Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be... - FML

By look before you speak - 9/2/2014 07:12 - United States

Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be my wingman and help me get a date with a girl I really liked. I told him my plan, and as I finished and turned to go to her, I noticed her standing right there, listening in on the whole conversation. FML

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Rock, hard place

You can't win sometimes

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Nose bleed - 16/4/2014 02:48 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

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By Richie - 20/5/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were buying Subway. When it came to ring up the order the lady asked us together or separate? My girlfriend looked and said separate. Half-jokingly, I asked if it was some sort of hint. She looked at me and said yes. I got broken up over a 12-inch ham sub. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2014 16:09 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML

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By retainer - 22/7/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

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By anonymous - 20/3/2012 22:33 - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my boyfriend discovered you can send sound clips as text messages. So far I've heard 5 of his farts in the past half hour. FML

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By Kimberpoo - 14/3/2013 06:21 - United States - San Diego

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

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By parentalfail - 25/12/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 21:05 - United States - Nevada

Today, I gave my daughter the sex talk. Barely 10 minutes later, her public Facebook status read: "My mom's a total pedo." and after she mentioned the talk, her friend posted, "That's sexual harassment. You can sue for that." Clearly I've failed as a parent. FML

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By missbutthole - 4/6/2011 13:07 - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

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By Getthelysol - 10/10/2018 05:00

Today, I gave my 8-month-old a bath in the kitchen sink after dinner, like I always do. Today, she decided to poop in it. FML

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By Alicia - 13/5/2010 22:49 - United States

Today, my friends and I had a long fun day at the river. That was until sundown. I now have mosquito bites in places you don't want to know. FML

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By Shaz - 24/8/2019 06:18 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I accidentally pulled out six of my eyelashes. It's noticeable. Very noticeable. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2010 22:04 - United States

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, I picked the treadmill next to an old man so I could feel better about myself. He ran faster and longer than I did. FML

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By (L) - 13/2/2018 09:00 - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

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By Adil Ilahi - 5/6/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - Keighley

Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML

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By sigh - 18/11/2019 01:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Lovely parents

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 07:24 - United States

Today, I got a call from work stating that my employment was being terminated. This was after being suspended while they investigated my sexual harassment claim. Their reason for firing me: misuse of company time. Yes, I suppose reporting being sexually harassed is a huge waste of time. FML

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By coolkid111 - 27/3/2011 00:26 - United States

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

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By 1357katie - 19/9/2009 04:22 - Canada

Today, I told my mom about the couple times that I'd skipped classes during high school. She got really mad and grounded me for a month. That would usually be normal except for the fact that I'm 27 and live in my own apartment. FML

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By yper - 27/10/2009 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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By katiebug - 12/7/2016 02:27 - United States - Topeka

Today, I was trying to get a good night's sleep before the huge exam tomorrow, which I'm extremely anxious about. The SAME night my neighbor below me is having a home birth. It lasted NINE HOURS. FML

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By JasonX0656 - 29/1/2017 06:00 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, my fiancé asked me to do some manscaping. I got a little overzealous and now I look like a 12-year-old boy with razor burn. FML

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By tallvet - 22/3/2018 19:00

Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 07:35 - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

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By Failoffel - 10/5/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

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By Marjo86 - 27/9/2019 20:00

Man vs. Wild

Today, I got stung by a hornet. I asked my mum to pass me my allergy medication, but she refused, because they were my brother's, saying "he's allergic to bees and wasps!" No mum, wrong kid. FML

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By Sarah - 10/3/2009 17:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML

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By Kev - 23/5/2019 04:00

Today, after a number of other automotive misadventures, I tried to find out why my radiator fan decided to quit working. That's when my hood struts thought it would be a good time to give way. Now I have big bruise on my shoulder where the latch hit me. FML

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By Noname - 23/2/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, for my birthday my boyfriend bought me a sexy outfit to wear for him. At the bottom of the bag was a razor. FML

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By me - 14/6/2014 15:28 - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

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By fuckyoutoo - 24/3/2013 23:47 - Canada - Armstrong

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't share food after I tried taking a chip from him. I made popcorn that night, and when he tried to take some, I said, "I'm sorry, I don't share food" to get him back. His response? "I can tell." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2019 06:03 - United States - New York

Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML

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By Application - 28/7/2015 20:44 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I asked my boss for a promotion. "You don't work here but I can give you a job application." I've been working here for 8 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 21:02 - United Kingdom - Broxburn

Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML

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By apparentnerd - 31/10/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, my sister is dressing up as a nerd for Halloween. She's using my clothes for the costume. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2014 06:39 - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, my neighbor came over and yelled at me for traumatizing her kids. What did I do? Nothing. Her kids entered my back yard, dug up my 1-month-dead hamster and freaked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 05:30 - Canada

Today, feeling like I needed to relax, I ordered room service at my hotel. When I was finished I went to put the tray outside not thinking about needing a key to get back in. I locked myself out of my room wearing happy face underwear in a $250 a night hotel. I had to go to the lobby to get a new key. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 20:42 - United States - Lombard

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 18:15 - United States

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

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Top comments

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#5852937 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

Now I wonder what her reaction was.

