Work: Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 204

You deserved it 52

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 1 001

09/01/2015 04:40

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 261

You deserved it 2 608

And today, on Dr Phil…

There's no helping some people

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

20/01/2010 03:46

Spicy

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 087

You deserved it 26 085

13/08/2011 00:05

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 363

You deserved it 4 590

Jekyll and Hyde

By Anonymous - 09/08/2021 10:01

Today, I found out my "nice" boss was only nice to me for my first month. She's now started yelling at me for every little thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 66

14/03/2010 01:17

Today, I spent 2 hours doing my hair, doing my make-up, and picking out an outfit to meet some men. On chatroulette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 698

You deserved it 37 177

26/03/2012 14:54

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 381

You deserved it 5 453

15/05/2016 22:25

Today, my college instructor told me I hadn't actually failed a big exam as he originally said. It turns out he'd mixed me up with another student. Now thanks to the power of gossip, half my class thinks I slept with him so he'd switch my grade with the other student's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 535

You deserved it 1 332

14/07/2011 19:17

Today, my friends and I went to the park for some planking. Trying to find a daring spot, I climbed a tree and laid down on a branch. While I was waiting for my friends to take a picture, the branch gave out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 524

You deserved it 60 098

03/03/2012 13:55

Today, I downloaded an application that notifies me when my phone is fully charged. I had no idea how it actually functions, but I plugged the charger in and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man's voice screaming, "I can't take it anymore!" I nearly wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 128

You deserved it 10 691

31/01/2009 05:37

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 370

You deserved it 3 462

23/10/2012 13:29

Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 523

You deserved it 36 173

22/10/2010 20:37

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 654

You deserved it 40 977

Deadbeat

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 07:01

Today, exactly a year after he ended our relationship days before our son's first Christmas and told me he would always be in mine and our sons lives, I learned my ex got a new girlfriend several months ago, who more than likely is the reason he stopped calling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 109

14/10/2015 02:01

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 108

You deserved it 2 327

18/09/2018 15:30

Today, I was finally cast in my high school play. As Violet. The gum chewer who turns into a blueberry. Does my instructor not know I'm a guy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 496

You deserved it 320

30/11/2014 01:38

Today, while walking home with my mom, some unoriginal cockshart in a passing car yelled at me: "Fuck her in the pussy!" It was a long, awkward walk home after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 027

You deserved it 2 955

29/08/2016 19:00

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 360

You deserved it 16 103

Assumptions

By Uglyandfat - 10/04/2021 21:30

Spicy

Today, I was walking home when I heard a male voice behind me yelling, “Hey! Hello!” I walked faster and grabbed my pocket knife, turned around and pointed it at him. He just wanted to hand me back the keys I'd dropped. He then added something like, "Oh, and don’t get it twisted, you’re too fat to be kidnapped and raped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 1 732

04/07/2009 10:42

Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 502

You deserved it 10 370

14/07/2015 19:44

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 177

You deserved it 2 097

01/05/2012 11:02

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 843

You deserved it 3 440

14/04/2015 18:15

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 731

You deserved it 3 754

Hot lava

By bubba7901 - 19/03/2021 10:59

Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 279

03/06/2009 04:55

Today, my mom told me I was worthless and could not do anything by myself. Determined to prove her wrong I attempted to install the AC that I had neglected to put in for the past month. While placing it on the window it fell through landing on her prized roses and breaking into pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 536

You deserved it 16 404

23/12/2011 07:42

Spicy

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 357

You deserved it 3 705

23/01/2010 21:44

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 608

You deserved it 8 159

15/05/2011 19:29

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 787

You deserved it 14 418

Night fight

By FistFighter - 09/04/2011 04:01

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 877

You deserved it 12 936

23/05/2011 10:54

Spicy

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 743

You deserved it 6 312

We're up all night to not get some

By Anonymous - 21/03/2020 03:00

Spicy

Today, I must be the only woman on the planet with a boyfriend who turns down sex because he feels like he’s got a headache coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 499

