Work: Today, I made an excuse and didn't turn up at work. Little did... - FML

By AGB10 - 23/06/2014 18:11 - United Kingdom - Tunbridge Wells

Today, I made an excuse and didn't turn up at work. Little did I know my boss did the same. We both bumped into each other at the shopping centre across town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 808

You deserved it 25 792

Sorry…

Go vegan

Chuds

By Anonymous - 17/01/2013 17:15 - United States - Savage

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 367

You deserved it 16 211

By Anonymous - 15/02/2015 00:34 - United States - Mentor

Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 829

You deserved it 4 154

By Username - 04/12/2010 21:04 - United States

Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn't have to pay the $10 to park. While waiting to pick her up, I grabbed a bite to eat. Upon returning to my car, I found a $55 parking ticket on my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 061

You deserved it 28 152

By BlueBaby123 - 25/07/2009 11:30 - United States

Today, my husband and I got a new stainless steel microwave. When we took it out of the package we noticed it was blue and got angry. We were about to return it, but we called in our 12 year old daughter to see what she thought of the microwave. She then took off the blue protective plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 184

You deserved it 88 304

By hipster glasses - 16/08/2013 11:08 - United States

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 570

You deserved it 3 710

By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 16:09 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 598

You deserved it 3 670

By TMI - 05/08/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was opening and sorting mail for my boss as part of my job. One package was delivered to the office instead of his home by mistake, since his house is next door on the same property. I didn't notice until I had opened it. I had to hand my boss an opened box of toys. Kinky ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 557

You deserved it 6 363

By ConfusedGirl - 15/12/2015 13:03 - United States - Pittsford

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 053

You deserved it 2 213

By heartless - 15/05/2009 06:14 - Canada

Today, I realised that my glade plug-in air freshner lasts longer than any of my relationships have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 057

You deserved it 10 335

By annesolmm - 28/03/2014 01:17 - France - Paris

Today, I'm in Venice for a romantic weekend. While I was gushing about the gondolas, canals and the city of love in general, the only thing my boyfriend could say was, "Wow! How cool is it to be on the set of the Tomb Raider movie?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 396

You deserved it 8 982

By Anonymous - 25/01/2010 18:17 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you slip on ice, imitating Mario from Super Mario Bros when he attempts to stop himself slipping, won't work in real life. I now have a broken nose, as well as a blood trail running from my driveway into my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 500

You deserved it 32 335

By Anonymous - 08/10/2011 13:04 - United States

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 963

You deserved it 4 177

By Anonymous - 02/02/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 402

You deserved it 362

By ReallyMom - 09/01/2014 21:48 - United States - Shawano

Spicy

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 550

You deserved it 5 179

By Professional_Ars - 18/10/2018 12:00

Today, my coworker brought chocolate muffins to work for everyone. This would have been really nice if they hadn't tasted like rotten blueberry muffins spray-painted brown. I reflexively gagged after taking a bite and coughed up a brown mush in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 443

You deserved it 215

By scewable - 13/10/2011 07:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 017

You deserved it 10 020

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 06:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 555

You deserved it 7 937

Stalker panic

By Anonymous - 04/09/2021 08:01 - Australia

Today, I was walking to the optometrist when I saw my creepy stalker following me. The entire shopping centre then sounded the alarm, so the rail was half down. Desperate to get away from my stalker, I turned around and walked out the store and hit my head on the rail in front of the employee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 101

By Anonymous - 05/08/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 736

You deserved it 91 703

By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 13:43 - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 738

You deserved it 4 706

Late bloomer

By Anonymous - 02/09/2020 17:02

Today, I’m at the age where I should be married or in a committed relationship and having kids. Instead, I’m STILL single. I haven’t had a first date or a first kiss. If any of that changes, luck and time aren’t going to be on my side because biologically I won’t be able to have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 459

You deserved it 292

By Anonymous - 14/01/2016 12:51 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 332

You deserved it 18 343

Clean-freak criminal

By Bryce - 13/06/2021 04:00

Today, some dumbass broke one of my car's windows to steal the pack of disinfecting wipes I just bought a few hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 39

By NotSoCool - 15/05/2009 04:41 - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 460

You deserved it 42 594

By orgasmsareoverratedanyway - 25/09/2012 17:42 - Norway - Myre

Spicy

Today, I realized just how clingy my boyfriend is, when he pulled out in the middle of sex, lay down and hugged me, and said in his "adorable" voice that he didn't really want to have sex, but cuddle. I wouldn't mind if it didn't happen so often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 808

You deserved it 5 228

By reserved - 22/10/2012 09:01 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 901

You deserved it 1 945

By elevatorjerk - 02/09/2009 13:01 - United States

Today, I was going to work and got in the elevator. I was going through my bag for my phone and asked the man in the elevator to push the button for me. He gave me a look of death before I realized he had no arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 609

You deserved it 13 912

By Anonymous - 30/06/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 428

You deserved it 34 577

By planking champion - 17/10/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 065

