Intimacy: Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help...

By julia - 01/12/2012 01:02 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 355

You deserved it 3 920

Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Vulture

Taking sides

By Anonymous - 01/03/2013 07:18 - United States - American Canyon

Today, my wife packed my lunch. Inside of my lunchbox was a photo of her eating my sandwiches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 605

You deserved it 7 369

By Liz - 26/03/2016 19:26 - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 209

You deserved it 3 573

By noiguessitsbroken :( - 07/08/2013 12:24 - Lithuania - Kaunas

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 640

You deserved it 4 827

By Anonymous - 04/12/2015 20:36 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 003

You deserved it 2 915

By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 22:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 521

You deserved it 2 571

By Julia - 02/08/2010 09:50 - New Zealand

Today, I applied for a job and sent my CV, then realised I sent the example CV I got off the internet. Now they think Bob Brown who lives at 123 Sunshine Street is applying for a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 745

You deserved it 38 191

Small world

By ShouldICallYouDaddy - 30/04/2016 11:49 - United Kingdom - Grantham

Today, I discovered that the "hot, slutty, woman" my roommate has been dating is my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 179

You deserved it 2 386

By maddyUnderstood - 31/05/2019 00:00

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 720

You deserved it 161

By Zack - 11/03/2009 18:57 - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 130

You deserved it 96 891

By chinesef000d - 29/08/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my apartment when I woke up to the smell of smoke. Alarmed, I ran out to the kitchen to find my roommates trying to put out a fire on the stove. As soon as they saw me, they ran for it, informing me that it was my problem now. They used my good frying pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 899

You deserved it 3 172

By mybad7 - 15/09/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 895

You deserved it 34 410

By Holland - 04/04/2019 12:00

Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 971

You deserved it 152

By lamb-chop - 02/12/2008 06:32 - France

Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 797

You deserved it 2 405

By Very Divorced - 10/10/2018 20:00 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is cheating on me with not one, not two, but nine girls. How he did it, I don't even know. How I found out? I was coming into my room to surprise him for his birthday and saw him having a threesome. We have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 747

You deserved it 429

Knock off

By mee - 24/11/2020 08:02

Today, I overheard my six year-old step-son playing with his sister and cousin. His sister was the baby, cousin the step-dad, and he got to be “the best one” because he was the "real dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 101

By Username - 05/10/2011 00:02 - United States

Today, on my way home, my girlfriend started sexting me, telling me that she was waiting at my house. In my rush to get home to see her, I got pulled over and had to be patted down. He found no weapons, but he did find my stiffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 810

You deserved it 12 599

By Anonymous - 15/10/2015 20:44 - United Kingdom - Hampton Hill

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 000

You deserved it 1 500

By deadmedia - 30/08/2009 00:39 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 897

You deserved it 3 848

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - 28/09/2020 18:02 - United States - Gillette

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 155

Horn section

By Anonymous - 09/03/2021 21:30

Today, I matched with someone on a dating app. The first thing they said to me was, "What is the chance that you are the trombone player living below me and would you please stop playing after 9 p.m.?" I am that trombone player and due to Covid I have to practice a lot in my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 1 324

By Lilly_28 - 11/08/2009 14:01 - United States

Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 895

You deserved it 18 399

Overreact much?!

By Kohsukeff - 06/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Gig Harbor

Today, my dad called me a "worthless human being", and told me that I'm "better off committing crimes and living life in a prison cell", all because I haven't gotten into the industry I studied for right out of college. I'm currently at a temp job doing accounting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 56

By Anonymous - 09/09/2014 20:23

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 313

You deserved it 7 734

Slumming it

By Anonymous - 25/09/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my mum and I were moving the last of  my stuff into my new flat when I heard some creaking. The sound was  coming from the bathroom, so I went to check it out. As I stepped  through the door, the floor collapsed and the bathtub and I fell  right through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 804

You deserved it 95

By tyrettes - 11/08/2019 20:00

Today, I started a new yard maintenance job. Before the day had even ended, I got fired, because I apparently didn’t have enough experience, and I moved too slowly. It was supposed to be my training day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 556

