Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in...

By surefeelslikelove - 6/6/2011 16:01

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn't think of anything. FML

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Work

Dad jokes, part 43884

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Assumptions

By NotTheFavoriteChild - 3/4/2016 16:53

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

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By dickhead - 10/4/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML

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By thankyouforcalling - 1/6/2015 22:46 - United States - Bremerton

Today, the phone lines at work have been cutting out in the middle of calls. I'm a receptionist at an animal hospital. I now have less than two minutes to figure out what's wrong with a client's pet and how best to schedule them before I become "That rude bitch who hung up on me." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I saw a news story about how wearing flip-flops is dangerous. I scoffed at the ridiculous study and went about my business. Three hours later I accidentally ripped off my toenail. While wearing flip-flops. FML

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By older - 10/6/2009 08:18 - United States

Today, I was walking downtown. I'm 57 years old, and I'm pretty well along in terms of hair loss. On top of that, I recently hurt my left leg and am walking with a crutch. I passed two teenagers, who were looking at me, and I overheard "Yeah, I agree. I'm much more scared of aging than death." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:40 - United States - Greenfield

Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 08:35

Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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By Person15 - 26/11/2011 23:13 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

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By framed - 2/4/2016 12:30 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - 23/1/2009 10:16 - Philippines

Today, we received a wedding invitation from a couple who are renting an apartment from us. They haven't paid rent for several months. My father is listed as the "principal sponsor." FML

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By CarolinaD - 23/10/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, my son's teacher told me that I should take my son to the doctor, because he has been complaining of bad headaches. They ran some tests, and then removed a peanut that's apparently been lodged in his nose for months. FML

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By Mel Ancholy - 18/2/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML

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By DantesInfernalRage - 12/9/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

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By Deirbhile - 3/5/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

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By Peter Parker - 30/8/2016 23:19 - United States - Redlands

Today, after a few days of getting what seemed like an odd, scattered rash every time I showered, I finally figured out the problem. It turns out I wasn't just allergic to all the different soap I tried. Apparently a family of very angry spiders have decided to make my loofah their new home. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 22:01 - United States

Planned Parenthood

Today, I got the biggest shock in my life, I'm a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML

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By TooYoungForThis - 3/9/2019 20:00

Benjamin Button

Today, my father was helping me move into college. When we arrived, the students helping people move in mistook me for one of the parents. I’m 19. FML

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By Hunter cat - 2/11/2018 13:30

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

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By MitchRapp - 4/3/2016 22:11 - United States

Today, my brother asked me what I want for my birthday, so I said that we could just hang out. He told me I should ask for something more realistic, like a gift card. FML

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By yaa - 17/4/2020 17:00

Everyone's an expert

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2018 03:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I wanted to talk about marriage and our future with my boyfriend of over 10 years. My 30-year-old boyfriend responded by hiding under a blanket and pretending he couldn't hear me. FML

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By cockblocked - 11/5/2012 18:29 - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

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By UniGrad2019 - 26/1/2016 04:54 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, after months of all my friends telling me that the guy whom I was in love with most definitely held feelings for me, I was finally convinced by their words, and with confidence I went and confessed my feelings to him. I was rejected. FML

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By fat - 7/1/2014 12:41 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I want to start working out and get rid of my holiday weight. His response? "Okay, just don't join a gym. People will have to see you there." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2012 19:26 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I drove for hours to attend a martial arts tournament, and then I waited ages for it to finally start. I lost in less than a minute. FML

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By hatesgravity - 2/9/2010 11:40 - United States

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

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By -_- - 13/5/2015 16:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandpa told me he was going to be eating out tonight, and I asked at which restaurant. He replied "Your gran's room." and winked. I didn't need that mental image, at all. FML

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By Unfortunately Me - 9/1/2014 00:54 - United States - San Jose

Today, I was asked to go to a ball by the guy I like. The theme is masquerade. He made me a Robin mask; he's wearing a Batman mask. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:52 - United States

