Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML
Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML
Today, an accident, which ripped off skin off of one side of my penis (which healed fine) a year ago, now has a side effect. If I sit on a hard chair too long, that area gets numb to the point of being extremely uncomfortable and the only solution is to stand up and rub it until the numbness goes away. FML
Today, I was naked and the wife tried to flick my bum with a wet towel. Unfortunately I bent over at the wrong moment and the towel cracked right against the underside of my dangling penis. The whole underside is bruised, it hurts to pee, and God help me tomorrow if I get morning wood. FML
Today, I ripped my old, worn underwear while trying to pick a wedgie in public. Half ended up in my hand. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML
Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML
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Top comments
Flyersfan54 4
It sucks when you get it done later in life.
airforce987 20
Somehow I doubt that 19
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Comments (180)
Herculesninja27 5
Maybe you can try kicking the 300 toothpicks now haha
BradTheBrony 19
'Cause that's TOTALLY not the joke. HUUUURRRRRRRRR
doglover569 0
Your poor penis!!! Leave them.. Just leave them dude!
SystemofaBlink41 27
Why don't you kick all the toothpicks into your hand?
PandaKitteh 20
Because that's impossible.
SkoomaKi 28
"Nothing is impossible" - Hubert Farmsworth
blondpr0fet 5
Gym shorts might work better than jeans. Maybe just a bit.
Deannie88 6
I would just leave them until someone is nice enough to help you out. If not, find a stick and put double sided tape at the end, might take a while but it'll do! Unless the tape and stick are out of your reach....-__- I tried...
theanimepanda 4
jeans??? no, sweat pants or gym shorts. much better that way
AnthonyWheeler15 24
300 is quite a lot
kimg0885 23
Just the tip.Wow FYL!!! Seriously I am so sorry.
AliceLockehart 18
Archer! :)
kimg0885 23
No no from Year One with Jack Black. Ya know when Abraham is trying to convince Issac to get an adult circumcision. He says something like" my son god just told me we must cut our penis's... Jus the tip.
AliceLockehart 18
Ohhh, my bad. Haha. Archer is brilliant though. & Jack Black is the bomb :3
br0ccoli 15
Why are you getting circumcised later in life? Do you know how many pleasurable nerve endings you just cut? There are so many guys who want their foreskin back. I'm not male though so I can't really give my personal opinion.
All_I_Need 4
Phimosis perhaps. That's a bit sad but it was probably painful for the OP.
br0ccoli 15
On an episode of Scrubs, the doctor said that the patient should ********** 5x a week to pull his foreskin down gradually because he had phimosis...but that's Scrubs so I don't know whether or not that makes real-life, medical sense or not...? Circumcision just seems so...painful.
djsaxby 1
I'd like mine back
AidenSurvival 7
Lots of tylenol will help. I had mine circumcised when I was...BORN.
KiddNYC1O 22
Not only at birth, friend.
kimg0885 23
Actually they try and do it right away, so the baby won't remember the pain.