Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls...

By Battlebarney - 22/9/2016 10:58 - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

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Health

Serious times

Race against the clock

Buzzing the tower

By Anonymous - 1/5/2012 00:22 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew. He told me he learned about fire safety, so I asked him what he'd do if there were a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

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By mortified - 30/10/2010 04:12 - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2018 18:30 - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

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By anonymous - 18/2/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I realized that with all the money I've spent on repairs for my iPhone through the months, I could have bought a phone that doesn't die horribly whenever I so much as give it a mean look. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 17:01

Peaky Bladders

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house, dying to pee during a thunderstorm. Ran to the bathroom, but it was occupied. A huge thunderclap scared me pretty bad. When the door finally opened, my girlfriend's mom walked out, laughing. I realized the thunder scared me into peeing my pants. FML

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By Nicki - 21/12/2011 12:30 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I said something grammatically wrong during it. He chose to correct it. FML

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By BadassRumbleroar - 20/1/2012 03:46 - Canada

Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML

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By kittydead - 29/1/2009 01:05 - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

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By nnniii - 16/11/2015 04:55 - United States - Seattle

Today, I tried to give my first hand-job while wearing fuzzy socks in a carpeted room. I reached out to touch his penis and shocked him. FML

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By JordanVilleneuve - 28/1/2011 03:35 - Canada

Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML

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By Samantha - 29/3/2009 03:14 - Canada

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

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By yggiz - 29/8/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

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By bureaucracy - 29/1/2017 13:00 - United States - Bellingham

Today I went to the bus station to pick up a lost phone. Even after calling ahead the day before, I was turned away because I hadn't e-mailed. The website says to call and doesn't list an e-mail. I still don't have the phone. FML

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By kringr - 6/6/2011 00:52 - United States

Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML

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By facepalm - 18/11/2015 15:42 - United States

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - 4/7/2013 07:03 - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By my kids smell bad - 25/6/2019 06:48

Today, I got into a screaming match with the mother of my kids. I told her they need to bathe more often. According to her, anything more than once a week is excessive and bad for their skin. My kids play sports and smell like puppies from the pound. She doesn’t care. FML

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By failureparent - 21/3/2011 01:25 - United States

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

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By Rabite - 15/9/2016 14:48 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2015 01:28 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

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By chicoallen - 31/8/2011 18:45 - United States

Today, after getting off work from a horrible 16 hour shift, I went out to my truck. My windows were completely covered in window chalk, to the point that I couldn't leave. I had to spend the next hour and a half washing it all off while my manager laughed about it. FML

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By Fat Dad - 3/3/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

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By sykotoaster - 13/7/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I spend two hours inside a bar talking about how I never worry about my boyfriend cheating on me when he travels for work. Everyone told me I was lucky to have such a great relationship. When we all decided to go out on the patio for a smoke, we saw him making out with someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2017 01:30

Today, a stranger yelled, "Non-believers shouldn't wear these!" He then took my rosary and ran off. It belonged to my dead brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 10:57 - Denmark

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

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By Dinger1992 - 23/10/2012 13:19 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Spearfish

Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML

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By Peel - 13/12/2008 04:53 - France

Today, when I left the restaurant, the very handsome waiter whom I had been trying to tune all night says to me, in front of everyone "But why did you write your number on the table with hearts next to it? You know, I won't call you!" FML

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By arse of fire :( - 23/2/2013 00:31 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

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By annoyed - 20/2/2013 20:33 - United States - Paradise Valley

Today, I was so exhausted that I slept through my phone ringing, and later my doorbell ringing. My psycho mom freaked out, and thinking I was in trouble, broke a window to get inside. This all happened before 7am. FML

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By BeatenUpPup - 18/5/2009 12:22 - Canada

Today, my daughter and I were at a school carnival. At the face painting station, she sat down and asked for a kitty on her face. Next, she shoved me on a chair and whispered something into the lady's ear. I ended up with a 'black eye' by request of my own daughter. She's 4. FML

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By dontbuysamsung - 22/4/2012 20:06 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mobile phone wouldn't turn on. I took it in to the phone store, but they won't fix or replace it because the account is in my dad's name, not mine. He's abroad for the next month, and the only way to get a hold of him is on a number I only stored on my phone. FML

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By cjhgvb - 6/11/2014 00:48 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

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By FriendZone - 3/3/2017 16:00 - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

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By Liz - 26/3/2016 19:26 - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

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By tingleballs - 28/4/2016 14:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

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By LY2 - 25/10/2019 02:00

Keep it in the family

Today, I found out why my boyfriend won't come over anymore. He and my brother apparently had a "thing" before we started dating. FML

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By divorced - 7/3/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband's house and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave and she clung to his girlfriend and said 'Mommy, I don't want to leave.' She wasn't talking to me. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#6694254 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:17

She puts that shit on everything!

By WinterChild | 20

#6694255 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:19

I was going to try and come up with something witty but "she puts that shit on everything" takes this one.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#6694254 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:17

She puts that shit on everything!

kkows25 | 10

#6694441 - Friday 23 September 2016 19:16

bahaha

By WinterChild | 20

#6694255 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:19

I was going to try and come up with something witty but "she puts that shit on everything" takes this one.

Seabass_Chan | 33

#6694290 - Friday 23 September 2016 10:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

jesterinperil | 28

#6694535 - Saturday 24 September 2016 0:13

Ah, the sweet sting of irony.

By Jaelkus | 28

#6694256 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:20

Magic bullet time.

By trucker2 | 33

#6694257 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:22

She gave you the gift, that keeps on giving.... Just burns your balls to think about it...
Shoot the wench

bambisapphic | 18

#6694368 - Friday 23 September 2016 16:45

.......are you ok?

By species4872 | 19

#6694259 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:24

Did you get fries with that?

By MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6694260 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:29

Why do I feel like people are gonna say something along the line of "doesn't matter, had sex"?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6694282 - Friday 23 September 2016 9:06

Why do I feel like people aren't going to say anything along the lines of "doesn't matter, had sex"?

By Mauskau | 35

#6694265 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:44

If that's also from your girlfriend, I would suggest rethinking things. Hot sauce on your nuts sounds ridiculously painful.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6694283 - Friday 23 September 2016 9:08

I would suggest rethinking things just from the hot sauce alone.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6694266 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:46

I've heard of blue balls, but chili balls? I think you came up with a new name for gonorrhea. A hearty clap to you.

CliffyB03 | 28

#6694330 - Friday 23 September 2016 14:30

Hah. Clap

By 2simz | 24

#6694267 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:51

Hot sauce on your balls and gonorrhea? Fyl twice, OP

By vulcandarke | 6

#6694270 - Friday 23 September 2016 8:08

If she gave you gonorrhea, I'd say, kick her to the curb. Plus hot sauce...there?? She gotta go. I mean, that's just uncalled for.

DanielleinDC | 32

#6694457 - Friday 23 September 2016 19:59

Or maybe he cheated on her and got the clap from that, and she found out the hard way.