Animals: Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to find out that my cat had secretly eaten all of my fish while I was cleaning the tank. FML

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Animals

Empathy lives

Walk the line

Alexa, play "Charmless Man" by Blur

By nicolo - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By prisym

Today, I found the $3,200 engagement ring I dropped in my yard. I ran over it with my lawnmower. FML

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By Anonymous - Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

Double take

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

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By rained - Hong Kong

Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML

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By nipped - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocklin

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

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By BGood - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend at a grocery store. We haven't seen each other since we broke up a few months ago, and when he introduced me, he called me by the wrong name. We dated for three years. FML

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By -__-" - United States - Vancouver

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

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By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

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By bthms - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

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By Guntherdog - United States

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By ohtheirony

Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I pulled an all-nighter to finish rereading my set work for my English exam. I managed to finish earlier than expected and decided to get some sleep. I then promptly slept through my alarm and missed my exam. FML

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By Notaplacetogo - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." FML

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By buttpicker - United States

Pull!

Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML

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By DesignNerd

Today, my best friend excitedly told me all about this new video game she'd just discovered that she thought I'd love. It was her Xmas present from me 2 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stepped away from my desk for a few minutes only to return to find the general manager installing updates on my computer. This wouldn't have been an issue had I not pulled up a website explaining in great detail the effects and causes of vaginal yeast infections. FML

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By DanJames24

Family jewels

Today, while on the bus, I had to stand as all the seats were taken. I was standing behind a group of small girls who were messing around with their bags. As they were swinging them, one hit me square in the nuts with her elbow. The girl said, “Wise up, I hardly touched you.” I missed my stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 23:01 - United States - San Jose

Looks like we made it… Oh.

Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

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By Ewt - Canada - Victoria

Not a joke!

Today, I found out that my best friend does not wash her hands after going to the bathroom, even if she changes her pad. I then remembered all the times she handed food to me, and teased me when I tried to wash my hands first. FML

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By GHTD - United Kingdom

Today, at work, whilst on hold to an important client, I said to my co-workers "F*cking hell, this woman sounds high as a kite". I heard a cough on the other end of the phone. All calls are recorded. FML

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By AppState - United States

Today, my dad had gotten a new cell phone. So I started to mess around with the cool features on his phone and stumbled upon some pictures he had taken. Next thing I know I'm looking at my mom going down on my dad. FML

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By dumped and dusted - United States

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

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By pedestrian - United States

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

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By shouldbehappyiguess - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, a coworker complimented me on losing weight, and said that she wished she could drop a few pounds too. I was too embarrassed to tell her that the only reason I've lost weight is because I haven't been able to afford to eat. FML

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By collegegrad - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I read an article about the top 10 worst jobs this year. This list includes my degree and three of my main skills and interests. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Calexico

Today, I decided to turn my life around and start exercising more. I didn't even make it out the door before I tripped and fractured my ankle. FML

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By Nutty - United States

Shush

Today, I was sitting next to this cute guy on an airplane who I had started talking to. There was still an empty seat between us and it seemed like there weren't any more passengers boarding the plane. I then asked out loud, "I wonder if anyone will sit between us?" He replied "I hope so." FML

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By nomoresbfun - United States

Today, I found out that my most amazing spring break ever, will be spent stuck on a ship with my ex. It's been almost two years, and he still isn't over me. Yay. This cruise shall be fun. FML

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By headache - United States

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By sarahhbear - United States - Bryan

Today, my older brother thought it would be hilarious to sneak up and scare me in the grocery aisle at the store. I screamed and jumped, knocking half the shelf's contents all over the floor. We're now banned from the only grocery store in town. FML

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By Embarrassed daughter.. - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

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By somerandomchick - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

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By danii - Reserved

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom

Life is unfair…

Today, I was caught up in an armed robbery and after talking to the cops, my boss cut my pay for being 2 hours late. After I trudged home and told my parents, they are now forcing me to sleep in a tent in the garden, just in case the robber gave me COVID. FML

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By bbbbb - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I slipped on a crayon a little girl threw on the floor, causing me to drop the tray of water I was carrying, making me spill it all over her. After getting cussed out by her mom, I was fired for making a customer unhappy. FML

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By locked out - United States - Marion

Today, I called a locksmith to unlock my car. He got it unlocked, but broke the handle so the door wouldn’t open. We had to break a window to get in. He still charged me his usual fee. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2021 23:01

Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML

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Top comments

By Chris5146 | 3

#2182309 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:01

eat the cat
teach it a lesson.

