Today, I went on a date with a guy that I really like. At the... - FML

By newmoongirl1036 - 13/7/2015 02:03 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I really like. At the last minute he informed me a friend would be tagging along. To keep his friend from being a third-wheel, I kept up a conversation, and managed to piss my date off. He thought I would be a better match for his friend. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

Great boyfriend

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 28/9/2012 21:22 - Canada

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl - 14/6/2019 16:00

Today, after getting together with the guy who I like, and who actually likes me back, he finally kissed me. Unfortunately, he kisses like he’s trying to suck out my soul. FML

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By amber - 19/4/2012 18:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my boyfriend gave me acne cream for my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML

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By anon - 20/11/2015 00:53 - New Zealand

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

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By Amberain - 16/8/2012 15:16 - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By eemp - 5/2/2010 05:01 - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

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By Mika_Ookami - 21/2/2010 17:54 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat for the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML

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By phreshrice - 7/4/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because apparently I need to "grow up". He is the one who plays excesive Call of Duty and still has Pokémon and Bionicles in his room. FML

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By shouldbehappyiguess - 11/7/2013 06:20 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, a coworker complimented me on losing weight, and said that she wished she could drop a few pounds too. I was too embarrassed to tell her that the only reason I've lost weight is because I haven't been able to afford to eat. FML

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By Mikey - 28/4/2009 06:50 - United States

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

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By faen - 29/11/2012 21:12 - Norway - Marifjora

Today, Muse cancelled their upcoming show in Oslo. I bought my sold-out tickets on the black market for double the retail price, and have no way of getting my money back. FML

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By bad blood, no shit - 3/12/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to my overbearing mom's 57th birthday party. He opened his gift in front of her and said smugly, "The makeup's for your face, and the prayer book's for the fat rolls." Any hope of family peace is now lost. FML

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By Bittersweet - 7/7/2019 06:00

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

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By screwed - 11/3/2020 23:00

Bad choice of material, dude

Today, I told my on and off girlfriend as a joke that I stalked her two years ago. She didn't believe me. When I say she didn't believe me, I mean she didn't believe it was a joke. FM

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By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

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By umm - 8/12/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The rest of the family stood there laughing. This is what I'm marrying into? FML

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By Torbey - 14/9/2016 03:49 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my younger brother complained yet again of soreness in his wrist. Frustrated with his constant whining, my mother turned to him and snapped, 'Well, what have you been using it for all this time then!?' The awkward silence of realisation for them both won't go away anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2012 00:12 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML

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By WTF? - 12/8/2013 04:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2016 06:53 - United States - Manchester

Today, I introduced my long-distance boyfriend of 2 years to my friends. I told him how my friends jokingly call him my imaginary Internet boyfriend. He thought it was so funny that when they met, he claimed to be my cousin, saying that I paid him to pretend to be my boyfriend. They believed him. FML

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By Kortnie Peterman - 2/7/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I found out my Nuva ring comes out quite easily, especially when he manages to hook it around the tip of his dick. FML

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By Holland - 4/4/2019 12:00

Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2017 01:30

Today, a stranger yelled, "Non-believers shouldn't wear these!" He then took my rosary and ran off. It belonged to my dead brother. FML

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By frankie034 - 6/5/2009 07:40 - Australia

Today, I was ordering some clothes from Abercrombie online and I went to measure my bust to check what size I am in American. I got my measurement, checked what size it would be and the size of my bust was not even listed on the website. Great. Now even Abercrombie thinks I have small tits. FML

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By Bullocks - 27/4/2012 05:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not by any sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I was driving home. It was late and I wanted to get home so I started speeding. I didn't wanna get a ticket so I slowed down everytime I saw a car that could be a cop, judging by headlights. There was a car with a busted headlight so I sped up. Couldn't be a cop car. It could. $216 proof. FML

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By toomuchwork - 13/9/2018 01:30

