Today, I wake up only to find that my roommates cooked all my... - FML

By raybandy - 24/1/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I wake up only to find that my roommates cooked all my food. Now I'm starving and the place smells like delicious bacon. FML

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By disney_dick - 8/1/2018 00:00 - United States - Mims

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 20:51 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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By ddll - 5/9/2011 01:27 - Singapore

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She responded by sitting on the floor, crying like a baby and screaming "WHY?" at strangers. FML

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By Iknowhowtoraisethem - 26/12/2016 01:06 - United States - Woodridge

Today, my 25-year-old daughter, who normally doesn't drive, was out using the family car when she came back annoyed and emotional over the "stupid" cars heating being broken. She said no matter how high she turned it up it was still blowing cold air. I checked and it was set to A/C the entire time. FML

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By usmcgirl - 18/11/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I realized why my 50 year old Dad's 30 something girlfriend looked so familiar. She is in all my parents wedding photos... as the flower girl. FML

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By I'm an adult! - 2/7/2015 19:16 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I told my parents I'm pregnant. I got a long lecture from my mom about using protection. It would have been fine hearing all that, but I'm turning 22, I've been moved out for a few years, have a full time job with great benefits, and am getting married next summer. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 06:15

Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. Why? I was late for our date. We arrived at the restaurant together. FML

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By - 27/12/2018 18:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML

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By Pancakegirl - 18/6/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at IHOP. When I left, a middle aged man in the parking lot offered me $100 to sleep with him in the dumpsters behind the building. That is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

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By really? - 28/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Kids

Today, I noticed my daughter’s sullen mood and asked if there was anything I could do to help. With tears in her eyes, she snapped, “Yeah, you can go back in time and keep that appointment you’d made at planned parenthood!” I never had such an appointment and her older brother is a mean asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 16:42 - United States - Flushing

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

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By wtf - 1/7/2017 16:00

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

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By Jackal - 20/8/2019 12:00 - United States - Trumbull

Today, I found out the time I'd requested off for a trip in 2 months, that my boss said that I could go on, wasn't fully processed, just in case he decided I couldn't go. He told me the second part after I'd bought no refund tickets for shows for both me and my girlfriend. FML

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By Jason - 5/2/2018 15:30 - United States - Kenai

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is actually a man. Not a transgender person, I'm okay with that, but an actual gay man who gets a kick out of pranking other guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2017 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, at my first day of work at a new job, I got stuck in the elevator going to the parking garage. I have claustrophobia about both elevators and parking garages. They said this never happens. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 06:28 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2020 14:04

This one simple trick! Doctors hate her!

Today, I received many compliments from my co-workers on the weight I've lost and how nice I look. I haven't slept for the past month, and eating makes me nauseous. I don't have the heart to tell them my secret is anxiety and depression. FML

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By heck - 12/8/2016 13:57

Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test, but I mostly missed the sample cup and got urine all over my pants. FML

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By Anna - 2/7/2009 13:31 - United States

Today, I called back a number I recently missed a call from. To my surprise, it was the number of my boyfriend's fiancé. I've been with him 4 years, he's been with her for 6. Turns out, not only is he a cheating jerk, but technically I'M the other woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2019 18:00 - Canada

I don't understand!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she did not want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By TooQuick - 27/4/2016 12:19 - Mozambique - Maputo

Today, after a 2-hour meeting, I rushed to take an urgent dump. Unbeknownst to me, my urine was not hitting the porcelain bowl, but rather the underside of the lid. As it pooled around the pedestal, it soaked my pants, underwear, and when I stood up to button my pants, it got on my shirt too. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 20:00

Breaking news

Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 18:33 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML

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By Anonyme - 16/5/2014 07:55 - Canada - Saint-jean-de-matha

Today, I finally decided to get my five-year-old son a rabbit, so I explained to him how to take care of it. When I'd finished listing all the things he'd have to do, he replied, "That's too complicated... Couldn't we just eat it instead?" FML

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By estallidos - 23/1/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I got out of the hospital for the second time in a week. The first time was for a seizure that my cat induced by tripping me over. The second was to get stitches from the Doberman that had decided to take over my front yard while I was gone. Apparently I was intruding. FML

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By - 18/12/2018 12:00

Today, after two years of hard work, I finished writing my novel dedicated to my father. I timed everything so that the paperback would arrive at his house just before Christmas, then I booked a flight to surprise him so I could see his reaction in person. He just texted me, my mom told him. FML

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By lauz - 3/10/2009 12:20 - Australia

