Health: Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls...

By Battlebarney - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

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Health

Leave us alone

True hero

Booty pic

By Stupid - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I thought that an ingenious way to protest against high tuition prices would be to steal a box of soymilk from my university dining hall. The box exploded in my backpack. Not only did I lose all my soymilk, I now have replace my $120 calculator. FML

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By itsgotime - United States

Today, I was running to my car, slipped, and slammed my head on the car door. I started driving to the hospital because it was bleeding profusely and I was dizzy, I called my mom to tell her what had happened. She said I was grounded for "goofing off" and that she was "sick of my shit". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

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By kal - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By unfortunate419 - United States

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

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By Spudzy - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML

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By BigFoot - United States

Today, I was trying on some shoes when I felt the heels break underneath me. Not only did they cost two paychecks worth, but as I was leaving I heard the sales girl say that "we really should have a weight limit for who can try on our products." FML

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By Stupidteach - United States

Today, I asked my father for some help paying my college tuition. He told me he'd help me after I become more accredited than he is. My father has 2 PHDs. I'm studying to be an elementary school teacher. FML

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By SebastianCT - United States - Tampa

Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

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By pear8head - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

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By Leauge - United States - Owensboro

Very smart

Today, I woke up to find out my house was robbed. He didn't steal anything of value, but he stole my beer, dog, and cat. FML

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By Mal - United States

Today, I finally mustered up the guts to ask this girl I like to dinner and a movie. She agreed on the terms that she could bring someone, and I'd said it wouldn't be a problem. When I met up with her a few hours later, I found out she'd brought her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

I need it

Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML

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By blacksheep

Today, my 6 brothers and I (a girl) were finally finding out the sex of my mom's baby. It's going to be another boy. FML

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By missko519 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I used a tanning bed for the first time ever, in an attempt to get a base tan for the summer. No one bothered to warn me that you shouldn't go the full ten minutes your first time. Now my skin is as red as my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my dad picked me up from school, something he'll be doing while my broken leg heals. He thought it'd be hilarious to arrive early and ask the staff where his "crippled" son was, loudly saying I'd broken my leg in a "masturbation-related accident". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while eating s'mores with my boyfriend's family, I misplaced my false tooth. With a team of flashlights and hurt pride, my expensive tooth was found. In dog shit. FML

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By deadman

Creeped out

Today, my mom came in my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Out of pure instinct, from hours of doing this to my girlfriend in this exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother-son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go" before I let her leave. FML

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By notabeliever - United States

Today, my wife threw a piece of tofu cake at my head for suggesting that the money she'd spent on magic "healing" crystals and homeopathic "remedies" would've just as well been spent on a chocolate teapot. FML

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By 11lyss1

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

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By jaimie - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By not_so_sweet_sixteen - United States

Today, was my sixteenth birthday. I was hoping to get a car. Instead, my parents got me a 3 month membership at the gym so I can lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML

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By Fred - United States - Kingston

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

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By monkey2069 - United States - Elgin

Today, a lady handed me a $10 tip on a $45 bill. I was happy with it, since it was more than 20%, until she came back in and said, "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong amount." I handed it back to her and then she gave me a dollar. FML

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By Notakidpusher - United States - San Francisco

OK Shaggy

Today, my coworker brought her 3-year-old son to work with her. When introducing him to me, she dropped her bag and bent over to pick it up, knocking him over with her butt in the process. When she stood up, she noticed he was sitting on the ground crying. She then accused me of pushing him over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking through the halls of my high school, me and my boyfriend shared a quick kiss. A young teacher walks by and tells us to stop due to Personal Display of Affection rules at our school. She then looks at my boyfriend and tells him he could do so much better. FML

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By Chris - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

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By erptwerp - United States

Today, it's my 25th birthday and all of the friends who promised they could come had excuses why they couldn't make it. Now I'm at the bar, alone. FML

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By Moody - United States

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, my mom went through my textbook and sharpied everything that could be "pornographic." It's a high-school biology textbook. FML

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By ballthlete - United States - Edmond

Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML

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By perenoel - France

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

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By JWags

Today, at 30 years old, my wife asked why I'm circumcised when my parents aren't religious. I didn't know I was circumcised. FML

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By Hailey - United States

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend. I am at my Aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she is taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML

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By maalmawr - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

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By hater

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#6694254 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:17

She puts that shit on everything!

By WinterChild | 20

#6694255 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:19

I was going to try and come up with something witty but "she puts that shit on everything" takes this one.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#6694254 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:17

She puts that shit on everything!

kkows25 | 10

#6694441 - Friday 23 September 2016 19:16

bahaha

By WinterChild | 20

#6694255 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:19

I was going to try and come up with something witty but "she puts that shit on everything" takes this one.

Seabass_Chan | 33

#6694290 - Friday 23 September 2016 10:14

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

jesterinperil | 28

#6694535 - Saturday 24 September 2016 0:13

Ah, the sweet sting of irony.

By Jaelkus | 28

#6694256 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:20

Magic bullet time.

By trucker2 | 33

#6694257 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:22

She gave you the gift, that keeps on giving.... Just burns your balls to think about it...
Shoot the wench

bambisapphic | 18

#6694368 - Friday 23 September 2016 16:45

.......are you ok?

By species4872 | 19

#6694259 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:24

Did you get fries with that?

By MessedUpLife00 | 13

#6694260 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:29

Why do I feel like people are gonna say something along the line of "doesn't matter, had sex"?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6694282 - Friday 23 September 2016 9:06

Why do I feel like people aren't going to say anything along the lines of "doesn't matter, had sex"?

By Mauskau | 35

#6694265 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:44

If that's also from your girlfriend, I would suggest rethinking things. Hot sauce on your nuts sounds ridiculously painful.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6694283 - Friday 23 September 2016 9:08

I would suggest rethinking things just from the hot sauce alone.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6694266 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:46

I've heard of blue balls, but chili balls? I think you came up with a new name for gonorrhea. A hearty clap to you.

CliffyB03 | 28

#6694330 - Friday 23 September 2016 14:30

Hah. Clap

By 2simz | 25

#6694267 - Friday 23 September 2016 7:51

Hot sauce on your balls and gonorrhea? Fyl twice, OP

By vulcandarke | 6

#6694270 - Friday 23 September 2016 8:08

If she gave you gonorrhea, I'd say, kick her to the curb. Plus hot sauce...there?? She gotta go. I mean, that's just uncalled for.

DanielleinDC | 32

#6694457 - Friday 23 September 2016 19:59

Or maybe he cheated on her and got the clap from that, and she found out the hard way.