You deserved it 208

By Stormbringer - 01/02/2011 06:37

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 376

You deserved it 4 103

By dsbass09 - 09/07/2011 05:59 - United States

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 803

You deserved it 5 556

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 11:12 - Switzerland

Today, I ate lunch alone. None of my colleagues saved me a seat. One of those colleagues was my husband. He didn't even have the decency to move so that I wouldn't have to eat alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 890

You deserved it 4 588

By Anonymous - 04/10/2013 05:04 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 759

You deserved it 4 937

Lrn 2 Read

By in love with a nerd - 02/09/2019 15:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 232

By Alice - 01/08/2009 08:15 - United States

Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 361

You deserved it 10 825

By lawdwhy - 12/11/2017 22:09

Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 006

You deserved it 467

By Anonymous - 16/06/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 656

You deserved it 10 972

By Patricia - 01/10/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 393

You deserved it 5 685

By kjirut - 27/10/2009 18:49 - Norway

Today, I realized that the only thing I learned from my first serious relationship was how to fake an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 486

You deserved it 5 038

By Anonymous - 20/07/2012 20:26 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 475

You deserved it 3 111

By Anonymous - 10/02/2012 05:31 - United States

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 838

You deserved it 7 257

By jellyybean - 05/09/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 582

You deserved it 5 845

By cereal stepper - 23/10/2016 09:42

Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 662

You deserved it 5 451

By tenniemo - 10/08/2019 14:00

Today, I caught one of my students checking out my butt while I was helping another student at his table. I teach 8th grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 380

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Top comments

that1kid82 2

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:52

Wood floats

MrClean17 15

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:56

He was probably even more embarrassed than you were

that1kid82 2

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:52

Wood floats

MrForgetable 0

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:56

Lol! Kudos to you on that one :P

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 1 December 2012 6:01

Luckily for the boy, and everyone else into the pool, the wood floating was merely a plank, and not a log.

sens3sfailing 24

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Saturday 1 December 2012 6:06

Wow, a redefinition of planking, having an obvious boner at incredibly awkward moments...MAKE IT HAPPEN INTERNET!

ozone9914 2

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Saturday 1 December 2012 7:26

i saw that happening at my the same day this was posted

ZeroZoom 6

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Saturday 1 December 2012 7:55

Hawkward!

AlexM42 5

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Saturday 1 December 2012 15:34

A first comment that actually adds value to the conversation?! How can this be?

KindaFunnyRight 8

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Sunday 2 December 2012 4:50

I hate piggybackers whose comments are irrelevant to the comment they're replying to >:/

FMBandNerd 8

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Sunday 2 December 2012 7:25

@19. Actually an awkward boner site does exist.

Brotha_Lou 5

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Sunday 2 December 2012 20:57

The Wood pecker

Toasty283 8

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Wednesday 3 July 2013 21:56

I was gonna say drift wood...

acekid38 3

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:54

Wendy peffercorn...

GirlYouNasty 11

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Saturday 1 December 2012 6:18

"Every summer from then on, she looked down on him, and smiled." Awesome ass movie. Funny now that was the first thing that jumped to my head too

Tempest559 12

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Saturday 1 December 2012 19:42

Classic!

gojira666 7

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Saturday 1 December 2012 23:37

Oiling and lotioning, lotioning and oiling....I cant take it anymore!

KingCeltic77 18

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Sunday 2 December 2012 6:57

"This magic moment!"

lilmisslovely13 15

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Sunday 2 December 2012 16:58

"Did you plan that?" "Course! I've been planning that for years!"

Idiotsspoutcrap 6

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:54

Its the flag ship

Jjgibbs 5

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Saturday 1 December 2012 6:13

I think that girls should take it as an compliment when they are attractive enough to give a person am erection

RvidxrKlvn 8

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Saturday 1 December 2012 10:47

A lamp could give a teenage boy an erection.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 1 December 2012 11:09

64- depends on the curves...