Today, thanks to Grand Theft Auto, I found myself seriously thinking about holding up an armored bank truck when I saw it in traffic. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

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By Melie-Melo - 16/12/2008 07:55 - United Kingdom

Today, after repairing the toilet, the light, the shower, the cooker and the heater in the flat I've just moved into, my boiler dies. It's mid December, about 1 degree outside. FML

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By NUsConstantine - 19/10/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, my research partner emails me 2 hours before our deadline saying that she can't complete her half of our 20 page report because when she woke up this morning she couldn't see. How did she write the email? FML

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By inapickle - 16/5/2012 08:20 - United States - Topsham

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 16:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 00:01 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2014 14:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He faltered and replied, "Uh, my dick does." FML

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By Wilhelm - 26/4/2016 14:47 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2016 16:58

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

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By ktin - 19/8/2010 12:02 - Australia

Today, I got wii fit, wii Mario kart and wii Mario galaxy for my birthday, I don't have a wii. FML

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Top comments

By Outsider_77 | 0

#2633063 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:06

that is why you don't ask your mother for a reference...

By ElphabaLives | 4

#2633306 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:27

I didn't know you could have a useless.

Comments

By Outsider_77 | 0

#2633063 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:06

that is why you don't ask your mother for a reference...

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2633464 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:51

Pushing and Pulling ;)

robotiick | 12

#2636900 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 12:58

^ ur wrong its yanking and smashing

By SelenaGomezOffic | 0

#2633064 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:06

hahaha that sucks

ifailplzinsultme | 0

#2633254 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:21

why are you doing JB in your pic?

volley4eva1698 | 0

#2633311 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:28

SHES A FAKE! dun dun dunnnn

LilSideTwerk | 0

#2633508 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:59

you are not the real one.

whoisthisgirl | 4

#2636551 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 10:57

Selena wouldn't wasted her time on fml. she's a busy woman!!

larry12693 | 1

#2636553 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 11:01

your a phony!!! a big phony!!!

rarrar51 | 0

#2647447 - Thursday 9 June 2011 11:01

your bf's a fruit. a really gay fruit.

By rarrar51 | 0

#2633066 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:07

you're that dependent on your mom? you really don't have two strenghs, do you?

numbers878 | 8

#2634545 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 3:48

your*

volley4eva1698 | 0

#2634560 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 3:56

he was right, but you're wrong..failure on that one
xD

itznicknoah | 0

#2635704 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:54

FAIL

hiyourcute | 0

#2635809 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 7:30

I got a cheap thrill out of being the 10th thumb down on that comment >:)

BB_ava | 0

#2637817 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:48

37, so. freaking. stupid. Some people really need to go back to first grade...

BB_ava | 0

#2637843 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:51

*36

Bobissmall | 13

#2639429 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 23:53

#55, you say you are a grammar Nazi yet you don't capitalize correctly?

By ifailplzinsultme | 0

#2633072 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:07

writing on FML could be one....but still FYL

By GigaPudding_fml | 24

#2633097 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

You should put... Breathtaking and mindblowing, you have to turn that blank mind into something positive :)

By bitterfaceplant | 0

#2633130 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:10

Your useless, and your mom knows it.

ElphabaLives | 4

#2633306 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:27

I didn't know you could have a useless.

sxe_beast | 11

#2633545 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:05

I want a useless. Where can have I get one?

GuessWhatKids | 13

#2634801 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:22

Where you can get have one at Walmart.

Carpy | 8

#2636302 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:40

43 - Win lmfao xD

By PSQ91 | 6

#2633148 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:12

She probably didn't want you to get upset by saying you don't have one.

By MrXerxes5 | 6

#2633169 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:14

Lol. OP got fucked over.

By eminemchick | 19

#2633201 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:15

just put strength 1 and strength 2. works for me:-)

By perdix | 29

#2633334 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:31

For most girls, it would be Left Tit and Right Tit.

I guess you can always volunteer for the IBTC.

spazmattic | 0

#2633718 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:32

Itty Bitty Titties need love too