Transportation: Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes...

By last time I drive stoned - 08/12/2012 17:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes before I finally realised that not only was I looking at the wrong traffic light, it was also broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 397

You deserved it 25 867

Transportation

Dysfunctional

Stop talking!

Weird reason to leave, but OK

By Anonymous - 11/03/2014 22:27 - United States - Remus

Today, my sister brought me coffee to my office. It was really nice so I made a status about it on Facebook. My boyfriend texted me soon after, freaking out because I never put anything on Facebook about him and how great he is. I'm basically dating a 14-year-old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 444

You deserved it 7 175

By pervert - 09/01/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 499

You deserved it 28 628

By beaten - 13/09/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 271

You deserved it 14 101

By roadkill - 28/02/2011 15:50 - United States

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 214

You deserved it 2 818

Does this smell weird?

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 15:05 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I found out that the shampoo I’ve been using has yogurt in, following a prank my boyfriend did. Turns out he forgot about it and I’ve been using it for 5 days now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 108

By vicious circle - 22/12/2015 13:08 - Sint Maarten (Dutch part)

Today, I called the HR department of a big company, inquiring about a vacancy for a website designer. Boy, do they need one; there are dead links, malware warnings, and a layout from the '90s, but no info at all about recruitment. The lady just angrily referred me to the website and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 545

You deserved it 1 670

By MadWorld - 28/08/2016 17:49

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 517

You deserved it 1 264

By wtfdad - 16/11/2014 05:29 - United States - Little Silver

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 140

You deserved it 4 220

Long drive home

By Anonymous - 01/06/2021 04:01 - Australia - Kellyville

Today, at work, I shat myself at my desk thinking it was a fart. I had to waddle down to the parking garage and drive myself home. I’m a grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 343

By Anonymous - 21/05/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 562

You deserved it 5 223

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 16:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 529

You deserved it 7 980

By dontpeeonmenxtime - 29/12/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to slight memory of my boyfriend leaving for work an hour earlier than originally planned due to "excessive sweat" in my bed. When I removed my sheets and took in a deep whiff, my olfactory receptors instantly knew that his so called "sweat" was actually his urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 950

You deserved it 3 024

What happens in the woods stays in the woods

By sulfuric_acid - 10/08/2021 06:01 - Canada

Today, on Facebook, I noticed my friend had posted a picture entitled, "Does a bear shit in the woods?" Curious, I checked it out and discovered that while on our hunting trip, my friends took a picture of me, pants around my ankles, leaned up against a tree taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 149

Hi uncle, I'm dad

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 00:30

Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 841

You deserved it 55

By ontherun2012 - 14/02/2012 04:22 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 976

You deserved it 7 850

By FlyAwayPlease - 25/08/2015 22:38 - United Kingdom - Mold

Today, the boy that I met online six months ago and expressed my love to sent me a picture of himself and confessed how old he really was: thirteen. I'm eighteen years old and holding a steady job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 170

You deserved it 8 241

By suzyyy - 23/02/2011 09:18 - Netherlands

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 993

You deserved it 28 239

By Lovestupid - 03/11/2009 09:25 - Australia

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 989

You deserved it 29 020

By welly223 - 20/01/2011 06:01 - Canada

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 060

You deserved it 3 271

By Anonymous - 16/06/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 249

You deserved it 3 146

Is this Brexit?

By Anonymous - 05/09/2019 05:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, in the same sentence, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me," and "I want to break up with you because I can't face your family." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 714

You deserved it 135

By Anonymous - 04/07/2009 20:21 - United States

Today, after spending two days cleaning my car inside and out, I had to pick up my brother when his truck died in the mountains, on a dirt road. He was drunk. I now have a car covered in mud and filled with vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 382

You deserved it 3 125

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 20:46 - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 175

You deserved it 3 038

By kermudgen - 06/12/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I was directing a video shoot of a big Christmas show with 750 people attending. After the first half of the show recorded; during intermission, I accidentally deleted the show as people were signing up to buy the DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 109

You deserved it 16 888

By princess - 07/12/2015 14:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 3 year old daughter's Halloween costume finally got delivered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 933

You deserved it 2 077

By Anonymous - 23/08/2019 00:01

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 184

By anonymous - 04/09/2014 01:31 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 095

You deserved it 4 084

By WTF. - 03/08/2019 20:00

Today, I was interviewed by a WalMart employee for a position in their pharmacy. I didn't get the job. I was more qualified than the woman who gave me the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 308

Smell test

By Anonymous - 27/09/2021 10:59

Today, I went on a date with a guy from Bumble. It was going well, with dinner and a walk on the waterfront, until he started complaining about skincare products, "People with eczema use that nasty cream, it's so sticky and smells horrible." I have severe eczema. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 64

Have a good one!

