Work: Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops...

By Alice - Australia

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

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Work

Walk on the wild side

Season finale

It's not unusual

By Anonymous - United States - Kapolei

Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML

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By gregm97 - 6/6/2020 05:03

Motel 6 to 9

Today, after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip, we saw that the room was made. As we were getting ready to sleep, I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed. When we told the front desk about this, they told us to "fuck off." FML

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By Full Stomach Empty Wallet - United States - Danvers

Today, I discovered that the five-star meal that my friend treated me to last night was actually meant to be repayment of the $200 I loaned her last month. I needed that money for bills and she refuses to give me another cent. FML

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By belladonna1025 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to snapchat that said "the love of my life." It was a pic of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "the 2nd love of my life." It was a pic of the fuel truck he drives for work. FML

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By shinymcface

Today, I went to the bathroom at work and there was a reed diffuser placed on the tank of the toilet. As I sat down, my hair knocked it off and the reed diffuser landed behind me, spilling the scented oil into my butt crack and vagina, burning me completely. I only had to work 6 more hours. FML

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By kylie b

Today, my mom yelled at me for taking too long at a job interview, and that it was a waste of her time to drive me to it; I just quit my job, moved away from my boyfriend and the coast to help take care of her in Idaho. FML

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35980

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I drove my truck into the garage for a couple of minor repairs. It was returned on a flatbed with a blown engine. FML

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By neverhealthy

Which toppings?

Today, I read that food cravings are only supposed to last a couple of minutes. I have been craving and dreaming about pizza for a month straight, and the urge is only getting stronger. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka

Today, my parents used my going away party as a cover up for my sister's surprise party. I didn't know until they brought out the cake. FML

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By StinkyDogs - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

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By MandMandM - United States

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

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By lobotomy pls - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

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28234

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By neverunderstood - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

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By bu09 - United States

Today, all of my friends and teachers asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and tired. One kid even said that I looked like "an abused housewife the day after." I was fine. It was the first time I went to school without wearing any makeup. FML

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By Down - United States

Today, my ex told me he broke up with me because he loved me, and that he was afraid of the commitment. He's living with his new girlfriend now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out that when I asked my buddy to make sure my girlfriend was safe while I was abroad, he really did; he even used a condom. FML

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By Olihime - United Kingdom

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

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14040

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By kennarama - United States

Today, I sat a client down for his haircut. He pulled off his hat and his hair was dripping wet. I asked him if he had just washed it. He responded, "No, but isn't it a hot day out?" No, it's twenty degrees and overcast today. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 11:01

Classic switcheroo

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

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By SmellyLeg

Today, my bike slipped on ice and I slid spectacularly for several meters. While my helmet saved me from a cracked skull, nothing could protect me from landing leg-first in the dog poop somebody hadn't bothered to pick up. I had to go to school like that. FML

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3227

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 05:00

Get out

Today, while I was working in a department store, two 15-year-old kids started having sex in a changing room. When I found them, the boy pulled out and said, "You want in, bitch?" I then had to prevent his jealous, half-naked girlfriend from murdering me. FML

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By loner - United States - Madison

Today, I noticed that I get more calls from people who've dialed the wrong number than I do from people I actually know. FML

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32191

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By Pissssd - United States

Today, I interviewed for a job at a pharmaceutical lab. During the interview, I said something about a past work experience that made the interviewers think that I would enjoy doing something similar to that... so they gave me a warehouse job instead. I have a degree in chemistry and biology. FML

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By Cat - Greece - Athens

Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work. Before talking to him, I texted my work group I wasn’t feeling well after they invited me out. As I was chatting with what I thought was my boyfriend, I said, “I want your penis inside me.” And then realized I'd texted my work group. FML

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1192

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By Weddingbelles - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

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By whyme

Help

Today, feeling so depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, I texted a girl I had a crush on. Her response? "Can you please delete my number, you're getting annoying." FML

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35414

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By perfectman - Australia - Sydney

Today, it was my first time meeting my fiancé's parents. My future mother-in-law had cooked steak, hearing it was my favourite food. I somehow managed to bite my tongue, and then blurt out "F*ck!" just after she asked me how it was. FML

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By friend loves a gay guy... - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

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57072

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By thedullard - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

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By technicallywroteabook - United States - Grapevine

Today, I turned in an essay about a book I'd read over the summer. My teacher later called me to her desk and began to gush about how interesting the book sounded and asked to borrow my copy. The book I wrote about is not real, and the main characters are named after my childhood pets. FML

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By Embarrassed daughter.. - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

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By internetloser - United States - Kewaskum

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How you may ask? He used the adult swim "we should see other people" commercial. FML

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3487

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274

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By Anonymous - United States - Midlothian

Today, during parent/teacher conferences, my mom told my Chemistry teacher that I have an intense crush on him. There are still 7 months left in the school year. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 23:01

Between a rock and a soft place

Today, it's our eighth anniversary. My husband has struggled for a while with erectile dysfunction, and tonight he decided it wasn't worth trying. So now, he's sitting at home, soft, while I'm eating Taco Bell in the car. FML

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1642

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By Anonymous - Germany - Lahr

Today, after several sleepless nights full of crying, I went to my university's free help center. After telling the psychologist my problems and asking what to do, he looked at me blankly and said, "Uh, it's not depression, I guess. You should go out more and, like, party some more." FML

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By a - United Kingdom - Ascot

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

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By 315 - United States

Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#2573135 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:04

The guy really needs to concentrate on more important things than juice.

