Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through... - FML

By KayyElOh94 - 17/10/2014 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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Rock, hard place

Season finale

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - 7/3/2010 14:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

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By neverbeenkissed - 3/7/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend with her little sister's birthday party. We were playing a game where you get up and switch seats if you've done a certain thing. One girl said to switch if you've kissed a boy. I watched as 18 12-year-olds switched seats with each other. I stayed sitting. I'm 17. FML

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By leosmom - 25/11/2018 03:00

Today, I used a glue stick instead of my Carmex lip balm. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

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By itzcorinnelove - 18/8/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out the bag had a small unoticable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didnt realize it. FML

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By silverspud - 13/6/2015 01:22 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I was invited to an adult toy party with co-workers. They started by playing a game called 'Never Ever Have I Ever' about everyone's sexual exploits. My mother is a co-worker. I can never un-hear what I heard. FML

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By pixiebubz - 6/10/2011 03:59 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML

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By Socarates - 18/2/2011 21:07 - Ireland

Today, I drove over 200km from Dublin to Galway, with a broken window. It rained for most of the journey. FML

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By ellinor - 17/9/2010 20:33 - Sweden

Today, I was walking outside when I saw my best friend about 100 meters away. I began running towards her, arms flailing, screaming out a tribal battle cry. It wasn't until I was nearly on top of her that I realised it was someone else. FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - 5/1/2014 20:39 - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By ohmygod582 - 14/4/2014 01:32 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 15:20 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time. The minute I stepped in the door his mother hit me in the face and kicked me out because I was "the slut her husband cheated on her with." My older sister and I look much alike. Too much alike. FML

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By ohokay - 24/1/2013 02:59 - United States - Bronx

Today, I found my boyfriend's Facebook page. I also found his wife's. FML

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By lollipopgreen - 1/10/2011 12:33 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

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By toeloezz - 26/9/2016 18:02 - Netherlands

Today, during a regular checkup at the dentist, I got a wisdom tooth pulled out which resulted in me looking like a fat hamster. Tomorrow is my first day as an English teacher in high school. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

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By Username - 8/1/2011 07:01 - United States

Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML

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By irwingiggles - 8/2/2015 10:26 - Netherlands

Today, I figured out how my birth control works. If you're on your period for four months straight you can't have sex, so you won't be pregnant. FML

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By Whoops - 6/6/2011 01:44 - United States

Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML

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By Jimseagoon - 3/9/2018 20:30

Today, my wife took me to Taco Bell for the first time. I said, "Isn't this where all those FMLs happen to people?" She said, "You'll be fine." I am writing this from the toilet. I am not fine. FML

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By Frauded - 17/12/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend of two years is a wanted man in the state of Texas, and was living under a fake identity for the past three years. What is he wanted for? Rampant identity theft. FML

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By Need Clothes Now - 21/9/2014 15:51 - United States - Pendleton

Today, I flew across country to college. My luggage did not. FML

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By INeedaNewJob - 16/11/2014 23:25 - United States - Kent

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 21:10 - United States - York

Today, I picked up my daughter from preschool. Her teacher handed me her nap blankets and mentioned there was an extra article of clothing I might want to take home. I looked in-between the blankets and saw a pair of my giant granny panties that had gotten mixed in with her stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, I decided to make pancakes from scratch. I poured the batter in my Perfect Pancake pan. Then I told my brother who was watching, "This is so easy. Just watch." I burned 15 pancakes, including the one I dropped on the burner, which lit on fire, causing the alarm to go off. FML

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By blahblah1993 - 20/2/2015 17:56 - United States - Katy

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML

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By Great - 9/4/2014 01:42 - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws moved in. FML

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By that guy - 6/2/2015 16:56 - United States - Atascadero

Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML

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By nico - 1/7/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I broke my collarbone in a rugby tournament. I was forced to sit through five more hours of games because the coach wouldn't take me to the hospital until the tournament was over. FML

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By oops999 - 19/11/2013 19:46 - United States - Downingtown

