Animals: Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to find out that my cat had secretly eaten all of my fish while I was cleaning the tank. FML

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Animals

There's no helping some people

Recycling helps

Bad news

By aru9 - United States

Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

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By Cpm - Canada

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

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By jessmess - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I went to do the laundry at my hotel. I had just enough money for my two loads. After getting frustrated with the washer taking two of my quarters and giving no credit, I took the clothes out. The washer then locked the door shut and started without my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Is that even possible?

Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

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By fuck my liBLARGHSLJNAdlajdSzxz - Sweden - Solna

Today, after my grandma did some early Halloween costume shopping, I witnessed her modeling a "sexy nurse" outfit. After seeing her bare thighs and most of her ass, I don't think I can eat cottage cheese ever again. FML

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By Kimberlie - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't let me move into his new apartment with him. It turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Conspiracy.

Today, immediately after placing my order and paying for my meal, the Chinese takeout place lost all power. FML

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By woodchuck0022 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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By eewww - United Kingdom

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

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By Normal - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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By too young for this - United States

Today, my mom broke the news that my dad secretly got married two months ago, to a woman he has been dating for 15 years, and that my parents have actually been divorced for 12 years. They just lied about it this whole time. FML

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Volcanic eruption

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

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By noiguessitsbroken :( - Lithuania - Kaunas

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

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By exfiancee - United States - Summerville

Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

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By Oh - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, I fell down the stairs with a cup of coffee. It gave me burns on my arm and I sprained my wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML

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By absentmindedmoron - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking whilst texting. I thought I was going in a straight line but I ended up walking right into an open phone booth. A woman was inside making a phone call. I lost my balance, pinning her up against the wall. She thought I was attacking her and clobbered me with the receiver. FML

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By Anonymous

Balls up

Today, I woke up at 2 p.m. to realise I'd slept through all of my alarms and missed my really big presentation at university, all because I was up most of the night with food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

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By BejeweledJizz

Today, after weeks of being addicted to Bejeweled Blitz, I couldn't stop thinking about it while having sex with my girlfriend. FML

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By yuckspider - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to kill it with and it hid somewhere. So, I got dressed and went out and come home for a shower, and as I'm taking off my undies, something crushed and black fell out. It was the spider and he had been in my underwear the entire day. FML

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By pipers - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

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By IronMonkey - United States

Useless tools

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

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By gnafron - France - Grenoble

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

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By screwed - 11/3/2020 23:00

Bad choice of material, dude

Today, I told my on and off girlfriend as a joke that I stalked her two years ago. She didn't believe me. When I say she didn't believe me, I mean she didn't believe it was a joke. FM

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

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By IntimidatorStag - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Itaja?

Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom

Landlords are social parasites

Today, in the middle of a pandemic, which has made it impossible for me to get a job for the last 4 months, my landlord has decided the one thing I need is a rental increase. FML

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By 1DisGR8

Today, while writing a midterm, my period came unexpectedly. Too bad my male professor was the one to notice and not me. FML

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By ItaliczZz - Australia

Today, I left my window open while practicing the saxophone. My drunk neighbours showed their appreciation for the music with a well-aimed firecracker that set my mattress on fire. My landlord has threatened to evict me as she thinks I set it off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got back to my car with a note cussing me out for parking in a disabled space when I’m clearly not disabled. They also smashed my windows. It’s true, I’m not disabled, but I also wasn’t parked in a disabled space. I was parked in a normal space next to the disabled spaces. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

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By tenniemo

Today, I caught one of my students checking out my butt while I was helping another student at his table. I teach 8th grade. FML

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By IzzMeister - United States

Watch a movie

Today, I walked in on my uncle watching porn. I realized that it was porn of my boyfriend, and he told me that the girl in it was "just a friend". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and tried to french-kiss my dog. Now he has 12 stitches in his face, and he's insisting we have to get my dog put down. FML

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Top comments

By Chris5146 | 3

#2182309 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:01

eat the cat
teach it a lesson.

By marinus_fml | 19

#2182378 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:12

Your cat never watched Nemo? Fish are friends, not food!

COMMENTS

By hellosir23 | 0

#2182278 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 0:58

u are a fish

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2182434 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:21

A gay fish.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2182478 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:30

who likes fish sticks

fl0ffy | 0

#2182629 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:03

haha I don't have a cat so it can't eat my fish

LOLOLOLOLOLOL123 | 2

#2182652 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:07

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE FISH DIE YOU STANKY PUSSY

Adorlee | 11

#2182681 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:12

Gay fish who likes fish sticks with lots of tarter sauce

donkeyshlong42 | 1

#2182839 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:40

and whale seamen

shannyraelynn | 6

#2183164 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:22

that makes me sad :(

sandiiii | 0

#2183194 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:41

you're picture makes me happy ^.^ xD

persianjr1 | 7

#2183282 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:18

i can speak whale. woooohhhhhaaaaaa!!! moahhhhh. ( guess the reference)

C6Racer | 0

#2183287 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:22

That sounded a little orca-ish.

ImmortalKratos | 0

#2183632 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:48

well...at least it won't get dirty again anytime soon

WOW_BS | 0

#2183911 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 8:07

I already jizzed...

Criminalle | 0

#2184365 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 11:00

thats what u get for owning a cat.....if it was "Man's best friend" do you think that woulda happened? nooooooo

Iskaria | 0

#2184596 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 12:45

No the dog would have just drank the water :p

AshRedPokemon | 2

#2184629 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 13:01

u fail!

dinkibus | 18

#2184879 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 14:37

but the fish would be like wet kibble and just be eaten

By silvershadow13 | 3

#2182300 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:00

what a naughty pussy

rpace35 | 0

#2183748 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:18

cats are only good for target practice

tulsafml | 0

#2190588 - Wednesday 16 March 2011 22:35

Fuck that cat. Get a dog

By Chris5146 | 3

#2182309 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:01

eat the cat
teach it a lesson.

Itstherealjen | 0

#2182467 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:27

hahahaha
good one!

preetss | 0

#2183081 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 3:36

you can't the cat is poisonous

natewill113 | 0

#2183158 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:18

lol

Got_any_grapes1 | 4

#2183453 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:07

Dont eat the cat! Eat some grapes instead.

loganator50 | 3

#2184819 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 14:06

You wouldn't be able to anyway... (ninja cat)

By metallicshadow | 16

#2182312 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:01

ate your fish while cleaning the tank? where did you put them?

CherryBomb511 | 3

#2182339 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:05

On the couch so they can watch some tv while drinking a beer.

GumbetGirl | 1

#2182453 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:25

lol!!

florecitabetch | 0

#2183293 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:25

hahaha you made me laugh

florecitabetch | 0

#2183300 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:27

and I love your tattoo

StrangeCandy | 0

#2184362 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 10:55

I lol'd.

By CTVrhythmguitari | 8

#2182319 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:03

maybe you should have fed your cat more often :D

By Happygofucky | 0

#2182323 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:02

Lol, naughty kitty. My cat would do the same, he is sneaky and will eat anything!

By AkuskaUK | 6

#2182329 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:03

Awesome cat!

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#2184039 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 8:31

it's Garfield!!!

By Wheredidgrungego | 12

#2182334 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:05

I thought something seemed "fishy." Don't be a "pussy" about it, but it seems your feline companion thinks he is the "cat's pajamas." I just hope he can keep his "paws off" next time. But for now, the previous residents of your tank are "sleeping with the fishes."