Intimacy: Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled,...

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:11 - Belgium

Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled, examined it carefully. That's when it started to vibrate. Obviously, that wasn't a lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 496

You deserved it 10 889

Intimacy

Own it

Dementia or hate? You decide

Nice place

By potpurri_needed - 10/06/2009 17:37 - United States

Today, I was doing the laundry, but couldn't tell if one basket contained dirty clothes or clean clothes. I put my head down into the basket and took a whiff to check, and smelled something strong. I looked down and noticed I had shoved my nose into my mother's dirty panties and inhaled deeply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 166

You deserved it 60 861

By bluefrisky - 29/09/2012 07:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, we had movers come in to take all of our stuff as the final step to our move to the States. We have our flight scheduled for tomorrow evening. Thing is, they accidentally took my carry-on bag without my knowledge. In that carry-on there was a little something called a passport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 999

You deserved it 3 367

By EpicFail - 11/01/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 808

You deserved it 2 345

By Sugartits - 08/08/2017 13:00

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick me up from work. We work at the same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 033

You deserved it 381

By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 04:59 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 884

You deserved it 6 884

Bragging

By lastalittlelonger - 05/12/2009 09:07 - United States

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 567

You deserved it 3 130

By anonymous - 05/05/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 505

You deserved it 6 291

By twohoursclosertodeath - 26/01/2013 22:57 - United States - Austin

Today, I had to suffer through a two-hour long trivia game with my boyfriend's family. As if that wasn't annoying enough, my boyfriend caused the pair of us to lose by just a single point, because he answered "Quebec" to the question of "What is the capital city of France?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 254

You deserved it 7 148

By Anonymous - 21/07/2019 20:00

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 971

You deserved it 308

By grrrrrr - 19/02/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 568

You deserved it 5 037

By mastermind - 22/08/2018 23:30

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 278

You deserved it 680

By Kurt's Dad - 15/05/2019 16:04

Today, during my grandmother's funeral, my talented ten-year-old son found the church organ and began playing Smells Like Teen Spirit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 704

You deserved it 294

By Anonymous - 01/05/2012 08:24 - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 761

You deserved it 29 309

By christian9294 - 08/02/2010 20:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying I was immature for making gay jokes all the time. A few hours later, I got six texts and three calls from guys I didn't know. It turns out, she put my name and number on Craigslist as a gay man seeking a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 895

You deserved it 55 563

Vicious

By Anonymous - 29/06/2020 08:08

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 765

You deserved it 877

By .... - 24/12/2013 02:48 - United States - Modesto

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 994

You deserved it 3 716

By Childhood - 12/12/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to my little cousin's school to pick her up and it happened to be my old elementary school. I saw my old teacher and went up to say hi, and after a few minutes she goes "Aren't you the girl who's dad always came in drunk on parent's day?" Nice to know that's how I'm remembered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 323

You deserved it 2 745

By mirrorfad - 29/01/2010 05:49 - France

Today, my mum got upset with me for getting my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 481

You deserved it 3 226

By photomark - 13/12/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 489

You deserved it 36 947

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, as an April fools day joke, I decided to tell my mom and dad that I was gay. After an awkward silence, my mom looks at me, smiles, and says, "well, we have known for a while." She wasn't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 900

You deserved it 62 987

By Anonymous - 02/04/2017 16:00

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 727

You deserved it 396

By smoothcoffee - 27/08/2009 05:53 - Australia

Today, the bank called saying we were late in the mortgage payments. I was puzzled because three months ago I issued a big cheque to my mum pay off the mortgage. I just discovered that she instead lost it all at the casino. Turns out, she's become a compulsive gambler ever since dad passed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 709

You deserved it 4 007

By Bleh - 08/03/2019 22:00 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I found out that my new, expensive noise-canceling headphones trigger my motion sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 041

You deserved it 232

By SchoolFMLs - 27/02/2014 18:30 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was supposed to be studying for an important exam. My parents decided to make me go to a surprise birthday party instead. We weren't allowed to leave until the party was over. The party was for the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 168

You deserved it 3 830

By 404: sense not found - 08/06/2014 18:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some pig slapped my ass as he passed me in the street, then looked back at me with a dirty grin. His grin turned to horror when he realized that I'm actually a guy, then to anger as he bitched me out for "tricking" him by "looking like a chick". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 248

You deserved it 7 326

By neryc - 04/07/2014 19:41 - United States - Hummelstown

Today, my little sister started freaking out, because she was playing with some white-out eraser and got some on her finger. She started crying inconsolably because she thought her entire finger was going to disappear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 392

You deserved it 4 519

By Anonymous - 15/03/2012 20:08 - Canada

Today, a telemarketer called me and asked if they could speak to my "mommy or daddy". I am 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 363

You deserved it 2 774

By lyssamarie316 - 01/10/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I went to an interview for a job at a company I've applied for numerous times this year. When I showed up at the interview room, I found it was a vacant office. I called and confirmed the address. I guess this was my hint to stop applying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 649

You deserved it 4 726

Sorry

By FailedSniper - 22/03/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having, I shot at him with the sniper gun I'd bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was OK. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 137

You deserved it 53 838

By ph2222 - 05/10/2015 17:10 - United States - Toledo

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his parents' house when things started getting hot. Out of respect, we stopped and just cuddled, making us able to hear his parents banging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 137

You deserved it 3 622

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

By DoYourWorst - 10/03/2017 06:00 - Canada

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 707

You deserved it 317

By Anonymous - 06/10/2018 15:30

Today, we woke up to two inches of water in our finished basement, which my wife and I use it as our bedroom. The plumber found roots in our sewer line. The kicker: we just bought the house four days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 630

