Transportation: Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman...

By prettyinpurple - United States

Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman for running into me, I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving away, I was staring her down when I ended up rear ending the person in front of me. FML

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Transportation

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Munchausen by proxy

By thatonegirl.SBS. - United States - El Cajon

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

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By auslander - Switzerland

Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy. FML

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By madisonnkelly - United States - Dallas

Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML

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By hospital - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

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By Poopie - Canada

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cousin told me that the stop signs outlined with a white line were optional. Later, a cop pulled me over, when I asked why he said, "You ran that stop sign back there." I explained what my cousin had told me and he looked at me funny and replied, "All stop signs have a white outline." FML

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By myanmarkaviar - Norway - Fl?

Today, at work, I served a customer who looked so much like my grandma that I thought it actually was her. Then I remembered she died 6 months ago. I had to serve customers with a smile on my face while choking back tears for the rest of the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 20:06 - United States - Orange

For the union makes us strong

Today, I found out that the owner of my workplace hasn't been paying any of the bills and that all 10 people on my crew and I will be losing our jobs in a matter of days. FML

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By gamergirlfriend - United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. I noticed that he had added a signature onto his texts that had the date 11/10/09. At first, I blushed and thought it was the date we had become a couple. But then I realized it was just the day the new Call of Duty game comes out. Love you too. FML

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By michellenKG - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML

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By deserved - United States

Today, after feeling fat and ugly and a bit depressed, I logged on to Facebook to see my boyfriend had posted "I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world!" I 'liked' it and commented "Aww thank you baby!" I logged in later to see that he commented back saying "I didn't mean you." FML

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By emmmbo - Australia

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes, mine said no. FML

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By yikes78 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident I blurted out "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML

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By lostbandana - United States

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lakeland

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

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By LizzyJones - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

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By twnty1 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

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By Joel_28 - Canada

Today, I went to the physician to check my rear because it was hurting. My usual doctor wasn't available, so he was replaced by a gorgeous woman with big cleavage. when she asked me to pull down my pants, she saw that I had a huge hard on. FML

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By fingerfuckd - Canada

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

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By airrinw_33 - United States - Greenwood

Today, my boyfriend's mom bought us matching purity rings. FML

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By Pooperscooper - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

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By bacon lovers worst nightmare - United States - San Diego

Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML

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33035

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By coolhand - United States

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

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By Earlybird76 - Canada - Richmond

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

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By Bobby The Baker

Today, a cockroach flew towards me, and out of panic I dropped my car keys in the sewer. Not only did I lose my keys, but the cake I made for a client is stuck inside the car. It's for a wedding, and they're arriving in the reception area in a few minutes. FML

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By I need cuddles

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

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By errrmkl46 - United States

Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML

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By nick - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

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By representative

Today, I was let go without warning at work. Why? Because my boss saw some comments I'd posted. Nothing I'd said was offensive or controversial, but he said he didn't care, because he didn't agree with it and didn't want me to "smear" the company name. I represent the company? I just serve coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

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By Rae - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

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By chappedchap - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, we were notified that our office will be relocated. Employees can tag along but their wages will not be adjusted accordingly. The cost of living at the new place is way higher. I have to finish my contract and really can't afford to not have a job right now. FML

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By LordCrafte - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

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By cuppincake - Australia

Today, I decided to tell my husband our marriage was over after I found out that he'd not only been stealing from me, but he'd also been downloading child porn. He then asked if we could break up but live in the same house so I could help pay his bills. FML

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By unaware - United States - Columbus

Today, I spent ten minutes looking for my cell phone in the dark, only to realize the light I was using was my cell phone's. FML

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By datingmrpicky - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML

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Top comments

By arms_akimbo | 0

#1068 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 16:39

Eyes on the road, numb nuts.

By sforward09 | 0

#75593 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 23:33

dude you dont just get in an accident and then get into another one...

pay the fuck atttention

COMMENTS

By Amkii | 0

#1025 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 8:40

Maybe he meant after he exchanged info, called the cops, called the insurance companies, etc. lol. Either way, this is one of my favs!

By greenman_fml | 0

#1061 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 15:47

Double duty! I think I saw you on Cops

By arms_akimbo | 0

#1068 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 16:39

Eyes on the road, numb nuts.

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#1147 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 0:41

Real smooth, guy.

By Delinas | 0

#1212 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 3:51

aahh karma.

By Matisse_fml | 0

#1238 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 5:12

Now your face is just as banged up as your ass.

By greenearth | 0

#63993 - Saturday 28 March 2009 3:21

um, yeah, you can't just leave an accident ... lol

By sforward09 | 0

#75593 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 23:33

dude you dont just get in an accident and then get into another one...

pay the fuck atttention

By christopherlove | 0

#139038 - Friday 24 April 2009 10:22

Stop calling her "dude." This was obviously a woman.

greenmonxster | 0

#350604 - Monday 29 June 2009 0:57

hahahaha hey im a girl and i can drive

Fop | 6

#415744 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 10:43

Idiot. There's no actual difference in a male person's initial driving skills as compared to a female's. It comes down to interest, and men are generally more interested in cars than women.

cenbej6 | 4

#4880434 - Friday 31 August 2012 9:51

Op's username is prettyinpurple....

Incitus | 9

#5734324 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 20:29

Technically speaking, men and women have different natural motor skill, although typically better fine motor skills are found in women. This is typically displayed in handwriting and drawing.

spinn360 | 1

#6163562 - Monday 5 January 2015 13:39

Dude, I totally agree!

By Dorchester | 0

#238235 - Thursday 28 May 2009 3:31

thats what you get for tryna be a tough guy