By suuuuuupucci - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 128

You deserved it 3 476

By Sadasian - 14/08/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, my mom and dad were arguing. It started getting really heated, so I tried to go break it up. But within a couple of minutes, my mom wanted to make a statement by throwing a plate to the ground, forgetting I was beside her. I now have a throbbing foot with shards of glass in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 079

You deserved it 4 084

By Chubby - 07/05/2015 11:01 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, my grandmother came to visit and asked me, "Did you change your hair, or are you just fatter now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 018

You deserved it 3 009

By anon - 03/02/2015 07:50 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 767

You deserved it 32 829

By Anonymous - 01/12/2013 06:07 - United States

Today, I reduced my psychologist to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 244

You deserved it 4 390

Bad Day for a Good Boy

By Dakota - 28/09/2017 04:30

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 852

You deserved it 887

By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 10:06 - United States - Rockford

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text message saying "It's over!". I sent him maybe a thousand texts saying "Why?", "What do you mean?!" After an hour of crying and whatnot, I realized he had driver's education today and that he was saying the class was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 944

You deserved it 48 920

By TheStudentNurse - 18/11/2016 00:07

Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 770

You deserved it 597

By Anonymous - 06/07/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I found out I'm being evicted from my apartment on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 855

You deserved it 18 284

By catgiraffegirl - 23/09/2014 18:30 - United States

Today, I had to inform my roommate that dry shampoo, deodorant, and perfume are not the same as a shower. It's been two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 883

You deserved it 2 928

By LilaTheGreat - 05/05/2013 23:51 - United States - Boyd

Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 491

You deserved it 44 124

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Top comments

Iniezian 18

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:12

Your name screams YDI.

VonGore 6

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:08

If the road was empty, I wouldn't have waited more than 2 minutes to just run it.

VonGore 6

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:08

If the road was empty, I wouldn't have waited more than 2 minutes to just run it.

VonGore 6

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:11

Actually, according to your username, you deserve it. lol

X_Codes 11

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Sunday 9 December 2012 4:42

It's legal in some places to drive through a red light if there's obviously no cross-traffic. Usually in counties with those odd lights that look like they're in the middle of nowhere for no reason.

RadikulRam 16

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Sunday 9 December 2012 6:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

n3rd43v3r 10

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Sunday 9 December 2012 7:49

If the road was full, why didn't anyone honk? I'm sure he would've gotten it

mizuki123 8

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Sunday 9 December 2012 22:11

It clearly says in the fml that the road was empty..

girlygeek004 8

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:09

How do you look at the wrong light?

jtthegr8 26

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Sunday 9 December 2012 18:40

Some lights have five lanes so there's an extra small one just for that

BAMF223 4

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Monday 10 December 2012 6:51

Look at OP's username...

laurenlovesjb 20

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:11

Are you sure you passed your driving test?

windfuelsfire 10

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:19

His evaluator was probably high off his rockers

white16sox 19

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:42

Actually, based on OP's username I'm saying he was the high one.

lilhellian 26

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:53

Well that one drove right by 19..

Iniezian 18

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:12

Your name screams YDI.

gc327072 30

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Sunday 9 December 2012 4:17

"But I would not feel so all alooooone...."

399 41

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Wednesday 11 May 2016 16:26

Sure does #5.

crazytwinsmom 25

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:12

All explained by OP's user name.

KelseyDaBoyz 21

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:13

Maybe next time don't drive stoned...?

monstersocks 5

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Sunday 9 December 2012 6:41

according to the username it will be

verkaderk 9

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:15

That's some good shit right there

lukemack 4

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:16

You live you learn

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:16

Just to let you know OP Stop signs don't change to green. And they aren't broken that's just the way they are.

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:27

A metal sign.

Axipiter 24

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:54

Who said anything about signs?

Trai 6

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Sunday 9 December 2012 5:06

You haven't learned much in your 28 years..

onlychildFTW 33

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Sunday 9 December 2012 10:52

What about those old stop signs that like up???

LowLives 9

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Sunday 9 December 2012 16:06

Lol I thought the same thing when I read this

windfuelsfire 10

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Sunday 9 December 2012 3:17

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

kwyk 23

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Sunday 9 December 2012 7:01

Yes, look at them go...

windfuelsfire 10

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Sunday 9 December 2012 16:57

Hahaha :D I saw like 3 other ppl mention he's stoned, which inspired me.. Didn't get downrated as hardcore as I'd have thought

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 51

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 239

You deserved it 26

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 88

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