By ally - 23/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Austin

We could be heroes…

Today, I was changing a wound bandage on one of my patient’s buttocks. I forgot to initial and date the bandage per hospital regulation. As I kneeled in to write, the patient let out the biggest loudest fart directly in my face. The worst part? Some of it sprayed out, some on my face. FML

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Understandable

Rock, hard place

Shark-infested offices

By lawdy

Today, I told my daughter that she's going to be a big sister, because there is a baby growing in my tummy. She's been sobbing because I can't convince her that I didn't eat a baby. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

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By Wifewithquestions - United States - Clarksville

Mysterious

Today, I found male enhancers hidden in the back of the car, which I'm assuming are my husband's, but we haven't been having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

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By - Australia - Frankston

Today, after a recent move into my new apartment, I woke up early to study for an upcoming exam. I hadn't left my bed yet or made a sound, when my neighbor texted me and asked why I was awake. No one in the building has my phone number. FML

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By wtfbabe

Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong hole, I mean another man’s anus. FML

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By Iarla_ceapaire93 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

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By violetbcracecar - United States - Suisun City

Today, for the first time in my life, I have lice. The dog we rescued infested our house. No amount of showering has made me feel clean, and my bald husband just doesn't understand why I'm so bothered. FML

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By Amrit - 3/4/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Eastenders

Today, I found out that a few years ago, when I lost my kids to my ex-wife, it was because my current wife secretly hated having to be their stepmom, so she conspired with my ex to ruin the custody hearing in my ex's favour. FML

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By RektForLyfe - United States - Wickliffe

Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 05:01

That's… a strange coincidence

Today, my boyfriend of three years hooked up with a girl who got herpes from a Michigan football player. FML

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By SteroidPenguin - United States - Clifton

Today, I told my dad that I broke up with my first serious girlfriend. He responded by blaring sad breakup songs as loud as he could throughout the house, just to see me "cry like a bitch". FML

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By John - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

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By sothishappened - United States - Joliet

Today, I baked a strawberry cake and I didn't have any fresh strawberries for garnish, so I used a can of strawberry pie filling. My neighbors said it looked like the cake was taken from the dumpster behind an abortion clinic. FML

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By realitybites - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

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By dramaqueen - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he dates me. He immediately responded, "Well, TV shows are boring and predictable, so you're a good source of fresh and interesting drama." FML

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By LD619 - United States

Today, I gave my ex-girlfriend two concert tickets to show her I still care about her and want to win her back. She sold them. FML

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By tiredInMD - United States - Pasadena

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around. He threw me over his shoulder and turned around, smacking my face against the wall. Then he smacked my head into the fridge after turning round to see "what that loud bang" was. FML

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By why ma?

May to December

Today, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with my husband and I during this outbreak, just until everything calms down. She declined because we said she couldn’t bring her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a 34 year-old leech who's been living off her for over a year. She refuses to change her mind. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I came home to find my boyfriend playing with himself. He got mad and said I "killed the mood". How? By coming home. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while watching a man in front of me on the bus remove his cap to scratch his noggin, I noticed the swarm of dandruff that was about to nail me in my face. FML

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By Shoe - United States

Today, my boss told me he suspected his wife was cheating on him. I told him to pull up her Facebook page to look for suspicious activity. I looked at her profile picture and said, "Damn, that girl next to her fine! You know her?" It was his sixteen year old daughter. FML

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By Oh No...

Today, my girlfriend filmed a video about violence in sexual relationships for a class. I expected a monologue kind of thing. She then told me it was an example video of an encounter with a male classmate. She showed me. It’s pretty much porn. FML

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By bushy brows - United States - Prior Lake

Today, I recently gave birth to my daughter, and my husband and I both have dark hair and bushy eyebrows. We never thought it was a problem until our daughter was born with a dark, bushy unibrow. Now I'm too nervous to take pictures of her 'cause our family and friends laugh every time they see her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

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By mcullen21 - United States

Today, In my science class I sit next to my friend Jill. My teacher always gets our names confused calling me Jill and her Liz. She decided to combine our names. I'm now known as Jizz. My teacher clearly has no idea what it means. FML

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By unemployed - United States - Modesto

Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and looked down to see a huge cockroach. This is quite a normal occurrence, so I thought nothing of it until I realized it was struggling to drag the corpse of one of its friends into the building. FML

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By youngblood - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. His reason was because he's moving away for college. That won't be for another year. FML

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By DSM - United States

Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 20:02

"Based on your purchase history…"

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

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By john - United States

Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML

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By "Gvinson36"

Today, as they were being dropped off, I was informed that I'll be taking care of my grandparents' two cats. My apartment complex doesn't allow pets. FML

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By FoodNeeded - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

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By hale_551

Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2021 21:30

Sleep tight

Today, my depression caused me to sleep through my appointment to try and get more antidepressants. We love mental instability. FML

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By The Ugly One - United States

Today, my professor was doing roll-call. As usual, she didn't say my name because it's so close to the person before me. So to differentiate, she decided she would call the girl before me "the pretty one". FML

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By oink oink fuck off - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7947127 - Friday 23 October 2020 17:39

Lucky!

You are able to get shitfaced at work!

By crazy_joe | 15

#7947089 - Friday 23 October 2020 14:05

You need to get a new face

COMMENTS

By crazy_joe | 15

#7947089 - Friday 23 October 2020 14:05

You need to get a new face

By Shzusuziq | 16

#7947095 - Friday 23 October 2020 15:00

Hopefully you had a mask on?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7947127 - Friday 23 October 2020 17:39

Lucky!

You are able to get shitfaced at work!