NeDaroft 5

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Saturday 1 December 2012 15:16

More like, the flag pole

swmr4life 9

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Thursday 27 February 2020 7:10

Not a compliment when your an adult and they are a teen, and they are your student. Pretty awkward. 🙄

MrClean17 15

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:56

He was probably even more embarrassed than you were

onlychildFTW 33

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Saturday 1 December 2012 11:37

I would be. Unless OP and the boy are around the same age. ;) haha

ThatsMyPie 20

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Sunday 2 December 2012 4:50

68 - I would be in any case.

ryry013 6

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Sunday 2 December 2012 11:47

So you're saying if youre fifteen, and your fifteen year old friend was holding you up in the water and you got a boner, you wouldn't be embarrassed? What is it about when they get older to cause someone to supposedly forget why it happens ?

DarkHelmet 10

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:57

GIGGITY!!

Draxanoth 15

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Saturday 1 December 2012 6:01

Shut up, Meg.

sheethapins 13

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Saturday 1 December 2012 7:07

Damn you all! Victory shall be mine!

wickedninja918 1

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Saturday 1 December 2012 7:34

*starts to talk about the latest movies*

379_fml 11

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Saturday 1 December 2012 8:28

45- that's what the boy was hoping

sheethapins 13

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Sunday 2 December 2012 2:04

57 Quiet, you.

obsessPossess 14

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Thursday 22 December 2016 9:28

.. SPN?

verkaderk 9

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:57

He just really likes your flotation devices

newbiehere99 6

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Saturday 1 December 2012 6:09

Either that or really wanted to back "stroke"

malikgirl 2

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Saturday 1 December 2012 6:31

...

goose12321 11

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Saturday 1 December 2012 6:56

Mmmm.... flotation devices

JudgeTroll 6

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Saturday 1 December 2012 8:01

I personally think the breaststroke might be more relevant.

buckdharma 36

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Saturday 1 December 2012 15:37

Doggy style.

PandaKitteh 20

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Saturday 1 December 2012 17:43

Doggy 'paddle'... ;]

fenixtorador1 11

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Saturday 1 December 2012 18:21

I'm loving the way 88 thinks lol

nchov523 11

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Saturday 1 December 2012 18:26

21- breaststroke.

FizzyApple 3

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:57

Take it as a compliment.

martinez121797 15

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Sunday 10 March 2013 19:00

Right u have to look at the bright side

bigbadtim 7

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:58

He's doing a submarine impersonation. His erection is his para scope.

sweetmama88 6

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Saturday 1 December 2012 9:07

I love your answer !

Mister_Triangle 21

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Saturday 1 December 2012 13:14

Life is a question. Death is the only answer.

billyw02 5

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Saturday 1 December 2012 13:49

Fucking weirdo...

FML_Whale 18

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Saturday 1 December 2012 18:01

75 - Honestly, nobody cares if you're fucking a person named Weirdo.

opoopu 8

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Sunday 2 December 2012 1:31

^They may take a look if it is a whale though.

AwesomePdudE 9

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Sunday 2 December 2012 5:23

Periscope. Perioral dermatitis. Peri-, a prefix meaning "around". Periscopes look around, perioral dermatitis is a rash without many known causes around the mouth. Paradox, paralyze. Para-, a totally different prefix.

FML_Whale 18

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:58

Did he try to hide it? Or was he proud of it?

bettykooler 7

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Saturday 1 December 2012 6:29

Yeah really! Lol you'd think he'd refuse to swim till it went away!.. Geez if he was proud if it I'd pay to see a picture of his face. Probably looked like 16's profile picture.. Hahaha ohh poor poor guy!!

Stain92 14

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Saturday 1 December 2012 14:04

Refuse to swim away from an embarrassing situation? I'd be using it as a propeller if it was me.

gc327072 30

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Sunday 2 December 2012 2:33

76- to impress a chick....

sincerelyjay 13

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Sunday 2 December 2012 6:38

Do the helicopter dick

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 1 December 2012 5:58

I could only imagine how embarrassing it was for him. Now in his mind he's thinking "Now I'll never have a chance with her!" even though he never did. It always goes the way you want it in your mind.