Love: Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in... - FML

By Ouchhh - United States

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

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BO Central

Mind control

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By bundie - France

Today, my cat didn't quite manage to eat the whole turkey because it was frozen. He just licked it all over. FML

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By ljcxo17 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By Anonymous

Her House, Her Rules.

Today, my grandma told me she likes to clean the house naked every day. I'm staying there all next week. FML

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By Jaclk - United States - Needham

Today, my parents went out of town and I was home all alone. I put up party decorations such as streamers, balloons and confetti. Then, I drank out of red cups, crushed them up and put them all over the house. I didn't have a party, I just wanted to convince my family that I'm not a loser. FML

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By fittingroompotty - United States

Today, the fitting room of the store I worked in smelled really bad. The customers started to complain and since I was on fitting room duty I went to go investigate. A middle aged woman pooped on the floor and then put the chair on top to cover it. FML

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By Bellucy27 - United States

Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot, and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized is stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment shivering. FML

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By Drew - United States

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair... with her cousin. FML

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By Evjoel - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, I decided to take some local college courses to improve my résumé. I got into the physics room and a large, multi-colored sign in large print stated, "NO THROWING OR STABBING." FML

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By howrude - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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By L_lives - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

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By nakcba

Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML

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By lkvetched - United States - Palestine

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

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By Clueless - United States

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Romantic

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and take me to the bedroom. Little did he know that he literally threw me over his shoulder, and I face-planted on the ground. FML

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By almostkilledmyself - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

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By Drew - United States - Harrodsburg

Today, it's my birthday. My grandma posted about it on her Facebook wall, but people got confused and thought it was her birthday instead. She got twice as many birthday wishes as I did, and that's including the ones I got outside of Facebook. FML

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By Badnewca - United States

Today, I drove home in my brand new car, hoping to surprise my girlfriend. She came out the house laughing, saying how funny it was, and how I look like a "twollop" in it. Then in all seriousness, she asked me when I was getting my "actual car" back from the garage. FML

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By aru9 - United States

Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

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By Dariya - United States

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

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By Anonymous

Artistic licence

Today, after spending at least 4 hours drawing a realistic shadow of a vampire for a picture contest, I finally remembered that vampires aren't supposed to produce shadows. FML

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By spougeineye1 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 20:01

Alexa, play "Panic" by The Smiths

Today, I'm now convinced that a series of forlorn, increasingly panicked-sounding little bird-calls are coming from the vents in my apartment. Between my social anxiety and the lockdown, I can see no way to get help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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By abusedparrot - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the police knocked on my door, saying that they needed to investigate my house for animal abuse. Apparently the neighbours called, reporting a "screeching bird in pain". I have no bird, but I have been singing quite loudly recently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

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By disturbed2103 - United States

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML

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By VelocityMary - United States

Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML

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By dammit_ - Canada

Today, I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked, "What's up lovebirds?" Turns out they were in the middle of a breakup. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I called my daughter a wimp and insisted her pain can't be that bad. She left in tears. Later, I got a call from her doctor informing me that she has trigeminal neuralgia, one of the most painful diseases known to man. I'm an asshole. FML

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By emmey - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

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By Username

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Herenthout

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

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By eric - United States

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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By Alisterine - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

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By ohhhemmgee - United States - Reno

Today, I locked myself out of the house I was house-sitting. An hour later, and my fifth attempt at climbing the fence, I figured I'd try the door one more time. Turns out I was turning the handle the wrong way and the door wasn't locked in the first place. FML

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By thatsucks - United States

Today, I realized that my father's weekly unemployment check is more than my bi-weekly pay check. My full time job pays less than my father's unemployment. FML

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By stuckwithafamilyofcunts - Spain - El Puig

Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML

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By AnastasiyaNicholas - United States

Today, my drunken mother woke up after having passed out and yelled at me for ditching school. It took half an hour to explain that it's 5:00, and I've already been to school. FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#1006749 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:36

So instead of feeling like a prick for breaking your mom's plant you felt the prick for saving it.

