Transportation: Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 78

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 1 153

18/12/2012 21:44

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 328

You deserved it 4 190

Taking stock

Asshat

Weirdo geek freaks out

18/10/2017 05:00

Today, I got a new title at work. My boss hyped it up and made it sound amazing, so I accepted. Come to find out it pays 20k less a year and is twice as much work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 492

You deserved it 1 691

11/02/2015 13:39

Today, someone walking my way started waving. I waved back until I realized he wasn't looking at me. To make things worse, while walking past he said, "Get a fucking friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 249

You deserved it 3 740

29/01/2009 10:27

Today, my friend had to leave work early for a funeral and on his way out I wanted to say something. All I could think of was "have fun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 734

You deserved it 22 605

Missing the one

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 11:01

Today, I had a dream where I was with my last girlfriend, from five years ago. Nothing dirty. Just leaning on each other, talking, and smiling. Woke up and felt like she was really here, and now I miss her as much as when she had to leave the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 100

14/12/2011 02:39

Spicy

Today, I walked into my bathroom to find my girlfriend applying my deodorant. This would have been fine, if she wasn't applying it to her mouth. I don't think deodorant helps with bad breath, but a quick Google search shows that it does help with herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 486

You deserved it 3 537

15/05/2010 17:07

Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 919

You deserved it 3 874

You sleep in your pants?

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 18:30

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 139

04/02/2013 17:17

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 218

You deserved it 3 871

21/06/2011 02:33

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 556

You deserved it 12 804

04/08/2009 23:25

Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 451

You deserved it 7 946

Fundies say the darndest things

By Lyle - 13/12/2020 01:07

Today, after my father in law upset my 6-year-old son by telling him creating a world in Minecraft is a sin, because only god is allowed to create worlds so all Minecraft players will burn in hell one day, it's been 5 days since he's slept right because he’s scared the Devil will burn him if he falls asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 467

You deserved it 91

24/05/2016 20:10

Today, I've tried literally every possible brand of antiperspirant deodorant available to me in my area. I went to the bathroom to discover I'd pitted out my favorite shirt. It's mild weather, I have done nothing active, and I'm not stressed. My body just loves to make me sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 614

You deserved it 1 320

23/03/2009 18:52

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 910

You deserved it 11 786

07/06/2015 01:17

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 344

You deserved it 2 701

07/04/2015 00:58

Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 239

You deserved it 2 678

19/02/2016 18:26

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 108

You deserved it 3 309

02/09/2009 09:20

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance move, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 245

You deserved it 4 194

Gigs

By Anonymous - 22/03/2019 20:00

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 131

20/11/2011 00:21

Today, I went outside for a cigarette since I don't like smoking in the house. When I was done, I stomped it out. I wasn't wearing shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 097

You deserved it 66 058

08/03/2010 03:08

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 291

You deserved it 38 395

12/10/2012 22:38

Today, as my dad and I were leaving a store, a man asked us if we could donate to an Alzheimer's fund. My dad hates being asked for money, and so he immediately hunched over and acted like a dirty, senile old man all the way to the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 885

You deserved it 2 154

Say nothing

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 00:58

Spicy

Today, right now, my husband is on the phone with his friend. Last night I had a dream I was cheating on him with this friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 692

14/12/2010 08:21

Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

I agree, your life sucks 128 887

You deserved it 17 452

04/02/2009 16:06

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 444

You deserved it 2 828

13/04/2016 16:41

Today, I joined my grandpa on his morning jog. I didn't last 15 minutes before nearly passing out from exhaustion. He came jogging back home nearly an hour later looking even better than he did when we left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 858

You deserved it 6 704

20/04/2011 09:27

Today, I went shopping for a nice outfit to wear for a job interview. A fake job interview. One that I just made up so my mother would get off my case about finding a job. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that I can't get a job, or that my mother actually believed me about the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 180

You deserved it 38 792

12/04/2013 09:24

Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 645

You deserved it 6 920

18/06/2016 17:43

Today, I felt cold while driving, so I blasted the heat. The one thing I didn't expect was a load of tiny spiders spilling out of the vents and writhing all over my dash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 038

You deserved it 946

Scaredy cats

By Clauric - 03/05/2016 15:15

Today, I found out my 35 year-old brother got divorced 18 months ago when my now ex-sister-in-law told me via Facebook messenger, and asked me to tell my parents, as both of them were too scared to do it themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 243

You deserved it 874

17/06/2016 03:00

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 537

You deserved it 1 537

27/10/2013 19:52

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 251

You deserved it 3 006

23/03/2009 23:12

Spicy

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 272

You deserved it 32 510

04/12/2015 22:17

Today, even after recovering and being able to walk again, my dad keeps peeing in a bucket by his bed. He sees nothing wrong with this, even though it smells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 459

You deserved it 1 426

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

By Davey Crocker - 23/04/2020 08:00

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 170

20/08/2009 14:17

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 393

You deserved it 3 968

11/10/2013 15:40

Today, it's the fifth day in a row my workmate has worn the exact same clothing. We share the desk. I'm absolutely positive he hasn't hit the shower since last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 026

You deserved it 3 152

26/11/2018 16:00

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 979

You deserved it 225

22/08/2010 23:19

Today, my loving boyfriend told me that he wanted to go to the cinema with the girl he loves. The other girl he loves, but don't worry it's "not" a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 482

You deserved it 3 131

02/07/2013 14:35

Today, I was once again handed a document to translate along with the comment "Good luck, it doesn't make sense to begin with." If my translation doesn't, though, I will not get paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 361

You deserved it 3 069

Bad sandwich, bad week

By Anonymous - 07/09/2019 12:02

Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 701

You deserved it 98

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:59

Suuuure, OP. Your wife put it there. Gotcha ;)

lostcrazydiamond 10

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:00

I find your username amusing, OP. You don't like them "that much"?

Comments

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:54

Is your name Joe Dirt?

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:30

No, his name is "I don't even like butts that much" :D

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 15:09

I thought of Joe Dirt too, if it helps

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:56

Man up a little and peal it off

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:56

Please rip that off right now. Fuck that shit.

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:57

just take it off?

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:58

Just remove it? If you explain that it makes you uncomfortable then she shouldn't mind too much.

SaltukBugraHan 8

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 14:07

It's the fact that it was there for a while that makes it FML worthy.

oj101 33

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 15:27

#28 - I wonder how he hadn't noticed it? I notice even the tiniest scratches on my car/phone/laptop etc. Granted, not everyone can pay such attention to detail but surely the average person would have noticed a new bumper sticker immediately?

pastnastificatio 4

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:59

No idea how long that's been on there, eh?

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 8:59

Suuuure, OP. Your wife put it there. Gotcha ;)

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 20:48

uh huh... right next to the rainbow sticker

lostcrazydiamond 10

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:00

I find your username amusing, OP. You don't like them "that much"?

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 11:58

Not enough to have a bumper sticker about it.

Thisfreakingguy 10

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:01

Lol, I'd say its time to start a bumper sticker war!

robo_thunder 13

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 9:03

Better than covering your car in political stickers...right?

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 17:34

Political bumper stickers are fun. I look for the most extreme and non PC ones I can find for my truck, just for the look on peoples faces.