Today, as I was leaving for a 2-week vacation after working my ass off for 2 years, my area manager handed me a project. It's a 3-week job, and he told me he needs it when I get back. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2012 14:19 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend and I were acting out a kinky scenario at home, where we'd met in a club and were having a one night stand. We ended up getting into a real argument about an imaginary girl in the club. I didn't have sex and we haven't spoken since. FML

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By cookie_lover_xx - 15/10/2015 06:24 - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

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By SupermarketSally - 25/11/2016 13:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, a customer threw a bottle of milk at me because we'd moved our smoke counter 6 months earlier during our renovations. Moved it five metres to the right that is. He marched out of the store, then marched back, grabbed the milk from my hands, threw $5 at me and then left again. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

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By daniella101 - 28/6/2012 18:11 - United States - Lacombe

Today, my boyfriend finally met my brother. He arrested him for drunk driving. FML

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By I'm screwed - 13/1/2013 01:30 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that my sleep-walking is so bad that I regularly text my friend while I sleep. I have no idea how many times this has happened. FML

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By Big B - 4/2/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

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By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

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Top comments

By DerpAngel | 8

#6349518 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:11

Should've just stuck to actual date rule and not bring his friend along.

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6349520 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:12

That really sucks, OP. I don't know why he bothered to take you on a date if he wasn't even interested. Perhaps you WILL be a better match? :D Seems you two got along pretty well anyways.
Regardless, I hope you have better dating luck from now on!

COMMENTS

By HUGBUG | 23

#6349515 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:09

Wow that guy is a jerk

Reply

uncle_ssaamm | 12

#6350042 - Tuesday 14 July 2015 2:11

op she should let him know that it stopped being a date the minute he invited a friend

By miianah1 | 22

#6349516 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:09

Damn, first comment and I have nothing witty nor useful to say. Oh well, FYL.

By Cads1 | 24

#6349517 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:11

Sounds like a win too me.

By DerpAngel | 8

#6349518 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:11

Should've just stuck to actual date rule and not bring his friend along.

By xoragebaby | 17

#6349519 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:12

Who brings a friend on a "date"? Unless you met said guy on a dating site and you're meeting for the first time, seems pretty bogus. On to the next, OP!

Reply

cameosurgeon | 16

#6350651 - Tuesday 14 July 2015 21:50

it doesn't say it was the first date. plus, nowadays dates are basically just a hang out. he just sounds jealous.

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6349520 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:12

That really sucks, OP. I don't know why he bothered to take you on a date if he wasn't even interested. Perhaps you WILL be a better match? :D Seems you two got along pretty well anyways.
Regardless, I hope you have better dating luck from now on!

Reply

interesting33 | 36

#6349542 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:32

I think it sounds like he WAS interested. And jealous.

Reply

meggieeeee92 | 27

#6349681 - Monday 13 July 2015 17:25

If he was really all the interested he wouldn't have brought his friend along. It's not really a date at that point.

Reply

interesting33 | 36

#6349717 - Monday 13 July 2015 18:25

But then why would he get annoyed at OP for talking to his friend?

Reply

Shadowblast423 | 3

#6349762 - Monday 13 July 2015 19:09

He thought that the conversation would go better and that OP and the date's friend would hit it off. When that didn't happen, date boy got pissed.

By limegreenpoopie | 31

#6349521 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:13

You should call the friend up now! Lol

By kpetrovski | 24

#6349522 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:13

... "newmoongirl"

Reply

MzZombicidal | 36

#6349637 - Monday 13 July 2015 16:30

What about it?

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6349677 - Monday 13 July 2015 17:22

… Aaaaaaand?

Reply

randomcritic | 14

#6349694 - Monday 13 July 2015 17:47

Edward vs. Jacob?

Reply

rabbi1010 | 29

#6349929 - Monday 13 July 2015 23:07

Edward and Jacob

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6349525 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:15

That guy isn't worth your time, good thing you didn't go any further with him

By rieebee | 23

#6349526 - Monday 13 July 2015 13:15

Doesn't seem like he was taking your date seriously in the first place if he thought bringing his friend was a good idea. You're probably better off without him.