Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to...

By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 19:52 - United States

Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to find out that my cat had secretly eaten all of my fish while I was cleaning the tank. FML

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Animals

Great boyfriend

Who's a good boy?

You snooze, you lose

By Dockin - 14/2/2019 15:37 - India

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 23:32 - Antigua and Barbuda

Today, I passed a car, and heard a baby crying in the back seat. It was hot and no one was around. All the doors were locked so I broke it with a rock, cutting my arm and setting the alarm off. Only to find out that it was a realistic baby doll. I have to get 7 stitches and pay for the window. FML

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By DrunkParents - 31/3/2015 23:32 - United States - Billings

Today, a really drunk couple staggered into the store I work at. One of them yelled at me, "Hey you! Kid! Tell us where the booze is at!" This would have been funny if these people weren't my parents. FML

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By Perdito_Coño - 5/9/2014 20:55 - Australia - Quakers Hill

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - 24/4/2012 23:59 - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, when I woke up, one half of my face was smooth and clear and the other half looked as if I got slapped by the Hand of Puberty itself. FML

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By Sorry - 3/3/2010 16:22 - Canada

Today, trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. FML

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By shadow1248 - 27/5/2012 05:06 - United States - Stamford

Today, I had finally gotten my dogs to quiet down and my baby to fall asleep. Not thirty seconds later, my neighbor's car alarm went off. They aren't home for the weekend, and the damn alarm has now been blaring for three hours. FML

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By ohsnap - 28/10/2009 10:14 - Australia

Today, I took my car through the car wash. I got bored, so turned the radio on, forgetting that the aerial/antenna on the car is automatic. My car aerial is now bent at a 90 degree angle and about to fall off. The radio is half white noise, half stuff that may or may not be free jazz jam sessions. FML

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By a genius - 12/2/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I lit a cigarette in the opposite direction of the wind. My hair blew into it, and caught on fire. FML

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By garlicbread - 26/11/2009 22:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to make myself a nice meal. I bought expensive pasta and sauce etc. It looked delicious, I decided the finishing touch would be some parmesan cheese. I grabbed the bag and threw a handful of cheese on my meal. The cheese was about 98% mould. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 02:03 - United States

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

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By lageste - 20/11/2008 04:37 - France

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

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By arknvl - 7/3/2013 18:12 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boss yelled at me for visiting Facebook on my work computer. He says that since I can't be trusted, I'll be supervised from now on. I was uploading pictures to the company's Facebook page, which I have to do once a week as part of my job. FML

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By Teamarie - 11/8/2009 15:21 - United States

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

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By DeathPopStar666 - 19/8/2019 14:00

Today, my grandma calls me, accusing me of theft. I was home all day and watching Orange Is The New Black. When I asked what I stole, she said her car keys. I don’t even have my license. I told her to look in her purse. She found them. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2014 02:14 - United States - Richmond

Today, I realized how bad my sex life is when I scratched a mosquito bite and almost had an orgasm. FML

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By rain - 1/6/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

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By reckless182 - 27/7/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2016 15:01

Today, at the funeral home where I work, I asked my boss if it was time to "bring out the stiff". I didn't realize the guy's family was not only in the building, but within earshot as well. FML

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By selfesteemboost - 27/1/2012 17:14 - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

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By MafiaWarsWidow - 5/2/2010 01:35 - Australia

Today, I was on the phone to my boyfriend in England. I live in Australia. What did he talk about for 15 minutes straight? Mafia Wars on Facebook and how far he had got. FML

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By Anon - 8/4/2016 22:28 - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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By jkass - 7/10/2011 15:07 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the police. The cop was my ex-boyfriend. He had no legitimate reason to pull me over, so he thoroughly checked my car. He gave me a defect notice and a fine. What for? A broken door lock, on my rear passenger door. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML

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By super maman - 30/9/2014 03:08 - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2012 19:55 - Canada

Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML

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By the boogieman mom - 27/11/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that eating too much cheese really can cause nightmares. I had a cheese sandwich before bed and woke up later to the nightmarish sight of my mother-in-law standing over me with a suitcase. She had a big argument with her husband and wants to stay with us for a few weeks. FML

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By Sfg_926 - 26/6/2016 05:02 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

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By ThatsNotGrass - 10/8/2014 01:30 - Canada

Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML

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By Rhea - 28/10/2009 11:00 - Australia

Today, I won a raffle organised by a friend. I discovered one of the "prizes" was actually a present that I had given to her, that she had "loved". When I asked her where she had gotten it, she said, "Oh, just some crap someone gave me once." She didn't even remember that I had given it to her. FML

