Health: Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy...

By Anonymous - 28/05/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 193

You deserved it 3 417

Health

Another great day to be alive

Compromises

That's a hard no, Patricia

By denied - 26/03/2009 23:49 - United States

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 608

You deserved it 5 100

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 16:44 - France

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 491

You deserved it 4 069

Unreasonable

By fml9124 - 10/07/2020 08:01

Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 374

You deserved it 80

Spay and neuter, people!

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 18:00

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 759

You deserved it 170

By OnlyMee - 09/07/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, at my ex's wedding, I had to listen to his joyful recounting of how he met his bride and how they fell instantly in love and he knew she was perfect for him. All this happened while we were still dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 810

You deserved it 9 939

By rs - 30/06/2012 18:36 - Egypt

Today, after watching Hulk with my friends, we spent a good half hour discussing exactly how enlarged Bruce Banner's package would be in his Hulk state. I couldn't hide my excitement, and now my friends won't stop teasing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 516

You deserved it 25 304

By Anonymous - 09/12/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 547

You deserved it 3 538

Ad break

By Remy - 17/06/2021 16:01

Today, I had the brilliant idea of scanning my PC in the afternoon, because Malwarebytes told me I might have malware and it's been running hot and slow lately. Five and a half hours later, the scan is 1.3% complete. FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 148

By deflower - 22/01/2013 08:09 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my mother burst into tears and hysterics when she found out my fiancée and I were not "pure" for our upcoming wedding. I'm 28, she's 27, and we've lived together for four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 642

You deserved it 5 016

By The_Black_Jesus - 31/03/2013 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 273

You deserved it 5 222

By Anonymous - 17/12/2011 07:47

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 656

You deserved it 3 876

By lucywatson - 06/05/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a veterinarian, I received a complaint from a client. He said I sucked at my job, purely because I implied he should have brought his severely ill cat in a lot sooner. Which he should have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 277

You deserved it 864

By Anonymous - 05/01/2010 07:16 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 947

You deserved it 3 805

By fuck fof and die dad - 20/11/2014 19:48 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 435

You deserved it 9 393

By keifer13 - 03/06/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 604

You deserved it 56 135

By anonymous - 18/07/2013 13:53 - United States - Woburn

Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 331

You deserved it 6 862

By Anonymous - 04/03/2010 00:36 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 590

You deserved it 3 082

By Anonymous - 08/03/2014 01:16 - United States - Newton Center

Today, my 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building. The whole building now smells like urine. The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict. He wants answers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 485

You deserved it 6 881

By Dogless - 21/08/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 487

You deserved it 2 599

By notgoodwitholdpeople - 23/05/2014 16:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, an old lady fell in the street, and I rushed to help her. As I tried to help her to her feet, she started screaming, "She pushed me! She pushed me!" I froze up in shock, and ended up being chased by some guy who thought I'd attacked her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 735

You deserved it 3 099

It's frostbite time!

By Freezing - 24/03/2020 05:06

Today, the whole upstairs was so cold that I had to wear mittens inside. When I asked my parents why it was so cold, they replied that to save money, they had decided not to heat the upstairs, since "nobody is ever up there, anyway." My bedroom is upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 618

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 02/12/2009 23:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 414

You deserved it 4 995

AT&Twat

By Anonymous - 18/09/2020 20:02

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his best friend that the only reason he likes to sleep over at my house is for the sex and the fast internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 332

You deserved it 224

By Fattie - 09/07/2009 17:50 - Malaysia

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 172

You deserved it 14 204

In the way

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 05:00 - Germany - Neusalza-spremberg

Today, I was on a camping trip, just about to pitch my tent, when the fire brigade showed up. No, I did not set anything ablaze. This nice, quiet little meadow I picked to spend the night? It’s their habitual training ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 178

By Biggest Jerk - 14/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 778

You deserved it 38 435

Scammers gonna scam

By CrystalsDontWork - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - El Paso

