Miscellaneous: Today, I'm 65 years old, and I've been given a bottle of wine... - FML

By Phil - 21/12/2008 12:14 - France

Today, I'm 65 years old, and I've been given a bottle of wine produced in the year I was born. The wine tastes foul; not a good omen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 349

You deserved it 2 928

The smell detective is on the case

Broken heart

Late term

The Conversationalist

By Anonymous - 13/09/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 368

By ThaBoss12 - 01/11/2014 22:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw what my mom handed out for trick-or-treaters last night. Toothbrushes. Yup, we're that house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 679

You deserved it 3 510

By Anonymous - 20/08/2019 16:00

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 671

You deserved it 179

By yupppp - 08/08/2011 18:12 - United States

Today, I was talking with my mom about getting my school photos retouched. I believe her exact words were, "They'll take one look at you, and charge me triple." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 104

You deserved it 3 921

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 07:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 877

You deserved it 3 584

By RetailJocky - 15/08/2017 13:00

Today, at work, a bag of driveway repair tar split and spilled in my arms and hands. Not only does it stain and pull out any arm hair it touches, the stains also look like I was playing in dog poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 333

You deserved it 277

Underperforming

By ThatIsNotIt - 24/01/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 237

You deserved it 141

By Anonymous - 28/09/2012 20:10 - United States - Kankakee

Today, I fell asleep in class. One minute I'm listening to a lecture, and twenty-five minutes later, I'm waking up screaming in agony in front of everyone after biting my tongue in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 720

You deserved it 11 391

By AngelAshley - 22/02/2010 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 542

You deserved it 39 683

By Anonymous - 27/05/2016 04:07 - United States - Taylors

Today, I was playing basketball in the searing heat with my friends. I jokingly told my friend that I was gonna die if I stayed out there much longer. Two minutes later, I got the ball and made the shot that won. Too bad I didn't see it, since I collapsed right as I took the shot and blacked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 013

You deserved it 1 385

By jaxattax - 20/10/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 509

You deserved it 82 748

Truth hurts

By andthatshowitgoes - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my adorable 8 year-old son told me he no longer wanted me to pick him up from school. When I asked why, he said, "I told everyone at school my mommy is pretty and I don't want people to know I lied." FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 325

You deserved it 5 215

By Anonymous - 13/05/2016 03:46 - United States - Nampa

Today, I took my binder on a short road trip two hours away from my home, so that I could study for my upcoming finals. When I got home, I realized I that had left my binder all the way there, containing my notes, classwork, homework, finals notes, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 936

You deserved it 3 743

By Rachael - 30/11/2012 07:29 - Australia

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 050

You deserved it 1 859

By rj - 12/05/2012 14:42 - United States - Goddard

Spicy

Today, my wife told me she was pregnant. I don't remember having sex since last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 390

You deserved it 5 800

By ouchmynose - 18/02/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 225

You deserved it 7 075

By ugh - 04/07/2016 17:26 - United States - Milford

Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 352

You deserved it 1 099

By alii2349 - 11/02/2014 03:16 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend's cat for staring at me, then cried about it for an hour. Pregnancy life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 399

You deserved it 10 004

By sadfantasy - 31/03/2016 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 868

You deserved it 1 613

By badass - 13/08/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I started to fall in love with my wife again. We are in the middle of a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 338

You deserved it 18 336

By Alfie4 - 05/03/2012 22:30 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 202

You deserved it 10 356

By Username - 21/08/2011 09:59 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out apparently, I have a weird looking vagina. How? My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He took one look at my vagina and with a look of horror said, "I have never seen one this GROSS." He's a gynecologist and probably sees 20 vaginas a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 733

You deserved it 7 877

By heart-broken - 03/07/2009 01:33 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 788

You deserved it 8 720

The Lady in Red

By Anonymous - 08/06/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I was at a party. The music changed to a slow dance. Everybody grabbed a partner and I was left on the dancefloor alone. Suddenly, this guy walked up to me. I swore that he was going to ask me to dance. He then said, "Could you hold me my drink?" and went to dance with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 110

You deserved it 3 900

By NotALady - 15/12/2016 22:20

Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache. I clenched my cheeks together and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes and a clogged toilet later, I exited the one-person bathroom to a line of very angry women. I had run into the wrong restroom. One of them threw a tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 344

You deserved it 1 614

By nick - 12/05/2010 09:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 216

You deserved it 5 972

Don't go to Sunn O))) concerts, kids

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 12:01 - United States - Mount Jackson

Today, my doctor told me that the intense, non stop ringing in my ears, which started suddenly at the beginning of the year, has no cure, no treatment options, and I just need to learn to live with it. I have severe auditory sensory issues, and have barely been getting by. I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 041

You deserved it 73

By girly - 12/04/2012 04:06 - United States - Canton

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 525

You deserved it 52 512

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 21:59 - New Zealand

Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 139

You deserved it 6 696

By neveragain89 - 06/01/2012 00:37 - Australia

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but 'it's his dream'. I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 725

