Work: Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker yell something, but I couldn't hear him, so I just pulled the stump out anyway. What I realized too late was that he was telling me that there was a swarm of bees living behind the stump. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

Hang in there

By carsuck - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

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By Duckie W - United States

Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML

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By FML - United States - Maricopa

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML

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By Why

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a guy's dorm for the first time. He told me to wait outside for a minute because he had to "clean something up" first. When I told him I'm 420 friendly, he said, "Nah I just came on my desk earlier and didn't feel like wiping it up." FML

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By D.J. - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By windshitwipers - United States - Denver

Today, I found shit on my windshield. I'm not sure if it is human or animal, but it was conveniently smeared all over and even more was placed under my wipers just in case I used them to clean it up. This isn't the first time, and I have no idea who I could have pissed off. FML

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By anna14 - United States

Today, I learned a little lesson about consequences. Yesterday, I ate a quarter as a dare. Today, I tried to poop it out. It got stuck coming out. I had to go to the doctor and explain everything. FML

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By Damn You Fortnite

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working in a jail, I had to tell an inmate arrested for domestic violence that no, he could not use his phone call to call me at home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

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By Anonymous

She missed everything

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep 3 min into the 25 min TV show sex that we waited all week to watch together. FML.

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I caught my 7 year old sister poking a dead bird with a stick, causing maggots to start coming out of the bird's sad little body. I was horrified and threw up. She won't stop mocking me for being a "sissy". FML

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By Confuseddad - United Kingdom

Today, two aggressive police officers appeared at my door informing me that a complaint was filed about my 18 year-old son having "inappropriate relations" with a 16 year-old. We live in England. I had to Google the law to prove to them this was legal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Walmart, a crazy old woman bitched me out for being pregnant. She kept following me around, calling me a stupid teen slut and saying she hoped my baby died so I could live a "normal life". I'm 26 and just very short. FML

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By melean - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

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By need my own place - United States

Today, while I was cutting myself some watermelon, my mom walked in. I could tell she hadn't taken her medication in a while because she freaked out, grabbed the knife, and burst into tears before yelling at me, saying I could have cut myself and bled out. FML

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By Happy Birthday

Today, my Dad gave me my birthday card. The envelope was blank, as was the card, and the £0.25 price tag was still on. He was fully aware of all these things, but handed it to me and said, "By the way, I didn't write anything." Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

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By Temporalvisions - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

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By garlicbread - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to make myself a nice meal. I bought expensive pasta and sauce etc. It looked delicious, I decided the finishing touch would be some parmesan cheese. I grabbed the bag and threw a handful of cheese on my meal. The cheese was about 98% mould. FML

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By Meagan Ortiz - 16/8/2020 23:02

Wardrobe change please

Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML

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By nobodylovesme - United States - Northridge

Today, it was my wedding day. Three people showed up. My mom, my dad, and the priest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised just how grossly out of shape I am, when I started violently sweating, felt light-headed, and almost blacked out. All this from helping my sister shift a sofa from the move-in truck to her living room. FML

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By Oh man... - Australia - Perth

Doggy Wants A Bone

Today, I began my ritual of my afternoon wank. As I was about to finish, I noticed my dog staring at me from across the room. We shared a longboard stare as I came, and I can't look him in the eyes the same way. FML

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By Eodowoiono - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

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By IRum - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

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By Babyhazy - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I'm so tired from constantly soothing my crying 2-month-old baby that I've started trying to soothe inanimate objects with baby talk when they make a noise. My fridge stated beeping and I began an involuntary chorus of, 'It's OK darling, shhhhhh, it's alright.' FML

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By Gnomead

Why People Break Bad

Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML

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By smidge - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

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By Razz - Australia - Lilydale

Today, I got fired, apparently for being racist to black people. When I told my boyfriend, he couldn't stop laughing. He's black. FML

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By TheGestalt97

Late warning

Today, an email appeared in my inbox saying that the final this week that was supposed to be on Saturday has been moved forward to Thursday. It’s Friday. FML

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By ShittyProposal - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML

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By No Action Fighter - United States

Freaked out

Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By bob - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

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By Harvey knicks grandad - 10/2/2021 21:58 - United Kingdom