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer, as well as a soothsayer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 161

You deserved it 2 807

By passedout - 14/07/2017 05:00

Today, I got my blood drawn for a donation and they didn't warn me that I was borderline anemic. I passed out in the middle of Walgreens and woke up to people just standing there, staring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 517

You deserved it 463

Chill out, Bugs

By trex_life - 14/03/2021 20:00

Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 579

You deserved it 482

By squishylog - 12/08/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 823

You deserved it 7 076

By anonymous - 16/01/2012 19:55 - United States

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 225

You deserved it 9 220

Man child, part 2

By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Today, I was told I'm lazy by my boyfriend because I skipped work. He skips his all the time and when I get home still have to cook and clean up after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 262

By crucets - 06/10/2010 04:37 - United States

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 165

You deserved it 57 241

By jruth7 - 15/05/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 840

You deserved it 3 655

By stanDman - 21/01/2009 20:06 - Canada

Today, I sprayed hair spray under my arms instead of anti-perspirant. I didn't realize it until I went to put my shirt on and couldn't raise my arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 023

You deserved it 10 914

By MisterSeth - 17/06/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 888

You deserved it 79 558

A rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 16:02

Today, I got back from a camping trip after being homesick for 3 weeks. I couldn't remember why I had wanted to be away from my family for so long when I signed up for it. When I got home, I remembered. Everyone in my family hates each other. I want to go back to the camping site. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 406

You deserved it 232

By Anonymous - 11/07/2015 01:23 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 758

You deserved it 2 081

By Ants everywhere but my pants - 19/05/2016 02:35 - United States - Sun City Center

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 039

You deserved it 1 519

By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 02:12 - Canada

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 916

You deserved it 17 573

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Top comments

um_duh 0

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:22

What a shitty day eh?

lololol111 0

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:45

11 and 12, psychology is a completely different field then psychiatry

mattsprettycool 0

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:15

hahahahaha, sucks to be you!

pedosmurf 7

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Thursday 25 October 2012 4:02

Shit happens! :)

boatiebanter 0

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:17

Well, you did decide to go into that field of psychiatry... Still sucks though :(

um_duh 0

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:22

What a shitty day eh?

chaos753159 4

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Sunday 24 January 2010 10:54

not as shitty as those bags

trivel64 16

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Monday 20 February 2012 4:05

*ba dum tsss*

sunshyne84_fml 0

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:23

#1 how do u know where they're from? What makes u think all Americans use the same word? fyl

Zapurdead 0

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Saturday 18 July 2009 15:07

Look at the small gray text under the FML: "United States (New York)"

fuckmeamiright 0

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:26

#1 what the fuck man? where you're from every single person uses the same word for everything? that sucks. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit oh weird i must not be american.

NonComedogenic 2

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Wednesday 8 June 2011 21:56

agreed I hate it when one person makes a generalization off of one occurrence

Darth_Taco 14

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:26

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!!! If I knew you I'd probably hug you to make you feel better. After you shower about 30 times, of course (I'm paranoid about bacteria). Still, ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!!!

Juggalette_623 9

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:29

Here is one of those FML's that needs a little more info before you say FYL or YDI. Are you one of those bitchy nurses that completely pisses off your patients? If so YDI. OR Are you one of those nurses that deals with the patients after the first nurse (that acts like the first one described) leaves the room? If so FYL.

um_duh 0

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:31

#9 Noone deserves shit thrown at them. NOONE!

RitzyHoke 0

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Thursday 28 May 2009 12:38

#10 please split noone into no one yeah? noone sounds like a typo of none. Anyway, And I thought I wanted to studying psychology. Oh well, next choice.

OhHushDear 11

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Thursday 19 January 2012 6:03

Dude. You corrected their mistake and then totally killed the sentence after that. "I thought I wanted to studying psychology?" Lol learn the language before you gripe at other people for typos.