Confidence

Today, I was talking to my wife about my struggles with being recognized for what I do well at work, which is partially my own fault since I share credit where I can. Her response wasn't to say, "They should try to see your strong points," but to wonder if she should get a job for financial security for herself. FML

Mommy's boy

Today, after I've spent years cultivating my reputation at work as a hardass who's good to his team, as long as they're competent and own up to mistakes, my mother came as a customer and suddenly I'm a kid all over again. She even tried to pat my head and ask if I'm eating enough. Now my team all keep smirking at me. FML

Panic!

Today, during a dream job interview, my mum called and screamed, “DID YOU FIX THE TOILET YET, YOU LAZY BASTARD?” She was loud enough for the interviewer to hear her, so as he stared at me, I panicked and said, “Sorry, she's my previous employer.” FML

Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

This isn't relevant to my interests

Today, I wanted to call my mom to ask for advice but called my boss instead. I panicked and ended up talking about weekend plans like nothing was wrong. She now knows way too much about my personal life. FML

Mummy's boy

Today, for some reason, I called my boss "Mum" in a meeting. To make it worse, I panicked and followed it up with, “Can I have a raise?” Everyone laughed except my boss. FML

Bad idea

Today, I brought my mom to my work’s annual party. She insisted on meeting my boss and introduced herself as my "very supportive, overly involved mother." To make it worse, she gave him a lecture about how I was “just too shy” to ask for a raise. My boss is now both confused and terrified. FML

Breaking news

Today, I was helping my mom look for some money she'd misplaced. At my wit's end, I flipped through her diary, in case she'd hidden it between the pages as she has before. Didn't find the money, but I did find out she might well be cheating on my dad. FML

Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML