Today, I was fired from a managerial position I've held for two...

By mjohnston - 27/3/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, I was fired from a managerial position I've held for two years due to "inappropriate relations with a subordinate": I was dating a coworker. My girlfriend then broke up with me four hours later. Because I no longer had a job. I hired her. FML

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Work

Understandable

Insane parents

Everyone's an expert

By Anonymous - 26/1/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I was denied food stamp assistance. Apparently, you need to work 20 hours a week while being a full time student to qualify or have a work study. I was recently suspended from my work study for calling off because my aunt died, and if I worked 20 hours a week, why would I need food stamps? FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 04:54 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML

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By Bec - 25/7/2011 14:10 - Australia

Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML

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By whyyjustwhy - 9/8/2013 17:23 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, I copied some files to my phone while borrowing my grandfather's laptop. As I selectively deleted the files from the recycle bin, I noticed some pictures, and ended up seeing way more than I wanted to of his erect penis. FML

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By plaid_is_cool - 5/5/2020 05:00

Open-minded

Today, my mom called me and asked me to fix her computer, three days after saying she never wanted to see me again for dating a boy. I got lectured to on how I'm ruining my life the whole time. FML

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By workworkwork - 26/11/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2012 20:59 - United Kingdom - Croydon

Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML

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By Unknown - 9/2/2010 05:50 - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2013 20:36 - United States - Montgomery Village

Today, my sister was crying to me about how her boyfriend never showed up for their date. He's done this many times before, so I suggested the fact that maybe he'd just ditched her. She said that was ridiculous, because "he's Canadian" and according to her, "they don't lie." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 13:03 - New Zealand

Today, I decided I had gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

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By hello higher premiums, fuckwad - 25/8/2013 16:23 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

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By TheKunitzShow14 - 10/8/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

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By Oh dear... - 20/2/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML

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By bad karma - 21/11/2011 14:34 - United States

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

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By so pray to ariel about it, dipshits - 30/11/2012 19:29 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, two of my friends condemned me for being "narrow-minded", because I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would believe mermaids actually exist. FML

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By Ohfman117 - 11/8/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML

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By CollegeChef - 21/1/2013 06:03 - Australia

Today, months into supporting my mum with her part time cleaning job by cooking dinner for my large family after university, I found out that she doesn't actually have a job, she just leaves the house for a few hours because she doesn't want to cook dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 07:19 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

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By Payt - 19/11/2018 22:00

Today, the guy I have been seeing for 3 months said, "Sorry this isn’t going anywhere, but I want to stay friends because I wanna come back and hang out with your parents." He literally only stayed with me because I live on a farm. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 11:24 - Australia

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 20:36 - Jordan - Amman

Today, my 12-year-old son played QWOP on my laptop. Half an hour later, he virtually destroyed it in a fit of rage. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going to propose. Since he was really nervous, he decided to have a couple of drinks to loosen up. He ended up throwing up and passing out before he could get down on one knee. FML

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By Queenie - 26/12/2018 14:00

Today, my work's annual Christmas party is at 3:00. Everyone in the office is off work at 2:00, except me and the boss who is staying 'til 4:00. I have been informed the boss is leaving early today to attend the Christmas party, but I need to lock up when I leave at 4:00. FML

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By Johannes_712 - 5/7/2019 12:00

Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 02:17 - United States - Akron

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

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By momma6126 - 25/8/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law is house hunting in my town. There is a house for sale 2 doors down from me. In her price range. FML

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By ouch - 9/8/2009 01:56 - Brazil

Today, while entering the building I live in, I walked into my neighbor who winked at me and said last night must have been great. After I asked why, he said he could hear my girlfriend moaning and screaming, and that I must be pretty good at it. I was just coming back from a week overseas. FML

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By assassinmaster - 4/5/2017 04:00

Today, I saw a kid taking a dump next to my lawn. The good news: his mother picked up the poop to discard it. The bad news: she put it in my mailbox. I now have a pile of smelly brownish tissue-wrapped goo baking under the hot sun inside my mailbox. FML

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By Laura - 27/5/2014 15:58 - United States

Today, at school, I got seated in front of the resident creepy kid that everyone stayed away from. I was pretty relieved to get through most of the class with no incidents, until the bell rang and he tore out a chunk of my hair, yelling "DNA! DNA!" FML

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By ringhider - 8/10/2010 16:55 - France

Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

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By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - 16/8/2015 16:18 - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

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By Lee - 21/6/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

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By nevergonnatrust - 18/11/2010 09:23

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

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By BeerSlut - 2/9/2015 21:37 - Portugal - Santa Marta De Penagui?o

Today, my mother called me a slut and unladylike because I prefer beer instead of wine. Apparently, beer's only for "unladylike sluts". FML

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By Danielle - 10/6/2012 19:19 - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, it's day two of my family's camping trip. Despite the weather, bugs, and portapotties, we were doing okay, until the can opener broke. My husband is stubbornly insisting that we live off cereal and peanut butter for another five days. FML

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By speechless - 1/6/2013 00:50 - United Kingdom - Wallasey

Today, at the supermarket, an old lady asked for directions to the produce aisle. Having read way too many stories lately on this very site about awful elderly folks, I was wary, but helped her out. She gave me an awkward hug in thanks, lifting my wallet in the process, as I later found out. FML

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By paaaallllmmmssss - 26/9/2015 03:40 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

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By This sucks - 11/10/2017 04:30

Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML

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By alicia75 - 26/3/2014 23:45 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

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By dukemisery - 12/12/2016 09:33 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

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Top comments

By cthulhu1138 | 1

#63036 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:22

Now you know never to date a coworker, much less a subordinate. If you manage to find another job in this economy, think with your head, not your dick.

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#63020 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:12

fired and dumped in the same day? that sucks man, and since she's the reason you got fired and she acted like that, then i say good riddance to you.

COMMENTS

By marz88 | 0

#62986 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:03

first

By corey_kelly | 0

#62989 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:04

yeah man, you got screwed

22cute | 17

#4487245 - Sunday 27 May 2012 11:21

He totally did it to himself!!

By piderman13 | 0

#63004 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:08

your fault dipshit!!!! and shes a shallow whore and you shoulda seen that

By llSgtScopell | 0

#63016 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:11

Never date co workers. Nothing ever comes good from it...

Especially if they are ranked lower, thats a possible law suit.

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#63020 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:12

fired and dumped in the same day? that sucks man, and since she's the reason you got fired and she acted like that, then i say good riddance to you.

By boner | 0

#63022 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:13

Great time to mix biz with pleasure ...

TheCLANNAD | 0

#968986 - Saturday 27 March 2010 5:34

i would do it=)

By amirn86 | 0

#63033 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:20

What a bitch! That's rough man, the company was probably looking for a way to make cuts anyway with the way the economy's been

By cthulhu1138 | 1

#63036 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:22

Now you know never to date a coworker, much less a subordinate. If you manage to find another job in this economy, think with your head, not your dick.

By aego56 | 0

#63046 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:24

Guys - learn to read. He NEVER DATED A COWORKER. He WAS dating his girlfriend, and then he hired her. When they found out they fired him, and she dumped him because of that.

By Tucatz | 0

#63050 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:25

Never, never, NEVER, fuck a co-worker, much less a subordinate.

Learn from this.