You deserved it 5 308

By fmlalways - 22/01/2011 13:00 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 619

You deserved it 5 124

By Noname - 17/02/2009 08:30 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 807

You deserved it 13 422

The truth will out

By Anonymous - 10/06/2021 02:01

Today, after lying to my kid so she doesn’t learn how little her dad cares about her, my current husband, who didn’t know I was doing this, told her everything, such as how the last two times her dad flaked on picking her up was because he was in Vegas gambling, or in jail for hiring hookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 479

By Nyah Murphy - 05/12/2017 19:00

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 131

You deserved it 4 958

By Anonymous - 11/06/2016 12:39 - United States - Marietta

Today, I told my dad about my new diet. He somehow figured I was only doing it to look more attractive to guys, because he told me my weight is fine and that it's just my personality that needs work. Thanks a lot, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 351

You deserved it 1 699

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 25/09/2015 20:14 - Germany

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 489

You deserved it 2 490

By Anonymous - 28/03/2015 04:39 - United States - Madison

Today, my pyromaniac sister somehow got her hands on my dad's lighter and set my bed sheets on fire. My dad said I must have provoked her, and that she can't be blamed for her mental condition. So now I'm grounded, and she has a new doll house to calm her down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 656

You deserved it 2 419

By Anonymous - 08/08/2011 14:29 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 612

You deserved it 4 448

Here's to a better year

By tasian14 - 01/01/2021 17:01

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years decided on New Year's Eve to get on his knees and tell me that he cheated on me with his ex, and they're getting back together. Yay last day of 2020! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 182

You deserved it 71

By Carolina R-h - 18/06/2019 16:30

Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 213

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Top comments

fucktheworld943 0

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Sunday 15 March 2009 21:36

65 year olds go on fmylife.com?

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Saturday 14 February 2009 6:55

I always thought wine aged wonderfully for 5 years or so, then got exponentially worse?

Comments

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Saturday 14 February 2009 6:55

I always thought wine aged wonderfully for 5 years or so, then got exponentially worse?

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 20:31

Nah It does if it's bad wine or it's aged wrong. If it's done right it can be good.

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Friday 15 March 2013 17:03

^Correct, if it were aged properly, a 65 year old wine would be amazing.

Sipos 0

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Saturday 21 February 2009 13:38

Fortunately people mature much better than even the best wine.

fucktheworld943 0

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Sunday 15 March 2009 21:36

65 year olds go on fmylife.com?

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Thursday 23 July 2009 7:44

I call fake becasue 65 year olds DO NOT go on FML

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Wednesday 29 July 2009 21:15

it's not possible for old people to go on the internet? grow up. my grandpa, the same age, uses facebook and stuff. he uses internet ALL THE TIME. not everyone lives in the past.

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Sunday 3 April 2011 22:07

old people talking about the Internet makes me lol.

xxHaley2011xx 8

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Sunday 25 December 2011 2:26

My 75 year old grandma uses facebook.

rendezvous1111 3

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Thursday 17 May 2012 14:10

Hahaha that what i was thinking!

boxbrandon11 20

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Friday 29 June 2012 16:01

Haba first thing that popped into my head

inn0centaphid 19

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Monday 21 April 2014 4:30

Facebook and FML are two different things

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:23

lol shit

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Sunday 22 March 2009 20:51

after about ten years wine starts turning into vinegar.

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Wednesday 25 March 2009 8:13

I don't believe you are 65. Either you're lying, or your grandchildren (or some teenager) showed you how to use the internet, and typed this in for you. PROVE ME WRONG!!!

writergirl23 19

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Monday 19 March 2012 5:23

Not all 65 year olds are computer illiterate. I know many ppl in their 60's and they are all computer savvy. I even know a few in their late 70's who are.

dolphins_penny 5

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Friday 7 September 2012 23:58

my father is computer savvy and 65, excuse me. he was probably using a smart phone before u were in jr high. I like to see u code and make ur own programs like my dad.

Electrolight_fml 0

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Thursday 26 March 2009 22:10

This is not an FML at all :P

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Sunday 29 March 2009 21:12

agree with #5 nd 9 hehehehehe

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Sunday 29 March 2009 22:35

um...ur 65 yrs old and u go on this site...sad..saddd...sadddddd...well i guess old ppl's lives can get f*ked too lol

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Sunday 31 January 2010 19:19

I didn't see an age limit on the Internet? It's for everyone.

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Thursday 15 March 2012 5:04

At least he can use the spell check feature.

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Saturday 6 October 2012 22:54

Who let the bratty 10 year old have the computer again?

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Thursday 21 May 2009 6:15

Not a big deal. Wine always tastes foul. =

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Wednesday 15 September 2010 0:41

I agree

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 212

You deserved it 68

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 2 510