You deserved it 80 235

By Dunnie - 22/08/2018 18:30

Today, my aunt was itchy down there and sent me to buy a vaginal cream at the pharmacy. The pharmacist was a cute boy and was flirting with me. I said I needed a cream and he asked what for. When I said vaginal cream, he stopped smiling, got the cream, and said, "Good luck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 456

You deserved it 235

By stillloveherthough - 26/02/2016 17:54 - Germany - Aachen

Today, my girlfriend had a complete breakdown. I was trying to calm her down and reassure her that she will accomplish all of her dreams. Her response: "Then why am I even with you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 256

You deserved it 2 010

By sothisishowidie - 30/09/2013 11:18 - Guam - Yigo

Today, my friends and I spent a little too long enjoying a beautiful cliff overlooking the ocean. We spent the next 3 hours lost in a pitch black jungle with only one pocket-sized flashlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 685

You deserved it 12 957

By Anonymous - 18/05/2012 19:19 - United States - Paterson

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 365

You deserved it 3 521

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 08:01

Today, as a nursing student, I needed to take a blood sample from someone and the veins on his arms weren't really easy to draw blood from. I asked him, "Can I please look at your legs?" It turns out he was amputated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 226

By gorey - 19/08/2010 01:26 - Canada

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 941

You deserved it 2 867

By Jessica - 23/03/2013 19:00 - United States - Brighton

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. He stared at me, then said, "Yeah, okay then. I'm gonna watch TV now." He then turned on the TV and watched Top Gun. Not quite the response I was hoping for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 714

You deserved it 41 155

Real friends

By MartinGitGud - 13/03/2021 08:01

Today, I was saying goodbye to all my close friends before I move out of state. I'd made plans with one friend in particular to meet up before I move away; he didn't bother to respond to my message or calls. Guess I confused a coworker for a friend, huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 126

Thanks mom

By Anonymous - 14/02/2021 14:01 - Colombia

Spicy

Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 88

By smellymcgee - 25/06/2016 17:21 - United States - Farmington

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 381

You deserved it 777

By grannygirlfriend - 06/12/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 229

You deserved it 5 064

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:53

Atleast you could try laugh it off with him to get out of trouble

OysterPearls 33

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:15

You all need Jesus.

Comments

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:53

Atleast you could try laugh it off with him to get out of trouble

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:55

Adam you need a new space bar

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:57

You need a new username.

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:00

You need better things to do

OysterPearls 33

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:15

You all need Jesus.

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Tuesday 24 June 2014 0:27

I agree #1 this is for the office party!

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Tuesday 24 June 2014 5:23

Where did you go shopping with your boss

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Tuesday 24 June 2014 10:15

You really love getting top comment don't you number 1

zebrainthenight 13

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Tuesday 24 June 2014 16:37

Well even if the boss doesn't get him/her in trouble, he now knows what kind of person he/she is and will be less likely to trust them.

Oceanborn_fml 24

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Tuesday 24 June 2014 17:15

well, the same kind of person as the boss then...

htownpostman 16

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Wednesday 25 June 2014 4:33

Because of 2 words? Dipshit... Fast typing does that

cOOkiEzRgOOd 22

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:54

It doesn't sound that bad overall OP, they did the same. Probably could've had a good time

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:23

I wonder if the boss hates him and try's to fire him over it

ohcheriecherie 20

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:38

29, I doubt that will happen...

gniii 12

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:55

He could be one of those "Do as I say but not what I do" types of boss.

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:54

Well if your boss did it too they can't really get mad at you. They're just as guilty.

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:00

One of the perks to being the boss is that you need not follow the rules. Note that the post is not "I skipped out of work and ran into my employee FML".

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Tuesday 24 June 2014 1:33

"I won't tell if you don't"

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:54

Well at least he can't blame you for a crime he commited as well. Hope you don't get in trouble, but it is kinda your own fault.

JonDG 12

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Wednesday 25 June 2014 22:23

its not a crime to ditch work. I say they deserved it because they lied just to stay home. They deserve to get fired for that sort of thing. Luckily, their boss doesnt have a good reason to fire them since they did the same thing.

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:54

Here's to hoping you don't get written up while he gets away with it

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:55

Bumped into each other at the Strip Club huh? Good choice.

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:12

That name happens to go perfectly with your comment.

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:55

Offer to buy them something

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:19

Hopefully, your bribery... pays off. Get it cuz bribery and pay off is...No you're right... I'm sorry, I'll let myself out now.

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:24

No..its not funny when you explain your joke.

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:31

Thanks, professor, is there anything else I should know?

lifa 16

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:55

Dummy. YDI

silvercamaro 22

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Tuesday 24 June 2014 4:41

There's a button for that.

the_weird_girl 10

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:56

You'll laugh about it later......

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Monday 23 June 2014 23:04

In line at the unemployment office. -"Damn cutbacks and corporate downsizing. My entire office was off-shored. How'd you lose your job?" -"It's a funny story actually..."

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Monday 23 June 2014 22:56

Well if both of you did the same, just hush up and say nothing... Just do the nod and move on.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025

You deserved it 134

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 301