Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be... - FML

By look before you speak - 9/2/2014 07:12 - United States

Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be my wingman and help me get a date with a girl I really liked. I told him my plan, and as I finished and turned to go to her, I noticed her standing right there, listening in on the whole conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46541

You deserved it

13746

Tweet

Share

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

They're everywhere

TMI

By GAGirl1 - 1/5/2014 21:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to drive to India. Thinking he meant Indiana, I said sure, knowing I have friends there. He said, "Bangladesh, India, here we come!" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40936

You deserved it

7189

Tweet

Share

By fukingtigans - 29/7/2015 15:30 - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30540

You deserved it

2474

Tweet

Share

By Oblivious - 25/9/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, I fell off my desk chair. Why? I failed to notice that the screws I'd been finding on the floor around my room for the past few months belonged to said chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12457

You deserved it

31896

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16783

You deserved it

47624

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 06:22 - United States - Lacey

Today, I was at my class's band concert. Before the curtain was raised, I helped haul the piano to a different spot so a girl who would've had to stand behind it could be seen. I said, "There, now your mom can see you play!" She responded with, "My mom's blind." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39075

You deserved it

4045

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 00:48 - United States

Today, my parents gave me my birthday present. Two weeks ago, I ordered an xbox online. Three days ago, it came to my house, and my parents thought they could save money by putting wrapping paper on it, and giving it to me for my birthday. That's all they got me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36023

You deserved it

3456

Tweet

Share

By klala - 8/2/2012 14:07 - Reserved

Today, my boss asked me if I could work on Valentine's Day because there was no chance of me having a date. She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37065

You deserved it

3357

Tweet

Share

By shitforchris - 20/8/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65337

You deserved it

11604

Tweet

Share

By poururheartout - 27/7/2018 20:30

Nice.

Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3175

You deserved it

353

Tweet

Share

By Tibblesthepengwin - 14/2/2010 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the store to buy a new lego set, only to find there weren't any left in stock. I started crying before I could make it out of the store. Oh, and I'm eighteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11500

You deserved it

46326

Tweet

Share

By oheyimsarahh - 16/2/2011 15:30 - United States

Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53523

You deserved it

5260

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/9/2013 18:10 - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62049

You deserved it

10015

Tweet

Share

By 2fast4U - 21/3/2016 10:00 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, some of my coworkers have complained that I don't do my share of the work, though they can't specify exactly what I'm not getting done. Apparently, being too efficient and finishing first means I mustn't have done anything at all. The supervisor sided with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22347

You deserved it

1566

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 09:26 - Vietnam

Today, I finally had the confidence to show my girlfriend my hairy chest/stomach. I'm very self conscious about it, and get embarrassed easily. She said I looked disgusting, called me Chewbacca and broke up with me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48170

You deserved it

7122

Tweet

Share

By rattledwife666 - 21/1/2017 14:00

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7373

You deserved it

944

Tweet

Share

By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3136

You deserved it

374

Tweet

Share

By Alice - 24/10/2012 16:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28182

You deserved it

3555

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1472

You deserved it

121

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/11/2011 00:26 - Reserved

Today, it's my 21st birthday. My parents' gift was a case of non-alcoholic beer, to "prepare" me for when I "turn 21." My parents can't even remember how old I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34822

You deserved it

2385

Tweet

Share

By kids say the darnedest things - 19/7/2014 02:56 - United States - Denver

Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50180

You deserved it

7085

Tweet

Share

By Anna - 29/9/2015 14:58 - Sweden - V?ster?s

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23051

You deserved it

3642

Tweet

Share

By Tee - 26/3/2010 08:48 - France

Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31952

You deserved it

4388

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/3/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32787

You deserved it

4231

Tweet

Share

By matte - 30/3/2009 12:16 - Australia

Today, whilst working at Subway, I took an order for 6 footlongs. The entire process took 15 minutes due to the customer's hesitant and glacial pace. When it came to paying, he pulled out his wallet, looked inside, looked at me, and walked quickly out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

93175

You deserved it

4888

Tweet

Share

By MouserMan - 22/10/2014 14:47 - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38015

You deserved it

4262

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 15/2/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker "turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you". I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41247

You deserved it

5602

Tweet

Share

By wow - 19/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19382

You deserved it

36623

Tweet

Share

By MIND BLOWING - 20/10/2012 13:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13188

You deserved it

39546

Tweet

Share

By violatedinden - 24/8/2009 00:57 - United States

Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He's never been in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45426

You deserved it

2388

Tweet

Share

By squirrels69ing - 22/5/2011 01:00 - United States

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47646

You deserved it

6206

Tweet

Share

By madamefuxalittle - 8/7/2014 20:52 - United States - Stratford

Today, an elderly lady sat next to me on a bench, and started telling me out of the blue about how bad it is to have saggy boobs. I was uncomfortable enough at the unwanted info, without her then looking at my chest and adding, "But I expect you already know that, dear." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46704

You deserved it

4555

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/6/2014 05:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45767

You deserved it

10794

Tweet

Share

By criminal tit offender - 31/8/2013 16:25 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went skinny-dipping with my friends. At one point, I jokingly pointed out how one of them had the smallest boobs of us all. She calmly got out of the pond, dried herself, scooped up our clothes and phones, and drove off in her car. The cops she called arrived soon after. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24913

You deserved it

72442

Tweet

Share

By sophistication - 21/8/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can't talk right now, I'm in a movie theater." and then hung up. I'd called her home phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43058

