Health: Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I... - FML

By angela - United States

Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML

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Puke is good for you

Night terrors

Untidy

By minnie - 23/2/2021 04:58

#1 Mom of the Year

Today, while trying to walk past my mother in the hallway, I hesitated because she suddenly moved to the side. She screamed at me for a solid five minutes about not being able to "predict her movements." And she wonders why I’m suicidal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

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By walkingdead_1029 - United States - Peoria

Today, the girl that I've been madly in love with was demanding I tell her who I liked. I told her no, I should just keep it a secret, but she demanded I tell her. After I told her, the only response I got was, "You're right. You should have kept that a secret." FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, I dragged my son along with me to a work party because I didn't want him home by himself. Halfway through, he stood up and made an announcement about my pregnancy. I had to explain to all my coworkers and my boss that I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat. FML

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By bruised - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By CiaoBella

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry honey. FML

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By WTF? - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML

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By sierra - United States

Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I just turned down the first guy that's asked me out in 3 months. FML

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By "Tarun Kumar"

Her plan!

Today, my girlfriend planned our day, she wanted to play FIFA before having sex. I won 11-0. She stormed out of the room, went home and isn't picking my calls / texting back. It's been 12 hours. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

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By dogshavenipples - United Kingdom

Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

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By bride2be - United States

Today, I received my first wedding present in the mail. I opened it immediately and called the sender to say thanks. She yelled at me for opening it and, because she shipped it to me by mistake, requested it back. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

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By BoCoMoGal

Today, my phone reset, wiping the touch ID on my credit card. I can't remember the password so I'm locked out. I tried 'forgot password', but you need to have the physical card. The card is tucked away in the bank lock box. The key to the lock box is packed in one of the 150 boxes we have prepped to move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's thinking I had a UTI. Turns out I have an STD. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother who lives with us decided that since I work from home, it would be a good idea for her to stay home and keep me company. "Keeping me company" includes ordering me to make her food, gossiping non stop, and ridiculing me for not being the woman that she always saw her son marrying. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 17:00

Some dream…

Today, I'm a full-time Investment Portfolio Analyst at one of the largest groups. It has been my dream job and I worked my ass off. I'm one of the best analysts there and people like me. Also, I haven't slept properly for 3 months, without a single day off. I'm about to get mentally sick. FML

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By imagrouch - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my 30-year-old husband about why Sesame Street isn't a "soap opera." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2021 00:01

Overreaching

Today, I was told I can’t wear a nose ring at my new job because several customers "don’t like it." It’s a very small nose ring and the job is a shack that serves food through a window. FML

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By sincerely - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally called me after a week of barely any communication. He wanted to talk to my brother about Call of Duty. FML

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By Screwed - Australia

Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML

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By soundslikeadumbcommentersituation - Canada - Brampton

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

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By jobless - United States - Buffalo

Today, I heard back from a company that I recently interviewed with. They told me I didn't get the job because "it was obvious that I had been coached." I wasn't. Sorry that I actually researched the company unlike the rest of the nit-wit candidates. FML

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By sparklethelette - United States

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

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By Riskreh - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

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By dickface - Canada

Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML

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By asshalf15 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

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By unknown

Today, I dissected a baby pig. All I could think about was Wilber from Charlotte's Web. FML

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By Jane - United States - Beaver Falls

Today, my fiancé tells me he loves me about 100 times a day. At first it was cute, but now it's getting really annoying. We can't have a conversation without him throwing in about 10 "I love you"s. I'm beginning to not want to talk to him anymore. FML

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By NotFunny - United States

Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step dad asking him if he can drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I see him drive by the bus stop pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML

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By yeah - United States - Eugene

Today, I got in trouble for missing my shift. According to my idiot boss, "Crashes don't just happen." FML

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By demotivator - Romania - Timisoara

Today, I finally got off my lazy ass and start studying for my upcoming exam. It was going pretty well, until my classmate called and after I proudly told him about my sudden motivation, the only thing he had to say was, "You got the date wrong, the exam was on thursday." FML

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By Ihatemyjob - United States - Vermilion

Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

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By Anonymous

Proud

Today, I found a "White Power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

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By toomuchlove - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran for the first time in ages when I saw my bus coming. My loose shoe went flying into a shop doorway, and I tripped into the gutter. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

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By uselessdad - Singapore

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

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Top comments

By RitzyHoke | 0

#296971 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:06

This happened to me ... for my primary school graduation. Damn sad. Hope you get over it soon. I haven't. It has been 4 years ...

By iFellytone | 0

#296960 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:03

Ouch...

COMMENTS

By iFellytone | 0

#296960 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:03

Ouch...

Reply

sugababy234565 | 0

#988464 - Wednesday 5 May 2010 4:05

lots of makeup. but you might want to like cake it all over your face.

By RitzyHoke | 0

#296971 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:06

This happened to me ... for my primary school graduation. Damn sad. Hope you get over it soon. I haven't. It has been 4 years ...

Reply

dani212 | 0

#2660386 - Saturday 11 June 2011 15:14

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By Turnip_Girl | 0

#296974 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:07

Damn. D: Get well soon!

By 1bored | 0

#296975 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:07

That sukcs :( fyl for sure hope u get better :)

By shimmyya88 | 0

#296977 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:08

Go anyway. I'm guessing most of the kids there, if not all of em have already had the chicken pox. Maybe put some make up over em and voila. Sorry though, that does really bite.

By Aelaena | 6

#296980 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:10

That sucks so much, don't people usually get chicken pox around 7 years old though?

By softbonez | 0

#296983 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:12

How do you get to 12th grade without getting chicken pox or the vaccination?

Reply

mnvikes | 7

#5204361 - Saturday 1 December 2012 16:50

Vaccination doesn't always work. And it is required to go to school (at least where I live).

By MiseryLotus | 0

#296988 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:13

Most people don't even get the chicken pox anymore. None of my friends or me have ever had it. Unless they started giving vaccines at birth four years after you were born (we're high school freshmen), you should've been immune.

Reply

xxorganizedmess | 0

#581215 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 2:07

I'm the same age as you, and I wasn't immunized at birth(but then, I'm Canadian, so basically it depends where you live)

By heathkimbrell | 0

#296992 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:15

Not much of a fml just wear make up

By Tobe_fml | 0

#297012 - Friday 12 June 2009 12:23

Ugh, that happened to me. Minus the graduation part. FYL