Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have.... - FML

By Talis - 12/1/2016 13:24 - United States - Eureka

Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

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My body, my choice

Not gonna happen

TMI

By fuzzy1895 - 11/9/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I found out why I had been waking up feeling like crap for the past week. I found tufts of cat fur in my pillow case, and I am allergic to cats. My little brother thought I would get so sick, and he could have my XBox. FML

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By aj513 - 29/11/2015 01:20 - United States - New Bedford

Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parent's bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML

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By nuerrotticc - 6/1/2011 08:58

Today, I had a panic attack at 2am because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window. FML

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By figures - 16/11/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I got a card from the jewelry store thanking me for purchasing an engagement ring a year ago and wishing me and my fiancée a long and everlasting marriage. Too bad my fiancée took off with the pizza delivery boy 6 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 23:00

Love is blind

Today, my ex-wife confessed to me that she's in love with my father and broke down crying because he's never approved of her. FML

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By Anna - 13/7/2013 04:40 - United States - New York

Today, I was using a public restroom. As I lowered my pants, a man's head and arms popped out over the divider. He took a picture and immediately rushed out. FML

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By creepedout - 31/7/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 05:00

Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML

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By unfucked - 26/8/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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By Bellagirl - 19/7/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

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By dentistftw - 8/8/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, was my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

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By Feema - 9/1/2020 14:00 - United States

I am his girlfriend

Today, right after sex, my boyfriend told me that I was as good as a man, and all that I was missing was a strap-on penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 07:43 - United States

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's car from another girl telling him she hoped he liked the flowers. These were the same flowers he gave me while I was in the hospital, just after having his kid. FML

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By James - 30/3/2012 18:44 - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By fuckingcool - 6/6/2016 04:56

Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

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By seeminglyunsexy - 14/8/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, my wife decided she didn't want to lose weight with me. We were trying to decide on a reward for each pound lost. I suggested sex as the reward. She felt it wasn't fair to punish her just because I lost weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML

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By Damm - 24/1/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I have an auto immune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

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By Pissy pants - 24/11/2018 13:30

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

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By Conspiratea - 1/7/2018 19:00

Today, I'm in the hospital for a broken hip and cerebral hemorrhage, bedridden with a continuous headache. My roommate has dementia and shouts and cries all day about a hospital conspiracy where everybody is drinking tea all the time except her. This will be a long month. FML

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By wdavi022 - 5/1/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

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By epistaxis - 2/2/2009 00:43 - Australia

Today, I am staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

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By s - 9/12/2016 02:38

Today, I parked in a "Disabled" space. A woman and her kids comes yelling at me about how I don't look disabled and I was just being selfish. I roll my pants up to reveal two prosthetic legs. She then yells at me that I should have warned her before showing my legs since it could scare her kids. FML

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By Tiff676 - 16/8/2009 04:31 - Canada

Today, I was working at the theater as an Usher. A man comes up to me and gives me his ticket. At the same time, he takes a sip of water and suddenly felt the need to sneeze. The water came out from his nose and landed all over my face. I was covered with his mucus and had to wish him a good movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 23:24 - Canada

Today, I finally had enough money to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring, which I was going to pick up after work. On my way to work, I slid on the ice and crashed into a parked vehicle. The damage to my car is almost twice the amount of the ring. FML

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By wow - 28/5/2014 23:08 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML

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By James4929 - 8/1/2010 00:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a long-haul plane journey home from my holiday. After 5 hours, I decided to stretch my arms whilst watching a movie. Little did I know that a little girl was approaching, running down the aisle as my arm stretched out. I accidentally clothes-lined a little 9 year old girl. FML

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By a.baybay - 7/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By :/ - 4/2/2013 00:26 - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By lookslikeaboyapparently - 19/10/2010 21:23 - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl came up to me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I said, "I'm a girl of course!" She walked away, looking dazed and saying, "Whoa." FML

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By deuceaddict - 3/11/2017 21:00

Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2017 22:00

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

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By the_music_major - 19/10/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

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By EmbarrassedDaughter - 23/5/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was on my bed on top of my boyfriend when I lost my balance and fell. My father walked in the door to see what the noise was. I don't know what is more embarrassing, my father walking in, or him walking in saying "Thats an expensive bed." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my mom asked why my three-year-old son is named Trevor. After I told her it was from my favorite game, GTA V, she hit me over the head with a shoe. FML

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By ashbox233 - 9/11/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, someone reckoned that I would never be in a relationship. So I made up this whole story about some made up guy named 'Nick' and posted stuff on my Facebook and Myspace that I'm dating him. Now all my friends want to meet him. FML

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By Flora - 17/4/2013 22:56 - United States - Watsonville

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

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By Tick - 20/8/2018 22:35

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

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By Originality18 - 24/2/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

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By Yoda - 8/7/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

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Top comments

By BDanzeisen | 20

#6508576 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:41

Whoever said the customer is always right was a moron

By cacheson | 41

#6508586 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:47

If he was that out of it you could have probably just made or given him a random dressing and he wouldn't have noticed

COMMENTS

By BDanzeisen | 20

#6508576 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:41

Whoever said the customer is always right was a moron

Reply

SkylineFTW97 | 25

#6508583 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:45

Also a tad bit sadistic. That's why working with people in general is an FML.

Reply

fezhafeez | 12

#6508629 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 19:44

horrible bosses 3, starring your boss

Reply

DexBanWhore | 6

#6508636 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 19:48

the customer is only right till your out of eye and ear shot.

Reply

cupcakebruh | 21

#6508675 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 20:45

This happened to my aunt last year on her birthday, only it was the other way around. She was the drunk and she stormed into the kitchen demanding a certain type of steak sauce. When they told her they were out, she started to make her own..

Reply

LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6508686 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 21:03

That's why I like one of the signs I see at Jimmy John's. The customer is usually right.

Reply

SkylineFTW97 | 25

#6508713 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 22:27

More like the customer is usually an idiot. But, I guess that's not very marketable.

Reply

oiler | 21

#6508739 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 23:07

i guess he wasnt asking for the white creamy stuff...

Reply

Delta_0DST | 12

#6509355 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 16:16

Either a moron, or never worked in retail.

By cheesyfeet2001 | 31

#6508578 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:43

Sounds like a recipe for disaster :p

Reply

Oyas12 | 14

#6508703 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 21:52

I see what you did there!

By saifnaqvi11 | 21

#6508579 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:43

You should have told him that you weren't the one doing the pushing

By cacheson | 41

#6508586 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:47

If he was that out of it you could have probably just made or given him a random dressing and he wouldn't have noticed

Reply

sturschaedel | 27

#6508626 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 19:41

Yeah, or mix two premade dressings to approximately match the color of the one he wants. He probably ruined his taste buds for the night already.

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6509011 - Wednesday 13 January 2016 5:32

Or called the cops

By Tejanoswhy | 19

#6508589 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:50

Your boss is a dick

By Bandicoot88 | 16

#6508591 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:52

Lmao who gets drunk and decides to eat a salad?
It just doesn't seem right

By Tripartita | 44

#6508594 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:54

If it's any consolation, just imagine that man was extremely disoriented and thought he was requesting you mix up an antidote to the lethal poison he mistakenly ingested before being interrupted and assaulted by a rectangular metal beast.

Reply

hellnosucka | 27

#6508624 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 19:40

she must possess a great imagination to jump to that conclusion. although admittedly, that's probably what happened.

By bunnyfish | 27

#6508595 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:54

Your boss should be mad at whoever didn't cut him off.

By whysobeachy | 37

#6508596 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:54

Aren't there cameras at your workplace, to help you prove your point?

By nickie_94 | 18

#6508597 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 18:56

Nope. Time to find a new job. No one should have to be disrespected that way