22/12/2016 00:56

Today, my mom was out of the house, so I decided to make her a gift. I went into the garage for supplies and somehow ended up locking myself in for the next 2 hours. Not only that, but I cut my hand with the rusty paperclip I used to try to pick the lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 489

You deserved it 1 614

23/07/2011 07:49

Today, I found out that my boyfriend poops with "This is war" playing on his phone, and makes war sounds corresponding with his poop dropping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 642

You deserved it 4 663

21/04/2017 02:00

Today, I was in class rubbing my hands together. The lecturer thought that because my hands were up, I had a question. I replied with, "Oh, no I was just playing with myself." Just as it left my mouth, I realised what I was saying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 430

You deserved it 1 238

User notice

By Anonymous - 16/05/2015 02:52

Spicy

Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother that spooning has nothing to do with using a spoon to clean out a woman's vagina after sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 419

You deserved it 3 096

09/01/2013 16:07

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 642

You deserved it 5 300

18/04/2013 20:34

Today, I got cut from my track team. My coach told me it was because my sprints were "too fast" for his liking. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 312

You deserved it 3 848

18/12/2009 15:20

Spicy

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 101

You deserved it 9 860

Apple juice, motherfucker

By Anonymous - 05/11/2012 17:01

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 718

You deserved it 2 865

27/10/2011 21:41

Today, I was in a rush and had to get changed in a train restroom. While changing, I leaned against the button that opened the door. Not only do train toilet doors open and close very slowly, leaving you half naked for a few seconds, but everyone in the carriage opposite can see clearly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 202

You deserved it 4 165

Greed

By Anonymous - 27/09/2020 20:03

Today, my husband told me he wants a $600 birthday gift. He doesn't understand why I said that wasn't happening, and is now mad at me. Not only can we not afford that, he only spent less than $10 on my birthday gift last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 110

13/09/2010 19:33

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 914

You deserved it 6 214

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:17

Because what you do in other people's dreams is completely in your control.

rossea 21

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:17

You are not very trustworthy in people's minds are you? Haha

Comments

rossea 21

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:15

.

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:16

Wow lol ?????:P

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:22

you are suprised, humored, and confused all at the same time? dam you are bipolar!

Mr23 9

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Friday 9 January 2015 16:23

It's called having an emotional range. Or dissociative disorder. I forget which one, but it's one of those two.

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:16

Don't worry OP, as long as your boss isn't crazy it should be fine. It's not like you actually let her die, it was just a dream.

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Friday 9 January 2015 13:24

Some people have dreams that their partners cheat on them, and wake up very annoyed with them the next day, even though it wasn't real.

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Friday 9 January 2015 15:52

when you first wake up sometimes the emotion from the dream lingers a bit and feels real, like if i dreamt i was mad at someone i would feel mad for like 5 mins or so but it gos away. (obviously the boss has had more time to wake up)

rossea 21

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:17

You are not very trustworthy in people's minds are you? Haha

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Friday 9 January 2015 22:44

Op better prove she can trust him with her life then

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:17

Time to stage an attack and get promoted!

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:17

Because what you do in other people's dreams is completely in your control.

Nevermind212 11

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Friday 9 January 2015 15:05

But op should tell his boss that in real life in situations like that he'd let her die too

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:18

I thought you can't die in your own dreams?

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:21

OP's boss had the nightmare. Not OP...

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Friday 9 January 2015 13:23

Excuse my comment. I misread the FML. I guess that's what happens when you are on here at 2 am :

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Friday 9 January 2015 14:19

Where did you hear that? I've died in dreams plenty of times.

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Saturday 10 January 2015 15:31

Hey thats not as bad as the myth that u cant read in ur dreams , i sill dont know how people can think that

TheInquisitor 3

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Saturday 10 January 2015 17:02

I die in ALL of my dreams. No exceptions.

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:19

how lucky you are!!! lol

PrinPrinLife 16

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:23

Thankfully it was just a dream. But there must be a reason why she doesn't trust you.

Dreamsorrow93 24

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Friday 9 January 2015 12:25

I'd be more afraid she would stab me for revenge.