Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me.... - FML

By that girl has a beard - 4/8/2015 07:33 - Canada

Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

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Incognito browsing

Breaking Badly

Race against the clock

By anonymous - 28/12/2010 02:18 - United States

Today, the girl that I have been secretly madly in love with for 6 years told me "fuck off and stop doing nice things for me." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 08:30 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

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By crazy cat lady - 3/11/2016 19:31 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

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By F U mil - 12/8/2020 23:05

I'll get right on it, chief

Today, my mother-in-law called me selfish, lazy and a bad mother for giving my kids chores, like picking up toys and shoes. When we got married, my husband didn’t even know how to load a dishwasher or run a load of laundry. According to her, a "real mother" waits on her family hand and foot. Yeah, OK. FML

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By tamponmayhem - 9/3/2009 19:30 - Canada

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2018 03:30

Today, I finally found out why I got a D in a class last semester. It was a heavily attendance-based class, and apparently he only marked you present if you participated in class discussion. It was a 100-seat lecture. FML

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By IndieRox - 28/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

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By sXeQueen - 13/3/2010 15:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was having a really bad day, so I decided to call him and try to calm him down. At one point, I thought it would be sweet to sing him a song since he claimed to love my voice. Before I could get half way through, he told me to shut up because I was getting on his nerves and just making things worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her "just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and turned to me to yell "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML

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By Dad41 - 21/6/2019 12:00

Toynado

Today, I came home from work and found that my son had taken every single one of his toys out and left them on the floor. Plus some goldfish crackers. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 15:54 - United States - Niles

Today, somebody kicked the crap out of my car and spray painted "CHEATER" on the sides. I've never even had a girlfriend. FML

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By Peppermint - 17/3/2011 10:00 - New Zealand

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

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By sore - 19/4/2011 10:03 - Ireland

Today, my friend and I were bouncing around on a trampoline. We brought my dog up to bounce him around. We found it hilarious. He didn't. He attacked us. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2015 12:04 - United States - Camden

Today, my sister and I were planning a trip to get away from things and visit some faraway friends. My dad then decided to insert himself into our plans. He got mad when we said no, and couldn't understand why we wanted to go by ourselves. FML

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By Gioia - 30/4/2013 12:28 - Bulgaria - Vidin

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2013 07:18 - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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By 50love - 13/12/2011 05:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he finished all of them cheered. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 07:57 - United States - Houston

Today, at dinner, my downstair's neighbors described how they can listen to most of my movements, including the buzz of my phone when I text late at night. I think all of us knew it is not my phone that vibrates at that time. FML

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By #isthisthepoundkey? - 1/11/2013 16:49 - United States - Deltona

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

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By dempasi - 6/5/2016 18:51 - United States - Utica

Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML

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By 00bsg - 21/12/2013 15:46 - United States - Salem

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

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By Cinderstar95 - 28/12/2016 09:34 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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By corey - 28/2/2012 03:41 - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. He laughed at me and said, "That's hilarious because I was going to ask you if you could take a pay cut!" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2014 13:29 - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

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By micheal - 21/6/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, while I was delivering pizza in the torrential downpour, I waited 5 minutes in the pouring rain for an old lady to dig 20 bucks out of her purse. Her total was $19.99. She told me to keep the change and make lots of money. FML

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By justlittleoldme - 25/7/2012 21:05 - United States - Sarona

Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML

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By NOIDIDNOT - 19/11/2012 06:21 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I vaguely remember telling the doctor that I'm a virgin. Several times. FML

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By madisonbubch - 23/9/2014 01:04 - United States - Vine Grove

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML

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By sneeuwbal - 25/12/2014 18:36 - Belgium - Dilbeek

Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2016 20:06 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

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By orangethonglover - 17/7/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out the real cause of my dog's illness that she had just recovered from. When my sister took her in to see the vet, the vet said my dog was constipated, and swallowed something orange. That orange thing happened to be my favorite thong. FML

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By Roostermann25 - 31/5/2016 01:34 - United States - Lebanon

Today, while meeting some of the big boss guys at my new job, one of the men sneezed on his hand and then grabbed mine for a handshake. I felt every gooey bit of his snot between our hands. FML

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By arse-face - 28/6/2013 23:22 - Ireland - Caher

