Miscellaneous: Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance... - FML

By Concert Flatulent - United States - Marshall

Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance I had to fart really bad, so I decided to try and sneak it in while the orchestra was playing a loud exciting part. Just as I let it rip, there was a dramatic pause in the music. Everyone heard. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Triage

Egg mode

By WoWWidow - United States

Today, my husband went in for surgery and handed me an important document. It wasn't a will or anything similar, but a list of items and gold he wanted passed on to guild members on World of Warcraft. FML

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By oh gee

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

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By SterlingEnigma - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

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By oh, feck off - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

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By Gross... - United States

Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML

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By snowman - United States

Today, right before a huge snowstorm hit our area, I broke up with my girlfriend. In her fury, she decided to grab my car keys and roll down all four windows in my car. I now have 2 feet of half melted snow in my backseat. FML

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By Shirley - United States

Today, while out for our romantic Valentine's dinner, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years told me that he believes in females being subservient, that I'm not allowed to have opinions anymore, that he is "the alpha dog" and I'm merely the "beta dog", and that I have to "get used to it." FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

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By deserved - United States

Today, after feeling fat and ugly and a bit depressed, I logged on to Facebook to see my boyfriend had posted "I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world!" I 'liked' it and commented "Aww thank you baby!" I logged in later to see that he commented back saying "I didn't mean you." FML

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By creedonfied - United States - Billerica

Today, I was playing with my cat. I tried to put him on my stomach, but he refused to stay put. Ever since I lost weight, he won't lay with me or purr. I think my fat was the only thing he liked about me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

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By AD240Z

Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML

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By Dr_Dolittle - United Kingdom

Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML

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By helenablitz - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, my daughter asked me how long she had to put her 2-minute noodles in the microwave for. FML

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By diapermommy - United States

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

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By can't win - Australia

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

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By Matt

Today, I got a call saying I was successful in my interview to be a pizza delivery driver. As I picked up my contract and got in my car, I reversed sideways into a pole and ripped off my front bumper. The manager came out and helped jam the bumper in so I could make it home. FML

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By Katt - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend on the lobby's couch. We were not paying attention to anything but each other. Apparently, someone tied our shoes together. I stood up and faceplanted into a pool table. I'm now missing two teeth. FML

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By CASH_NoMOMEY - United States - Windsor

Today, my main source of income is finding money on the ground. FML

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By today

Today, I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man "discreetly" jerking it. FML

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By Sallyfromtheseashore - United States

Today, I wrote a long wall post on my teachers wall on facebook including how much of a douche I thought she was, I wasn't planning on posting it but did on accident, so I quickly deleted it. I felt pretty clever. Did you know facebook sends you emails including what was written on the post? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

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By imnotcool - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw a cop come up behind me. Nervous about my expired license, I kept checking in my rear view mirror. In turn since I wasn't paying attention, I ran a stop sign. Needless to say the cop pulled me over and gave me 2 tickets. FML

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By Addison - Canada - Kingston

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

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By tima

* backs away slowly *

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

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By firecrotch - United States

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

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By MereLewis95 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called me urgently from the kitchen. Thinking she was hurt, I ran to her as fast as possible. She threw a wet cloth at my head and ran away, laughing her face off. FML

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By needanewride - United States - Newton Center

Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail when an old man started rubbing his crotch across my hand. I moved my hand but he moved too and kept doing it. When I moved my hand higher, he started licking it. I had to wait ten minutes for the next stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

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By karmamaybe - United States - Vermillion

Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML

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By Jaime and Cersei sittin in a tree - 4/11/2020 13:02 - United States - Madison

Family values

Today, I complimented my girlfriend on her new, very detailed bikini wax. She proudly said, "Thanks! Troy’s been doing them for me since the all the salons have been locked down." Troy is her brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 17:01 - Canada

Slow down

Today, after months of ultrasounds and blood tests, I found out that the pain I've been feeling in my ovaries is actually just sore muscles from flicking my bean every night. FML

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By photoman - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was informed by a laughing friend, that my phone must be taking and uploading photos to Google+. Among numerous black shots, there is a particularly nice one of me while I'm sitting on the toilet. FML

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By fuckingtrollingskankwhoreshitwankcuntfuck - United States - Enfield

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when a girl came out of nowhere, screaming at me for cheating on her, and saying she was dumping me. I've never seen her before, and she was almost grinning during her little act, but my girlfriend believed it, and I'm now single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought my family would like it if I celebrated the new year with them. My brother thought that I'd like him to shoot my butt with his new gun in celebration. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had a job interview but couldn't find my car keys. I had searched the entire apartment and had missed the interview. Turns out they were in my pocket the entire time. FML

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By all5fingers - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4671708 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:21

So you play a woodwind?

By zachherbert | 10

#4671711 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:22

"That's one weird sounding tuba..."

COMMENTS

By zachherbert | 10

#4671706 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:20

He's just adding percussion.

By DocBastard | 38

#4671708 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:21

So you play a woodwind?

Reply

MrBrightside21 | 20

#4671888 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 14:19

I thought he was playing percussion...

On his butt bongos.

Reply

wetFeline | 3

#4672789 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 18:06

No all he did was spray microscopic shit and gas out his ass

Reply

BulldogHoops | 14

#4672867 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 18:28

I don't remember the last time I read a DocBastard comment withiut laughing. You are an FML legend!

Reply

efemel94 | 7

#4674620 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:58

The arsehole is nature's flute.

Reply

AnneeSo | 6

#4678259 - Thursday 12 July 2012 6:47

LOL!!! That's a good one!!!

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#4685649 - Saturday 14 July 2012 8:34

Oh, DocBastard. Always making my day with that sense of humour of his.

Reply

Zufallian | 34

#6608143 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 18:49

That's actually a brass that makes the farting noise.

By zachherbert | 10

#4671711 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:22

"That's one weird sounding tuba..."

Reply

skullofdarkness | 18

#4674216 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 0:45

Orchestra is just stringed instruments such as violin, cello, sit down bass, etc. no tuba unless it's a symphony orchestra.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4674590 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 2:50

Aaannnnd Mr.JokeKill makes his appearance.

Reply

brill33 | 7

#4674820 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:17

Actually, that is a string orchestra, orchestra's consist of string as well as wind instruments

By Ecstasyyy | 3

#4671718 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:25

You are definitely sneaky.

Reply

SpartanCEL | 6

#5539077 - Monday 17 June 2013 16:27

About as sneaky as Brock trying to get nurse Joy

By shayshayshazam | 14

#4671720 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:26

You have excellent timing.

Reply

ColdplaySucks | 18

#4672951 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 18:43

Timing a fart takes skill.

By blaackandprouud | 20

#4671732 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:31

Music to my ears OP.

By Tezoma | 28

#4671745 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:37

Did they thank you for contributing to their performance?

Reply

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4671779 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 13:01

"We'd like to thank everyone thart came out tonight espically (OP's name) for sharing their unknowm musicianal talent!"

Reply

jonjak | 7

#4674800 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 4:08

Haha

By KaylaDawnn | 5

#4671750 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:39

That's when you politely get up and walk out.

Reply

KM96 | 24

#4671760 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:43

But wouldn't even more people stare?

By iTransform | 8

#4671753 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:39

Blame it on the tuba player, everyone knows they blow hard enough into it to accidentally let a few rip

Reply

ALpein | 0

#4673336 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 19:54

Of course! That's common knowledge to us all.

By TwentyFourXXIV | 13

#4671765 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 12:48

Thats when you say "continue the solo tuba player you're doing great!"