Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I... - FML

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 13:18 - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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Understandable

Season finale

Incognito browsing

By bee - 23/12/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

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By turnoff - 17/9/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

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By butterfingers - 6/12/2013 07:08 - United States - New Wilmington

Today, I dropped a $400 bottle of wine while trying to get the cork out. FML

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By turning red - 27/7/2013 01:14 - United States

Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML

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By Clumsy & Forgetful - 27/11/2011 06:02 - Canada

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

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By Noname - 1/2/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you". My heart melted and I told her that I love her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

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By James - 6/9/2019 02:04

Windows 2019

Today, a group of angry women stormed my boss’s office, complaining I was harassing them and peeping through their windows. I'm a window washer, and these women never buy curtains. FML

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By Username - 14/8/2011 17:44 - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

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By Deadpool434 - 19/10/2014 19:27 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent". I got pranked by myself. FML

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By Allie cat - 2/12/2016 13:43

Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML

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By itsnotthatIhatecharity - 26/8/2017 23:15

Today, I found out that because I, like many others, don't read the terms and conditions, I accidentally donated £200 to a charity because of a non-refundable payment on a volunteering trip. It's my parents' money. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, the police came to my door and told me about a woman who called the cops on me because she said that I had been following her in my car. We were on the highway. FML

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By nekogirl15 - 27/10/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, I convinced my best friend to talk to the guy I like at work to find out if he was interested in me. She came back ten minutes later, and told me he said he'd never be able to date me. Apparently, kissing me "would be like making out with Mother Teresa's corpse." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

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By uglyswimmer - 23/4/2009 01:58 - United States

Denied

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

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By Sophie - 7/6/2012 07:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time. It's a small, old cottage in the countryside. I went up for a shower and didn't realise that the plug hole was blocked. Before I knew it, the bathroom floor was completely flooded and the ceiling below was dripping. FML

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By Nyquilwtf - 23/9/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, I learned that Nyquil has such an amazing effect on me, that it won't even allow me to wake up to go to the bathroom. FML

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By Alex - 30/9/2009 06:46 - Belgium

Today, I was notified that I've been going to the wrong courses for 4 weeks. A friend of mine was the only person to tell me that the administration had taken the privilege to change my courses. I have now failed 5 courses due to absences and have been suspended from college for 6 months. FML

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By We raised that fool - 6/8/2014 13:21 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I went for a romantic, anniversary meal with my wife. It was amazing, until we had to rush home halfway through because our daughter rang, informing us that her 20-year-old sister had broken her wrist trying to jump from the roof, onto the trampoline and into the pool. She 'miscalculated'. FML

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By genderbender - 17/11/2010 01:21 - Reserved

Today, I went to the new gym I recently signed up for and started exercising in the men-filled weights room, despite being intimidated by them and the strange looks they were giving me. Workout over, I left the room and saw in front of me a door marked "Women's weights room". Oh. FML

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By dtack2tack - 9/7/2015 13:42 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his boss so he could get a promotion and "provide" for us. This from the guy who made me quit my job because he said he made enough money to support us both. FML

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By haku4u - 1/4/2013 23:18 - United States - Port Charlotte

Today, I got served paperwork stating that my ex-fiancée is suing me again for child support. About 7 years ago, I proved via DNA testing within the court system that I was not the father the first time. I see a talk show in my future. FML

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By williebees - 28/11/2012 17:43 - United States - Huntsville

Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML

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By mumfordandsonimdisappointed - 29/8/2015 05:09 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my dad how I rear-ended the car in front of me because of a particularly intense banjo solo. FML

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By gnafron - 31/12/2014 11:30 - France - Grenoble

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

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By ugh - 8/6/2012 04:35 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister, knowing that I'm terrified of his face, taped a picture of Michael Jackson over our toilet. When I entered the washroom, I sprinted back out screaming. Minutes later, while in the shower, I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Guess who was grinning down at me. FML

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By Wanted - 19/8/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Salford

Today, I got a letter summoning me to court for leaving the scene of a car accident I had in London. I live in Manchester and don't own a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 08:36 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my new boyfriend. When the check came, he asked, "Do you accept food stamps?" When the waiter said no, he checked in his wallet and said, "Well all I have is five dollars." I ended up picking up the $20 tab. FML

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By The_Life - 12/10/2016 13:26 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML

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By WorkerBee - 17/3/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By Nate - 12/1/2012 05:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

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By Big bootay - 28/1/2019 16:00

Today, while at a restaurant, my 4 year old son pointed to a lady and exclaimed “Mom, her butt is even bigger than yours!” FML.