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By shugberry - 1/9/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, I went to my favorite drive-in burger joint for dinner. As I was nearing the end of my burger, I grabbed a cup from the cup holder that I thought was filled with soda. Instead, I got a mouthful of dip spit that a friend left in my car. FML

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By Ryan - 7/2/2010 14:18 - France

Today, I cut my finger at work while chopping some vegetables. I grabbed the nearest rag I could to stop the bleeding and put it on the cut. I didn't know the rag had just been used to clean up a lemon juice spill. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 02:32 - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I finally got proof of my theory when the dog came downstairs at 2 in the morning, looked me dead in the eye, pissed on the rug and took my socks before disappearing back upstairs. FML

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By anonymous - 3/8/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

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By shampoomice - 7/8/2013 16:34 - United States - La Porte

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

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By Boredom - 26/1/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

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By Pfff - 11/12/2008 10:40 - France

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

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Top comments

By Chris5146 | 3

#2182309 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:01

eat the cat
teach it a lesson.

By marinus_fml | 19

#2182378 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:12

Your cat never watched Nemo? Fish are friends, not food!

Comments

By hellosir23 | 0

#2182278 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 0:58

u are a fish

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2182434 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:21

A gay fish.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2182478 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:30

who likes fish sticks

fl0ffy | 0

#2182629 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:03

haha I don't have a cat so it can't eat my fish

LOLOLOLOLOLOL123 | 2

#2182652 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:07

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE FISH DIE YOU STANKY PUSSY

Adorlee | 11

#2182681 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:12

Gay fish who likes fish sticks with lots of tarter sauce

donkeyshlong42 | 1

#2182839 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:40

and whale seamen

shannyraelynn | 6

#2183164 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:22

that makes me sad :(

sandiiii | 0

#2183194 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:41

you're picture makes me happy ^.^ xD

persianjr1 | 7

#2183282 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:18

i can speak whale. woooohhhhhaaaaaa!!! moahhhhh. ( guess the reference)

C6Racer | 0

#2183287 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:22

That sounded a little orca-ish.

ImmortalKratos | 0

#2183632 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:48

well...at least it won't get dirty again anytime soon

WOW_BS | 0

#2183911 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 8:07

I already jizzed...

Criminalle | 0

#2184365 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 11:00

thats what u get for owning a cat.....if it was "Man's best friend" do you think that woulda happened? nooooooo

Iskaria | 0

#2184596 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 12:45

No the dog would have just drank the water :p

AshRedPokemon | 2

#2184629 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 13:01

u fail!

dinkibus | 18

#2184879 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 14:37

but the fish would be like wet kibble and just be eaten

By silvershadow13 | 3

#2182300 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:00

what a naughty pussy

rpace35 | 0

#2183748 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:18

cats are only good for target practice

tulsafml | 0

#2190588 - Wednesday 16 March 2011 22:35

Fuck that cat. Get a dog

By Chris5146 | 3

#2182309 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:01

eat the cat
teach it a lesson.

Itstherealjen | 0

#2182467 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:27

hahahaha
good one!

preetss | 0

#2183081 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 3:36

you can't the cat is poisonous

natewill113 | 0

#2183158 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:18

lol

Got_any_grapes1 | 4

#2183453 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:07

Dont eat the cat! Eat some grapes instead.

loganator50 | 3

#2184819 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 14:06

You wouldn't be able to anyway... (ninja cat)

By metallicshadow | 16

#2182312 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:01

ate your fish while cleaning the tank? where did you put them?

CherryBomb511 | 3

#2182339 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:05

On the couch so they can watch some tv while drinking a beer.

GumbetGirl | 1

#2182453 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:25

lol!!

florecitabetch | 0

#2183293 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:25

hahaha you made me laugh

florecitabetch | 0

#2183300 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:27

and I love your tattoo

StrangeCandy | 0

#2184362 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 10:55

I lol'd.

By CTVrhythmguitari | 8

#2182319 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:03

maybe you should have fed your cat more often :D

By Happygofucky | 0

#2182323 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:02

Lol, naughty kitty. My cat would do the same, he is sneaky and will eat anything!

By AkuskaUK | 6

#2182329 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:03

Awesome cat!

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#2184039 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 8:31

it's Garfield!!!

By Wheredidgrungego | 12

#2182334 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:05

I thought something seemed "fishy." Don't be a "pussy" about it, but it seems your feline companion thinks he is the "cat's pajamas." I just hope he can keep his "paws off" next time. But for now, the previous residents of your tank are "sleeping with the fishes."