Love: Today, I told my boyfriend that I was going to stop drinking,...

By sober - 10/07/2012 03:40 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was going to stop drinking, since I have been having some problems with alcohol and some of my relatives are alcoholics. He later broke up with me, saying he couldn't be with someone who "chose to be boring." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 955

You deserved it 3 396

Love

Our house, in the middle of our street

Dementia or hate? You decide

Trans women are women

Always wear protective gear

By Anonymous - 06/06/2020 14:02

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 527

You deserved it 610

By mafiaguy800 - 27/08/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 126

By amiliaroberts123 - 15/10/2012 00:45 - United States - Raphine

Today, I was babysitting, and we were playing a game. Because he was little, I let him win all the games. He then turned to me and said, "You're really bad at this." I got very defensive and won the next game, and was actually proud that I beat a 3-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 281

You deserved it 8 892

By Devin - 02/08/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 019

You deserved it 5 936

By Anonymous - 08/09/2015 22:33 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I'm self-conscious about my B-cup breasts. About 20 minutes later, he pointed to another girl with a small chest and said, "See, you're not the only one with small tits!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 750

You deserved it 2 855

By ugh.. - 09/08/2009 15:27 - United States

Today, while working at my life guard job, I noticed a girl bouncing on one foot over to the pool. Afraid she would trip, I whistled at her and harshly yelled "NO running or messing around on the pool deck!" She removed her towel, revealing her legs. Or leg, she only had one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 308

You deserved it 21 357

By Yo mom - 27/12/2011 07:12 - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 665

You deserved it 54 924

Excuuuuuuse me?

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 13:32 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 170

You deserved it 11 436

By Juanald - 05/11/2017 05:00

Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 590

You deserved it 362

By WhoLikesPie - 25/07/2015 15:51 - United States - Tampa

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 230

You deserved it 2 081

By Anonymous - 06/05/2013 08:35 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 628

You deserved it 6 581

By Username - 06/10/2010 21:59 - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 990

You deserved it 28 650

By I'm Not Dead Yet - 09/06/2014 19:37 - United States - Tucson

Today, I put my headphones on and laid down to relax to some music. I fell asleep, and woke up later to a police officer busting into my house. My neighbor had been knocking on my door, then looked through my window and saw me on my couch, and was convinced I'd died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 446

You deserved it 5 190

By storyofmylife - 23/02/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. Everything was going perfectly, right up until he brought me back to his house to tell his family the good news. When I excused myself to the restroom, I overheard his mom say, "I thought you were going to break up with that stupid slut?" Welcome to the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 413

You deserved it 3 985

By Taylor - 20/07/2012 18:23 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wear makeup much. Expecting him to say something about my natural beauty, I replied with an honest "no." His smiled softly, gently squeezed my shoulder, and said, "Maybe you should." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 301

You deserved it 3 717

Trust

By Goodtimes - 01/10/2019 20:01

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 01/07/2016 16:23 - Sweden - Alings?s

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 304

You deserved it 1 839

By Simms - 14/03/2012 02:32 - United States

Today, I got back to work at my hospital after some sick leave. The first jackass to waste my time was a guy with leg lacerations. This, he claimed, was because he tried to break a samurai sword over his leg as part of a bet. It's day one and already I want to kill myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 469

You deserved it 6 442

By dry spell - 02/07/2013 16:17 - United States - Belfair

Today, my mom stole the condoms out of my room and gave them to my little brother because I "won't be needing them anytime soon". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 174

You deserved it 4 775

By Anonymous - 05/05/2017 02:00

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my new car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 381

You deserved it 507

By Anonymous - 08/12/2013 20:39 - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 958

You deserved it 5 770

By notguilty - 15/08/2009 23:24 - United States

Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 370

You deserved it 22 895

By awkward O_o - 24/04/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 655

You deserved it 4 902

Thanks, I hate it!

By Anja - 03/02/2021 03:30

Today, I was having a horrible day and messaged a friend to vent. She replied with, "Eat a cookie" and proceeded to send me a picture with a "motivational" quote from her buddhistic spiritual leader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 615

You deserved it 219

By Ryan - 18/12/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I was taking an important exam for Calculus. Out of nowhere, the kid behind me starts violently kicking my desk. I quickly turn around and yell at him. He was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 463

You deserved it 10 896

By lafinesse - 14/05/2012 22:23

Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 559

You deserved it 4 518

The truth

By vmml97 - 17/08/2009 21:16 - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. He then fired me. Upset, I asked him, "Well, who's gonna replace me?" His answer was, "I don't know and don't care. Everyone who works here hates you. Now go away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 809

You deserved it 25 303

By rhythmbandit - 09/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 054

You deserved it 4 067

By broke and hungry - 30/05/2015 18:53 - United States - West New York

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 361

You deserved it 5 515

Not cool

By ash203 - 12/12/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss's 13-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 278

You deserved it 50 094

By notpreggo - 01/05/2017 12:00

Today, I was taking my 3-month-old nephew for a walk in his stroller, when a lady stopped me to coo over him. Then she patted my stomach and said, "Don't worry, you'll lose the baby weight soon". I've never had a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 929

You deserved it 680

By Coley - 29/01/2009 22:46 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 889

You deserved it 3 607

By snotface - 23/04/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 336

You deserved it 8 798

By Anonymous - 07/10/2010 19:28 - United States

Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 122

You deserved it 5 949

Word salad

By Mardy Shaber - 19/12/2020 20:02

Today, my dad was so dizzy, he couldn't get out of bed. I called his doctor but sadly I confused the word "vertigo" with "libido." The doctor may have been impressed but offered me no helpful suggestions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 600

You deserved it 353

And I oop

By easygoing765 - 06/06/2021 11:01

Today, I found out the girl I hit on at the store I work at is my second cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 216

By hopelesscollegestudent - 21/09/2012 16:22 - Canada

Today, I asked my college chemistry teacher for some much-needed help. Instead of explaining anything to me, she scoffed that if I don't understand something, I should "just Google it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 964

You deserved it 2 006

By backseatbusted - 21/05/2013 16:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 705

You deserved it 12 960

By moetplease - 03/05/2012 16:32 - Singapore

Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 658

You deserved it 3 806

By Marty - 24/08/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 510

You deserved it 2 584

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

callie123amy 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 9:10

He is the boring one because he thinks you need alcohol to have a good time!