I hope for your sake it wasn't one of those cacti with the ultra-fine thorns in it. Those are the worst to get out!

By responses | 0

#1006683 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:04

I hate cacti.

COMMENTS

By responses | 0

#1006683 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:04

I hate cacti.

Reply

Lozza111 | 0

#1006689 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:05

lol, if you hate cacti #1 they will fond you and do what they did to OP to you

Reply

Lozza111 | 0

#1006696 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:07

find* DAFP

Reply

Jonkbaby | 20

#1006699 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:08

in soviet Russia cactus drink you!

Reply

Lozza111 | 0

#1006708 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:11

#8 I thought the point of those jokes was to say the opposite of what happened but op didn't drink a cacti did he?

Reply

jplumbob | 4

#1006727 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:23

The Soviet Russia thing has gotten older than dirt. it's just lame. should let it die a graceful death. in Soviet Russia they would just shoot it.

Reply

Jessi_Rose96 | 0

#1006743 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:34

There's not even a Soviet Russia anymore! Jeez people.

Reply

LilAfo | 4

#1006758 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:43

no shit?

Reply

JupiterIcicle | 1

#1006792 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:09




Reply

GregDaBossMaster | 0

#1006814 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:33

Haha. cacti's are awesome but they are a little prickly side

Reply

Gerblat | 0

#1006830 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:52

Watch out for those man-eatin' jackrabbits and killer cacti...

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#1006834 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:58

I hate cacti cuz I use to love it but it always hurt me when I tried to give it hugs and kisses

Reply

piinkbunnii | 1

#1006839 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 14:02

Just like the cartoons!!!

Sweet!!

Reply

imbatman_fml | 0

#1006873 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 15:00

so you knocked it down and got pricked, that's not a fml where i live, Saudi Arabia, that's what we call justice.

Reply

Day_Dreams | 0

#1006884 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 15:31

That's a prickly situation.

Reply

DuckOnAStick | 0

#1006912 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 16:07

Cactus*

Reply

jenknee1989 | 0

#1007065 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 19:27

y is this in the love category

Reply

gohabs21 | 0

#1007122 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 21:39

21, no shit, thanks for the update

Reply

Blacklynx | 0

#1007439 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 4:32

In Soviet Russia, dirt has gotten older than you! Bwah ha ha!

Reply

dragonheart95 | 0

#1021534 - Sunday 6 June 2010 15:56

lmao,,,,,,, lammmmmme! corrrny!

By greatbigc | 0

#1006684 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:04

that's hilarious!

Reply

RyGan | 0

#1006793 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:12

and stupid ..

Reply

bballer55 | 0

#1006824 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:43

good reflexs though

By close_2_the_edge | 0

#1006685 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:04

Ouch.. that sucks

By bentheman | 0

#1006691 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:06

aweeh go see a doctor then :)

By nemohazADDlama | 0

#1006704 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:09

sounds like a prickly situation???

Reply

Lozza111 | 0

#1006713 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:13

omg that's the funniest thing I have heard all day, good job <3

Reply

unmadebed | 0

#1006877 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 15:11

heh =]

By newnew8 | 0

#1006711 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:12

ohh that sucks

By ynnhoj | 2

#1006715 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:14

u should have let it dropped and took a beating from ur mom

By misstamz | 0

#1006716 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:15

yeah those hurt

Reply

lickmyjock | 0

#1006734 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:29

o rly?!??

Reply

loludeserveit | 0

#1006769 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:54

an outstanding performance from Captain Obvious!!! give it up everyone!!!

Reply

Jessi_Rose96 | 0

#1006778 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:59

*awkward silence*

Erm....yeah....

*claps slowly*

Reply

LilAfo | 4

#1006779 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 13:01

*clapclapclap*

DAFP -.-

By furryfatblob | 0

#1006720 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:17

shave your head? X]

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#1006871 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 14:58

Because there are a lot of thorns. Some of them are tiny and not easily seen, but felt, non-the-less.

By teamsleep22 | 0

#1006729 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 12:26

Ya cuz why wouldn't you feel a thorn in your body if you haven't taken it out