Work: Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker yell something, but I couldn't hear him, so I just pulled the stump out anyway. What I realized too late was that he was telling me that there was a swarm of bees living behind the stump. FML

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Walk the line

Great customer service, thanks!

Denial

By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked a very attractive girl out, then later I ended up talking with her. One of my friends comes up to us and points out that I'm beet red and, "blushing like a bitch". She notices and laughs. FML

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By nottoosmall - United States

Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

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By yournick - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

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By TaintedL0v3 - United Kingdom - London

Heavy session last night?

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

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By Acneface - France

Today, I got my hair done, eyebrows waxed, and a new expensive dress to impress my boyfriend. When I got home I asked him if he noticed anything different about me. He looked at me for one minute before asking, "Did you finally start using Proactive?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 02:02

Better off out

Today, I was fired because I spoke up about a supervisor mistreating me. The assistant VP spent the meeting demeaning me to “teach me a lesson” and then said she was firing me because I “stirred the pot." Man, I really loved that job but I won’t miss the toxic work culture. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me while I was at work. She did so by telling me she has a yeast infection. FML

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By I stink

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally able to settle on having a day out together after putting it off for months because of work/other random reasons. This morning I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t be leaving the bathroom anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend of 5 days proposed to me at the mall. FML

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By WhatsThatSmell - Australia

Today, I took a busy train into the city. I was lucky enough to get a seat. People were forced to stand in the aisle in front of me, and the person directly opposite me, whose butt was level with my head farted in my face. Twice. FML

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By shouldveknown - Canada

Today, I found out that the money my boyfriend has "secretly" been putting away for the last two months is not for an engagement ring like I'd thought, but for a trip to Vegas I'm not invited to. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 21:30

Yada yada yada

Today, after almost a year of no steady work, I struggled to get anything done once my 7-months pregnant girlfriend woke up at noon. She wanted to talk the whole time, and eventually broke down crying because of her relationship with her mother. I spent the the day consoling her. No wonder I can't get any work. FML

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By skinnybitch

Superficial

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

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By Erin - 2/1/2021 20:01

Warming it up

Today, I bought an expensive blanket to help warm up for the winter. Right after I put it on the bed, my dog jumped up and peed on it. FML

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By Arthur - United States

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was on the bus, my foot fell asleep. When we arrived at my stop, I stood up and limped to the front of the bus. As I walked down the steps, I tripped, fell, and smashed my nose into the ground. The driver just laughed and drove away. FML

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By HotelNA614 - United States - Mason

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

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By secretagentsam00

Thug life

Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML

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By Thanksalot - United States - Edinburg

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML

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By Dogs loose - France

Today, I found out that there's nothing like having to chase a 100-something lb. Bloodhound around the neighborhood when you're 8 months pregnant, with a 3 and 4 year old in tow. Especially when she runs the other way at the sight of you coming. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking into CVS, two older men outside said to me "Young lady, please consider us on your way out." Thinking they were hitting on me, I rolled my eyes and said "Screw you." When I walked back outside, I realized they were asking for AIDS donations. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Rakkestad

Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML

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By FlGirl - United States

Today, I stepped outside for a smoke. It was 1 a.m. Thinking no one was around, I let out a series of loud, nasty-sounding farts. I looked over to my left to see the neighbor, whom I've never met, also smoking, and staring at me. That was his first impression of me. FML

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By sorry :/ - United States - Monroe Township

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

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By Courtney - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

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By Misskittygal14

Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

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By catt - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

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By fishoutofwater - United States - Radcliff

Today, in an attempt to broaden my horizons in another sport besides swimming, I succeeded in getting a frisbee spiked into my face. FML

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By paulwatson93 - United States

Today, I went bowling with some friends. After a few beers I was showing off spinning the ball around on the tip of my finger. One trip to the ER and two crushed nuts later, I've found that mixing alcohol and heavy shiny balls is not a good idea. FML

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By Professionally Curtious

Today, I was offered my dream job. When I gave my current employer my 2+ weeks notice so they'd have time to find a replacement, I was told to pack up and leave immediately. Now I'm out a month's pay because I gave notice instead of just leaving. FML

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By HateTheBus

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Can you hear me, Dave?

