29 | 18

#5590933 - Sunday 21 July 2013 19:22

I SEE WHAT YOU DID TARR!!

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590473 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:10

man what a stinger sorry you got bee-tacked

Reply

Zambowi | 15

#5590476 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

3 comments later and this is what you come up with smh

Reply

dhaworth93 | 8

#5590482 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:14

yes this is what I came up with I don't see any witty comments or funny bee jokes from you so please tell us who pissed on your hornets nest

Reply

Zambowi | 15

#5590486 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:15

LOL WAT You're literally just flooding this fml with comments about you being first

Reply

whiteboy896 | 9

#5590547 - Sunday 21 July 2013 11:34

-5 It happens to the best of us.

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5590680 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:25

23- Maybe if he didn't troll comment the 1,2, & 4 spots that doesn't just happen...

By oneforceone | 8

#5590477 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

You should bee more careful next time.

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590478 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

awe don't hate the first comment chill out let a man have some fun lol why you gotta thumb me down? you know what go right away cause you are just jealous you didn't get first Lol I got my first comment so shit I'm happy lol

By sharksfan48 | 13

#5590481 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:14

Always have to check before you wreck

By fsomelife | 26

#5590485 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:15

The classic question comes up -- two bee, or a whole assload of bee?

Reply

gotaplanstan | 28

#5591273 - Monday 22 July 2013 0:06

two beez! SNIPED!
what's next what's next

By YUMMYFRENCHFRIES | 16

#5590490 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:18

That stings…… ok, I know that was a bad pun.

By revolution4ever | 14

#5590491 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:19

Bee-tween you and me, I don't think OP listens very well.