Miscellaneous: Today, I ate brunch at my in-laws. The food all tasted off to...

By drkate25 - 18/12/2012 22:02 - United States - Enfield

Today, I ate brunch at my in-laws. The food all tasted off to me so I didn't eat much, telling my mother-in-law I was watching my weight. Later on, while out doing a bit of shopping, I stopped at a red light. Guess who pulled up next to me while I was scarfing a fast food burger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 807

You deserved it 30 465

Miscellaneous

Best teeth in the game

Compassionate management

Missing the one

By thicklysettled - 20/07/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 454

You deserved it 3 366

By Unreality - 26/01/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 962

You deserved it 3 545

By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 14:41 - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 006

You deserved it 2 879

By lonely - 25/07/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 573

You deserved it 46 467

By rawr - 20/04/2011 14:15

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 303

You deserved it 3 568

By OMFG - 22/02/2010 10:13 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my roommate pop a blister with a skewer and casually place it back in the kitchen drawer, before wiping what seeped out with the teatowel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 825

You deserved it 2 060

Phones, how do they work?!

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 14:00

Today, a voicemail suddenly appeared in my messages. Last week I missed a call from an Unknown, no number was listed. Turns out they wanted to arrange an interview for a job I really wanted, they left a number in the voicemail telling me to call them back that day if I was interested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 263

By stillpoor - 14/03/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 191 370

You deserved it 23 468

By blueheron93 - 13/11/2010 14:25 - Germany

Today, I realized that the only boy who ever called me pretty was my 5-year-old brother. My sister then scolded him for lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 085

You deserved it 3 058

By sillydoggy - 09/09/2013 01:42 - United States

Today, I tried to get my golden retriever to stand in front of our church for a very short time to illustrate the point of a sermon. When I brought my dog up, he mounted the pastor's leg and began humping him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 133

You deserved it 9 653

By Blah - 02/08/2018 05:00

Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 466

You deserved it 247

By flipflap - 14/06/2015 06:35

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 226

You deserved it 7 058

By RavingLunatic - 01/05/2015 22:17 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I desperately needed to let off some steam at work, so I went outside and screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs, before heading back inside. The police then showed up to investigate complaints of a "raving lunatic" in the area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 238

You deserved it 24 702

Stranger danger

By soul0eater - 12/03/2011 07:18 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was at the mall and I saw a kid crying. I asked her "What's wrong sweetie, are you lost?" She ran away screaming "Help me!" I ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that I'm not a perv. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 319

You deserved it 3 857

By boo - 27/05/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I had to drop my daughter off with my babysitter first. When I got to the interview I got a weird look from the vice president of the company. I had lime green poop running down the side of my white blouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 690

You deserved it 7 394

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, I talked to my boss about scheduling my urgently needed surgery. She asked me to wait until after Christmas, and told me that I should use vacation time instead of sick leave. She's also not going to give me the total paid time off my contract specifies, because it's "inconvenient." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 960

You deserved it 2 331

By Anonymous - 15/02/2011 19:28 - United States

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 095

You deserved it 14 241

By Richard - 07/08/2018 18:30

Today, my friends and I were kicked out of a Red Robin after the manager told us that our server accused us of making "sexually suggestive gestures" towards her. The gesture in question was the circle game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 057

You deserved it 1 428

By LegInPieces - 17/10/2013 16:34 - United States - Redmond

Today, I spent an excruciating hour walking to campus with a broken leg, only to find my professor had left a note on the door saying class was canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 825

You deserved it 3 825

By Ouch - 14/07/2009 02:25 - United States

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 435

You deserved it 15 459

By anonymous - 06/09/2016 03:05 - United States - Monroe

Today, my girlfriend told me that she didn't know we were actually dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 266

You deserved it 2 200

By booyouwhoree - 03/03/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I told my friend I hadn't had a period in 5 months. She asked me if I was pregnant. When I asked her if I looked 5 months pregant, she replied by saying "is that supposed to be a trick question?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 769

You deserved it 18 351

By Anonymous - 19/07/2015 03:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 851

You deserved it 3 120

By freakfreak12345 - 19/07/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 624

You deserved it 74 656

By AndI'veHadChildren - 10/10/2017 17:15 - United States

Today, I was passing a kidney stone. I had to go to the ER but had no one to take me, so I drove myself. They made me wait 3 hours because it was suspicious that someone in "so much pain" could drive. It was the largest stone that doctor had seen in his career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 541

You deserved it 212

By BaldingQuick - 02/02/2010 07:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 495

You deserved it 2 637

By Anonymous - 19/06/2017 02:00

Today, I woke up, got dressed, drove for an hour, just to find out that I was fired. This is the closest job near me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 485

You deserved it 378

By Christina - 05/12/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 739

You deserved it 49 672

By bull-stuff - 18/01/2013 03:48 - United States - Columbia

Today, a bull escaped from the small farm down the street. It ended up in my yard and would not let me outside. I called animal control, who said, "We only deal with regular animals." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 400

You deserved it 2 492

By Courtney - 04/02/2012 20:22 - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 434

You deserved it 34 594

By tryfailtryget11 - 05/09/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were messing around and I always jokingly say "You're adopted, nobody loves you" to everybody. His reply, "That's pretty fucked up, I am adopted." He really was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 660

You deserved it 76 703

Nailed it

By anon - 21/12/2013 14:13 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 019

You deserved it 12 854

Long story short

By Anonymous - 18/06/2020 20:08

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 574

You deserved it 416

By Atletic - 30/11/2012 07:30 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I have three cracked ribs. I have also, for the first time in my life, developed a case of the hiccups that simply will NOT go away. It's been hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 010

You deserved it 1 762

By Anonymous - 06/06/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the aquarium. We were noticing the fishy smell, and I had made a comment about it. Then my boyfriend slowly, and seductively whispers into my ear, "It sort of reminds me of how you smell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 157

You deserved it 13 726

By JC - 26/03/2012 20:56 - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 427

You deserved it 6 017

By soapisyourfriend - 16/02/2016 06:53 - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 841

You deserved it 1 397

By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, my water wouldn't go down my shower drain. Confused, I stuck a metal stick expecting hair, but instead stabbed and pulled up a rat that was dead in my drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 892

You deserved it 2 453

Move it, now!

By Anonymous - 24/07/2020 05:01

Today, I had just gotten out of the bath when a police officer knocked on my door. I answered in my towel, and he told me I had to leave due to a bomb scare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 112

Wokescolds gonna get you

By Red Toad - 30/11/2020 00:04 - United States - Litchfield Park

Today, I realized the topic for my 1750-word essay could end up offending people, and I had to start all over from the beginning with a different topic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 568

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