Kids: Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud of me. It meant a lot to me, and I started tearing up. Noticing my emotion, he looked at me pityingly, said "Aaaaand it's gone." and walked out of the room. FML

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Kids

Dementia or hate? You decide

Damn kids!

I can't eat these

By exiebestie - Australia - Perth

Today, my ex-best friend, who I haven't spoken to in a year because of how obsessive she got, posted a picture of herself with dyed brown hair and glasses. We look like twins. Even I thought it was me. Some people are commenting that I look beautiful. School starts tomorrow. FML

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By inked - United States

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML

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By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By poorgirl - United States

Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

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By Jack Slate - 12/12/2020 11:02

Leave me alone!

Today, my anxious, obsessive, overbearing mother called me four times. That's significantly less than usual. When I complained to my dad, he said, "She just worries about you because she loves you." I don't feel loved, I feel smothered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

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By MERRY FUCKMYARSEMASS - United Kingdom

Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML

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By Alex Andreas - United States - Edmond

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 08:01

Put a tiger in your tank

Today, a stray cat climbed up into my car's engine for shelter at some point last night. Guess how I found out this morning. FML

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By superfreak6 - United States - New Orleans

Today, after fishing for 5 hours, I finally caught a respectable-sized fish. I ran to my truck to grab the scale, and then I saw my friend laughing hysterically while holding an empty net. Apparently, the only catch of our day jumped out of the net during the 15 seconds I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML

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By j - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my drunken antics. My reaction? Pour myself a stiff drink. FML

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By noname - United States - Middletown

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 weeks after emergency abdominal surgery, my girlfriend, who didn't even bother to ask how I was, made me hobble to her house just to dump me and send me straight back home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Conspiracy.

Today, immediately after placing my order and paying for my meal, the Chinese takeout place lost all power. FML

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By Ciabatta - France

Today, it's my one year anniversary with my husband. I put on a sexy outfit, red dress and slinky underwear, and waited for him to get home. He walked in the door and asked me with a quizzical look if I was going out tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Evesham

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

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By not laughing anymore - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

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By TheHam - Sweden

Restrictions

Today, the school called my dad telling him they want to put me on a diet, because they're worried about my weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Stuck

Today, I found myself locked out of my house. I had to squeeze myself through a tiny window around the back. While hanging upside down, my hood fell over my head. My dog ran through to investigate the noise and ravaged me thinking I was a burglar. I then fell and broke my wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 08:01

This Charming Man

Today, I met what I thought was a decent guy, via an introduction by my pregnant friend. She's dating his brother. The guy was dropping my friend and me off, but on the way out of the door he slapped her on the butt and smiled. FML

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By wrecked - United States

Today, I ran into my girlfriend by chance while out shopping. She looked different than usual. Maybe it was the wedding ring she was wearing, or how she had her arm around another gentleman, gee, I don't know. That's two years of my life wasted. FML

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By Baddad

This is terrible!

Today, as I stepped out the door and heard it lock behind me, I realized I had forgotten both my keys and my baby inside. There's no other way in. FML

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By dumped - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

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By foreverafatty - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

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By x - United States

Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while with my new boyfriend, my ex called to tell me I needed to go to the doctor to get checked out. He had gotten an STD from the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By Stormy - United States

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

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By tax-man - United States - Chapin

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

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By oneloveliz

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bargoed

Today, my ex came out as transgender. I had absolutely no problem with this, in fact I celebrated her bravery. What I did have a problem with was all my friends immediately assuming that this was the reason I broke up with her, and not that she'd cheated on me for 6 months. FML

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By Rach

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

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By overachiever - United States

Today, I proudly informed my boyfriend that I am now a size 4, down from an 18, after months of dieting and exercising after he told me he would like me to be a size 6. He broke up with me for "not listening to what he wanted" and "being an overachiever". FML

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By annoyed - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

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Top comments

By cherries62212 | 16

#5961128 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:11

Be happy it was there for a second!:)

By TheComedyAudio | 29

#5961151 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:16

At least he said it. Some dads don't come home

COMMENTS

By cherries62212 | 16

#5961128 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:11

Be happy it was there for a second!:)

ThatOneGuy719 | 16

#5961170 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:21

It was there for a second aaaaand now it's gone

By flashback.miss | 28

#5961133 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:13

what motivated him to say he's proud of you but to snatch that back when you're moved to tears? Perhaps retort that you pick his home...?

By JJ_V3N0M | 19

#5961134 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:13

Just remember this day by heart OP.

By Paco_el_Taco | 17

#5961139 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:13

Way to blow it.

By ycrem0n | 21

#5961147 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:15

Troll Dad Strikes!

By TheComedyAudio | 29

#5961151 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:16

At least he said it. Some dads don't come home

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5962365 - Sunday 1 June 2014 14:44

"My mom's at the grocery store and my dad left to get scratchers. I guess he won, 'cause that was six years ago..." (Iron Man 3)

superwholock99 | 1

#5966488 - Friday 6 June 2014 4:46

"Dad's on a hunting trip and hasn't been back in a few days"

By Kamon97 | 23

#5961164 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:19

We'll keep doing whatever you did that made him proud in the first place :)

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#5961171 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:22

So much for daddy's little girl.

By trashcan_man | 16

#5961174 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:23

People like OPs dad piss me off. Kindness is only given as an opportunity to screw you later.

By harrison99 | 4

#5961175 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:23

I'll just invest this money aaaaand it's gone! I'm sorry about that but I couldn't help to think about South Park

HeatherFeatherB | 31

#5961180 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:27

Don't worry, that's exactly what I was thinking, too.

LostInTheZone11 | 28

#5961210 - Saturday 31 May 2014 5:50

This line is for people with money. Please step aside.

Crofty92 | 17

#5961375 - Saturday 31 May 2014 11:58

Excuse me boys we need to borrow your squirrels.