Love: Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until... - FML

By 11321 - United States

Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65897

You deserved it

6871

Tweet

Share

Sorry…

Clean break

Ideal first date

By Anonymous

recoils in horror

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6539

You deserved it

835

Tweet

Share

By anon - United States - Elkhart

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47187

You deserved it

17499

Tweet

Share

By Omi - United States

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12845

You deserved it

41450

Tweet

Share

By Eddy

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3866

You deserved it

304

Tweet

Share

By Chuffy - United States - Loveland

Today, I followed my neighbor's advice and sprayed Sprite on my Christmas tree because it will "make it live longer." I just came downstairs to find my Christmas tree covered in ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8034

You deserved it

42879

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to pour myself a cup of coffee and noticed our kittens were playing in the living room. Transfixed by the cuteness, I didn't notice I started pouring hot coffee on my hand and foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11765

You deserved it

31057

Tweet

Share

By luckygirl - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29539

You deserved it

6191

Tweet

Share

By dorrisdoes - New Zealand

Today, while working an early shift, I was dressing a wound on a gorgeous guy, when he laughed and pointed out some granny panties next to me on the floor. I guess I forgot to take yesterday's underwear out of my pants before putting them back on this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38238

You deserved it

10120

Tweet

Share

By ThrewItOntheGrooooooound - Denmark - Odense

Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19818

You deserved it

1804

Tweet

Share

By "doyouwantmedead" - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I asked my mom if I could go to a friend's birthday. She said no, claiming I had been to too many this year already. I'd only been to one. It was my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4233

You deserved it

209

Tweet

Share

By thedancingtit - United States - Eagle River

Today, I let my brother babysit my 6-year-old daughter. She learned 2 new words from him. One of them was "Hail" and the other one was "Satan". FML

I agree, your life sucks

13971

You deserved it

2319

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then I slapped it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48554

You deserved it

210879

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Not the one

Today, my ex, who I'm still love with, told me he's engaged. We weren't together for long because he didn't want a committed relationship. Guess it was just me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1568

You deserved it

197

Tweet

Share

By UghDude - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42136

You deserved it

3259

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my dad hurt his back. He went to a physical therapist who gave him some exercises to do. I have to watch him lie on his back and air hump while groaning every hour on the hour for the next two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28255

You deserved it

4554

Tweet

Share

By Bittersweet

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1672

You deserved it

106

Tweet

Share

By collegegirl90 - United States

Today, my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating on her. I felt really guilty because I drunkenly hooked up with her boyfriend last month. She said, "I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16851

You deserved it

111266

Tweet

Share

By Claustrophobic - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38181

You deserved it

2408

Tweet

Share

By squeezable - United States

Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my lovehandles, and said "Honk, honk!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44303

You deserved it

6786

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping first-graders do school work when one of them stabbed me in the face with a pencil, all because I told her that a three was backwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33180

You deserved it

3437

Tweet

Share

By Mortified - Australia

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

I agree, your life sucks

51932

You deserved it

17327

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my dog took a dump beside the air intake for our furnace. The house now smells like dog crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25890

You deserved it

4036

Tweet

Share

By HellaBomber91 - United States

Today, I went in to a job interview with 6 other girls my age. I tried to sit down on a chair exactly like the ones every other girl was sitting on. Then, one of the interviewers offered to get me a more "sturdy" chair. For the entire interview, I got to sit in the "fat girl chair". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28573

You deserved it

8866

Tweet

Share

By geoduck - United States

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28617

You deserved it

4638

Tweet

Share

By mkonda - India

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me via a Whatsapp group. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11886

You deserved it

793

Tweet

Share

By spanishteach - United States

Today, I told my students that I would be absent tomorrow because my wife was giving birth. They burst into applause... not to congratulate me on the new baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52173

You deserved it

13642

Tweet

Share

By tim12345 - United States

Today, my friends and I rented a party bus, which broke down on the highway 45 minutes into the ride. I paid the guy for the whole four hours. He said he was going to flag down a car to get someone to help us. We saw him get into a car and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33070

