Transportation: Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that... - FML

By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

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Season finale

Supply and demand

CPTSD

By Username - United States

Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML

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By jaqen h'garrrhghhgfgjhfuck - France - Toulon

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

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By al0406 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my grandpa and my sister. My grandpa looks over at my sister and says, "Wow. You're so beautiful." Right after, he turns to me and says, "And you have a nice coat." FML

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By lizzie - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, it was my wedding. Every good wedding has slutty wedding sex, and I thought it would be over after my cousin and his girlfriend were caught in the parking lot. I was wrong, the sluttiest wedding sex goes to my drunk husband and sister in the coat room. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

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By GoAggies - United States - Herriman

Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the same school and had a job lined up in town, he decided not to come with me because the Internet at our apartment wasn't going to be fast enough for his gaming. FML

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By CPN - United States

Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML

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By lordtimbit - Canada - Calgary

Today, I fell in the shower and knocked myself out. When I came to I turned off the water and called my mom. She seemed more worried about the amount of water I "wasted" than she was about me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend thought it would be cute to carry me to bed. He knocked my head on the door frame and I pretended it didn't hurt because he felt so bad, but I shouldn't have. I was rushed to the hospital hours later with a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

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By Bilirubin - United States

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

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By hatetheroommate - United States

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had brought her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the adderall they found in my desk. FML

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By J.Smith - France

Today, the only girl I really loved said to me: I want you to be the father of my child, but I don't want to be your girlfriend. FML

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By DeepCleanAcne

Irony

Today, I found out that my intense acne is actually an allergic reaction to the "deep clean" product I've been using to reduce it. I've been using this product for the past ten years. Ten years of suffering through "acne" could have been easily avoided. FML

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By MonCoiffeurAdoré

Today, I caught my stylist in the mirror attempting to get his colleague to laugh by spitting on my head while washing my hair. FML

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By WhyAppleWhy - United States - Sarasota

Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML

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By Cherie - United States

Today, I received a private message on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, subject: "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

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By dummy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky in bed. He mumbled something that sounded like "I love you." I replied "I love you too baby", to which he laughed then said, "I said I wanted you to blow me." FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, I saw a homeless guy in the street. It really upset me how everyone's spirit of giving vanished as soon as Christmas was over, so I said fuck it and gave him about $50 worth of money. I barely made it 10 feet away, when another guy mugged him for the money I just gave. FML

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By surfergal91 - United States

No Ragrets

Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML

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By littlemiss - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I decided to try this new cardio workout video I got. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room I heard a noise behind me. Turns out there were three boys outside my window watching. FML

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By Anon

Not the nuggets!

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing for 5 months over. We got some chicken nuggets, but didn’t eat because he stripped my clothes off and we started having sex. Out of nowhere, he said, "I can’t do this!" and left. He took the chicken nuggets with him. FML

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By Olihime - United Kingdom

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

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By DisgustingCreatures - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

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By FullOfNick - United States

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

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By Dancing King - Norway - Egersund

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 08:02 - United States - Ann Arbor

How's your hovel?

Today, I was cooking in my Airbnb and grabbed a pan, only to find it had some kind of beetle and droppings all over it. I realized soon after that the whole place was infested, but the person in charge of maintenance won’t answer my messages. FML

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By BlueBallMcGee - United States

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

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By Elephant1718 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

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By danyelicindereli - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

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By Anonymous

BURN

Today, at work, I cashed out a sweet old lady. As I handed her the bag, she looked at me kindly and said, “Don’t worry sweetie. It will get better!” to which I responded, “What will get better?” She smiled at me and said, “Your face.” FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 02:01

Rude

Today, my brother-in-law still insists on referring to me as "his brother's wife" and tells everyone I'm not his "sister-in-law." I've been married to his brother for 10 years. FML

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By obsessed - United States

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

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By lauren - United States

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Dallas

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

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By losingit - United States

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

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By vinniesuckmadack - United States

Today, I woke up to go to school. I was unbelievably tired, but I gathered the courage to go take my shower. I then took a long shower, cleaned up my room, got dressed, and ate breakfast. Going back to my room, I looked at the clock, which read 3:22 AM. FML

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By Jay - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up some supplies for a presentation. I entered the store in the middle of an armed robbery, was knocked to the floor, and had my cash, phone and credit cards stolen. When I told my boss the story, she said, "So were you able to get the binder clips?" FML

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Top comments

By Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5261185 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:59

Suuuure, OP. Your wife put it there. Gotcha ;)

By lostcrazydiamond | 10

#5261186 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:00

I find your username amusing, OP. You don't like them "that much"?

COMMENTS

By RougeRamirez | 8

#5261170 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:54

Is your name Joe Dirt?

Reply

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#5261244 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:30

No, his name is "I don't even like butts that much" :D

Reply

spekledworf | 18

#5261790 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 15:09

I thought of Joe Dirt too, if it helps

By melsaraj | 9

#5261172 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:56

Man up a little and peal it off

By zenrael | 21

#5261173 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:56

Please rip that off right now. Fuck that shit.

By kyliebear | 15

#5261178 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:57

just take it off?

By SApprentice | 33

#5261182 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:58

Just remove it? If you explain that it makes you uncomfortable then she shouldn't mind too much.

Reply

SaltukBugraHan | 8

#5261679 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 14:07

It's the fact that it was there for a while that makes it FML worthy.

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5261822 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 15:27

#28 - I wonder how he hadn't noticed it? I notice even the tiniest scratches on my car/phone/laptop etc. Granted, not everyone can pay such attention to detail but surely the average person would have noticed a new bumper sticker immediately?

By pastnastificatio | 4

#5261183 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:59

No idea how long that's been on there, eh?

By Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5261185 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:59

Suuuure, OP. Your wife put it there. Gotcha ;)

Reply

Werken247 | 14

#5262582 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 20:48

uh huh... right next to the rainbow sticker

By lostcrazydiamond | 10

#5261186 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:00

I find your username amusing, OP. You don't like them "that much"?

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5261393 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 11:58

Not enough to have a bumper sticker about it.

By Thisfreakingguy | 10

#5261191 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:01

Lol, I'd say its time to start a bumper sticker war!

By robo_thunder | 13

#5261193 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:03

Better than covering your car in political stickers...right?

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5262107 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:34

Political bumper stickers are fun. I look for the most extreme and non PC ones I can find for my truck, just for the look on peoples faces.