By shadow33456 | 1

#2573109 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:00

haha wow what a idiot

COMMENTS

By shadow33456 | 1

#2573109 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:00

haha wow what a idiot

BREADEDELF | 3

#2573126 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:02

what *an* idiot

IHATETROLLSS | 0

#2573205 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:19

get off his nuts grammar nazi

Juliaa15 | 6

#2573220 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

babyyappld | 7

#2573254 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:29

bitches be crazy

edteach | 0

#2573458 - Friday 27 May 2011 13:30

wouldn't that be a ph of 7.1 and above?

swimchica22 | 0

#2573725 - Friday 27 May 2011 15:12

28-does it really matter.......

notsocrazee | 0

#2573767 - Friday 27 May 2011 15:29

28-that is7.1 or less actually.

and I agree with #1, guy's stupid:P

YacL | 15

#2573771 - Friday 27 May 2011 15:32

He sounds a little more insane to me. A little more than most people anyway...

shaneac | 0

#2574088 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:17

#1, you creeper! I love Minecraft, it's so addicting.

AlterrOnmi | 0

#2574139 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:54

28- pH7.1? I sure that water or something..now if he gave him lemon juice that a pH of 2.2

herrobear | 0

#2574578 - Friday 27 May 2011 20:04

28, acids are ph under 7....7.1 is probably water. Above 7 is more basic.

franniedottp | 8

#2575972 - Saturday 28 May 2011 1:16

why are we arguing about pH levels?

SeaNDouble | 1

#2576548 - Saturday 28 May 2011 3:01

no 6.9 and below is acidic... 7.1 and up is basic

alisa162 | 0

#2576909 - Saturday 28 May 2011 4:28

Haha why the fluck are you guys talking about acids and stuff?! O.o

swimchica22 | 0

#2576995 - Saturday 28 May 2011 4:46

why does everyone have to try and be such smart asses.....

monkeebalz | 0

#2577220 - Saturday 28 May 2011 5:36

shut up

JawneeG | 0

#2577245 - Saturday 28 May 2011 5:41

-7- By the nine.... You are right

joblessalex | 0

#2577607 - Saturday 28 May 2011 6:21

7.1 is basic I'm sure. Maybe you are thinking of 6.9?

zuzupetalsYO | 11

#2646957 - Thursday 9 June 2011 8:48

I think this FML is fake

bldouglas | 0

#3318215 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 21:49

cuz they deal with ph balances to grow their goods. and since they smoke their goods they like to argue about it on internet lol. nothin wrong with that

By ThatFatGuyBehind | 3

#2573118 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:01

Wow that's quite the heavy fail right there

GreenMaze | 0

#2574146 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:59

did you gave him some base to neutralized the acid.

Alex94xela | 0

#2574171 - Friday 27 May 2011 18:12

give him a cup of detergent to neutralize the acid enjoy xd

phatdaddy62 | 23

#2574626 - Friday 27 May 2011 20:13

Baking Soda.

superguppy19 | 3

#2574959 - Friday 27 May 2011 21:28

give not gave

By redbluegreen | 40

#2573135 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:04

The guy really needs to concentrate on more important things than juice.

jennifer93 | 0

#2573179 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:12

Teehee. concentrate. juice. hehe

xalerion | 0

#2573185 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:13

maybe he didn't want to concentrate as much as the juice

fleh | 0

#2574079 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:12

good observation #7

FruitSalad4225 | 0

#2574303 - Friday 27 May 2011 19:14

ICWUDT

By 808Boyo | 4

#2573158 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:08

hahaha Im picturing a really gay guy sitting in a corner complaining..."you messed up my fucking juice!"

Juliaa15 | 6

#2573229 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:23

What does his sexuality have to do with anything?

Mean_Mr_Mustard | 9

#2573385 - Friday 27 May 2011 13:06

He could being using gay as in dumb, not homosexual. Could be, I am not saying he is though.

cbnano12 | 0

#2573456 - Friday 27 May 2011 13:29

it's worse if he's using gay as dumb

By jennifer93 | 0

#2573191 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:14

haha can you imagine the talk at that police station that day? cops must get the weirdest call ins

DesB | 7

#2576750 - Saturday 28 May 2011 3:49

I heard of this lady calling the cops because McDonalds ran out of French fries!!! she ended up going to jail lol people call for the stupidest things now a days

By qasimahsan93 | 4

#2573193 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:14

At which point you called the cops because he was harassing you out of pure spite? :P

By seenyou | 3

#2573209 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:19

wow , major over reaction . that's just annoying

nerdfighteria | 7

#2969541 - Monday 25 July 2011 5:53

It's just the kind of annoying over-reaction that belongs on notalwaysright. OP, you should post it there.

By rattusrattus | 18

#2573233 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:24

*prays that this guy never becomes President/Prime Minister/Head Honcho etc.*

I would not want to live in this guy's perception of reality, where the police arrest people for excessively acidic juice.