Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls...

By Battlebarney - 22/9/2016 10:58 - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

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Health

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Assumptions

Vultures

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 16:00

Not the one

Today, my ex, who I'm still love with, told me he's engaged. We weren't together for long because he didn't want a committed relationship. Guess it was just me. FML

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By hearing too much - 3/11/2019 02:00

The sound of silence

Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML

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By hannahk267 - 18/11/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

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By loveade11 - 12/1/2010 19:28 - France

Today, a police officer caught my girlfriend and me having sex. The officer was my dad, and we were butt naked in his new Ford Expedition. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 09:30 - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 17:08 - United States - Fresno

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 09:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

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By ... - 29/12/2011 15:24

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 07:35 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

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By sickened - 21/9/2014 18:23 - United Kingdom - Gateshead

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

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By sicufovoshxbsjdk - 7/8/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a 2 mile walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML

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By why - 12/10/2015 02:07 - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 12:00

Today, I have a gigantic zit inside my left nostril. Good news: no one can see it and no need for makeup on it. Bad news: my nose really itches, and I constantly feel like I'm about to sneeze it out like a foreign object. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 04:10 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I tried to hold my new boyfriend's hand while on a date. He let go quickly though, letting me know that we aren't at "that stage" of the relationship yet. We've been having sex for two weeks now. FML

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By jab43 - 23/7/2011 00:57 - United States

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

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By Mark - 6/6/2012 02:21 - United States

Today, it was the last day of school, and I said goodbye to one of my students. She then told me how to correctly pronounce her name. I'd said it wrong all year. FML

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By Toothless - 7/10/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

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By justfat - 12/3/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 07:18 - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

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By nitroman64 - 30/7/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I was visiting my girlfriend at her house. We heard the door bell ring. She told me to jump out the window thinking it was her dad. I jumped, landed wrong, and got hurt. It turns out we were ding-dong-ditched. FML

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By jayne_dhoe - 22/11/2009 07:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk and thought it would be funny to spray himself in the face with pepper spray. I was in his drunken firing line too. After him vomiting and being blinded for a few hours, he was fine. I, on the other hand, had a terrible allergic reaction and got rushed to hospital. FML

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By BlueMacaw - 16/9/2015 06:53 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd patronized for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 23:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for "cheating" on him by using a vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

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By 19kwhatever - 9/5/2013 01:22 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I told my family I'm going shopping with my friend "Emma". My sister's been teasing me about this saying, "Emma can't exist! She's not real! You don't have any friends." She's right. FML

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By Jonnyboo - 29/8/2009 12:13 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML

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By xsnqw - 19/1/2016 22:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

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By sohungry - 2/1/2012 12:18 - India

Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2014 23:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend was entertaining himself by shoving tampons up his nose and seeing how far across the bed he could blow them. This man is the father of my son. FML

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By loser4life - 30/7/2011 04:38 - United States

Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML

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By rybread - 1/3/2010 00:34 - United States

Today, I was on a crowded el train listening to my iPod touch. As I stepped off the train, my headphones got caught on a man's jacket and my iPod fell on the floor. The doors shut. I then watched the train pull away. With my iPod on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I managed to break my ankle by running it over with the wheelchair I've used on a daily basis for the last 6 years. FML

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By heartbrokenhaley - 23/1/2014 20:57 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

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By powerless - 14/8/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML

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By justmyluck - 26/8/2011 05:28 - Australia

Today, after waiting 3 months, I finally got my wedding dress back from the dry-cleaners. The dry cleaning lasted longer than the marriage. FML

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By We're still popping them - 27/2/2015 00:35 - United States - Fremont

Today, the neighbors called the cops because they heard "gun shots". My girlfriend and I were popping bubble wrap. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 01:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

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By leve80paladin - 25/10/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and my parents staged an intervention, and have asked me to go to rehab. What they want me to go to rehab for? World of Warcraft. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#6694254 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:17

She puts that shit on everything!

By WinterChild | 20

#6694255 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:19

I was going to try and come up with something witty but "she puts that shit on everything" takes this one.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#6694254 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:17

She puts that shit on everything!

kkows25 | 10

#6694441 - Friday 23 September 2016 19:16

bahaha

By WinterChild | 20

#6694255 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:19

I was going to try and come up with something witty but "she puts that shit on everything" takes this one.

Seabass_Chan | 33

#6694290 - Friday 23 September 2016 10:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

jesterinperil | 28

#6694535 - Saturday 24 September 2016 0:13

Ah, the sweet sting of irony.

By Jaelkus | 28

#6694256 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:20

Magic bullet time.

By trucker2 | 33

#6694257 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:22

She gave you the gift, that keeps on giving.... Just burns your balls to think about it...
Shoot the wench

bambisapphic | 18

#6694368 - Friday 23 September 2016 16:45

.......are you ok?

By species4872 | 19

#6694259 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:24

Did you get fries with that?

By MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6694260 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:29

Why do I feel like people are gonna say something along the line of "doesn't matter, had sex"?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6694282 - Friday 23 September 2016 9:06

Why do I feel like people aren't going to say anything along the lines of "doesn't matter, had sex"?

By Mauskau | 35

#6694265 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:44

If that's also from your girlfriend, I would suggest rethinking things. Hot sauce on your nuts sounds ridiculously painful.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6694283 - Friday 23 September 2016 9:08

I would suggest rethinking things just from the hot sauce alone.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6694266 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:46

I've heard of blue balls, but chili balls? I think you came up with a new name for gonorrhea. A hearty clap to you.

CliffyB03 | 28

#6694330 - Friday 23 September 2016 14:30

Hah. Clap

By 2simz | 24

#6694267 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:51

Hot sauce on your balls and gonorrhea? Fyl twice, OP

By vulcandarke | 6

#6694270 - Friday 23 September 2016 8:08

If she gave you gonorrhea, I'd say, kick her to the curb. Plus hot sauce...there?? She gotta go. I mean, that's just uncalled for.

DanielleinDC | 32

#6694457 - Friday 23 September 2016 19:59

Or maybe he cheated on her and got the clap from that, and she found out the hard way.