Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance... - FML

By Concert Flatulent - United States - Marshall

Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance I had to fart really bad, so I decided to try and sneak it in while the orchestra was playing a loud exciting part. Just as I let it rip, there was a dramatic pause in the music. Everyone heard. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

Intense

Persona non grata

By whyme - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

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By Anonymous

With friends like her, who needs money?

Today, I maxed out my credit card trying to help a friend of over 19 years to go see her family for Christmas, only to find out she changed her mind and doesn’t really want to go. I can’t return the bus tickets, and she’s mad at me. FML

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By scalmon - United States

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

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By pontwa - Australia

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

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By jogger - United States

Today, I was jogging when a woman ran out of her house and handed me an invitation for a party. What was the invitation for? A weight loss treatment party. Guess the jogging isn't working. FML

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By Idontknowwhattodo - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

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By Mimi - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

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By justwow - United Kingdom

Today, I must be the only person who has been taking the contraceptive pill for six years without ever needing to use it as a contraceptive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was seeing my boyfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. I was so excited to see him that I gave him a big hug. He must have been excited to see me too, because he hugged me so tight that he squeezed a fart out of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom drove me to football practice. On the way she told me that she thought I was gay and that my friend was my lover. After 15 agonizing minutes of this, we get to my practice only to be greeted by my shirtless friend wearing a pink bandana saying "Man, you hit me hard last night." FML

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By Anonymous

Sexy time

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

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By Dog fart - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

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By arrrrggggghhhh - United States

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

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By JackieD - United States - Bellevue

Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 23:02 - Germany - Köln

Yummy

Today, I discovered that 90% of what I do still works on autopilot when I’m too tired to pay attention: Take coffee cup, walk to fridge, open fridge door, grab bottle, pour contents into coffee. The missing 10% was the fact that this particular bottle contained grapefruit juice. FML

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By Cirese Summerrose

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out I have herpes. I'm 9 months pregnant and have only been with my husband. It just so happens that our roommate just got over herpes. I thought they were just spending time together, bonding. FML

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By Ihadnoidea - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while working at a gas station, I accidentally changed the price of gas to 8.9 cents per litre. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out why everyone wanted only two or three dollars of gas. I fixed it, but now my managers are debating charging me for lost revenue. FML

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By imahater07

Today, my family decided to break tradition and wake up at midnight to open presents. I didn't find out until I went downstairs to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, and found wrapping paper and empty boxes everywhere. FML

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By love you too mommy - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

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By baby_trex_arms - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

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By Chubby - United States - Lake Worth

Today, my grandmother came to visit and asked me, "Did you change your hair, or are you just fatter now?" FML

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By none - United States

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1pm, smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4am, jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

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By Blackberry - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

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By Henry - Norway

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

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By neilmalik - United States - Murrieta

Today, at work, I had a crease in my pants. Everyone thought I had a boner. Later in the day, when I actually had one, no one could tell. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cornwall

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

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By AnnaWusHere - United States

Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in physics class, my teacher was messing around with an air cannon and I accidentally blurted out, "Blow me!" It took me all of 5 seconds to realize why everyone was laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

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By Paicked - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML

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By Upfront - United States - Denver

Today, I confronted my very passive-aggressive roommate about taking out the trash. With a smug smile, she insisted that I should write her a letter if I want to argue. FML

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By Anonanon - United Kingdom

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with for months. Immediately after he gave me the 'let's just be friends' speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

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By Clumsy

Today, while baby-proofing the stairs so that my toddler wouldn't fall, I slipped on his toy car, broke the brand new gate while grabbing it so I wouldn't fall down the stairs, and broke my wrist and a rib. My husband should mom-proof the house for me now. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I discovered my mom had sold all of our summer clothes over the winter on eBay because we're short on cash. However, I am allowed to cut off the sleeves of all my long sleeve shirts and the legs off my jeans to stay cool in the summer. Nothing's more attractive than looking trashy, right? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a fork hit me in the eye. I was holding it. I didn't even get to eat my chicken. FML

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By jonasister - Sweden - Lund

Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML

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By vansboy

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4671708 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:21

So you play a woodwind?

By zachherbert | 10

#4671711 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:22

"That's one weird sounding tuba..."

COMMENTS

By zachherbert | 10

#4671706 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:20

He's just adding percussion.

By DocBastard | 38

#4671708 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:21

So you play a woodwind?

Reply

MrBrightside21 | 20

#4671888 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 14:19

I thought he was playing percussion...

On his butt bongos.

Reply

wetFeline | 3

#4672789 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 18:06

No all he did was spray microscopic shit and gas out his ass

Reply

BulldogHoops | 14

#4672867 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 18:28

I don't remember the last time I read a DocBastard comment withiut laughing. You are an FML legend!

Reply

efemel94 | 7

#4674620 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:58

The arsehole is nature's flute.

Reply

AnneeSo | 6

#4678259 - Thursday 12 July 2012 6:47

LOL!!! That's a good one!!!

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#4685649 - Saturday 14 July 2012 8:34

Oh, DocBastard. Always making my day with that sense of humour of his.

Reply

Zufallian | 34

#6608143 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 18:49

That's actually a brass that makes the farting noise.

By zachherbert | 10

#4671711 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:22

"That's one weird sounding tuba..."

Reply

skullofdarkness | 18

#4674216 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:45

Orchestra is just stringed instruments such as violin, cello, sit down bass, etc. no tuba unless it's a symphony orchestra.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4674590 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:50

Aaannnnd Mr.JokeKill makes his appearance.

Reply

brill33 | 7

#4674820 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:17

Actually, that is a string orchestra, orchestra's consist of string as well as wind instruments

By Ecstasyyy | 3

#4671718 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:25

You are definitely sneaky.

Reply

SpartanCEL | 6

#5539077 - Monday 17 June 2013 16:27

About as sneaky as Brock trying to get nurse Joy

By shayshayshazam | 14

#4671720 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:26

You have excellent timing.

Reply

ColdplaySucks | 18

#4672951 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 18:43

Timing a fart takes skill.

By blaackandprouud | 20

#4671732 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:31

Music to my ears OP.

By Tezoma | 28

#4671745 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:37

Did they thank you for contributing to their performance?

Reply

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4671779 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 13:01

"We'd like to thank everyone thart came out tonight espically (OP's name) for sharing their unknowm musicianal talent!"

Reply

jonjak | 7

#4674800 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:08

Haha

By KaylaDawnn | 5

#4671750 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:39

That's when you politely get up and walk out.

Reply

KM96 | 24

#4671760 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:43

But wouldn't even more people stare?

By iTransform | 8

#4671753 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:39

Blame it on the tuba player, everyone knows they blow hard enough into it to accidentally let a few rip

Reply

ALpein | 0

#4673336 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 19:54

Of course! That's common knowledge to us all.

By TwentyFourXXIV | 13

#4671765 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:48

Thats when you say "continue the solo tuba player you're doing great!"