Health: Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates... - FML

By Username - 16/12/2011 06:31 - Canada

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 624

You deserved it 33 159

Another great day to be alive

Mystery

Roommates from hell

No cash for you

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 19:01 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, I drove 3 hours to the Capitol and back to cash my winning scratch ticket of $2000. When I got there, it was pointed out to me that it wasn't in fact a winning ticket. I'd already planned a weekend vacation at an adventure park the next state over. I’m flat broke and rent is due. FML

I agree, your life sucks 236

You deserved it 1 176

By FIM - 12/01/2017 15:18

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 250

You deserved it 4 918

Young love

By loser - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, "Great. Don't ruin it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 005

You deserved it 3 352

By Anonymous - 27/05/2012 14:19 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were acting out a kinky scenario at home, where we'd met in a club and were having a one night stand. We ended up getting into a real argument about an imaginary girl in the club. I didn't have sex and we haven't spoken since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 978

You deserved it 35 773

By Twomanybananas - 23/01/2017 16:00

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 579

You deserved it 3 813

By Alliente - 17/07/2012 21:11 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 016

You deserved it 3 803

By Brandon - 04/08/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me from her parents' house where she is visiting. They were BBQing outside when out of the blue her childhood friend Adam showed up at the door for the BBQ. She asked her parents why he was there, and her dad replied that he "wants her to know that she has options." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 609

You deserved it 2 965

By lissysue1 - 12/07/2012 19:23 - United States - Green Bay

Spicy

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I realized he was opening his mouth wide a lot. At first, I thought he was trying to French-kiss me. He was actually yawning through the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 797

You deserved it 4 880

By passedoutpolly - 01/08/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to a huge rock concert. While waiting in a half a mile long line to get in, I passed out due to the heat. I regained consciousness to hear about a hundred people yelling and trying to help me. My boyfriend, who I went with, was not one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 266

You deserved it 3 593

By Anonymous - 14/08/2015 13:19 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, my boyfriend asked me to start using a period tracker app so I can tell him which week of each month he needs to "stay the hell away" from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 970

You deserved it 3 972

By needabettermirror - 14/12/2016 11:07 - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 021

You deserved it 2 949

By conley19 - 15/09/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 171

You deserved it 4 782

By s0728 - 01/09/2014 21:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I work at a bakery. As I was putting out some cakes with fruit on top of them, a customer asked me how we get the little hairs to stay on the raspberries, and if we glue them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 502

You deserved it 3 291

By Shauna - 10/11/2012 09:02 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my birthday. I finally got the PS3 I've been asking for, for a long time. When I opened the box, I didn't find a PS3, but a bunch of clothes that my mom put in my brother's PS3 box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 951

You deserved it 4 174

By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 609

You deserved it 2 615

By Anonymous - 28/03/2015 15:50 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 712

You deserved it 2 306

By cathugger - 13/07/2019 16:30

Today, while hurrying by bike to an appointment, my chain broke. I quickly got off the road and managed to fix it on the sidewalk, covering my hands in black smear. Dirty but confident about my repair skills, I got up. A second later, felt something warm running down my neck. Bird poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 862

You deserved it 116

By skyhigh - 13/01/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 670

You deserved it 3 303

Jedi mind trick

By Anonymous - 02/10/2019 04:00

Today, my stepdad punched me in the face after I told him I hated him. He and my mom came in 10 minutes later to try to convince me that I'd made it up in my head that he'd punched me. My face was still red. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 162

You deserved it 186

By 404: fuck not given - 23/11/2014 16:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Spicy

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 909

You deserved it 5 556

By Lola - 29/07/2019 06:00

Today, for the third time, I’ve had to clean a puddle of pee from the bathroom floor. I live alone, and I’m a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 401

You deserved it 531

By Anonymous - 14/03/2014 15:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend told me that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Since he's my friend, I didn't want to call him out too bad, so I joked that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot. He called me an idiot and lectured me on how I'd just made that figure up myself. I need new friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 128

You deserved it 6 045

By omfgnooo - 09/09/2011 23:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 807