By marinus_fml | 19

#2182378 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:12

Your cat never watched Nemo? Fish are friends, not food!

COMMENTS

By hellosir23 | 0

#2182278 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 0:58

u are a fish

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2182434 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:21

A gay fish.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2182478 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:30

who likes fish sticks

fl0ffy | 0

#2182629 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:03

haha I don't have a cat so it can't eat my fish

LOLOLOLOLOLOL123 | 2

#2182652 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:07

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE FISH DIE YOU STANKY PUSSY

Adorlee | 11

#2182681 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:12

Gay fish who likes fish sticks with lots of tarter sauce

donkeyshlong42 | 1

#2182839 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:40

and whale seamen

shannyraelynn | 6

#2183164 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:22

that makes me sad :(

sandiiii | 0

#2183194 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:41

you're picture makes me happy ^.^ xD

persianjr1 | 7

#2183282 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:18

i can speak whale. woooohhhhhaaaaaa!!! moahhhhh. ( guess the reference)

C6Racer | 0

#2183287 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:22

That sounded a little orca-ish.

ImmortalKratos | 0

#2183632 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:48

well...at least it won't get dirty again anytime soon

WOW_BS | 0

#2183911 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 8:07

I already jizzed...

Criminalle | 0

#2184365 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 11:00

thats what u get for owning a cat.....if it was "Man's best friend" do you think that woulda happened? nooooooo

Iskaria | 0

#2184596 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 12:45

No the dog would have just drank the water :p

AshRedPokemon | 2

#2184629 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 13:01

u fail!

dinkibus | 18

#2184879 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 14:37

but the fish would be like wet kibble and just be eaten

By silvershadow13 | 3

#2182300 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:00

what a naughty pussy

rpace35 | 0

#2183748 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:18

cats are only good for target practice

tulsafml | 0

#2190588 - Wednesday 16 March 2011 22:35

Fuck that cat. Get a dog

By Chris5146 | 3

#2182309 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:01

eat the cat
teach it a lesson.

Itstherealjen | 0

#2182467 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:27

hahahaha
good one!

preetss | 0

#2183081 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 3:36

you can't the cat is poisonous

natewill113 | 0

#2183158 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:18

lol

Got_any_grapes1 | 4

#2183453 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:07

Dont eat the cat! Eat some grapes instead.

loganator50 | 3

#2184819 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 14:06

You wouldn't be able to anyway... (ninja cat)

By metallicshadow | 16

#2182312 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:01

ate your fish while cleaning the tank? where did you put them?

CherryBomb511 | 3

#2182339 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:05

On the couch so they can watch some tv while drinking a beer.

GumbetGirl | 1

#2182453 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:25

lol!!

florecitabetch | 0

#2183293 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:25

hahaha you made me laugh

florecitabetch | 0

#2183300 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:27

and I love your tattoo

StrangeCandy | 0

#2184362 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 10:55

I lol'd.

By CTVrhythmguitari | 8

#2182319 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:03

maybe you should have fed your cat more often :D

By Happygofucky | 0

#2182323 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:02

Lol, naughty kitty. My cat would do the same, he is sneaky and will eat anything!

By AkuskaUK | 6

#2182329 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:03

Awesome cat!

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#2184039 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 8:31

it's Garfield!!!

By Wheredidgrungego | 12

#2182334 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:05

I thought something seemed "fishy." Don't be a "pussy" about it, but it seems your feline companion thinks he is the "cat's pajamas." I just hope he can keep his "paws off" next time. But for now, the previous residents of your tank are "sleeping with the fishes."