Today, I slept for the first time with my boyfriend. I'd always imagined it to be a romantic moment. It turned out that 'Saw 5' was on the TV in the background, and the sex was so fantastically tragic that I ended up watching/listening to it, on the sly. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

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By no sir I have not - 8/3/2013 00:35 - United States

Today, I was taking a patient's blood pressure, and listening for his pulse with my stethoscope. I couldn't hear anything, so I adjusted the cuff and tried again. Still no pulse. He pointed out that my stethoscope was the wrong way around and sneered, "You been smokin' the reefer, boy?" FML

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By thismustbewhyivestrivedtobesmart - 15/11/2016 18:25 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while on vacation, my brother asked a native of the area for help. Once he got it, he thanked them with "muchos gracias" in the best Spanish accent he could do. We're in Japan. FML

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By so scared - 8/2/2014 17:13 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

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By ihatemylife - 28/1/2013 01:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, at 24, I still can't grow a single bit of facial hair. Well, at least not on the right side of my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML

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By Mandy93 - 20/12/2012 13:57 - Germany - Reipoltskirchen

Today, my mother has stooped to a new level of "hiding" Christmas gifts. She now just dumps them in the middle of the floor and says, "Don't look at them." If she even thinks I'm glancing in the direction of the pile, she will burst into a manic rage, and yell at me for "ruining the surprise." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

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By Annettedarling - 21/4/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today my dog acted out a scene from Disney with me, by causing me and a member of the opposite sex to fall into a river after tangling our legs with the lead. No, it didn't lead to marriage, just me being yelled at. FML

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By lifesuck - 19/9/2010 14:11 - United States

Today, while at a local river, I had been pulled underwater by a very fast and strong current. While fighting for my life, I had let go of my sandals so I could pull myself up. After explaining to my mom what had happened to me, her response was "YOU LOST YOUR SANDALS!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I forgot to take my wallet off the roof of my car and drove away, onto the highway. A man behind me began flashing his lights and waving his arms. I thought he was freaking out because I cut him off. I flipped him off. He was trying to tell me that all my money was flying down the road. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2013 18:39 - United States - East Northport

Today, at soccer tryouts, the coach made us run the entire practice. I ran the whole two hours ahead of everyone. When the tryout ended, I vomited due to dehydration. I didn't make the team. The coach's reasoning: "Only the weak throw up". FML

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By Golden~ - 1/6/2011 09:20 - Canada

Today, I found out that the school principal takes all the money from the school fund raisers to buy herself donuts. I'd donated over $100. FML

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Top comments

By Emkaye | 0

#361 - Friday 6 February 2009 2:38

It sucks even worse when you're in college and get to live on the poverty diet, then everyone eats your food without telling you.

By lmfp | 0

#47245 - Saturday 21 March 2009 10:12

that sucks. present them with a bill, get your own cabinet and put a lock on it, have a small fridge in your room. oh, and help yourself to whatever food of theirs you want until they pay you back.

COMMENTS

By Emkaye | 0

#361 - Friday 6 February 2009 2:38

It sucks even worse when you're in college and get to live on the poverty diet, then everyone eats your food without telling you.

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#1482 - Thursday 12 February 2009 5:26

mmm delicious bacon

Reply

Valentina_Baby | 7

#986600 - Thursday 29 April 2010 23:32

eat their bacon xD

Reply

krazygirl100 | 9

#2356841 - Saturday 16 April 2011 10:51

all the bacon was gone mmm bacon sorry what was i saying

By Shadow0B | 0

#12932 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:13

*hugs raybandy, crying hysterically*

By jim_witness | 0

#24699 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:33

Cook up some of their clothes and eat with ketchup. That'll teach 'em.

By KiyatsuFox | 0

#34682 - Monday 16 March 2009 15:31

I'd be so pissed off at them. ):

By spitfire921 | 0

#46934 - Saturday 21 March 2009 5:42

i would be so mad!
my sympathies friend!

By lmfp | 0

#47245 - Saturday 21 March 2009 10:12

that sucks. present them with a bill, get your own cabinet and put a lock on it, have a small fridge in your room. oh, and help yourself to whatever food of theirs you want until they pay you back.

By Captainfail | 0

#72773 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 19:32

Well, I loves me my bacon, so sorry about that.

By thefinalpie | 0

#116377 - Thursday 16 April 2009 18:49

Your roomate ate your bacon? END HIM!

By foonja | 0

#267366 - Thursday 4 June 2009 23:47

So go get some.........