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By fuck Star Wars - 14/9/2020 10:02

The Force is weak with this one

Today, I sat through 9 gruelling hours of Star Wars with my boyfriend. I hate those movies with a passion and frankly would rather get a pap smear from Wolverine than watch them. Afterwards, he dumped me for yawning, saying that I didn’t take a “serious” interest in his favorite things. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2014 15:27 - United States - Iola

Today, a week after moving into my new house, I'm seriously considering suing the previous occupant. He failed to mention how the neighbor has his own band and rehearses every other day until 2am. Their music is so bad, it sounds like the wailing of a cat being tortured to death. FML

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By oh gee, you don't say - 15/12/2012 18:43 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

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By interphaseprophasemetaphase - 4/9/2013 11:18 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

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By Anon - 12/1/2012 13:34 - Australia

Today, I actually took pleasure in sniffing my armpits after 2 days of not showering. FML

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By ppema - 31/7/2015 18:28 - United States

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

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By blame the maid - 13/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Deadly cocktail

Today, my very sheltered girlfriend decided to surprise me by cleaning our apartment. Although she grew up with housekeepers and maids, I thought it was common knowledge that you don’t try cleaning the bathroom with both bleach and ammonia. We still can’t go back inside our place. FML

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Top comments

By sarabraun8 | 7

#1745887 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 18:58

haha deserved

By hashmita | 0

#1745891 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 18:59

Seriously, stop stalking him.

COMMENTS

By sarabraun8 | 7

#1745887 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 18:58

haha deserved

Reply

xXgUeSsWhAtXx | 9

#1745906 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:03

well....ARE you?

Reply

MRiKiCCS | 0

#1745909 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:05

lol this wouldnt happen if you were hot.

Reply

ThePillow | 0

#1745940 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:18

#8 is stupid, and everyone has to realize that OP never said she was stalking.

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1745975 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 20:08

she never denied it either... hmmm

Reply

babyyappld | 7

#1746582 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 23:29

but wouldn't he have to be stalking her in order to know her password so that he could change it?

Reply

sarabraun8 | 7

#1746599 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 23:38

she told him her password herself. reread it

Reply

boomsl4ng | 11

#1747102 - Thursday 25 November 2010 2:18

reading before posting would be nice!! if you're stalking him, ydi! if not, well, you can always speak to him! lol

Reply

biuefire | 0

#1748054 - Thursday 25 November 2010 7:15

although... kinda a stupid way to get her to stop stalking.. now she HAS to stalk him for the password.

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#1748533 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:26

I agree with 60 haha.

The first thing that came to mind reading this was: owned. OP, YDI for stalking your co-worker. If you like him that much, just talk to him or ask him out. You just blew any chance you might have had...

Reply

creamofwheat | 4

#1760050 - Saturday 27 November 2010 19:34

Step 1) Go to school,
Step 2) Learn the ABCs,
Step 3) Learn mechanics, syntax, and grammar of the English language,
Step 4) Re-read the OP's story.

Reply

facilitator | 0

#2214482 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:56

I know my syntax, it's C4 stuffed in a tube sock covered in axle grease. don't make me your enemy.

Reply

iBiteRoses | 22

#3965438 - Monday 30 January 2012 8:44

Shweet

Reply

shinersaboss | 0

#4744420 - Saturday 28 July 2012 16:10

What does OP Stand for??

By DaveP | 0

#1745889 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 18:58

well...stop stalking him

By hashmita | 0

#1745891 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 18:59

Seriously, stop stalking him.

Reply

FMLrey | 0

#1747224 - Thursday 25 November 2010 2:50

srsly, your ugly as sht

By Save_Bandit | 5

#1745892 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 18:59

do you actually stalk him?

Reply

Fmelikeuhateme | 24

#6678628 - Friday 26 August 2016 19:11

I think that the reason he knew he could get her password just by asking it confirms it.

By little_lyn | 0

#1745893 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 18:59

stop stalking him then

By iamthespider | 0

#1745903 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:02

Wow, these comments are all so very clever and original. YDI for being a creeper!!!

By windfuelsfire | 10

#1745911 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:06

I have some very valuable feedback to offer.. stop stalking him!

By CrazyManNo9 | 29

#1745913 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:06

You be pwned!

By KittehSayzRAWR | 0

#1745915 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:07

I'd also check your Facebook once you get your account back...

Reply

nathan5 | 0

#1745988 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 20:23

Frape!

Reply

alex1502 | 0

#1747436 - Thursday 25 November 2010 3:58

lol

By lilbill_4eva | 0

#1745931 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:14

genious!

Reply

catatonicsleep | 17

#1745944 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:20

*genius, genius!

Reply

darkblonde | 0

#1746149 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 21:38

Or perhaps ingenious! :D