You deserved it 54 697

By MommyLovesMe - 08/03/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 628

You deserved it 3 327

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 17:29 - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 038

You deserved it 3 350

By al0406 - 22/03/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my grandpa and my sister. My grandpa looks over at my sister and says, "Wow. You're so beautiful." Right after, he turns to me and says, "And you have a nice coat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 249

You deserved it 4 196

By jshibbz0993 - 23/11/2011 15:16 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 454

You deserved it 6 073

Indebted without work

By Anonymous - 03/11/2019 20:30

Today, my husband has to quit his job. 5 months ago, we paid a deposit on a section for our brand new house and the title and mortgage need to be finalized next week. His work is forcing him out because he wanted to do his job safely and to a high standard of workmanship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 966

You deserved it 177

By nonameLiz - 03/02/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 772

You deserved it 11 561

Victim blaming needs to die

By KitDi19 - 06/07/2021 18:01

Today, I was hit on by a guy while I was walking my dog. He said some crude stuff about my chest. I called my husband to pick me up, and after he'd got me my husband blamed me for it, saying I should dress more conservatively. I was wearing a tank top with a zip up hoodie (unzipped) over it, jeans, and flip flops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 127

Vape Nation

By Anonymous - 01/09/2021 19:01

Today, at work, the same manager who flagged me for being on my phone during an emergency call to my MIL, telling me my baby had an accident and busted her head open, was sitting in the office watching TikTok videos and hitting her vape pen. I guess the rules only apply to certain people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 204

You deserved it 86

By Anonymous - 28/05/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I woke up fully clothed, trying to remember the night's events. I walk to the den to awkwardly ask my dad for a ride to my car and he points to the computer. A pic of me passed out on the bathroom floor is now our new wallpaper. My skirt was around my knees. He sent it to everyone we know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 933

You deserved it 25 849

Fill her up

By Anonymous - 03/02/2021 19:55

Today, I'm nearly done with my cortisol treatment for a persistent multi-day migraine. Good news: it actually stopped for the last two blissful, pain-free days. Bad news: apparently anything less than the maximum dose of cortisol doesn't prevent me from getting a new migraine. Here we go again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 53

By Anonymous - 30/08/2019 12:00

Today, after almost a year of dating and getting dumped out of the blue, I found out my ex-girlfriend wants to get a restraining order against me. I guess dropping a box of her things on her porch after she wouldn't answer her phone is considered stalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 565

You deserved it 155

Throw in the towel

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 14:01

Today, my plan to punish my husband by leaving him for a week completely failed. When I got home from the hotel, he had his buddies over happily watching football, but his face fell when I walked in, like I’d ruined his day by coming home. I don’t think my marriage can be saved at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 1 262

Sounds like an old joke, but unfortunately…

By Anonymous - 12/09/2021 08:00

Today, I opened my mail and mistook it for my bank statement. It was my hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 95

By blondessdoll - 04/05/2016 17:30 - United States

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 736

You deserved it 1 093

Broken dreams

By Anonymous - 09/06/2021 02:01 - Luxembourg - Luxembourg

Today, I discovered the man I'm in love with, the only person I've found attractive in the past 8 years, has a girlfriend, and has done for almost a year. I feel physically sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 357

By Anonymous - 17/10/2011 21:37 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 185

You deserved it 6 355

By ugly duckling - 06/08/2015 19:18 - United States - Reston

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 974

You deserved it 3 131

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Top comments

Buttsexpirate 9

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:02

Geez, you remind me of that chocolate guy from spongebob! CHOCOLATE!!!

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Friday 16 December 2011 11:53

Buy him new ones. Or rewrap the box.

Comments

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Friday 16 December 2011 11:53

Buy him new ones. Or rewrap the box.

bballsoccerrocks 7

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:05

Were they good I guess?

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:10

Buy another one for him and buy your own, I always do that if I buy chocolates because there just so good!! :)

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:17

You sound pretty happy about your inability to control yourself.

bballsoccerrocks 7

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:26

Were they good I guess?

