Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia... - FML

By bouncekitty - United States

Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia wore off, I asked how long the procedure took, and the nurse told me a little less than an hour. Apparently I thought this was hilarious and started laughing, which ripped my new stitches. FML

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The View

Cake is everything

In-laws, in-fighting

By TheJoker - United States

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

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By sigh... - United States

Today, after several hours of trying to get my triplet daughters to go to bed, they finally fell asleep. Exhausted, I went to the bathroom so I could go to bed. Not thinking about it, I dropped the toilet seat down rather loudly and flushed the toilet. All three girls woke up crying. FML

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By reallyupset - United States

Today, my boyfriend became convinced that I cheated on him, and broke up with me, saying he would "get me back." When I came home, I found his key on my counter and my cat missing. FML

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By pritch44 - United States

Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salida

Today, I went back to work after a horrible bout of respiratory illness. After a few hours of using hot tea, cough drops, and tissues to deal with my lingering cough, I found out that my asshole coworker has filed a formal complaint about me disrupting her concentration. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a full on "conversation" with my cat about her laying off the catnip. I really need to get out more. FML

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By swee t - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

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By Kirby - United States

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot." Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

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By whattheshit - United States

Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML

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By woof woof?? - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

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By ClaustrophobicNightmares - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

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By poorbastard - Canada - Longueuil

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

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By mikey - United States

Today, I realized that the full body wax I got two weeks ago that my wife told me would look sexy doesn't just make me look like a completely hairless ten-year-old boy. The ingrown hairs everywhere now make me look like someone with chicken pox. FML

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By jemstuff - United States

Today, at work, I stopped in my boss/boyfriend's office to find him getting intimate with a girl. He then tells me that he is cheating on me, that he is dumping me, and that I am fired. Oh, and he is keeping the cat. FML

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By Shannon - United States

Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two-month old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after saying I'd edit and revise a coworker's report so he could go home and spend his anniversary with his wife, he sent me a file. Upon opening it, it was pictures of men wearing strange fetish gear while being dominated. He has yet to send me the correct file and I'm scared to ask. FML

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By QWERTY

Today, my roommate thought it would be a good idea to show me his huge new tarantula despite knowing that I have extremely severe arachnophobia. I ended up killing it with a book and apparently now owe him $500. FML

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By darthmilfious - France

Actor's Studio

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was making a list of things to do tomorrow while faking an orgasm when I realize my boyfriend had finished about two minutes ago. He's pissed. FML

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By psychicmother - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

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By danmarino - United States

Today, these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. I basically yelled, "What's a clit?" Everyone looked at me. I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. I had to google it when I got home. FML

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By Cpm - Canada

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Randers

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up without my fiancé in bed next to me, but I assumed he'd gone to work early. I went on Facebook to find that he had posted a break-up post to himself from my account and set my status to single. I then found a note with "Sorry" written on it stuck to the kitchen counter. FML

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By mississippi123 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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By canadiansun - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

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By SorryUncleTommy - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

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By fire0fisis - United States

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

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By dinosaur - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 02:00

Impatience

Today, my dad asked me to help him buy a laptop by searching online. He explicitly said, "When you have time." I decided to shower as I had just woken up. While showering, I was startled by loud banging and my dad angrily asking why I wasn't looking for his laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mooroolbark

Today, the doorbell rang. I saw my incredibly overbearing mum's car outside, so I stayed quiet and tried to sneak upstairs. As I crawled through the hallway, commando style, I realised the door blinds were still out for cleaning. If scowls could kill, I'd be roasting in Hell right now. FML

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By Smash_Mouth - United States

Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

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By Fcuked - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

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By jriese444 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

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By life_suxxx - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

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By yapDogs - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I sent a $120 bouquet of flowers for mother's day. When I called tonight see if my Mom got them, she replied that they were still on the doorstep because she "didn't want the dogs to get excited and start barking" when she opened the front door to bring them in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML

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By 1337fade - Denmark

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

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Top comments

By Privations_fml | 0

#2104665 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:35

"Well, the surgery took a little less than an hour overall"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" *rrrrriiiipppppp*

You'll have a funny story to tell!

By afdude87 | 6

#2104509 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:11

youve never had surgery have you? youre not very rational and definitely out of it. tool.

COMMENTS

By Lennsik | 4

#2104453 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:00

Well that's going to be a mouthful to explain to your friends.

Reply

flyinpogosticker | 0

#2110758 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:53

oranges

Reply

skyler_kitttyyy | 0

#2242681 - Saturday 26 March 2011 3:29

Aww dude I am sorry feel better I got my wisdom teeth out today;(

By chingao | 4

#2104457 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

burriedinskin | 0

#2104506 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:10

They where probably loopy from drugs:P

Reply

afdude87 | 6

#2104509 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:11

youve never had surgery have you? youre not very rational and definitely out of it. tool.

By afdude87 | 6

#2104504 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:09

yeah coming out of anesthesia is always fun. sucks you ripped em, but at least you probably didnt feel it. lol

By xNikkiez | 0

#2104596 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:21

Oww.....I got surgery on my canine teeth because they were pushing forward, they bled non-stop and had to go to the hospital because my soup I was eating melted my stitches. FYL

By Privations_fml | 0

#2104665 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:35

"Well, the surgery took a little less than an hour overall"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" *rrrrriiiipppppp*

You'll have a funny story to tell!

By Eerrrh | 0

#2104715 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:46

It's just a flesh wound!

By rattusrattus | 18

#2104767 - Monday 21 February 2011 1:02

Stitches...?

By Adailin | 0

#2105452 - Monday 21 February 2011 1:49

Why would you think "a little less than an hour" is so funny ??

Reply

ohhoho | 2

#2105500 - Monday 21 February 2011 2:09

Nitrous Oxide aka "Laughing gas". Commonly used for surgical dental procedures.

Reply

krazy_glu3 | 0

#2105710 - Monday 21 February 2011 3:19

if you've ever had laughing gas you'll understand. I remember laughing thru-out them pulling out two teeth cause it felt funny when I breathed in. that stuff is fun though.

By beocA | 3

#2105506 - Monday 21 February 2011 2:10

oh well... just means more pain killers.

Reply

Notorias | 4

#2106107 - Monday 21 February 2011 5:50

lol fuck uea

By tyler5713084 | 0

#2105607 - Monday 21 February 2011 2:45

I recently had all 4 of mine removed and I also found everything funny but instead of ripping the stiches I fell over. So it could've been worse for u