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

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By greeple - Singapore

Today, I decided to clean my face of unwanted visitors, and spent my shower popping the pimples on my cheeks. Twenty minutes later, I remembered that I was showering ahead of a date with my girlfriend. My cheeks now look like the crater-filled surface of Mars. FML

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By Normal - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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By sllaggy

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

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By apparentlybutch - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I asked out the girl I really like. She turned me down, saying that she's a lesbian. That'd be fine, if I were a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2021 14:01

No thanks

Today, it's been since 2014 that I've been looking for a girlfriend, and the average response I've gotten was no. Today I got, "Ew, hell no." FML

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By you - United Kingdom

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name is not Kate. FML

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Top comments

By lolnothanks | 18

#5590471 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:09

Damn. What a pain in the bee-hind

By oneforceone | 8

#5590477 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

You should bee more careful next time.

COMMENTS

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590468 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:07

sweet! by the way, I'm a sad, sad little man, I have no self-respect, little kids scare me so much I piss my pants when I'm around them, and I'm just pissing my life away in my mom's basement. ugh, I guess I just need a little pep-talk from the FML community, ya'know, but yeah

Reply

flockz | 19

#5590506 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:32

it's ok bro! you're not pissing your life away! pull it together! take those little brats to your basement and show them who's boss!

wait....

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5590535 - Sunday 21 July 2013 11:04

1- you forgot the explosive diarrhea and how small your penis is

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5590543 - Sunday 21 July 2013 11:25

#23 -- That's not a level, that's a specimen.

Reply

wildnargles | 15

#5590619 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:48

What you need is a therapist.

Reply

websphere69 | 27

#5590717 - Sunday 21 July 2013 15:53

ROTFLMAO

Reply

websphere69 | 27

#5590719 - Sunday 21 July 2013 15:57

Maybe you should work with our OP here..,

Reply

br00kr | 22

#5590861 - Sunday 21 July 2013 18:31

Ouch. Sorry for you op!

Reply

magaliwoodrock | 19

#5590894 - Sunday 21 July 2013 19:03

What did that comment say?? It got moderated :(

Reply

alexsandria83 | 18

#5591169 - Sunday 21 July 2013 21:53

Loser

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590470 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:08

I apologize but it was weighing on my mind so I had to throw that out there

Reply

NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5590484 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:15

Wow, just wow. You just ruined it.

Reply

GuessWhatKids | 13

#5592705 - Monday 22 July 2013 20:48

Not sure if master troll or huge failure

By lolnothanks | 18

#5590471 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:09

Damn. What a pain in the bee-hind

Reply

misunderstood94 | 15

#5590670 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:06

That's usually why people stop what they're doing to listen... FML & YDI

Reply

stitesy29 | 18

#5590933 - Sunday 21 July 2013 19:22

I SEE WHAT YOU DID TARR!!

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590473 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:10

man what a stinger sorry you got bee-tacked

Reply

Zambowi | 15

#5590476 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

3 comments later and this is what you come up with smh

Reply

dhaworth93 | 8

#5590482 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:14

yes this is what I came up with I don't see any witty comments or funny bee jokes from you so please tell us who pissed on your hornets nest

Reply

Zambowi | 15

#5590486 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:15

LOL WAT You're literally just flooding this fml with comments about you being first

Reply

whiteboy896 | 9

#5590547 - Sunday 21 July 2013 11:34

-5 It happens to the best of us.

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5590680 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:25

23- Maybe if he didn't troll comment the 1,2, & 4 spots that doesn't just happen...

By oneforceone | 8

#5590477 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

You should bee more careful next time.

By dhaworth93 | 8

#5590478 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:12

awe don't hate the first comment chill out let a man have some fun lol why you gotta thumb me down? you know what go right away cause you are just jealous you didn't get first Lol I got my first comment so shit I'm happy lol

By sharksfan48 | 13

#5590481 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:14

Always have to check before you wreck

By fsomelife | 26

#5590485 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:15

The classic question comes up -- two bee, or a whole assload of bee?

Reply

gotaplanstan | 28

#5591273 - Monday 22 July 2013 0:06

two beez! SNIPED!
what's next what's next

By YUMMYFRENCHFRIES | 16

#5590490 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:18

That stings…… ok, I know that was a bad pun.

By revolution4ever | 14

#5590491 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:19

Bee-tween you and me, I don't think OP listens very well.