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML

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By :/ - 4/2/2013 00:26 - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By Lauren - 12/10/2011 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him by handing me a ring and telling me, "Okay we're engaged now." I should have seen it coming when we started dating, I went to his house one night and as I was leaving he said, "Okay you're my girlfriend now." FML

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By Manu - 14/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Columbia

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I was telling my entire cocktail party about the time I accidentally flashed my volleyball team at a pool party. While trying to demonstrate how it happened, I accidentally pulled my dress down and flashed everyone again. FML

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By soapysoap - 10/12/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML

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By Alfie4 - 5/3/2012 22:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

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By baddriver - 31/1/2012 17:17 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to get my license. I almost ran over my evaluator as he was walking to get in the car. FML

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By magicmaster19 - 20/6/2019 14:30

Today, my mom complained that I never do anything nice for her, so while out shopping I bought her favorite chocolate bar. When I got home, she screamed at me because she’s on a diet. FML

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Top comments

By cocacola999 | 27

#6092535 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:56

The FML depends on whether the son is 5, 15 or 25...

By ELoni_fml | 25

#6092547 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:09

And the age of the daughter in a way, if she is 1 or 21. It's not entirely unthinkable the daughter is 21 and the son is 25. If my brother would steal my bottle of vodka I would cry.

COMMENTS

By Katthebamf | 29

#6092533 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:54

Streaking starts young!

Reply

sweetbliss3 | 37

#6092715 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:33

they are kids (according to another poster). streaking is what kids are really good at. doesn't mean they will grow up running around naked like an idiot.

Reply

8born8 | 18

#6092801 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:45

Ahhh but come their 18th birthday, bottles and a bare bum dare will have them streaking up a storm.

Reply

shessohighh | 10

#6093016 - Sunday 19 October 2014 2:07

OP never said her son was young.. we're all just hoping D:

By cocacola999 | 27

#6092535 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:56

The FML depends on whether the son is 5, 15 or 25...

Reply

christina3466 | 17

#6092536 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:57

That's what I was thinking.

Reply

ELoni_fml | 25

#6092547 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:09

And the age of the daughter in a way, if she is 1 or 21. It's not entirely unthinkable the daughter is 21 and the son is 25. If my brother would steal my bottle of vodka I would cry.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6092564 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:22

We need a follow up to see if the kids are young or old

Reply

DomiLove | 26

#6092680 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:52

I moderated this FML, the daughter was a few months old and the son I believe was 2. Her fiancé was suppose to be watching them but she woke up to him sleeping next to her and that.

By coming back in the future | 30

#6092537 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:57

Your son has bare courage

By TorturedXeno | 27

#6092538 - Saturday 18 October 2014 13:58

This warrants a follow-up.

By Aquaman911 | 18

#6092546 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:07

Smh children gone wild

Reply

phoneaddict13 | 29

#6092733 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:07

what does smh mean? and also lmao?

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6092734 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:10

.... #31 you're kidding right?

Just in case you're not:

smh: shaking my head
lmao: laughing my ass off

Reply

8born8 | 18

#6092788 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:28

phoneaddict13... for someone with that username, you don't seem to be up to code...

Reply

phoneaddict13 | 29

#6092843 - Saturday 18 October 2014 20:43

I know.. I'm so ashamed :'(

Reply

TheOnlyMizLiv | 22

#6093864 - Monday 20 October 2014 1:34

This thing... it's called Google. Try it! :)

By Futacy | 29

#6092560 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:19

It's times like this when a kid needs a good 'ole spanking.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#6092563 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:21

Omg. Stop him before his whole head falls off!

By orbit | 22

#6092566 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:24

It's sad when you see them turn to the bottle at such a young age

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6092568 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:26

and reason being

By sarah5745 | 41

#6092570 - Saturday 18 October 2014 14:27

How old is your daughter and how old is your son?? This will determine how much of an FML this really is

Reply

DomiLove | 26

#6092681 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:53

Daughter a few months and son I believe to be 2, her fiancé was suppose to be watching them but slept too.

Reply

MidnightWolf3 | 12

#6092766 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:07

Glad I'm not the only one who saw the original of this FML.