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:47

Bballsoccerrocks, not only does your question make ZERO sense, you had to be doubly annoying by posting it twice! "Were they good I guess?" Is the worst question I have read all day.

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Friday 16 December 2011 13:11

@bballsoccerrocks obviously they were if she was pigging out on them.

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Friday 16 December 2011 13:18

Om Nomnomnomnom... How will you explain that to him?

CanWeMicrowaveIt 11

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Friday 16 December 2011 14:57

18, if no one cared the first time, why would anyone care the second??

StopDropNRoll 11

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Friday 16 December 2011 16:29

Come op you didn't get any chocolate for your bf. those chocolates oh no those weren't for your you baby. That's all you have to say =P

kooochris1995 14

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Friday 16 December 2011 19:15

Hmm Everyone thumbed down my comment... Maybe I should post it again and people will thumb it up. Your stupid #17

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Friday 16 December 2011 19:57

If you can say "you are," as in "you are stupid," then you need an apostrophe. Just a rule of thumb for all these newbies to the English language.

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Friday 16 December 2011 22:22

Sorry, #76, I was actually using the reply feature for its intended purpose and my comment should be read as a response to #10. I didn't think it was necessary to clarify this but apparently it's not as obvious as I assumed due to annoying children being unable to resist their pleas for attention and deciding to post irrelevant comments as replies.

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Saturday 17 December 2011 6:26

Like your boyfriend wanted chocolates for Christmas anyway.

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Friday 16 December 2011 11:53

its the thought that counts....most of the time.

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:46

Well it's not very thoughtful eating someone's Christmas present

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:52

It took courage and determination to eat that piece of chocolate that is wrapped up and everything. You got balls kid

TheGothGamerGirl 20

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Friday 16 December 2011 11:55

YDI, learn to control yourself better.

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Sunday 18 December 2011 5:44

Throw them back up

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Friday 16 December 2011 11:57

Gotta love chocolate! :)

lol_ironic_life 9

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:00

Chocolates are always good! :D It's okay OP next time buy 2! One for you and one for him. Please don't eat both boxes though lol I don't want to see a new FML ;)

Buttsexpirate 9

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:02

Geez, you remind me of that chocolate guy from spongebob! CHOCOLATE!!!

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Friday 16 December 2011 13:26

I literally laughed out loud at this comment.

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Friday 16 December 2011 14:35

With or without nuts?

PeypeyTheBeeotch 1

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Friday 16 December 2011 23:56

HAHA I WAS SO THINKING THIS!XD

miserypoison 13

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:05

It's tempting, especially when chocolate releases dopamine for pleasure, makes you want to eat MOAR :3

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:07

I'm sure some weeks old chocolate would have complimented his gift anyway.

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:12

Chocolate doesn't expire quickly, don't worry.

rubberduckie94 13

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Friday 16 December 2011 13:41

no it doesnt. I have actually found a stash of year old halloween candy before and ate it with no shame

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Friday 16 December 2011 15:22

I'm sorry. This chocolate isn't fresh enough for my liking.

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:10

I could only think of :"Omnomnom"

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Friday 16 December 2011 21:16

Your mom reminds me of the cookie monster. Om nom nom nom nom nom nom!!!!!!!!!!

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Friday 16 December 2011 21:37

Really 79? Your mom jokes were soooooo last year. Keep up kiddo. ....then I took an arrow to the knee.

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Friday 16 December 2011 21:56

I'm bring them back like I brought sexy back. Oh and cute car pictures are way overused. How unoriginal of you.

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Saturday 17 December 2011 9:34

Meant to say cat. Srsly. T and R are right next to each other. And easy to be mixed up when typing...especially on iPhone and their tiny virtual buttons.

Iamaninchworm 0

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Saturday 17 December 2011 15:34

Clearly your behind if you think your mom jokes were last year.

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:12

FYL?? You only have yourself to blame..

xShannonxSammyx 7

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Friday 16 December 2011 12:14

Reminds me of Fez from That 70's Show. xD

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 46

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 102

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 37