Meowingtons500 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 9:10

I'm sorry OP. Don't listen to that turtle dick. I know plenty of exciting sober people. Good for you for making an effort! Good luck!

callie123amy 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 9:10

He is the boring one because he thinks you need alcohol to have a good time!

TinyEMT 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 10:30

Good point! I have more fun being sober because I actually know what's going on. And you don't have to deal with a nasty hangover. :P

Sir_drink_alot 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 10:32

No one needs alcohol to have a good time, but why start a fire by rubbing two sticks together when you can use matches and a fire starter

Lilwolfyyy 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 18:57

Says Sir_Drink_Alot.

PandaKitteh 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 20:29

Yeah, good for you OP. You made a good choice and your boyfriend should've supported you! Eff him man :P

Calyx_fml 21

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 21:17

You don't need alcohol to have a good time. You need bath salts.

CapnCapes 4

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:43

If you need alcohol to have fun, you're probably pretty boring. You're better off without him.

evilplatypus 38

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:11

I think it's more fun to be sober; you get to laugh at all the dumbasses as they embarrass themselves by underestimating how drunk they are AND you'll actually remember it in the morning.

JKr3slEMO 5

Send a private message

Friday 13 July 2012 22:44

Hey you can be fun gun when your sober..Ronnie Radke's sober now and he's still awesome:D

Briscuit 24

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 9:11

Keep at it, OP. Think of it this way, your health in the long run or some inconsiderate boyfriend?

Meowingtons500 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 9:10

I'm sorry OP. Don't listen to that turtle dick. I know plenty of exciting sober people. Good for you for making an effort! Good luck!

xlorawrz 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 9:43

Turtle dick? You made my day.

Cat_Daniels 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 15:15

IK I am twenty and I have never drunk a drop of alcohol in my life. It's not that hard to not even start drinking it...

DynamicDave 11

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 23:24

I'm with 78! I'm 23 and have never had a sip of alcohol. I simply don't see the point in risking going down that road. Straight edge for life!

evilplatypus 38

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:12

Straight edge to me says "I don't know how to do things in moderation, so I just won't do anything." It's significantly more impressive to try something and then quit than it is to simply never do something.

jordngerardot 1

Send a private message

Thursday 12 July 2012 9:39

That's retarded. Nobody is trying to impress anybody. It's not a talent show. Alcoholism is a serious problem. So because someone is afraid to slip down a slippery slop, does not mean it is a bad idea to not try it at all. It's safe and if people can enjoy life without it then they should by all means stay alcohol free.

yupperz23 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 9:13

Better without him :)

Mideoyeo 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:28

Agreed, you're so much better off with out someone who won't support good life long decisions! Good luck to you!(:

gage27 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 9:06

If only he realized he can be high in life....

yahoowizard 16

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 10:32

Yes, that's exactly what to take out of this FML. If you don't want to get drunk, be high

SoberLiving 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 10:45

Too bad being high is just not nearly as good

IOmnomHard 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 11:10

I think #1 meant he can be high on life, as in, have fun without alcohol.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 11:25

If that's all he sees in you, then he's not worth it. He is supposed to be enjoying you as you are, without any external influences.

jweezy89 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 11:26

Not as good? Being high is better! No nasty hangover, usually doesn't end in a vomit pool, and it won't become physically addictive. Yes it can be addictive mentally, but so can any action that you derive joy from. (this comment was posted with marijuana in mind for those examples)

Senseless_487 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 11:37

Unless you're allergic to the cannabanoids, which is a huge bummer...

dude1122332 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:00

I guess you didn't realize there is a top button on your shirt.

Snazzy_Snaz 17

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:38

When ur drunk you end up vomiting and having a shitty hangover. You have no idea whats happening. When ur high, ur in a magical wonderland filled with unicorns shitting rainbows and crazy shit.

efemel94 7

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 July 2012 3:05

Drinking top tips: eat a metric fuck tonne before hand (dominoes large pepperoni is ideal). Pace yourself (you don't drink all at the beginning or all at the end, but just throughout the evening). Stick to one staple drink (e.g cider or beer) and one form of shot as mixing with almost certainly get messy. When you get home drink a load of water (helps stop the hangover) and eat a fuck load of crisps/bread or anything absorbent. With these top tips you should be chunder/hangover free!

MDTeddy 13

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 July 2012 19:29

Nobody should drink, but the weird people do apparently thinking it is cool. If you switch it with a soda then it isn't cool. You know you are weird if you are one of the loud people who make noise hanging on a balcony holding what most likely is a 3rd cup of alcohol. I am glad I don't drink and hang out with friends like that. Op made a good choice to stay sober.

efemel94 7

Send a private message

Thursday 12 July 2012 3:26

People drink because it's fun, not because it looks cool.

Cloudberry 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 9:19

He's an idiot if he thinks drinking alcohol is the only way a person is fun. .-.

ManInTheMachine 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 13:42

My apologies. I was replying to that vernk kid (the one on a Caps-Lock rage) who was bitching about not getting an FML published, but the mods deleted it, and here I am.