Father of the year

Today, my son told me he failed to get into the army, which I didn’t know he was trying to do. Apparently he thought playing Call of Duty non-stop counted as "experience" and that he’d become an officer rank straight away, despite being 10-stone overweight with the brains of a tree stump FML

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By smiletellsall - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. He had a huge smile on his face, so I assumed I was going to get promoted. He then sat down, and told me that he had been sleeping with my wife for the last three months. He still had a huge smile on his face. FML

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By bloody hell - Philippines - Para?aque

Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML

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Top comments

By lolnothanks | 18

#5590471 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:09

Damn. What a pain in the bee-hind

By oneforceone | 8

#5590477 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

You should bee more careful next time.

COMMENTS

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590468 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:07

sweet! by the way, I'm a sad, sad little man, I have no self-respect, little kids scare me so much I piss my pants when I'm around them, and I'm just pissing my life away in my mom's basement. ugh, I guess I just need a little pep-talk from the FML community, ya'know, but yeah

Reply

flockz | 19

#5590506 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:32

it's ok bro! you're not pissing your life away! pull it together! take those little brats to your basement and show them who's boss!

wait....

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5590535 - Sunday 21 July 2013 11:04

1- you forgot the explosive diarrhea and how small your penis is

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5590543 - Sunday 21 July 2013 11:25

#23 -- That's not a level, that's a specimen.

Reply

wildnargles | 15

#5590619 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:48

What you need is a therapist.

Reply

websphere69 | 27

#5590717 - Sunday 21 July 2013 15:53

ROTFLMAO

Reply

websphere69 | 27

#5590719 - Sunday 21 July 2013 15:57

Maybe you should work with our OP here..,

Reply

br00kr | 22

#5590861 - Sunday 21 July 2013 18:31

Ouch. Sorry for you op!

Reply

magaliwoodrock | 19

#5590894 - Sunday 21 July 2013 19:03

What did that comment say?? It got moderated :(

Reply

alexsandria83 | 18

#5591169 - Sunday 21 July 2013 21:53

Loser

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590470 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:08

I apologize but it was weighing on my mind so I had to throw that out there

Reply

NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5590484 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:15

Wow, just wow. You just ruined it.

Reply

GuessWhatKids | 13

#5592705 - Monday 22 July 2013 20:48

Not sure if master troll or huge failure

By lolnothanks | 18

#5590471 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:09

Damn. What a pain in the bee-hind

Reply

misunderstood94 | 15

#5590670 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:06

That's usually why people stop what they're doing to listen... FML & YDI

Reply

stitesy29 | 18

#5590933 - Sunday 21 July 2013 19:22

I SEE WHAT YOU DID TARR!!

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590473 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:10

man what a stinger sorry you got bee-tacked

Reply

Zambowi | 15

#5590476 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

3 comments later and this is what you come up with smh

Reply

dhaworth93 | 8

#5590482 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:14

yes this is what I came up with I don't see any witty comments or funny bee jokes from you so please tell us who pissed on your hornets nest

Reply

Zambowi | 15

#5590486 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:15

LOL WAT You're literally just flooding this fml with comments about you being first

Reply

whiteboy896 | 9

#5590547 - Sunday 21 July 2013 11:34

-5 It happens to the best of us.

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5590680 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:25

23- Maybe if he didn't troll comment the 1,2, & 4 spots that doesn't just happen...

By oneforceone | 8

#5590477 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

You should bee more careful next time.

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590478 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

awe don't hate the first comment chill out let a man have some fun lol why you gotta thumb me down? you know what go right away cause you are just jealous you didn't get first Lol I got my first comment so shit I'm happy lol

By sharksfan48 | 13

#5590481 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:14

Always have to check before you wreck

By fsomelife | 26

#5590485 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:15

The classic question comes up -- two bee, or a whole assload of bee?

Reply

gotaplanstan | 28

#5591273 - Monday 22 July 2013 0:06

two beez! SNIPED!
what's next what's next

By YUMMYFRENCHFRIES | 16

#5590490 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:18

That stings…… ok, I know that was a bad pun.

By revolution4ever | 14

#5590491 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:19

Bee-tween you and me, I don't think OP listens very well.