Work: Today, I had to give a massage to an obese person with rank smelling...

By RockedSystem - United States

Today, I had to give a massage to an obese person with rank smelling fungus growing in between their skin folds. They tipped me two dollars. My hands still smell. FML

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Work

Commando

The smell detective is on the case

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By sad face - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

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By vistingherfamily - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

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By JustAnotherFML23 - United States - Seattle

Today, my loneliness reached a new level when I befriended the fly in my apartment, Mr. Stickyfoot. FML

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By Foreveralone - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous

It's just me

Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there, just to be nice. In true Three Bears fashion, I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML

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By Really? - Australia - Homebush

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

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By dumpedandstranded - Canada

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

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By InfamousLastWord - United States

Today, I was violently throwing up due to severe morning sickness. My boyfriend looked at me, then turned and walked away. In the end, my daughter gave me some paper towel and her juice. My 18-month-old is more supportive of my pregnancy than her 30-year-old father. FML

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By MisterBrown - United States

Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML

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By fviz - United States

Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 05:02

Bye bye Tiddles

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

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By Stupid_Chick - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

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By chchboy - United States

Like a virgin

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML

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By joe - United States - Easton

Today, I was teasing my 6-year-old sister about having a boyfriend. I asked her, "Did he take his shirt off?" She promptly said no. A few minutes later, she said, "But he did take his pants off." I then asked why. She said, "To show me his penis." FML

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By Anonymous

Wakey Wakey!

Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML

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By hairdresser - Thailand

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She just cut my sister's hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

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By TLJ321

Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML

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By tukker - Canada

Today, my brother replaced my cologne with whiskey. I have a job interview and I smell like a drunk. FML

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By AlyssaBC - United States

Today, I received an e-mail from the Unemployment Department saying they had a job referral for me. After excitedly reading the description, I realised it was the job I'd just been fired from (at a much higher pay). If I don't go through the application process, I will be denied my unemployment. FML

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By dpap - United States - Waukee

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. The first thing my dad did was comment that given how pretty she looked in our photos, and compared to how she looks in real life, she's amazing at using Photoshop. FML

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By ohsosad - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy who is doing community service because he was caught peeping through windows. I was tempted to say yes. FML

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By mothers - United States

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

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By analinguist - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

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By littl3storm - 11/7/2020 08:08

Dad of the month

Today, I found out that my 'dad', the man who couldn't afford to buy me a bed, despite sleeping on the floor for 3+ years, has spent well over $3000 on sex chat lines, as well as cheating us out of child payments. He doesn't understand why I refuse to talk to him. FML

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By now my watch begins - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for sneezing too many times during Game of Thrones. FML

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By Scarred4lyfe - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I asked my friend to download Frozen for me, because my mom wanted to play it for family movie night. The movie was shit, but it got even worse halfway through, when it cut to hardcore porn and a text bar saying "umad?" Now I'm grounded, and my "friend" is a legend for his prank. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 23:02 - United States

OK, bye then

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years sprung the news that he had gotten a new job across the country and would be moving immediately. With his wife and children. First I'm hearing about them. FML

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By ...

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Tordesillas

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML

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By Andy

Stoners of the world unite!

Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room doing a spirited rendition of Girls Just Want to Have Fun with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

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By florisvanlent - Netherlands

Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML

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By amf - United States

Today, I got fired via text. The last sentence was, "Wish you the best, take care!" FML

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By Anonymous

Run for the hills!

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

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By CarrieBerrie - 14/8/2020 17:01

Fire in the hole!

Today, after being woken up with the intense urge to go to the bathroom, and having gone to the bathroom three times in the last hour, I finally realized I took two laxatives instead of two Midol. My ass is on fire. FML

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Top comments

By ilikerainbows | 0

#132707 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 16:18

i think i just threw up a little in my mouth

By pancakes_n_syrup | 0

#132662 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 16:09

Gross...that's why I will never be a masseuse

COMMENTS

By pancakes_n_syrup | 0

#132662 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 16:09

Gross...that's why I will never be a masseuse

Iamnotmyself | 17

#3082190 - Thursday 11 August 2011 2:11

The American in his natural habitat.

walshboy | 0

#4786541 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 7:32

the Brit camly sucking on the clit of the bitch called a queen

stephan18 | 23

#4909248 - Saturday 8 September 2012 19:13

Comment moderated.

By yannitheswimmer | 0

#132688 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 16:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Endless | 0

#1049046 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 23:06

shut up loser ppl shouldn't have foot fungus

ndvorsky | 4

#2684837 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 7:43

would you consider it an FML if you were forced to roll around in dog sh*T for an hour
( no rudeness intended)

Jessj958 | 19

#4218714 - Monday 26 March 2012 18:39

It is a big deal because people should be more considerate about their hygiene especially when a stranger is gonna be touching their skin! That's just gross!