Health: Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 313

You deserved it 81

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 1 158

09/10/2014 06:51

Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed by bees. When my grandma saw me covered in stings later on, she said, "Oh yeah, there are tons of bees in the grass! Be careful!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 982

You deserved it 2 703

Health

BO Central

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Time for the dentist

24/02/2014 00:34

Today, my sister finished a project about something she hates. Me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 736

You deserved it 4 003

26/06/2015 21:46

Today, I was at the market when a guy started telling the man I was with how "curly-haired women are an adventure," saying what he would do to a woman like me. He was talking to my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 301

You deserved it 1 784

17/05/2015 06:31

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 419

You deserved it 3 575

08/11/2015 09:34

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 281

You deserved it 1 920

13/01/2011 02:06

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 802

You deserved it 4 704

30/04/2017 20:00

Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 481

You deserved it 521

30/03/2013 01:29

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She didn't say no, she didn't faint, and she didn't cry. She just stared at me blankly and said, "But... why...?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 145

You deserved it 4 077

30/04/2013 12:28

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 507

You deserved it 11 722

25/06/2019 12:35

Today, I went to the bank to open an account. It took hours for them to tell me that I needed my driver's license, passport, and residency paper. I returned with the documents. They then said that they couldn't help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 139

22/11/2010 11:33

Today, I was feeling nauseous and my cat was comforting me. I breathed in through my nose, and my cat's fur caused me to sneeze. I sneezed so hard, I threw up out my nose. Nothing will get rid of the smell from within my nasal cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 393

You deserved it 3 952

31/10/2014 12:31

Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 301

You deserved it 3 129

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 02:00

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 160

21/03/2009 23:18

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 204

You deserved it 6 949

16/06/2011 02:42

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 802

You deserved it 10 023

Headshot

By PeterRabit - 25/07/2009 15:11

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 832

You deserved it 47 107

19/03/2010 10:05

Today, I realized that my new boyfriend only showers about once every ten days, and to get him to shower more often I have to bribe him with oral sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 785

You deserved it 22 123

22/10/2010 13:26

Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 205

You deserved it 30 864

13/06/2015 14:26

Today, I found out that my homophobic boyfriend, who I was giving a chance to grow the fuck up and get over his obsession with bashing gays, has been cheating on me with another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 369

You deserved it 5 546

12/05/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 681

You deserved it 434

13/12/2017 06:00

Today, the gas company had to be called into work for a possible gas leak. The pipes are fine. I had White Castle for dinner last night. I'm the gas leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 770

You deserved it 1 189

30/04/2018 20:30

Today, 5 minutes before closing, a customer was taking a bike from the row while I helped someone else. The customer ended up pushing the whole row down and left instantly without even apologizing. It took me about an hour to pick up the bikes and check for damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 526

You deserved it 196

07/10/2009 20:07

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 578

You deserved it 13 210

11/05/2014 19:22

Today, I moved into my new house. The previous occupants failed to tell me that they'd recently kicked out their crazy crackhead son, who seems to think they've paid me to pretend that they've moved out and that I'm the new owner. He wants back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 112

You deserved it 3 576

I need it

By Anonymous - 07/07/2020 02:02

Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 920

You deserved it 336

03/11/2011 16:13

Today, I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 553

You deserved it 44 978

17/03/2014 09:51

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 967

You deserved it 4 105

Close Zoom, quick sharp

By Slow Down - 29/10/2020 13:01

Today, I had a first date via video, due to Covid. It was the first time a girl had asked me out, and she seemed very enthusiastic. Until she started to worry me by throwing in the L-word about 10 minutes in, and talking about our wedding. I've never even met this person in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 113

You deserved it 114

20/11/2011 10:23

Today, at 2am, I heard a strange sound coming from the hallway. I walked over, only to discover my drunk boyfriend pissing in the closet. On my favorite shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 116

You deserved it 4 879

27/01/2016 16:35

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 678

You deserved it 3 307

Ticket to ride

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 22:01

Today, I was in a bus headed to another city and fell asleep as did everyone else. I must've woken up last, because I half-snorted as I woke up and everybody heard. Now we’re on a coffee break and I can see them all snicker about it outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 119

Thanks Texas

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 10:59

Today, my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum: either get an abortion, or he’ll move out to go work for his brother, and good luck chasing him up for child support because his brother lives abroad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 081

You deserved it 225

26/06/2015 03:06

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 758

You deserved it 2 021

19/02/2010 11:52

Today, I was teaching a special techniques class for ballet and was focusing on pirouettes. I was teaching a group of 8 year olds, and one student could do perfect triple turns one after the other. I still can't do them, and I've been dancing for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 151

You deserved it 6 066

22/10/2011 23:16

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 323

You deserved it 3 154

30/01/2010 05:01

Today, the guy that I'm in love with and plan to marry some day told me he would choose a million dollars over me. I got upset and told him I no longer want to be with him. In an excited voice he said, "Really? So are you serious I don't have to worry about this love stuff anymore?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 171

You deserved it 9 124

05/03/2015 13:32

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 187

You deserved it 3 407

11/11/2010 13:34

Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 652

You deserved it 43 004

25/06/2010 00:14

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 848

You deserved it 6 524

21/10/2014 15:37

Today, my parents told me off for reading, as opposed to watching TV like the rest of the family, because it was "anti-social". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 137

You deserved it 2 815

02/11/2018 13:30

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 290

You deserved it 357

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Top comments

dweeds508 24

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Thursday 9 October 2014 15:59

Just a little late to warn you

BadApple88 29

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:00

Good thing you're not allergic

Comments

dweeds508 24

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Thursday 9 October 2014 15:59

Just a little late to warn you

supernerd95 17

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Thursday 9 October 2014 17:40

at least he got warned!.. XD lol

mohamed_H 21

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Thursday 9 October 2014 19:28

Yeah but what's the point after the damage has already been done ?

BadApple88 29

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:00

Good thing you're not allergic

notsoanonymous3 20

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Thursday 9 October 2014 22:49

Um, you don't know that!

Ichiya 29

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Thursday 9 October 2014 23:48

If he was it would be a very different fml. "Today I nearly died because my grandma forgot to mention the bees before I mowed her lawn. FML"

JMichael 25

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:01

Too fricking late grandma...

littleteapot 21

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Thursday 9 October 2014 18:25

Better late than never! .... or does that not work here?

badluckalex 23

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Thursday 9 October 2014 20:19

no.

beserker81 12

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Friday 10 October 2014 2:58

It doesn't #33

UnidentifiedFun 37

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:01

Hindsight is 20/20, OP.

Kindroth 12

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:03

Geez that sounds painful, hope you are alright.

PrincessCastiel 27

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:05

She should've told you to bee careful earlier. Sorry OP!

devildog562 33

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:06

Haha just bee yourself op and bee very careful! Your grandma is awesome but I'm sorry you got stung.

Enslaved 36

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:46

Yeah, especially if OP was stung on their boo-bees. :O

devildog562 33

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Thursday 9 October 2014 20:03

Enslaved, you win this thread . Well played .

Ichiya 29

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Thursday 9 October 2014 23:49

Boo-bees are the best kind of bees.

WadeNickerson 16

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:06

To the one person who voted YDI on this FML so far... Fuck you.

Akouseur 7

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Thursday 9 October 2014 17:06

People vote "YDI" without even looking at the FML, like they'll just go down the page and keep clicking "YDI"

llamarrama01 21

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:08

You must bee pretty pissed.

annarcheer 19

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Thursday 9 October 2014 16:11

maybe she forgot