You deserved it 237

By Anonymous - 07/06/2016 19:27 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my coworker cornered me in the office bathroom and insisted that, because she's been watching me, I use the bathroom too quickly and must not be washing my hands, and that I have to wash them from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 230

You deserved it 1 221

By somewhatlucky - 27/12/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 998

You deserved it 3 857

By Butterfly - 08/12/2008 03:21 - France

Today, I warned my boss that I couldn't take part in a very important meeting I've been working on for 6 months (my son is ill). "Never mind" he said, "We'll just put a pot plant on your seat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 805

You deserved it 2 999

By grow_fasterrr - - 13/10/2010 05:28 - Canada

Today, I went to get a trim. However, follow-up damage control at home afterward shouldn't really be necessary on a fifty dollar haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 346

You deserved it 5 443

By maddieex - 04/12/2014 02:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend brought me to a restaurant on a surprise date. I guess he didn't know that my ex-boyfriend now works there, and that he would be our waiter for the evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 268

You deserved it 3 274

By mykodu - 02/10/2014 20:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 257

You deserved it 4 860

By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 19:44 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 462

You deserved it 1 358

F is for Family

By pissed - 12/10/2020 04:59

Today, I came home to find my husband’s disgusting pig of a sister let herself in while we were at work and decided to take a nap in our bed. Not only did she not ask to visit, she left a huge smelly period stain on my favorite sheets. No apology, no attempt to clean up. I didn’t give her a key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 71

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Top comments

DocBastard 38

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:17

"MOM! Your new lipstick tastes funny!"

6sick6 4

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:27

"Mom, why does your lipstick taste like a vagina?" "How do you know what a vagina tastes like?" ..Awkward silence..

DocBastard 38

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:17

"MOM! Your new lipstick tastes funny!"

hiloman500 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:18

win

Marvin_Android 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 23:11

Sounds awful. Your poor, ignorant mother. Trying to pursue but a bit of temporary pleasure in an otherwise miserable, pointless existence. At least she's intelligent enough to depend on a machine instead of another organic being; those just let you down every time. Life. Don't talk to me about life.

GreatGeak 8

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 23:27

rofl!!!!

SmallTownCutie 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 1:58

Doc- More like, "Eww, MOM! Why does this lipstick taste like gooey fish??" >:-)

wwerulez14 6

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Thursday 25 November 2010 4:13

Doc, the mental picture of that is priceless. Well, when you imagine OP as an 8 year old, the mental picture is priceless.

besosforme 26

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Thursday 25 November 2010 7:32

Ewwww, bad visual!

MissLizWolf 8

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Thursday 25 November 2010 15:13

56: you killed it.

iluffmcrandbvb 1

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 11:49

nothings wrong with masturbating? whats up ur ass?

JustFreakingFant 0

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Wednesday 30 March 2011 23:43

108- It's the fact that OP had thought it was lipstick and was going to use it. And besides, I'm sure if you found out your mom was masturbating you'd be a bit disgusted .

thatoneguy500 8

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 5:08

Are you high or just emo

mayumm 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:21

yummy.

Bcfrmkc816 17

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Monday 21 November 2011 3:48

Mayum I bet you are tasty

Life_is_FML 22

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Tuesday 18 September 2012 7:40

You've got some face on your makeup.

Success4444 12

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Wednesday 20 March 2013 3:27

Why in the world would anyone want to share lipstick with their mother!? You never know where it's been! Hopefully you remember this lesson!

6sick6 4

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:27

"Mom, why does your lipstick taste like a vagina?" "How do you know what a vagina tastes like?" ..Awkward silence..

FlameingDuncecap 3

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Thursday 25 November 2010 2:51

**awkward turtle**

stewpididiot 11

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Thursday 25 November 2010 4:36

hahahahaha!

olarvman 5

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Thursday 25 November 2010 12:06

#60 win!

sweetbitchx 0

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Friday 26 November 2010 5:48

LOL

Herox 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:28

awkward moment

Driftz 3

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:32

And you picked it up why.

QwertyMcNugget 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 2:36

That's the best panda I've ever seen. O.O

SouthernKid1995 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:33

um wow. Mom your lipstick is vibrating. mom:.........

TheUnknown_fml 9

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:34

is it that small you mistook it for vibrator? 0.o

allmidnighteyes 10

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:39

It was probably a clitoral stimulator. Not every vibrator is designed with the purpose of being shoved in and out of a vagina.

whoopyouupsideyo 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:43

they make little vibrators to look like lipstick because some women like to get kinky during the day.

besosforme 26

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Thursday 25 November 2010 7:35

I know they make PocketRockets and such, but since when have vibrators had caps on them??

Pauline96_fml 20

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Monday 24 November 2014 19:43

Do you really want a vibrator loose in your purse after being used?!

gigilvrs6 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:35

Let's just hope you found out before you tried it out. If you didn't, well let's just say you will be going through the whole day smelling like fish. ;)

wwerulez14 6

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Thursday 25 November 2010 4:42

OP's Boyfriend: "Hey, why does your lips smell like a vagina?" OP: "I don't wanna talk about it...."

kobebryant100 5

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Thursday 25 November 2010 8:42

your very pretty gigi :)

Judus_beej 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 13:27

just tell the boyfriend you f&$&'n love fish dicks!

Anndres 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 19:31

daayyyuumm

bethan1 4

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:35

Just be glad it started to vibrate before you tried putting it on;)

shortystar_fml 0

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Thursday 25 November 2010 1:37

agreed

val68_fml 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:39

funny, there was the exact same FML on the french site yesterday...

Sirin_fml 46

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:50

It's part of the FML exchange program; VDM gets some of FML's submissions, and vice-versa.

val68_fml 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 22:54

Ok ! I saw this exange program but in the french site there was a note with the VDM saying it was a translation from the FML site. That's was I was doubtful, sorry !