Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's... - FML

By killmyself - United States

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

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Out of it

Everyone's an expert

One law for me…

By my back hurts - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, I spent a large portion of the afternoon playing hide and seek with the door-to-door salesman who saw me sneak in the back door and won't stop knocking. No amount of hiding behind the couch will make him go away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by putting a post-it note on my locker that said "consider yourself dumped". FML

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By Unreciprocated - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML

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By ok then

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

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By selfishsexysanta - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By Bec - Australia

Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML

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By sprained neck

Today, I had whiplash after my dad and I were rear ended by a suburban. Despite the state trooper saying I should go, my dad delayed taking me to the ER because he wanted to pick up the dog from "doggy daycare" and take her for a nice long walk, while I waited for my mom to come home. FML

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By atleastwedidntdie

Today, I was supposed to be sipping margaritas on a beach in Mexico. Too bad we only made it 37 miles before getting in a car accident. FML

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By unicornlove - 17/7/2020 20:01

No soup for you

Today, I was bringing a table a bowl of soup at my waitressing job. A new customer taking off his coat threw his elbow out, violently knocking the soup out of my hands and onto his baby in a highchair. The baby screamed; I had a panic attack. FML

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By soul0eater - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was at the mall and I saw a kid crying. I asked her "What's wrong sweetie, are you lost?" She ran away screaming "Help me!" I ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that I'm not a perv. FML

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By miss_peppermint

Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pennsville

Today, my parents refused to give my daughter her Christmas presents as an act of revenge against her father. FML

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By sad drummer - United States - La Jolla

Today, the lead singer of the band I recently joined blatantly admitted to a fan that the only reason he let me in was because I'm "so fuckin' ugly" that I make the rest of them look "ten times better" in comparison. FML

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By Jarryd - Australia

Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML

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By Lesbian

Today I took my girlfriend to the cafe where we had our first date, with the intention of proposing. Moments before I took the ring out, some sleazy old guy said "how are you two fine babes single on a Saturday?" He refused to leave us alone even when we said we were on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working out in the gym, I spotted a very attractive girl. I decided to pick up the heaviest dumbbell to show off how much I could curl. She ended up driving me to the hospital because I burst into tears after tearing up my bicep and deltoid. FML

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By lying fuck! - 22/6/2020 14:02

Shameless

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

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By single once again - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I found out my boyfriend has an account on a sex hookup site. He said it has "interesting articles" and that he'd completed his profile and listed his sexual preferences out of boredom. When I told him to sign in and prove he hadn't been messaging girls, he refused and called me paranoid. FML

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By BaliTheDog - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

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By augh

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm gay. She sympathetically patted my back and told me I don't need to make up excuses for me being so unattractive to women. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Jacare

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 12/7/2020 08:01

Boom!

Today, I was laying with my cat when someone set off a firework next to my window. Now I have stitches and a bed covered in blood. FML

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By malcolmXXX - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today was also the day I had a very important meeting. They think I showed up stoned. FML

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By Shelle - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

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By Glutton for Punishment. - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

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By he's not the one going to hell - Australia

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

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By SelfServiced - United States - San Francisco

Today, while having some "personal" time, I felt intense pleasure and moaned. I learned that my own moaning prevents me from reaching my peak. I'm my own turn off. FML

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By The Christmas Grinch - Canada

Today, I woke up to my yard covered in snow, Christmas music playing loudly, and my noisy, obnoxious aunt and her three year old twin daughters playing and screaming. They're going to be living with us until after the winter holidays. It's only November 18th. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

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By rewarded - India

Today, for the second time in 5 months I was recognized for my hard work, sincerity and all the adjectives that they use to describe good employees. What was my reward? A piece of chocolate. FML

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By desocrates - United States

Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. I have been out of town for 3 days. FML

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By treehouse

Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a family gathering, my aunt asked me when I was planning to have children. I'm only 16, I laughed and said not for a while, definitely not until I get married. My family shook their heads, and ignored me for the rest of the day. Apparently, teenage pregnancy is valued in my family. FML

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By muffdriver - United States

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

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By achoooo - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

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By - 29/12/2020 18:00

Parents love

Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

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By nd.11 - Canada

Today, I was on the city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling at my jacket. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say "stop chewing on that!" FML

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By Natalie - United States - Odessa

Today, my father, who's never played much part in my life, told me how proud he is of me. I choked back tears, and we hugged for the first time in years. Later, I choked back my rage when I saw he'd opened my mail and obviously planned on leeching my new-found SSI money off me. FML

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By Hopeless - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and he was very upset, crying that he had been betrayed. He then began to explain that his friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend. I asked why he was so upset, and he said he still loved her, and really thought they were going to be able to work things out. FML

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Top comments

By 2random | 0

#1037 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:30

hahahaha!!! loser!

By maiden_girl | 5

#2119 - Saturday 14 February 2009 12:57

Next time lock yourself in the bathroom and if you knock yourself out again no one will see you...

COMMENTS

By 2random | 0

#1037 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:30

hahahaha!!! loser!

Reply

Loosechange | 0

#993863 - Saturday 15 May 2010 6:14

He is not just a loser he is gross person who jacks off in his brothers room. If you share it at least use the bathroom or something even though you should not at all because it is really sad. Grow up and get the real thing YDI.

Reply

rangermedic77 | 5

#2435244 - Saturday 30 April 2011 20:09

lol look at this kid saying the op needs to get the real thing^ bro I bet you've never even talked to a girl.

Reply

pedosmurf | 7

#4122479 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:12

They were proud right?

By maiden_girl | 5

#2119 - Saturday 14 February 2009 12:57

Next time lock yourself in the bathroom and if you knock yourself out again no one will see you...

Reply

badluckalex | 23

#5949028 - Sunday 18 May 2014 12:32

has this happened to you before?

By jimsaco | 0

#2209 - Saturday 14 February 2009 21:44

Oh come on. What, did you knock youself into a coma!

By Eir_fml | 1

#3357 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 14:25

That's an awesome story.

By Doesuff | 0

#14535 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 18:10

I don't understand how people just pass out like that? I agree with #10

Reply

1215116a | 14

#2516209 - Monday 16 May 2011 2:05

How did you agree with #10 of you're #9?

Reply

ArcherCLW | 8

#5517482 - Sunday 2 June 2013 13:37

Don't ask, just agree with this time lord.

By germ159 | 0

#16242 - Thursday 5 March 2009 16:37

I have a bunk bed too....with my brother..you just made me scared 2 go to sleep now..and i sleep on the top..

By xsydbabyx | 0

#55999 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 22:01

That's why porn is for the internets (: the computer shuts off after a while and you look innocent! Not...that I would know or anything.
- S.

By greenearth | 0

#64121 - Saturday 28 March 2009 4:37

^ you fail

By mellowyellowww | 0

#65436 - Saturday 28 March 2009 21:36

oh wow bunk beds and porn mags and getting caught, OH MY!!! :p

locks.

always lock the door.

By wow_just_wow | 0

#68158 - Sunday 29 March 2009 22:49

nxt time try a bathroom with a lock