What my mornings look like now that I have children

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 18:00

Crazy best friend

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Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML

By busybuzzybee - 17/8/2011 00:31 - United States

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Today, my new boyfriend was at my flat for the first time. He picked up something in the bathroom and said 'What the hell's this?'. I told him what it was for, and he said 'You girls and your weird female products. Who needs all this stuff?'. It wasn't a female thing. It was shampoo. FML

By cleangirl - 14/3/2011 23:45 - United Kingdom

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Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

By fruitoftheloom - 9/3/2015 05:13 - United States - Scottsdale

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Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

By eebie jeebies - 30/5/2016 15:31 - United States - Cypress

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Today, a man came up to me and punched me in the face. He turned out to be the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. Apparently, she told him we broke up because I used to beat her. FML

By Ari - 16/6/2011 04:19 - United States

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Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 06:24 - United States

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Today, my mom and I had to shovel our driveway after an epic snowstorm that left us with 22 inches of snow. We only needed to dig out my mom's car and not mine. After we did all that work and shoveled all the snow onto the side where my car was we found out my mom had a flat tire. FML

By Anonymous - 22/12/2009 01:48 - United States

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Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard voices coming from the living room. I grabbed a bat to defend my self and ran into the living room. I slipped on my tile floor and smashed my TV with the bat. No one was in my house but I left my radio turned on. FML

By Slipperywhenwet - 28/2/2009 13:08 - United States

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Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 00:01 - Poland - Warsaw

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Today, I realised that I've been working in an all-male environment for too long when my supervisor walked into the canteen visibly scratching his balls, and this seemed like a completely normal occurrence. FML

By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 13:25 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

By smellsfunnyinfrance - 21/8/2016 16:43 - United Kingdom

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Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 08:25 - United States

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Today, I have to follow through with the bet I lost over the Super Bowl game. I don't have a problem running a lap nude around my block, but the cops in the police station right across from my house probably will. FML

By MillyMan - 7/2/2012 17:58 - United States

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Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

By Joplin - 13/9/2010 19:33 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was cashiering at a grocery store when an elderly woman came through my line buying prune juice. She then whispered to me that last time she bought it, she "blew up her toilet". FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2009 04:16 - United States

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Today, while jetlagged and going through customs in Singapore, I grabbed what I thought was a pen to fill out the form. I heard it squeak as I lifted it up. It was a straw in the custom agent's drink. The resulting noise he made lasted 10+ seconds. FML

By Andy - 27/2/2019 02:00

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Today, I stepped on a piece of glass and sliced my right foot open. Hobbling to get my first aid kit, I tripped and stepped on a pair of heels, and sliced my left foot open. FML

By chairlee - 7/11/2009 08:12 - United States

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Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

By Whateversz - 24/7/2010 19:59 - Netherlands

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Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

By DwarfFrog - 18/6/2012 11:38 - United States

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Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

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Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 18:28 - United Kingdom

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Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

By wdunn69733 - 11/10/2012 14:30 - United States - Macon

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Today, I asked my husband why his socks are always inside-out in the laundry basket. He replied, "So the insides get clean." FML

By Carmen VanDiest - 24/4/2020 02:00

Legit logic

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Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

By Sickofbeingsick - 1/10/2011 05:17 - United States

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Today, my wedding is scheduled for next week. Today is also the day my whole family had an epic falling out, resulting in my mother disowning my brother. Apart from having them taking turns sobbing at me through the phone, they're also not coming to the wedding. I paid the hotel rooms in advance. FML

By GoFigure - 15/6/2016 13:33 - Germany - Berlin

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Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML

By jay ze punk - 29/1/2013 19:56 - France - Metz-tessy

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Today, I finally found out who has been sending me hate letters, it's my husband's ex-wife. They've been divorced for 7 years. FML

By nasty_ex - 21/6/2011 12:25 - Australia

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Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years old. FML

By nightwalker2253 - 16/11/2015 07:13 - United States - Orange

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Today, an old lady savagely shoved me out of a queue, after I'd been waiting for twenty minutes. I couldn't bring myself to fight back or say anything, and ended up dragging my sorry arse to the back of the queue. FML

By dannyboy - 30/3/2012 16:44 - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

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Today, I was locked out of my house. After hours of trying to break the door, I found out I accidentally left a window open. The door, however, still needs to be replaced. FML

By TheComputerGuy96 - 22/5/2010 07:56 - Italy

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Today, after a tiff with my boyfriend, I said to him, "You could at least PRETEND to love me sometimes." He responded with, "I do pretend to love you!" FML

By Betsydoll - 29/3/2009 03:34 - United States

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Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

By ruffrider - 5/2/2009 14:09 - United States

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Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

By Rizzle - 4/10/2009 07:50 - New Zealand

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Today, I was taking a group shot with my friends when I asked a stranger to take the picture for us. He backed up and told us to squish closer together, and when he was at least 20 feet away, he turned and ran off with my camera. FML

By jacked - 2/10/2009 23:32 - United States

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Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

By ravlol - 25/11/2011 18:08 - United States

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Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML

By BadNurse - 11/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Evansville

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Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

By fmylife7721 - 3/7/2011 05:51 - Canada

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Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

By crinitis - 28/1/2016 16:05 - Canada - Ancaster

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Today, at school, I got seated in front of the resident creepy kid that everyone stayed away from. I was pretty relieved to get through most of the class with no incidents, until the bell rang and he tore out a chunk of my hair, yelling "DNA! DNA!" FML

By Laura - 27/5/2014 15:58 - United States

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