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 20:00

Tasty

Today, while picking up my extremely drunk girlfriend from a party, she insisted on attempting to make out with me. She threw up in my mouth mid-kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 02:25

The Dilbert Principle

Today, I had to attend an interview in order to keep my job, despite exceeding all of my targets for over a year. My supervisor has not reached a single target at all in the same time, yet his job is safe and not under review. FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - 24/7/2014 20:51 - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By oopsydaddy - 14/8/2018 06:00

Today, my dad asked my help with a computer problem. Whenever he logged on Facebook, every single advertisement appeared to be hardcore porn. I had to awkwardly explain that these ads are based on his browsing habits. FML

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By Nonbikerbiker - 8/12/2018 22:00

Today, while enjoying a nice drive on my motorcycle, I got into an accident. I was lucky to have minor injuries, but my bike was totaled. When I got home, I found the driver of the car that hit me sitting in my living room. My partner introduced us by saying, “and this is my gay lover, grandpa.” FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

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Top comments

By TheNiceOne | 20

#6371102 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:38

Op, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that it was probably really really dark in there at the time.

By reshab911 | 13

#6371099 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:37

What movie was it BTW?

COMMENTS

By Thebluest1 | 16

#6371097 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:35

Wow the sucks

Reply

dabaerju | 23

#6371696 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 6:27

*that. There was a 2-minute window for editing that. A TWO-MINUTE window! Oh well.

By ghostriley | 14

#6371098 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:36

Fail

By reshab911 | 13

#6371099 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:37

What movie was it BTW?

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6371137 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 18:10

How to lose a guy in 10 days.

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#6371258 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 20:13

She's just not that into you.

Reply

JayGatsby | 25

#6371286 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 20:33

She's the man

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6371332 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 21:29

pretty woman

Reply

worldclassrager | 39

#6371391 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 22:31

The notebook

By McIntian | 12

#6371100 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:37

how could you not tell he was a guy?

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#6371177 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 18:35

Theaters are very dark and some guys have long hair and look very feminine. Sometimes it's hard to tell, let alone in almost pure darkness.

Reply

gichikku | 14

#6371195 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 18:54

In the case of it being too dark to tell the sex, how would he know she was really cute?

Reply

JayGatsby | 25

#6371291 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 20:35

There are some people where it's hard to identify a gender and they can be interpreted as either. I believe buzzfeed has a video of people that look both genders if you want to check it out.

Reply

sturschaedel | 27

#6371323 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 21:07

Maybe it was Conchita Wurst?

Reply

Vlen_fml | 20

#6371413 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 23:07

Asian, Filipino, and Hispanic men can have very soft feminine features that will make you take a double take, and in the dark? very possible. The other races can have gender neutral looking people too obviously but i listed those because they're the more common.

By TheNiceOne | 20

#6371102 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:38

Op, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that it was probably really really dark in there at the time.

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6371133 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 18:04

Not only that, but DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!

Reply

notzax | 19

#6371382 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 22:21

Then he shouldn't be talking! Movie is starting, shhhh

Reply

Leenah_93 | 11

#6371632 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 4:54

"In his defense, it was dark & he was pretty." God, I just love chandler XD

By Norvi | 26

#6371103 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:40

If you tried that while the movie was showing, YDI.

Reply

joeyl2008 | 29

#6371319 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 20:58

I'm hoping he meant that happened during the previews (even though it sounds like it was during the actual movie which is fucked up)

Reply

Skoff_fml | 27

#6371606 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 4:15

I'm going to assume he talked during the previews, but I'd still stay ydi because being hit on at that time would still be annoying as if you're not interested you're stuck having to reject them and then sit awkwardly next to them for another 1-2 hours.

By Rented_eyebrows | 18

#6371105 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:40

She-males don't exist there is only Guys with tits! -ted

By Ben14h | 22

#6371107 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:42

The username at the top suggests that you should have been able to notice he wasn't a girl sooner

By igg125 | 30

#6371108 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:42

Maybe if you kept your eyes on the screen and not people watching in the dark you would have realized it was a guy from the beginning.

Reply

randomguy76 | 14

#6371273 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 20:27

Backwards logic....

By Anonypus | 20

#6371109 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 17:45

It's okay. Everybody is a little gay.