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By pantless - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By Slaanesh - France

Today, I decided to teach my dog not to be scared of the vacuum cleaner. I grab the handle and get it close to her. She runs off and hides behind the couch and pisses everywhere. FML

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By played - Norway

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

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By hellphone_fml

Today, my brother's new kitten decided to bring me a gift as a sign of love. It was my pet hamster. FML

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By lectro - France

Today, I swallowed the piercing that I had bought for my tongue yesterday. FML

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By ToddlersWife - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I got into an argument over him not brushing his teeth. It ended with him snapping his toothbrush in half. He's 52. FML

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By forgottendaughter - South Africa

Today, my father asked me to never contact him again. The reason? His "new" family doesn't know I exist and explaining that he has a 28 year old daughter to his wife and his other children would be "awkward". I have siblings that I will never meet. FML

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By Stevo - United States

Today, my math teacher told me to learn how to say "welcome to wal-mart". FML

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By SE011194 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my boyfriend told me that the girl he really likes sees me as a threat. FML

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By gp28 - United States

Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Derry

Today, on my first day of sailing practice, I managed to sit on a metal cleat. After being admitted to the ER, I was informed that I had two vaginal lacerations that needed surgery. The nurse tried to convince me it was my lucky day, because the hospital café was serving vanilla pudding. FML

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By wasntme - 10/5/2020 08:00

Pay up

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

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By Allie cat

Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML

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By

Today, I got trapped in the airport lift for half an hour with my family while heading to departure. We ended up missing our flight. 3000 Malaysian bucks were spent on that flight. No one wants to compensate our loss. FML

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By ParkingGuy - United States

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant I decided to be nice and offer a woman free parking. I said, "give me a high five and I'll give you free parking since I already did the paper work." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paper work. FML

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By Lazyuser2849 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

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By Anonymous - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, going to my psychiatrist's appointment for my PTSD and depression, my mother yelled about how useless I am and how I torture her existence with my "abnormalities." She told the doctor how much I've improved and become such a delight at home for her and our family. FML

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By corfan01 - United States

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

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By Rick - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

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By eggonmiface

Today, I made scrambled eggs. Returning the rest of the carton, I tripped and spilled 10 raw eggs all over the inside of the fridge. The same fridge I spent 2 hours cleaning and scrubbing every drawer and shelf of yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 07:01 - Ireland

Deadbeat

Today, exactly a year after he ended our relationship days before our son's first Christmas and told me he would always be in mine and our sons lives, I learned my ex got a new girlfriend several months ago, who more than likely is the reason he stopped calling. FML

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By sadgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fulton

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 05:04

NRA fanboy

Today, I finally confronted my husband about his silicon *wedding ring* having rifle bullets on it. He said, "I love you as much as I love guns." I clarified, "As much as?" to give him an out. He replied, 100% serious, that he really loves his guns. FML

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By JustOutofCollegeAndBroke - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to help out with my boyfriend's sister's baby shower. They forgot to inform me that "helping" meant splitting the cost of everything. I now owe his family $275. I don't know how to back out without looking cheap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML

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By CrazyBitch - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my girlfriend said that while she was playing volleyball, her whole life flashed before her eyes. According to her grandmother, my girlfriend is now psychic. She completely believes it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

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By cnkk07 - United States

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

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By Going to work naked tomorrow - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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By Sleuth

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn't dare to tell me. FML

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By dizzy - Malaysia

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

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By ferret702 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in the current company I'm employed by, I have a better chance at gambling my way to the top, as opposed to working my way up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for a familiar reason; I apparently have night terrors that make me "Impossible to sleep in the same room with." I don't ever remember these dreams. Every other girlfriend I've had has ended up breaking things off with me for the same reason. FML

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By thatguy - Canada

Today, my mom got drunk and told me to leave the house because "I've been mooching off her for too long". I'm 14 and now am sleeping at my friends house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, there was a new girl in one of my classes. We both corrected a classmate on his grammar, so, trying to make a new friend, I leaned back to her and said, "Haha, fellow Grammar Nazi?" She gave me a disgusted look and told me she was Jewish. FML

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Top comments

By Marta Perlicka | 13

#7727631 - Friday 23 November 2018 23:42

While the video is cute I am more worried about the cat being potentially choked... it should have a harness. I don’t want the kitty to choke and potentially get hurt.

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By Marta Perlicka | 13

#7727631 - Friday 23 November 2018 23:42

While the video is cute I am more worried about the cat being potentially choked... it should have a harness. I don’t want the kitty to choke and potentially get hurt.