Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page.... - FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

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Noise

Trust

Clocked

By lilmamma - 5/11/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, I took my four year old son to the playground. When it was time to go, he squirmed out of my arms back to the jungle gym. Not being the type of mother to put up with bad behavior, I swatted his rear and told him we had to go. That's when I realized I'd just spanked the wrong child who was wearing the same coat as my son. FML

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By JWhite - 24/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

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By lk26 - 8/2/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to my car to discover a note on the windshield from the city telling me that they had hit my car. On top of that note was a parking ticket, also from the city. FML

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By WeakerThanaLittleGirl - 5/2/2013 01:00 - United States

Today, after weeks of practice, I proudly did 9 chin-ups on my chin-up bar. As soon as I was done, my 11-year-old daughter came over and banged out 12 of them. Then she wiped her sweaty hands off and did 8 more. Then she gave me pointers on my technique. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2012 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at a concert. It was dark and everyone was singing and waving their lit-up phones in the air. I was having a great time, until someone snatched my £200 phone out of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 07:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2014 12:15 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

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By Jetlagged - 3/6/2017 22:00

Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML

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By hiccups - 3/11/2012 15:52 - United States - New York

Today, I had my first orgasm. I also came to the realization that whenever I orgasm I get an uncontrollable case of hiccups for at least half an hour afterwards. FML

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By mermaidkeels - 18/6/2016 08:51 - United States

Today, after getting fired, I went home only to find my boss sitting my living room. Apparently, he and my mom had been dating for months and he felt compelled to let me go because it was a "conflict of interest". FML

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By rmb131 - 20/3/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, I went to the dentist. He asked me to lean my head closer to him so he could get a better look at my teeth. He was hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:33 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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By Eleanor - 19/2/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

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By banana - 26/2/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

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By ksamp - 12/10/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 02:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML

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By prince-charming - 7/11/2009 10:12 - Kuwait

Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of "Nooooo!" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 08:19

Rock Bottom Riser

Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

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By mike - 4/9/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

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By jalapenos99 - 2/4/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

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By _sourdiesel7 - 10/11/2016 23:39 - United States - Vienna

Today, I was at work training for a new position. The girl who's been training me since I started decided to share about one of her tribe's proud, sacred traditions of eating raw, human flesh. I have another month shadowing her before I can work independently. I'm beyond disturbed. FML

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By misopower - 25/7/2009 18:50 - China

Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

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By caesarinozeppeli - 11/5/2017 16:00

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

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By fmylifeee - 27/9/2019 04:00

But my babiiiiiiies!

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on my first vacation in over two years, due to my hellish work schedule. The Governor essentially just vetoed my vacation with evacuation orders. Thanks, Hurricane Irene. FML

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By Tiana Scott - 12/9/2018 13:10

Today, I left the door open while I went to the bathroom and my 11-month-old crawled in and then took off with my toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2020 08:09

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

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By family heirloom gone - 17/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband threw away the cast iron skillet my family has cooked with for generations because it had some specks of rust that were perfectly fixable. My 5th great-grandfather had that skillet in 1890 when he was a chuck wagon driver for the cowboys during their cattle drives. FML

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By Kate - 7/3/2009 18:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were out to eat. The waiter came and asked what we wanted. My boyfriend said he wanted a cheeseburger and I told the waiter I'd have the same. My boyfriend looked at me and said, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" FML

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By flowerchildd2 - 12/12/2011 23:17 - United States

Today, a creepy old guy on the bus asked me if I wanted to "lick it." When I said no, he tried to convince me by telling me that "it tastes good." FML

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By WeightonmyShoulders - 11/12/2015 21:10 - United States - Canandaigua

Today, I realized that I know, all too well, what it feels like to have my over-middle-age boss's boob on my shoulder. FML

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By chickfilady - 29/7/2016 03:10

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, I was getting mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?!" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML

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By mcdeez - 22/9/2009 02:06 - New Zealand

Today, I had to cover for my coworker who didn't turn up for work. He is always late for work and I was pissed off about having to cover for him again so I said to my colleagues "He better be either in hospital or dead." Turns out he was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 07:27 - United States

Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

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By Insomniac - 2/2/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the beach and we were tanning when I suddenly saw 10 roses floating in the ocean. I went around to pick up all the roses and threw the petals at my friends. Then I notice a big boat of people in black and white were looking at me with disgust. It was a funeral. FML

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By skaterboy - 13/8/2013 15:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my mom got a cat. I'm allergic to cats, so I politely asked my mom why she got it. Her response: "I want you to finally want to move out." I turned eighteen two weeks ago. FML

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By "of fucking course" - 5/9/2017 06:00

Creeper Alert

Today, I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my husband on our couch. He had just taken off my shirt when a strange smell hit my nose. I turned my head and saw my alcoholic neighbor with a cigarette in his hand, watching the entire thing unfold. FML

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By tillyg15 - 2/5/2012 11:18 - United Kingdom - Droitwich

Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML

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Top comments

By AliMarie | 0

#266258 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:03

That sucks. I don't even know what I would do in that situation. My boyfriend's mom hates me. . wont even look at me when I walk in a room (for no reason at all). At least now you know she's two faced.

By Capn | 0

#266272 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:05

Its one of those mothers that will always be an issue. Don't let it get in the way of what matters to you and your fiance. She's too stupid to realize that she's done mothering and needs to let him go.

COMMENTS

By AliMarie | 0

#266258 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:03

That sucks. I don't even know what I would do in that situation. My boyfriend's mom hates me. . wont even look at me when I walk in a room (for no reason at all). At least now you know she's two faced.

Reply

killerviral | 0

#832511 - Sunday 7 February 2010 7:21

she's just juelous that she can't have incest with him

Reply

evanking | 0

#1152621 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 15:56

hahaha thats great

By ghettob | 0

#266259 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:03

hahaha

By moomoo88 | 0

#266260 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:03

duuuuuude what a bitch!!!

By Capn | 0

#266272 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:05

Its one of those mothers that will always be an issue. Don't let it get in the way of what matters to you and your fiance. She's too stupid to realize that she's done mothering and needs to let him go.

By Victoria_fml | 0

#266281 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:06

Maybe your fiancé has an engaged brother... =)

Well, trust your guts, if you think you get along with your mother in law to be... Maybe she wasn't talking about you at all.

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#986086 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 0:10

:o thas nasty!!!

:@ blarrrrfffffffff

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#986090 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 0:15

o i commented on rhe wrong FML. the 1 I wanted to comment on was about a lady touching a still twiching rats head in her kittys mouth

By Darkon | 0

#266285 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:06

Lesson learned on in-laws they are to be rarely trusted/liked.

By yer_maw | 0

#266289 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:07

she sounds delightful :)

By baysidebird88 | 0

#266303 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:09

that sucks so much darlin. Don't worry you'll have your revenge when you say "I do." You don't have to get a long with the mother in law, just your hubby.

By ilovetheoc | 0

#266314 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:11

Zing

By Claymason | 0

#266331 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:14

Jeez, so much for being happy for her son right?