By killuhand | 12

#5852936 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

thats one way to do it i guess

Comments

By killuhand | 12

#5852936 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

thats one way to do it i guess

Reply

warsun | 27

#5853775 - Monday 10 February 2014 10:09

Certainly........ Unique I must say

Reply

kangx1 | 28

#5853877 - Monday 10 February 2014 13:55

We need a follow up!!!

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#5852937 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

Now I wonder what her reaction was.

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5852949 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:14

Yeah, this one needs a follow up.

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5852997 - Sunday 9 February 2014 17:11

Could be she got it as a kind of flirting?

Reply

kenleybunch | 15

#5853019 - Sunday 9 February 2014 17:34

I personally would of found it to be kind of cute

Reply

supersaladtosser | 6

#5853155 - Sunday 9 February 2014 19:47

you're cute

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5853189 - Sunday 9 February 2014 20:32

yeah! OP, if the girl likes you too, she probably thought it was cute!

Reply

Honema | 16

#5853227 - Sunday 9 February 2014 21:23

Why do people do this?
Stop it. It sounds very retarded to say of instead of have.
And it's not like two more letters are gonna kill you..

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5853249 - Sunday 9 February 2014 21:55

64 I can also agree with.

Reply

ShadowSneaker360 | 16

#5853332 - Monday 10 February 2014 0:12

#64, *going to.

Reply

zinoxity | 23

#5853349 - Monday 10 February 2014 0:39

73 - The word, "gonna", is a grammatical contraction. Using, "of", instead of, "have", is a complete misuse and incorrect form of the word, "of". The word "of", does not mean the same as, "have".
Don't correct someone if you don't know the rules of grammar.

Reply

alcoholmage | 14

#5854420 - Tuesday 11 February 2014 1:36

#73 People say "would've" and assume it's written out as "would of", but technically "would have" IS the correct grammar.

Reply

mac8080 | 7

#5854566 - Tuesday 11 February 2014 5:45

You think grammar is a motherfucking game.

Reply

someguy314159265 | 15

#5855203 - Tuesday 11 February 2014 21:58

It is a game, and you lost.

I am one of the many people who agree that this needs a follow-up.

Reply

Vlen_fml | 20

#5860538 - Monday 17 February 2014 6:03

assuming it was respectably decent and not a plan to fake-save her life or anything.

By thief1434 | 23

#5852938 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

Hey-that's one way to let her know!

By kiraleann | 16

#5852939 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

So...did she say yes?

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5853142 - Sunday 9 February 2014 19:35

And does she swallow? :P

Reply

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#5853760 - Monday 10 February 2014 9:44

Nope, she doesn't...
xP

By Joshwarrior | 38

#5852940 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

So did it work :P

By skeptic54 | 8

#5852941 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

lol. this either worked out really well or really badly

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5852956 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:20

I mean, if I were the girl, I wouldn't be mad. It's sweet that he put the effort into it, although it sucks that it didn't go as planned.

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5852963 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:29

Depends. As long as he wasn't like--
"Yo, yo, yo! Help me hook up with this ho!"
(I actually know a guy that talks like this. He's single)

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5852965 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:31

#21: He'd be awesome at Santa's Workshop.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5852971 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:43

#6, and where would a three-way rate on your scale?

Reply

Aligator67 | 12

#5853360 - Monday 10 February 2014 1:03

#21, Gee I wonder why :p

Reply

silentxninja | 13

#6265698 - Saturday 18 April 2015 1:58

This made me crack up haha. xD

By shaww | 28

#5852942 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

Sorry OP hope she says yes

Reply

sabiyah | 7

#5862403 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:49

Whats op mean?

By airhead2015 | 18

#5852943 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

Perfect timing.

By skyeyez9 | 24

#5852944 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:12

I am assuming she wasn't interested, otherwise this wouldn't have been an FML.
Better luck next time.

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5852954 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:19

No it's an fml because she overheard him

Reply

syki | 22

#5852972 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:43

Yeah, but if she overheard and said yes, it would probably be a My Life Is Awesome.

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5852994 - Sunday 9 February 2014 17:10

But we don't know that, cliffhangers!

Reply

scooterdude720 | 19

#5853085 - Sunday 9 February 2014 19:09

Well its kind of easier now that she already knows.

By tayza249 | 20

#5852945 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:12

At least now she knows you like her? I hope the OP follows up on this, I'm curious as to how it turned out