Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy...

By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

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Health

Tidy your room

Gratitude walks

Noise

By CoyoteOldOne - 12/9/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

DIY decoration tips

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

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By notakeeper - 3/1/2014 03:50 - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, to save money, I wanted to fix my own leaky roof instead of hiring someone. When I got on the roof, the ladder fell. As it was falling, it broke three windows and snagged the siding of my house ripping over half of it off. FML

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By noooo - 8/8/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

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By NotAGoodStart - 7/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, my little 7 year old brother asked me what horny meant whilst in the car with my parents. When I wouldn't tell him what it meant he screamed, "I'm getting horny!" at the top of his lungs, and told my parents that I told him to say it. FML

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By welp - 28/10/2015 04:11 - United States - Belton

Today, I was making a homemade pizza for myself. I've been unhappy lately, so I arranged the pepperoni in the shape of a smiley face to cheer myself up. The pizza burned. FML

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By Oops - 23/5/2010 09:21 - Australia

Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML

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By sucked_in - 23/7/2015 02:32 - Australia - Perth

Today, whilst vacuuming, I stupidly decided to vacuum the bathroom drain to see what would happen. Turns out it will cause stinking septic water to get sucked into the machine and spew all over the walls, ceiling and vanity. It also causes the vacuum cleaner to stop working. FML

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By katgib13 - 10/3/2015 22:38 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I was stopped in the grocery store by a stranger, who berated me, quite loudly, for going out in public in my pajamas. I had just gotten off work and was wearing scrubs. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 14:50 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

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By shescomfortablynumb - 5/6/2009 07:49 - United States

Today, I had a 3rd date with a great guy. Over dinner, he told me that he wanted to see more of me. When I agreed, he pulled out his schedule book and started to tell me he was dating 5 other women besides me. He then told me what week in the "rotation" would be mine. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By Muralove - 14/5/2015 02:55 - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

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By cclllc - 14/8/2012 09:06 - United States - Weatherford

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. He now argues that he should keep the dog. We only dated for three months, and I've had the dog since I was ten. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2010 02:21 - Australia

Today, I was in a public restroom when someone took the toilet next to mine. Moments later, a used tampon rolls into my cubicle followed by an "Oops!" A creeping hand then promptly reached under to retrieve it. Both her hand and the tampon touched my bare toes. FML

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By Ihatecleaning - 14/1/2017 12:00

Today, I found out from the doctor that I have a concussion. Was it from a wicked sports injury? No, my idiot brother decided to judo kick the door open while I was on the floor vacuuming the front carpet. FML

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By snoozlagist - 30/10/2010 04:52 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2015 23:08 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

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By Welp - 14/6/2017 14:00

Today, I failed my nursing clinical for, "being too nice". FML

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By Meaghan - 12/2/2013 17:41 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, my maid of honor, who offered to take care of my wedding dress before the D-Day, left it near her open window during heavy rain. My dress is now ruined, and she's backed out due to stress. I'm supposed to be getting married tomorrow. FML

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By pokeballbra - 17/10/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML

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By boohoo - 4/6/2012 12:45 - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML

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By Sorry - 2/10/2014 23:51 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 05:00

Water, water, everywhere

Today, I learned that taking a shower right before your house starts flooding is the human equivalent to washing your car right before it starts raining. Only much worse. FML

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By lpspann87 - 24/9/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML

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By Jill - 7/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I moved into my new flat only to notice it's right across from a frequently used railway line. FML

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By no, YOU raised him - 3/4/2015 21:15 - United States - Concord

Today, I asked my 5-year-old son how school went today. He sighed and said "Fuck off, dad." I thought kids only became such colossal douchebags in their teens. FML

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By dany - 26/5/2012 19:34 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I discovered that when my professor had said "For every A there will be an F," he was deadly serious. I earned a 94% mark, which in this class is known as a D. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

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By NotAnExcuse - 7/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By A. - 15/4/2009 07:48 - Canada

Today, after two weeks of living on plain pasta, I finally got my paycheck and was excited that I'd get real food, and ride the subway instead of exhausting my malnourished body with the two-hour walk to work. My surname was misspelt on the check; the bank is holding it for ten days. FML

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By Stupid - 22/12/2014 07:45 - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

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By moneyman22 - 1/3/2010 19:09 - United States

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

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By klutz - 25/8/2010 04:14 - Canada

Today, while grabbing a husk of corn out of the boiling hot pot, I splashed hot water on my neck, dropped the corn on my injured toe, and cut myself on the counters, all while my family laughed at my pain. FML

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By Pierceew - 19/9/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, after making out with this guy, our tongue piercings got stuck together. After about five minutes of trying to unlock them, I accidentally vomited a little in his mouth. FML

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By FD4 - 15/9/2018 14:30

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

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By NotEnoughBleach - 14/3/2016 03:58 - United States - Englewood

Roommates from hell

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

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By fmlpanda - 29/5/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

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By lonely - 1/8/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, my dad brought me home after I was in the hospital for a week. He gets me to my room, hands me a glass of water and some granola bars, then leaves me on my own so he can go play golf. FML

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By jlowder2 - 11/12/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML

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Top comments

By um_duh | 0

#239262 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:22

What a shitty day eh?

By lololol111 | 0

#239283 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:45

11 and 12, psychology is a completely different field then psychiatry

COMMENTS

By mattsprettycool | 0

#239253 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:15

hahahahaha, sucks to be you!

pedosmurf | 7

#5078654 - Thursday 25 October 2012 4:02

Shit happens! :)

By boatiebanter | 0

#239256 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:17

Well, you did decide to go into that field of psychiatry... Still sucks though :(

By um_duh | 0

#239262 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:22

What a shitty day eh?

chaos753159 | 4

#795346 - Sunday 24 January 2010 10:54

not as shitty as those bags

trivel64 | 16

#4058511 - Monday 20 February 2012 4:05

*ba dum tsss*

By sunshyne84_fml | 0

#239263 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:23

#1 how do u know where they're from? What makes u think all Americans use the same word? fyl

Zapurdead | 0

#407781 - Saturday 18 July 2009 15:07

Look at the small gray text under the FML:
"United States (New York)"

By fuckmeamiright | 0

#239268 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:26

#1 what the fuck man? where you're from every single person uses the same word for everything? that sucks. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit oh weird i must not be american.

NonComedogenic | 2

#2644394 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 21:56

agreed I hate it when one person makes a generalization off of one occurrence

By Darth_Taco | 14

#239269 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:26

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!!! If I knew you I'd probably hug you to make you feel better. After you shower about 30 times, of course (I'm paranoid about bacteria). Still, ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!!!

By Juggalette_623 | 9

#239270 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:29

Here is one of those FML's that needs a little more info before you say FYL or YDI.

Are you one of those bitchy nurses that completely pisses off your patients? If so YDI.
OR
Are you one of those nurses that deals with the patients after the first nurse (that acts like the first one described) leaves the room? If so FYL.

By um_duh | 0

#239272 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:31

#9 Noone deserves shit thrown at them. NOONE!

By RitzyHoke | 0

#239277 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:38

#10 please split noone into no one yeah? noone sounds like a typo of none.

Anyway,
And I thought I wanted to studying psychology.
Oh well, next choice.

OhHushDear | 11

#3907523 - Thursday 19 January 2012 6:03

Dude. You corrected their mistake and then totally killed the sentence after that. "I thought I wanted to studying psychology?" Lol learn the language before you gripe at other people for typos.

By Synnie | 0

#239280 - Thursday 28 May 2009 12:43

...Well, I'm not choosing psychology.

FYL