You deserved it

3205

Tweet

Share

By Kris - 7/8/2011 20:37 - China

Today, at my workplace, a TV was installed just above my register at work which plays the same mind-numbingly awful 13 second ad on loop for the duration of our latest sale. The sale lasts for what are going to be three very long weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29242

You deserved it

2740

Tweet

Share

By dramaqueen15 - 16/10/2015 02:38

Today, I was working out in the gym when a fitness trainer came up to me and said it wasn't safe to be exercising while this far along in a pregnancy. I was too ashamed to tell them that I'm not pregnant, so I went along with it. Time to find a new gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27090

You deserved it

4159

Tweet

Share

By tooembarrassed - 12/2/2016 15:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was cuddling with the man I've been seeing, and he started caressing the mammoth of all pimples on my back. He continued fondling me while lecturing me on the dangers of skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19085

You deserved it

1963

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 21:46 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12773

You deserved it

43054

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/5/2017 16:00

Today, I found out that the electricity company can just show up unannounced and cut off my power, but cannot find the meter for a whole 10 days to switch it on again. It's currently dark and 7°C in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4902

You deserved it

453

Tweet

Share

By crushed - 11/12/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25149

You deserved it

4978

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#5852937 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

Now I wonder what her reaction was.

By killuhand | 12

#5852936 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

thats one way to do it i guess

COMMENTS

By killuhand | 12

#5852936 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

thats one way to do it i guess

Reply

warsun | 27

#5853775 - Monday 10 February 2014 10:09

Certainly........ Unique I must say

Reply

kangx1 | 28

#5853877 - Monday 10 February 2014 13:55

We need a follow up!!!

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#5852937 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

Now I wonder what her reaction was.

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5852949 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:14

Yeah, this one needs a follow up.

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5852997 - Sunday 9 February 2014 17:11

Could be she got it as a kind of flirting?

Reply

kenleybunch | 15

#5853019 - Sunday 9 February 2014 17:34

I personally would of found it to be kind of cute

Reply

supersaladtosser | 6

#5853155 - Sunday 9 February 2014 19:47

you're cute

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5853189 - Sunday 9 February 2014 20:32

yeah! OP, if the girl likes you too, she probably thought it was cute!

Reply

Honema | 16

#5853227 - Sunday 9 February 2014 21:23

Why do people do this?
Stop it. It sounds very retarded to say of instead of have.
And it's not like two more letters are gonna kill you..

Reply

FracturedMinds | 21

#5853249 - Sunday 9 February 2014 21:55

64 I can also agree with.

Reply

ShadowSneaker360 | 16

#5853332 - Monday 10 February 2014 0:12

#64, *going to.

Reply

zinoxity | 23

#5853349 - Monday 10 February 2014 0:39

73 - The word, "gonna", is a grammatical contraction. Using, "of", instead of, "have", is a complete misuse and incorrect form of the word, "of". The word "of", does not mean the same as, "have".
Don't correct someone if you don't know the rules of grammar.

Reply

alcoholmage | 14

#5854420 - Tuesday 11 February 2014 1:36

#73 People say "would've" and assume it's written out as "would of", but technically "would have" IS the correct grammar.

Reply

mac8080 | 7

#5854566 - Tuesday 11 February 2014 5:45

You think grammar is a motherfucking game.

Reply

someguy314159265 | 15

#5855203 - Tuesday 11 February 2014 21:58

It is a game, and you lost.

I am one of the many people who agree that this needs a follow-up.

Reply

Vlen_fml | 20

#5860538 - Monday 17 February 2014 6:03

assuming it was respectably decent and not a plan to fake-save her life or anything.

By thief1434 | 23

#5852938 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:10

Hey-that's one way to let her know!

By kiraleann | 16

#5852939 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

So...did she say yes?

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5853142 - Sunday 9 February 2014 19:35

And does she swallow? :P

Reply

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#5853760 - Monday 10 February 2014 9:44

Nope, she doesn't...
xP

By Joshwarrior | 38

#5852940 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

So did it work :P

By skeptic54 | 8

#5852941 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

lol. this either worked out really well or really badly

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5852956 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:20

I mean, if I were the girl, I wouldn't be mad. It's sweet that he put the effort into it, although it sucks that it didn't go as planned.

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5852963 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:29

Depends. As long as he wasn't like--
"Yo, yo, yo! Help me hook up with this ho!"
(I actually know a guy that talks like this. He's single)

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5852965 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:31

#21: He'd be awesome at Santa's Workshop.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5852971 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:43

#6, and where would a three-way rate on your scale?

Reply

Aligator67 | 12

#5853360 - Monday 10 February 2014 1:03

#21, Gee I wonder why :p

Reply

silentxninja | 13

#6265698 - Saturday 18 April 2015 1:58

This made me crack up haha. xD

By shaww | 28

#5852942 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

Sorry OP hope she says yes

Reply

sabiyah | 7

#5862403 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 4:49

Whats op mean?

By airhead2015 | 18

#5852943 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:11

Perfect timing.

By skyeyez9 | 24

#5852944 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:12

I am assuming she wasn't interested, otherwise this wouldn't have been an FML.
Better luck next time.

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5852954 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:19

No it's an fml because she overheard him

Reply

syki | 22

#5852972 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:43

Yeah, but if she overheard and said yes, it would probably be a My Life Is Awesome.

Reply

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5852994 - Sunday 9 February 2014 17:10

But we don't know that, cliffhangers!

Reply

scooterdude720 | 19

#5853085 - Sunday 9 February 2014 19:09

Well its kind of easier now that she already knows.

By tayza249 | 20

#5852945 - Sunday 9 February 2014 16:12

At least now she knows you like her? I hope the OP follows up on this, I'm curious as to how it turned out