Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through... - FML

By KayyElOh94 - 17/10/2014 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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Body issues

Crowded House

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By KnuckleSandwich - 20/7/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML

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By kklaucen14 - 6/8/2012 01:15 - United States - Connersville

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a party. He got drunk and started talking about how his hot blonde girlfriend gives him great blowjobs. I'm a brunette. FML

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By jasminejzhu - 14/4/2013 09:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after an exhausting weekend of work, I decided to take a nap. I was awoken several hours later by my mother-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently my 11-year-old called up grandma to complain that she was hungry and that mum was sleeping instead of cooking dinner. FML

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By Zooep - 24/10/2016 13:54

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

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By Greg - 28/9/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I talked to a girl on the phone who had previously told me her last relationship "ended very badly." I said, "So let me guess, that jerk cheated on you?" She paused for a few moments and finally replied, "No, he died in a motorcycle accident." FML

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By doughgirl101 - 7/9/2011 05:59 - Canada

Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML

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By mfnfhdjdjddjsjfn - 3/9/2012 08:39 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a terrific mood after finding a bouquet of beautiful flowers on my doorstep when I came home. That is, until I recognised the handwriting of my "secret admirer" was the same as my mother's. FML

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By b.fritz - 24/9/2016 10:02 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

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By shibs - 19/12/2015 14:30 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

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By mrmatt008 - 17/7/2009 12:07 - France

Today, I got back to work from a 3 week vacation. My boss had asked me to get him something so when I returned I presented him with a shotglass with the British flag on it. I later found out that he is a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By Chelsea - 20/7/2009 05:54 - United States

Today, during some previews before the new Harry Potter movie, a guy stood up and led the audience in an enthusiastic and rather successful chant "H-A-R-R-Y!". Minutes later when I attempted to do the same thing, I was pelted with half-full bags of popcorn, freezing sodas, and booing. FML

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By nerdlette - 15/3/2014 19:34 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was feeling really down and insecure after a friend joked about how small my boobs are. When my grandma got me to tell her what happened, she reassured me that all the girls in our family were late bloomers. I said "Really?" and she replied, "Oh no dear. Quite the opposite." FML

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By RinoaHeartilly - 28/11/2018 03:00

Today, like every day she works, my roommate once again put on a ton on perfume before work because she doesn't shower. She's gone, but this smell will be here for hours. FML

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By gayvsgay - 6/3/2016 15:31 - Germany - V?lklingen

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

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By Ape - 17/12/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

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By Mamaofdrama - 6/4/2019 18:00

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2012 13:11 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

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By InDebt - 4/2/2016 04:47 - United States - Morgantown

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

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By PumaGator - 4/6/2016 20:39

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

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By NoScrubs - 31/10/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

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By justmeagain - 11/12/2018 12:00

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

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By NewlyChildaphobic - 17/11/2009 14:50 - Ireland

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 04:00

Today, while browsing through Walmart, I slipped on a piece of clothing and fell backwards into an obese lady’s butt. When I landed, she farted. FML

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By carnivore - 22/9/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML

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By brebre101 - 31/7/2011 09:05 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

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By kaitlyna15 - 1/8/2012 01:54 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

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By risingtide - 20/11/2018 15:30

Today, I reached my exam center late after taking wrong metro twice, only to find that I forgot my calculator at home. FML

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By flaps - 19/8/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

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By traitor - 23/4/2013 23:04 - United States - Boston

Today, my ex-boyfriend accepted my mother's offer to have his wedding in our backyard. FML

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By lachaisse - 12/5/2013 12:09 - United States - Vinton

Today, my sisters and I pitched together nearly $500 to send my mom to the spa for Mother's Day. We put the printed sheet with her info into a little box with our card on top. When she opened it, she freaked out and started hugging my dad. Turns out he switched the cards and took all the credit. FML

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By AintEasyBeinWheezy - 28/4/2016 18:26 - United States

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

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By shonfyr - 11/3/2014 21:35 - Spain

