Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in... - FML

By Ouchhh - 25/5/2010 06:54 - United States

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

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White line fever

Everyone's an expert

Weird kid

By k.love - 22/6/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML

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By CorpDrone - 3/11/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I came in to work and found the conference room white boards completely clean. My assistant wiped all the white boards where I spent 10 hours writing schedule for the next three months. I was going to meet with all supervisors to finalize that schedule today. FML

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By library book - 10/7/2014 05:27 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I figured out why my name is Ashley. In order to tell my older sister about getting a new little sister, my parents thought it would be a good idea to make her imaginary friend "Ashley" real. FML

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By MessyMal - 25/12/2009 15:30 - United States

Today, my 25 year old brother ran into my room very excited at 8am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited so I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious he said "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Portland

Today, I was involved in a 5-way conversation about the movie Inception. I nodded and agreed with things that were said, but couldn't admit that despite having seen it 4 times, I still haven't the foggiest idea of how to explain what it's about. FML

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By Nick - 3/12/2012 04:03 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I came home from the hospital diagnosed with high blood pressure. It's caused by stress. My wife had a very long talk with my son about it. All the kid has been doing for the past 2 hours is scream at his Playstation. I'd rather be at the hospital. FML

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By ohno - 10/3/2010 11:05 - United States

Today, when I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were 3 girls loudly discussing blow job techniques. I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. His reply was "Pay attention. You might learn something." FML

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By oops - 22/8/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

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By anoymus - 31/5/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

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By MisterMisinformed - 1/9/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

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By random1456 - 13/6/2019 18:00

Today, my credit card got declined while I was buying anti-depressants. FML

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By RS - 17/3/2015 16:25 - United States - Delray Beach

Today, I tried a new hairstyle to impress a guy I like. I was pretty confident, until he took one look at me and said, "Uh... why's there an onion on your head?" So much for that. FML

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By toothbreaker - 21/8/2019 16:00

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend when I accidentally kneed him in the chin and chipped his front tooth. I broke his real tooth, as well as the fake part from when he chipped it ten years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2012 05:03 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By D.W. - 3/11/2017 00:30

Today, the new Apple update put all of the 100+ nudes I'd sent my boyfriend on his mother's phone because their accounts are linked. FML

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By lizzardbreath - 31/3/2009 10:44 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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By snowbell18 - 25/9/2012 07:08 - United States

Today, I had to pay my manager $10 just to take my stalker's order so I didn't have to. FML

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By Nice 2 inch - 27/6/2011 12:16 - Canada

Today, my grandpa told us he wanted to fit in. His idea of fitting in is streaking in a park at 4:00 pm. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2013 20:23 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend left me for another girl. My dad's reaction to the news and my tears was to say, "Aww. Gonna write a song about it, Taylor Swift?" FML

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By LonelyHeart - 22/10/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, I surprised my boyfriend at work, only to notice that his neck was covered in hickies. The night before, he texted me saying he needed alone time to get his mind together. Looks like he got together with another mind. FML

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By fecal romance - 23/11/2013 10:32 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

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By Kasey Eames - 23/12/2012 06:19 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML

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By JustAnotherTina - 2/12/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got an email. It said "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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By strandedguest - 30/9/2010 06:51 - United States

Today, while my friend and I signed the guest-book at a wedding, the drunk guy at our table stole my friend's painkillers and car keys before getting into a cab. Didn't need the painkillers, definitely needed the keys. FML

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By hated - 26/3/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was leading a wheelchair fundraiser to raise money to make public areas wheelchair accessible. I had several guest speakers, all of which were confined to wheelchairs. About ten minutes after the fundraiser was supposed to begin, I realized that the stage was wheelchair incompatible. FML

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By lizard - 9/1/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandparents for the first time. When my boyfriend introduced us, his grandfather smiled at me, took my hand, and said in the most polite voice, "Wow, you're not nearly as pretty as he described you." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 14:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 06:28 - United States

Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML

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By a very unlucky dude. - 18/6/2014 06:37 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I learned the valuable lesson that taking care of a baby crow isn't the best idea. He finally can fly away, but sits on my porch all day cawing for food. FML

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By burr415 - 20/4/2012 22:55 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, my friend was waiting outside the store while I bought a newspaper. Through the window, I saw two guys getting physical with him, so I went outside and they took off. I muttered, "Yeah, I thought so." They then turned around and beat the crap out of us. FML

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By Prodigy - 11/2/2010 14:07 - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I was supposed to give a presentation to the incoming freshman about the dangers of drinking in college. My co-presenter showed up drunk. FML

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By shortarse - 13/6/2017 02:00 - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, I finally moved into my own flat - no family, nor messy flatmates. Should be great, except for the fact that I'm so short, I have to climb onto the counter in the kitchen any time I want to reach my shelves. Like a child. I'm going to break my fucking neck. FML