You deserved it

3552

Tweet

Share

By dumpedtaco

Today, as I was planning my impending nuptials with my fiancé, my sister jokingly told him it's not too late to call it off. He took her seriously and bailed. He won’t answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4768

You deserved it

356

Tweet

Share

By bastawhiz - United States

Today, a professor approached me in the hall to ask if, since I'm a math major, I could tutor one of her communications majors in a required Calculus course. Apparently the volunteer tutor the school provides "is a complete dumbass." I'm the school's volunteer tutor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36615

You deserved it

4457

Tweet

Share

By mylifeisfed - United States

Today, I encountered one of my professors from college. Back when I was in his game theory class, he publicly criticized me for falling asleep and not paying attention, to which I retaliated by acing all of his exams. Four years and a degree later, I met him again... while working at Pizza Hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34497

You deserved it

12717

Tweet

Share

By Umidknickname

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going away for the weekend to go clubbing with his mates. I would be fine with it, except the mates he's going with already tried to get him to cheat on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4806

You deserved it

472

Tweet

Share

By scruffy - United States

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15997

You deserved it

37911

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Kokomo

Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46601

You deserved it

4428

Tweet

Share

By Snurkles McGee - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I confronted my boss to find out why I was denied a promotion that she promised to me. Her response? "You should know by now I'm a liar. Not my fault if you believe the things I say." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40412

You deserved it

3651

Tweet

Share

By Sarri - United States - Pembroke

Today, I worked up the courage to sing at an open mic night. I lost my cool halfway through because all I could hear was laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43317

You deserved it

5383

Tweet

Share

By Genuine D - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I pulled a white cloth with string on the end from my dog's mouth. I then realized I was holding my sister's used tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5407

You deserved it

417

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Desoto

Today, hours after being turned down for sex, I woke up to my boyfriend sitting at the computer, jacking off to a picture of my deceased mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55517

You deserved it

4617

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53800

You deserved it

6256

Tweet

Share

By Boo Boo - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32014

You deserved it

2441

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 05:00

Next!

Today, my therapist broke up with me after almost 3 years. I can’t pay people to listen to my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1411

You deserved it

256

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Ami8919 | 0

#132312 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:22

Hey, he's obviously good with his fingers. Don't write him off too quick.

By Get_Naykid | 0

#132297 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:17

At least he was talented.
Did he get your number? He could be of good use.

COMMENTS

By Beckers | 0

#132287 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:12

Bummer. Bit of a weirdo aye

Reply

nolasaints | 0

#970787 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 1:35

can you say gau

Reply

nolasaints | 0

#970788 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 1:37

gay***^

Reply

phippsy95 | 2

#4423908 - Saturday 12 May 2012 12:35

It would seem you can't

By Get_Naykid | 0

#132297 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:17

At least he was talented.
Did he get your number? He could be of good use.

Reply

#1650225 - Thursday 4 November 2010 17:24

Why are you complaining? He sounds like a badass.

By Ami8919 | 0

#132312 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:22

Hey, he's obviously good with his fingers. Don't write him off too quick.

Reply

jondivey | 9

#2181139 - Monday 14 March 2011 18:30

indeed

By Demetra_fml | 0

#132317 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:24

Kudos to whoever set you two up.

Reply

UpYourself | 0

#323665 - Saturday 20 June 2009 15:35

Haha best comment ever

By watanidiot | 0

#132319 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:26

hahaha #3

By _John_ | 0

#132324 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:29

This guy sounds legendary! Lol!

By Pepperolls | 0

#132325 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:29

Lol what's so FYL about that.. I would be amazed.

By Jonesy666 | 0

#132341 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:36

Yo-Yos are cool OKAY

By mutant_zebra | 0

#132344 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:37

hahaha, that would have been hilarious to watch.

By masseyguy911 | 0

#132348 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:40

That sucks. At least he has some talent though
And #3 lol that makes perfect sense!