Today, I realized I'd rather be constipated, sick, sit in long traffic lines, and inadvertently eat spoiled meat than spend another day at my shitty job. All things that happened to me today. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my time trying to take a dump than actually working. FML
Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, I joked with my boss about calling in sick to work tomorrow with food poisoning to avoid taking the Sunday shift. Tonight, I'm sitting on the toilet bowl in agonizing pain with combination diarrhea and vomiting. My shift starts in 3 hours. FML
Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML
Today, I had to spend five days at work, as we were expecting a snow storm and my position must be staffed at all times. My boss stocked the fridges with food, which sounds nice, but it was all frozen dinners and junk food. I've had so much diarrhea that my asshole is chapped and bleeds when I wipe. FML
Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML
Today, I didn't feel like cooking when I got home from work, so I decided to go to the local restaurant nearby and do my part in supporting small businesses. Long story short, I woke up later feeling like absolute shit. Hello, food poisoning. FML
Today, i managed to carve an hour out of my daily working-from-home grind to get some exercise and fresh air, only to spend all of that time stuck in the bathroom trying to take the same shit. I fucking loathe having Crohn's disease. FML
Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
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Top comments
CallMeHush 1
Don't worry if you ate spoiled meat you won't be constipated for long. Buy some nice soft tissue paper, treat yourself right.
nibawan 0
so quit
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Comments (44)
Jimboom 12
Man. You sound like a barrel of laughs. And you wonder why you don't get invited to party's much.
ImaginaryFoe 1
Hard to laugh or go to parties when you're in the loo or the car all day. Good luck finding another job in this market, OP. FYL
Tripout 0
HMM SOUNDS LIKE TUESDAY NIGHT TO ME .....op......get another job.....if that's even possible in this economy. Hell you're in Cali GO TO TJ TO LOOK FOR A JOB XD
saywaturcoco 0
become a taxi driver simple!
Free_Hugs10 0
That really sucks. Well I hope the spoiled meat helps your constipation And good luck finding another job! FYL OP.
shastadaisy 0
You should be gratefl that you have a job. There are so many people out there that are having a hard time finding work. And I am sure would love to have your shitty job.
shastadaisy 0
*grateful
Inabsentia 0
That's a classic FML.
mooshibear140 4
haha that sucks FYL.
nibawan 0
so quit
pepsie_fml 0
i would probably kill my self
farhil 14
We wish
CallMeHush 1
Don't worry if you ate spoiled meat you won't be constipated for long. Buy some nice soft tissue paper, treat yourself right.
coolbreezelain 0
true
KurouTenshi 0
well I'm very glad you learned something. because knowledge is power. and knowing I'd half the battle. Go petergibbons!!! I choose you!!!
imbatman_fml 0
today is Friday and I'm at work, you're off doing all those varied things. fml buddy, fmylife!
hisbaby75 0
LOL LOL!!!
fisheatsbear 6
yeahhh work kinda sucks like that
perdix 31
I'd rather comment on FML than spend time at my shitty job, but it's a real trick to do both! In this economy, just hold on to the shitty job and collect paychecks until things improve and then get a job that will encourage you to eat fresh meat.
DavidCooksAngel 0
I agree with # 12 well said.
Arsenal82 5
I love how you tied the desire to eat fresh meat to being able to work in a pleasant environment. The fact that eating "non fresh" otherwise known as spoiled meat can make you sick isn't encouragement enough. Perdix, you always have the best comments! :)
GEBEH 14
Here have my pen, someone wants an autograph!
idkweird 0
Is Initech treating you badly? You should totally hatch a plan with two of your coworkers to steal a bunch of money! Also, can you make sure Milton gets his stapler back? Im surprised no one else got that reference, yet!
idkweird 0
Ugh, I feel like the kid raising his hand for a high five that everyone keeps passing by because they have no idea what the kid's talking about.
xXChimerazZz 0
Office Space lol That movie is golden
ImaginaryFoe 1
Um, yeah, idk, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and take this 5 for the Office Space reference. That'd be just great. >sips from ever present coffee cup<
coldblood 4
13th!!!!!