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By BlueB - 6/7/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

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By asdfghjkl - 18/12/2010 19:14 - United States

Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML

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By MSguy - 27/8/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. I ran off the road, taking out a fence and totaling my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded, "My tom-tom told me to turn left." FML

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By deadbunnies - 31/7/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I texted the man I'm dating, told him I was having a terrible day and asked him to say something to cheer me up. His response? "Did you know that rabbits shriek when they're killed?" I'm still having a terrible day, and now I can't stop thinking about dying, shrieking bunnies. FML

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By coinoperatedgirl - 11/1/2010 01:04 - United States

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#1006749 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:36

So instead of feeling like a prick for breaking your mom's plant you felt the prick for saving it.

I hope for your sake it wasn't one of those cacti with the ultra-fine thorns in it. Those are the worst to get out!

By responses | 0

#1006683 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:04

I hate cacti.

Comments

By responses | 0

#1006683 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:04

I hate cacti.

Reply

Lozza111 | 0

#1006689 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:05

lol, if you hate cacti #1 they will fond you and do what they did to OP to you

Reply

Lozza111 | 0

#1006696 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:07

find* DAFP

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#1006699 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:08

in soviet Russia cactus drink you!

Reply

Lozza111 | 0

#1006708 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:11

#8 I thought the point of those jokes was to say the opposite of what happened but op didn't drink a cacti did he?

Reply

jplumbob | 4

#1006727 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:23

The Soviet Russia thing has gotten older than dirt. it's just lame. should let it die a graceful death. in Soviet Russia they would just shoot it.

Reply

Jessi_Rose96 | 0

#1006743 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:34

There's not even a Soviet Russia anymore! Jeez people.

Reply

LilAfo | 4

#1006758 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:43

no shit?

Reply

JupiterIcicle | 1

#1006792 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:09




Reply

GregDaBossMaster | 0

#1006814 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:33

Haha. cacti's are awesome but they are a little prickly side

Reply

Gerblat | 0

#1006830 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:52

Watch out for those man-eatin' jackrabbits and killer cacti...

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#1006834 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:58

I hate cacti cuz I use to love it but it always hurt me when I tried to give it hugs and kisses

Reply

piinkbunnii | 1

#1006839 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 14:02

Just like the cartoons!!!

Sweet!!

Reply

imbatman_fml | 0

#1006873 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 15:00

so you knocked it down and got pricked, that's not a fml where i live, Saudi Arabia, that's what we call justice.

Reply

Day_Dreams | 0

#1006884 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 15:31

That's a prickly situation.

Reply

DuckOnAStick | 0

#1006912 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 16:07

Cactus*

Reply

jenknee1989 | 0

#1007065 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 19:27

y is this in the love category

Reply

gohabs21 | 0

#1007122 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 21:39

21, no shit, thanks for the update

Reply

Blacklynx | 0

#1007439 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 4:32

In Soviet Russia, dirt has gotten older than you! Bwah ha ha!

Reply

dragonheart95 | 0

#1021534 - Sunday 6 June 2010 15:56

lmao,,,,,,, lammmmmme! corrrny!

By greatbigc | 0

#1006684 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:04

that's hilarious!

Reply

RyGan | 0

#1006793 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:12

and stupid ..

Reply

bballer55 | 0

#1006824 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:43

good reflexs though

By close_2_the_edge | 0

#1006685 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:04

Ouch.. that sucks

By bentheman | 0

#1006691 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:06

aweeh go see a doctor then :)

By nemohazADDlama | 0

#1006704 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:09

sounds like a prickly situation???

Reply

Lozza111 | 0

#1006713 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:13

omg that's the funniest thing I have heard all day, good job <3

Reply

unmadebed | 0

#1006877 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 15:11

heh =]

By newnew8 | 0

#1006711 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:12

ohh that sucks

By ynnhoj | 2

#1006715 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:14

u should have let it dropped and took a beating from ur mom

By misstamz | 0

#1006716 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:15

yeah those hurt

Reply

lickmyjock | 0

#1006734 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:29

o rly?!??

Reply

loludeserveit | 0

#1006769 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:54

an outstanding performance from Captain Obvious!!! give it up everyone!!!

Reply

Jessi_Rose96 | 0

#1006778 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:59

*awkward silence*

Erm....yeah....

*claps slowly*

Reply

LilAfo | 4

#1006779 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:01

*clapclapclap*

DAFP -.-

By furryfatblob | 0

#1006720 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:17

shave your head? X]

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#1006871 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 14:58

Because there are a lot of thorns. Some of them are tiny and not easily seen, but felt, non-the-less.

By teamsleep22 | 0

#1006729 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:26

Ya cuz why wouldn't you feel a thorn in your body if you haven't taken it out