Work: Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops...

By Alice - Australia

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

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Work

A saint

Sounds like a catch

Free carer

By ShittyProposal - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML

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By KMO - United States

Today, I decided to take a peek in my fiancé's vow book to see how far he's got. The only thing in there was the lyrics to a song from the movie Shrek. FML

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By QueueJumper - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line at a clothes store when someone cut in in front of me, and the gentlemen in front of me. I shouted, "Hey! Queue starts back here!". He responded by pointing out the "gentlemen" in front was actually a very realistic mannequin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middletown

Today, my live-in mother-in-law brazenly swiped most of the money from my wallet, then walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. The worst thing is that my wife believes anything she says, so I can't do a damn thing about it. FML

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By WTF.

Today, I was interviewed by a WalMart employee for a position in their pharmacy. I didn't get the job. I was more qualified than the woman who gave me the interview. FML

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By p0isonOreo68 - 8/11/2020 08:03

Alexa, play "These Things Take Time" by The Smiths

Today, I broke my glasses, so I scheduled an appointment to get a new pair. The soonest available appointment? November 21st. FML

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By airbiscuit - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Sensitive

Today, my hubby asked for a morning blow job, and I happily obliged. All was going great until he came and farted at the same time. I laughed and reassured him it was no big deal. He cried. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I pretended to have a heart attack so my baby sister would know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she drank my soda instead of helping me. FML

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By nitwit - Greece

Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plano

Today, I arrived at my grandparents'. They already had guests so I had to sleep in the cottage. It wasn’t that bad until when I was making the bed I found a dead rotting possum in the blankets. When I told my grandmother, she simply said, "Deal with it, wimp." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was playing a game on my phone, an unknown number sent me a nude picture and the words "Miss you, baby." This person's mistake just cost me a black eye, and probably my relationship too. FML

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By 4fucksake - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

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By Ouchies - United States

Today, I took my first shower in weeks after having had spinal surgery. My sister flushed a toilet. I couldn't reach the nozzle or my cane to get off the shower bench, and all I could do was sit there as scalding hot water sprayed all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

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By larrythelobster - United States

Today, one of my junior marines called to tell me they were in an accident that totaled both cars. The car he hit was parked in a nearby parking garage. It was mine. FML

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By applegreen - Ireland - Limerick

Today, while getting a breast exam for some suspicious lumps, I was lying on the table with my boobs exposed and I learned my doctor is afraid of wasps. I had to chase the wasp out whilst topless. FML

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By blacklove - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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By HGTV - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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By Triedtobecool - Canada

Smart move

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

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By SummerJob

Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Lovely bundles of joy

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was watching The Omen with my father. A little bit into the movie my dad turned to me and said, "Wow, you really looked like that Damien kid when you were little." Apparently I strangely resemble the anti-christ, and I am a teenage girl. Thanks Dad. FML

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By kids say the darnedest things - United States - Denver

Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mum thought it would be acceptable to tell my school that the reason I will not be attending classes is because I have "the shits." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 20:01

Bad guy (duh)

Today, I had to fake enthusiasm when my girlfriend told me she's pregnant. She has a nasty streak and I was planning to break up with her, but if I left her now everyone would think I’m the bad guy. And I actually think she’s capable of killing me if she gets angry enough. FML

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By Funless - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By Jssceli09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were using our skype accounts for the first time. He went to the restroom and I thought that I'd surprise him with my clothes off for when he came back. I heard him walk back into the room so I got into position. It wasn't him. It was his mom. FML

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By not gay in AL - United States

Today, my dad seemed moody, so to lift his spirits, I told him I loved him. He just snorted, "You gay or something, boy?" Really mature, dad, really mature. FML

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By Satver7

An Inconvenient Thief

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I found out that my husband and my cat have something in common; they both like to lick themselves. FML

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By Silent - United Kingdom

Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. FML

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By holycommander - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. I was woken up by my mother breaking into my house to tell me I need to get ready for work. Then she got mad that I had a girl over. I'm 20. FML

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By whippingpost

Drunken lout

Today, I learned a co-worker called and awoke my boss at 3 a.m. to complain that I'd been "rude" to him. All I'd done was make a disapproving face because he'd been drinking and he was slobbering drunk, and wanted to charge his purchase to his employee account, a definite no-no when not on the clock. FML

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By Danny - Australia

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

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By RazorBumps - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I have "crotch acne". When I attempted to explain that I have razor bumps from shaving, he got mad and said I was lying and insecure about my obvious facial and bodily acne problem. FML

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By taurus05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

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By Cassie - United States

Today, my crush and I were talking on the phone and we were really hitting it off. We got on the subject of sex and I told him I have a purity ring. Then he suddenly said he had to go and hang up. FML

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By Danny

Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML

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By Carpet cleaner - Canada

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#2573135 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:04

The guy really needs to concentrate on more important things than juice.

