Today, I had a one night stand. While lying next to him afterwards,...

By Anonymous - 29/9/2018 22:00 - Denmark

Today, I had a one night stand. While lying next to him afterwards, he nervously said, "Listen, I, uh... I bought this when I was drunk." I wasn't really sure what he referred to until I realized: the bed sheets. The Twilight bed sheets. FML

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Intimacy

Geek

Understandable

Healthy relationship

Workaholic

By Shocked - 17/7/2009 19:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By bannana0zoom - 3/3/2012 08:06 - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML

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By yeah... - 22/1/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend who I am still in love with sends me a text message that says "I miss you, baby". It turns out my name comes right after his girlfriend's name on his contact list. FML

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By G. Briones - 23/11/2011 19:14

Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML

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By sweet pea - 22/9/2016 21:48 - Canada - Red Lake

Today, my mom told me she wouldn't be able to leave my middle-aged brother at home for Christmas in order to meet her first grandchild. FML

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By anonymous - 28/12/2011 18:03 - Canada

Today, while driving home from basketball practice, I noticed an old lady struggling to get up from a fall. I stopped to help her up and make sure she was fine, and in the meantime, a teenager decided to hop into my car and crash it into a telephone pole and run away. FML

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By ohmy. - 27/12/2011 17:52 - United States

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 23:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that if I was caught yawning again, I'd be fired. FML

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By crazycatwaiter - 22/6/2020 23:06

Trip Advisor says no

Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

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By Spraylady - 29/2/2016 21:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

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By fuck no - 22/8/2015 10:18 - India - Kollam

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

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By babyblues - 20/11/2012 19:45 - United States - Woodhaven

Today, this guy I've been dating for a few months freaked out and called his mom crying, because I told him I might be pregnant with his baby. He is 27. I didn't even take a pregnancy test yet. FML

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By bananayellowteeth - 3/5/2009 08:37 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2019 04:00

Today, I bought some new led under glow lights for underneath my car. I was putting them on when my dad came out, insisted on taking over, and then proceeded to break them. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 16:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML

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By ahh - 28/12/2010 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, the last person I invited to my birthday party called and said they couldn't come because another party "came up" and they "hope I understand". It's on December 31st. This happens every year without fail. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 15:20 - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

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By sucks - 5/1/2011 07:41 - Netherlands

Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

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By confused_lemon - 4/6/2019 00:00

Should be interesting at the office tomorrow…

Today, I got thrown out by a guy I really like, with the words "Can you leave me the fuck alone, please?" I took my stuff and left as quickly as I could, just to fall down the stairs on his doorway and twist my ankle really bad. He's someone from work as well. FML

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By Anonymus - 31/1/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2012 10:43 - United States

Today, my mom decided to wake me up by pouring ice cold water on my face. Again. FML

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By anonymous - 28/12/2011 08:14 - United States

Today, my 9 month old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

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By jobsearching - 21/11/2012 20:43 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I ran into my boss outside of work. She smiled, and started trying to have an in-depth chat with me. I wouldn't have minded, if it weren't for the fact I ran into her at a club, whilst they were having an S and M theme night. And we were both fully dressed up for it. FML

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By TronCat8230 - 20/5/2017 12:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

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By aqua88 - 5/11/2009 15:26 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

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By yanksbitethebig1 - 16/3/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, I heard back from my store management interview at Target. I was offered an overnight stock clerk position. When I called HR to find out if my application was in the wrong file I was told I lack the leadership qualities necessary for Target. I graduated with honors from a military school. FML

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By piratequeen - 7/8/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML

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By Dsark - 19/2/2014 05:12 - United States - San Diego

Today, during a lecture, my teacher jokingly talked about the time he was best buds with George Washington. Another student then asked, "Really? You knew him?" I'm in an advanced placement U.S. history class. FML

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By shewhopoopsinlitterboxes - 25/7/2014 15:54 - United States - Downingtown

Today, there are people working in my bathroom. I have the shits. The only place I could think to go was in my cats litter box. I've used it twice and am now contemplating using it a third time. FML

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By broke_kid - 3/1/2010 13:18 - United States

Today, I noticed white stuff in my colored clothes as I transferred them from the washer to the dryer. That's when I realized that the white stuff is my paycheck which I had put in my pants earlier. FML

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By suze44 - 13/6/2011 14:22 - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

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By Well this Is Awkward - 17/12/2013 20:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend gave me his theory on how the world would be a better place if Hitler had won the 2nd World War. FML

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By AlexSnower - 12/4/2020 02:00

Mismatched

Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

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By bad friend - 22/10/2019 05:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Hissy fit incoming!

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 10:41 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I have an ear infection. The pain from it radiates from my ear all the way down the left side of my face, so my doctor prescribed me something that makes half of my face numb and pretty much unusable. Tomorrow, I have to give a presentation on strokes for my med class. Go figure. FML

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By Creepedout - 25/6/2013 01:27 - United States - Clearwater

Today, I walked in on my dad's poker game. He didn't know I was there, and was telling his friends what he would do to my girlfriend if I wasn't dating her. FML

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By nobieb - 20/8/2013 16:28 - Canada - Welland

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

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By vcarder - 26/9/2009 08:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my friends were all talking about the first time they bought condoms. I can still remember the first time I bought them; in fact they are unopened and expired in my bedside table. FML

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By jack - 8/10/2012 18:36 - United States - Mcnabb

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months got mad at me because I thought she was attractive. She has an identical twin, and she says if I think she's attractive, I must want her twin too. FML

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By Good sister - 13/10/2011 23:20 - United States

Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML

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Top comments

By Jason Thomas McConnell | 11

#7696427 - Thursday 20 September 2018 12:34

sex is sex. Doesn't really matter whats the pattern on the sheets your doing the deed on.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7696286 - Thursday 20 September 2018 8:37

What's his excuse for still having them? And I really hope he wrapped up, because no one wants to find out they were conceived in a bed covered with Twilight sheets.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7696286 - Thursday 20 September 2018 8:37

What's his excuse for still having them? And I really hope he wrapped up, because no one wants to find out they were conceived in a bed covered with Twilight sheets.

By Jason Thomas McConnell | 11

#7696427 - Thursday 20 September 2018 12:34

sex is sex. Doesn't really matter whats the pattern on the sheets your doing the deed on.

By Davros | 12

#7701433 - Saturday 29 September 2018 23:19

At least it wasn't My Little Pony or Anime.

By Phillycheeze | 20

#7701436 - Saturday 29 September 2018 23:22

I have Twister bed sheets...... poo poo happens

By real life problems | 26

#7701460 - Sunday 30 September 2018 0:30

Still a better love story than Twilight.

By ohsnapword | 21

#7701461 - Sunday 30 September 2018 0:32

So, was he Team Edward or Team Jacob?

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7701921 - Sunday 30 September 2018 16:50

Okay, that's totally funny and maybe a bit cringeworthy.

By princess_stabitty | 17

#7701935 - Sunday 30 September 2018 17:18

Makes me wonder what's more cringe worthy - that he bought those sheets while drunk, or actually used them while sober xD Anyway, when you already spent money on this crap, you may just as well use them xD

LOL.

By Dave Ninjutsu Landon | 1

#7702044 - Sunday 30 September 2018 20:16

Moot point. People in Denmark are always drunk :)

By Justin Allan Bannister | 9

#7702078 - Sunday 30 September 2018 21:19

if it was body pics of Jacob.... you might want to leave the city/town