Today, it was a really slow day at work. One thing lead to another, and soon enough we were all taking turns shoving each other across the office on a swivel chair. Our boss came in during my turn, and I got singled out for a verbal warning. Everyone else got off with a disapproving glare. FML

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By tiredoffamilydinners - 12/1/2012 05:00 - United States

Today, my mom and siblings got into a fight. Being generally quiet and non-confrontational, I stayed out of it. Shortly thereafter, I was yelled at by my mother for being "ungrateful" and "disrespectful." I still don't know what I did wrong. FML

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By Heyhey - 8/12/2008 08:46 - France

Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years old, he is 97. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2013 10:38 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

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By Nik - 20/2/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

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By Colin Jr. - 23/9/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

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By pincushion - 31/12/2016 05:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

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By Hailey - 13/2/2011 01:36 - United States

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend. I am at my Aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she is taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML

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By heathenhaha - 10/2/2017 20:21 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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Top comments

By cocacola999 | 27

#6092535 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:56

The FML depends on whether the son is 5, 15 or 25...

By ELoni_fml | 25

#6092547 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:09

And the age of the daughter in a way, if she is 1 or 21. It's not entirely unthinkable the daughter is 21 and the son is 25. If my brother would steal my bottle of vodka I would cry.

Comments

By Katthebamf | 29

#6092533 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:54

Streaking starts young!

Reply

sweetbliss3 | 37

#6092715 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:33

they are kids (according to another poster). streaking is what kids are really good at. doesn't mean they will grow up running around naked like an idiot.

Reply

8born8 | 18

#6092801 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:45

Ahhh but come their 18th birthday, bottles and a bare bum dare will have them streaking up a storm.

Reply

shessohighh | 10

#6093016 - Sunday 19 October 2014 2:07

OP never said her son was young.. we're all just hoping D:

By cocacola999 | 27

#6092535 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:56

The FML depends on whether the son is 5, 15 or 25...

Reply

christina3466 | 17

#6092536 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:57

That's what I was thinking.

Reply

ELoni_fml | 25

#6092547 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:09

And the age of the daughter in a way, if she is 1 or 21. It's not entirely unthinkable the daughter is 21 and the son is 25. If my brother would steal my bottle of vodka I would cry.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6092564 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:22

We need a follow up to see if the kids are young or old

Reply

DomiLove | 26

#6092680 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:52

I moderated this FML, the daughter was a few months old and the son I believe was 2. Her fiancé was suppose to be watching them but she woke up to him sleeping next to her and that.

By coming back in the future | 30

#6092537 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:57

Your son has bare courage

By TorturedXeno | 27

#6092538 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:58

This warrants a follow-up.

By Aquaman911 | 18

#6092546 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:07

Smh children gone wild

Reply

phoneaddict13 | 29

#6092733 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:07

what does smh mean? and also lmao?

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6092734 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:10

.... #31 you're kidding right?

Just in case you're not:

smh: shaking my head
lmao: laughing my ass off

Reply

8born8 | 18

#6092788 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:28

phoneaddict13... for someone with that username, you don't seem to be up to code...

Reply

phoneaddict13 | 29

#6092843 - Saturday 18 October 2014 20:43

I know.. I'm so ashamed :'(

Reply

TheOnlyMizLiv | 22

#6093864 - Monday 20 October 2014 1:34

This thing... it's called Google. Try it! :)

By Futacy | 29

#6092560 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:19

It's times like this when a kid needs a good 'ole spanking.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6092563 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:21

Omg. Stop him before his whole head falls off!

By orbit | 22

#6092566 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:24

It's sad when you see them turn to the bottle at such a young age

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6092568 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:26

and reason being

By sarah5745 | 41

#6092570 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:27

How old is your daughter and how old is your son?? This will determine how much of an FML this really is

Reply

DomiLove | 26

#6092681 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:53

Daughter a few months and son I believe to be 2, her fiancé was suppose to be watching them but slept too.

Reply

MidnightWolf3 | 12

#6092766 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:07

Glad I'm not the only one who saw the original of this FML.