By shadow33456 | 1

#2573109 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:00

haha wow what a idiot

COMMENTS

By shadow33456 | 1

#2573109 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:00

haha wow what a idiot

BREADEDELF | 3

#2573126 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:02

what *an* idiot

IHATETROLLSS | 0

#2573205 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:19

get off his nuts grammar nazi

Juliaa15 | 6

#2573220 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

babyyappld | 7

#2573254 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:29

bitches be crazy

edteach | 0

#2573458 - Friday 27 May 2011 13:30

wouldn't that be a ph of 7.1 and above?

swimchica22 | 0

#2573725 - Friday 27 May 2011 15:12

28-does it really matter.......

notsocrazee | 0

#2573767 - Friday 27 May 2011 15:29

28-that is7.1 or less actually.

and I agree with #1, guy's stupid:P

YacL | 15

#2573771 - Friday 27 May 2011 15:32

He sounds a little more insane to me. A little more than most people anyway...

shaneac | 0

#2574088 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:17

#1, you creeper! I love Minecraft, it's so addicting.

AlterrOnmi | 0

#2574139 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:54

28- pH7.1? I sure that water or something..now if he gave him lemon juice that a pH of 2.2

herrobear | 0

#2574578 - Friday 27 May 2011 20:04

28, acids are ph under 7....7.1 is probably water. Above 7 is more basic.

franniedottp | 8

#2575972 - Saturday 28 May 2011 1:16

why are we arguing about pH levels?

SeaNDouble | 1

#2576548 - Saturday 28 May 2011 3:01

no 6.9 and below is acidic... 7.1 and up is basic

alisa162 | 0

#2576909 - Saturday 28 May 2011 4:28

Haha why the fluck are you guys talking about acids and stuff?! O.o

swimchica22 | 0

#2576995 - Saturday 28 May 2011 4:46

why does everyone have to try and be such smart asses.....

monkeebalz | 0

#2577220 - Saturday 28 May 2011 5:36

shut up

JawneeG | 0

#2577245 - Saturday 28 May 2011 5:41

-7- By the nine.... You are right

joblessalex | 0

#2577607 - Saturday 28 May 2011 6:21

7.1 is basic I'm sure. Maybe you are thinking of 6.9?

zuzupetalsYO | 11

#2646957 - Thursday 9 June 2011 8:48

I think this FML is fake

bldouglas | 0

#3318215 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 21:49

cuz they deal with ph balances to grow their goods. and since they smoke their goods they like to argue about it on internet lol. nothin wrong with that

By ThatFatGuyBehind | 3

#2573118 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:01

Wow that's quite the heavy fail right there

GreenMaze | 0

#2574146 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:59

did you gave him some base to neutralized the acid.

Alex94xela | 0

#2574171 - Friday 27 May 2011 18:12

give him a cup of detergent to neutralize the acid enjoy xd

phatdaddy62 | 23

#2574626 - Friday 27 May 2011 20:13

Baking Soda.

superguppy19 | 3

#2574959 - Friday 27 May 2011 21:28

give not gave

By redbluegreen | 40

#2573135 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:04

The guy really needs to concentrate on more important things than juice.

jennifer93 | 0

#2573179 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:12

Teehee. concentrate. juice. hehe

xalerion | 0

#2573185 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:13

maybe he didn't want to concentrate as much as the juice

fleh | 0

#2574079 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:12

good observation #7

FruitSalad4225 | 0

#2574303 - Friday 27 May 2011 19:14

ICWUDT

By 808Boyo | 4

#2573158 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:08

hahaha Im picturing a really gay guy sitting in a corner complaining..."you messed up my fucking juice!"

Juliaa15 | 6

#2573229 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:23

What does his sexuality have to do with anything?

Mean_Mr_Mustard | 9

#2573385 - Friday 27 May 2011 13:06

He could being using gay as in dumb, not homosexual. Could be, I am not saying he is though.

cbnano12 | 0

#2573456 - Friday 27 May 2011 13:29

it's worse if he's using gay as dumb

By jennifer93 | 0

#2573191 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:14

haha can you imagine the talk at that police station that day? cops must get the weirdest call ins

DesB | 7

#2576750 - Saturday 28 May 2011 3:49

I heard of this lady calling the cops because McDonalds ran out of French fries!!! she ended up going to jail lol people call for the stupidest things now a days

By qasimahsan93 | 4

#2573193 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:14

At which point you called the cops because he was harassing you out of pure spite? :P

By seenyou | 3

#2573209 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:19

wow , major over reaction . that's just annoying

nerdfighteria | 7

#2969541 - Monday 25 July 2011 5:53

It's just the kind of annoying over-reaction that belongs on notalwaysright. OP, you should post it there.

By rattusrattus | 18

#2573233 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:24

*prays that this guy never becomes President/Prime Minister/Head Honcho etc.*

I would not want to live in this guy's perception of reality, where the police arrest people for excessively acidic juice.