Health: Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia... - FML

By bouncekitty - United States

Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia wore off, I asked how long the procedure took, and the nurse told me a little less than an hour. Apparently I thought this was hilarious and started laughing, which ripped my new stitches. FML

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BO Central

Dangling modifier

Best Baby Names of 2021

By kayin - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

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By Ginger - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me I should finish school early and get a job so we can get married, because then he'll have enough money to buy the truck he's had his eyes on for our whole relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was playing Charades. My boyfriend, who I'd recently had a fight with, had trouble and just said his answer was the name of my celebrity twin. Nobody got it. He said "Really? It's Fat Bastard." Stunned silence followed, broken by a single "HAH." from my 'best friend'. FML

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By bkay26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML

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By pride? what's that? :( - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML

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By axel519 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

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By littleman - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

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By IHateBagels - United States

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

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By unit - United States

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

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By Amanda Howard - 30/11/2020 02:02

Be hotter

Today, I saw that a girl on Twitter made $1.5 million just from OnlyFans and she's only 19. Meanwhile, I'm 21 and working two jobs just to afford school and pay my bills. FML

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By not a bitch just don’t like you - 10/3/2021 13:59 - United States

White knights

Today, once again, I told a guy who’s been hounding me for ages that I’m not interested. After being asked repeatedly and turning him down politely for so long, I finally snapped and cussed his ass out. Now I’m known as "the bitch" for hurting such a "nice guy's" feelings. I need new friends. FML

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By singlelady - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, to avoid disappointing my excited great grandmother, I still attended a small family dinner to celebrate my engagement. My fiancé and I split last night, I haven't slept and had to tell her he was caught up at work. FML

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By Van

Work name

Today, I found out the girl my husband's been calling "Sister" isn't actually his sister, but instead a hooker whose work name is "Sister". FML

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By stupdude3 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, I got rear-ended because my ultra-clingy girlfriend wouldn't let go of my hand long enough for me to shift gears. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, a while after finishing and uploading a task, I looked at my peers' work to make sure I hadn't missed anything in mine. One of them had gotten the same idea and had decided to incorporate part of my work into his. "Part" as in "all". "All" as in all of his work is also all of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

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By Starfucks - United States - Bensalem

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

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By Nudge23 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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By totalloss - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

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By Spoilicious - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was reading a book in public. Some bastard stranger came over and started spoiling the plot for me. FML

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By hometown blues

Today, I’d been dying to escape my dreary hometown, but had panic attacks at the thought of being on my own, but at last, I'd found a place I could afford. Turns out, the guy I was going to rent from was just arrested for murdering his last tenant. FML

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By justhereforlaughs - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

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By spiteful bitch - 25/7/2020 23:00

Surprise!

Today, my boyfriend’s ex found out I was pregnant. Her logical response was to have her teenage sons jump him as he was coming home from work. Now we’re filling out a police report instead of our baby registry. FML

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By Ciabatta - France

Today, it's my one year anniversary with my husband. I put on a sexy outfit, red dress and slinky underwear, and waited for him to get home. He walked in the door and asked me with a quizzical look if I was going out tonight. FML

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By dedeanne08 - United States - Newark

Today, I received some new snow boots I had ordered online. When I opened the package there was only one boot in the box. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother told my therapist that I've been reverting to childlike behavior and she was worried about my maturity. She was worried because I screamed hysterically after dropping a pot of boiling noodles on my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, someone flirted with me. They kept touching me, insisting we should go out sometime, and hounding me for my number. At a family-only memorial service. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pratt

Judgment Day

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

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By CassidyQueen - United States - Warrenton

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

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By Shnur - United States

Today, my patient, a chubby little girl, stood on a scale to measure her weight. She was 5 yrs old and weighed 65 lbs. I started giving her advice on eating healthy: fruits, vegetables, and more greens. She turned to her mother giving a look of shock and said, "But mommy, the doctor is fat too!" FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

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By Looking4ajob - United States - Jackson

Today, I asked my manager what NSFW stands for. FML

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By BreechInEducation

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was singing one of my favorite songs in my car while at a red light. A guy made it a point to get my attention and said, "If you're really going to sing that bad, you should probably roll your windows up." FML

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By nobodylovesme - United States - Northridge

Today, it was my wedding day. Three people showed up. My mom, my dad, and the priest. FML

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Top comments

By Privations_fml | 0

#2104665 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:35

"Well, the surgery took a little less than an hour overall"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" *rrrrriiiipppppp*

You'll have a funny story to tell!

By afdude87 | 6

#2104509 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:11

youve never had surgery have you? youre not very rational and definitely out of it. tool.

COMMENTS

By Lennsik | 4

#2104453 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:00

Well that's going to be a mouthful to explain to your friends.

Reply

flyinpogosticker | 0

#2110758 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:53

oranges

Reply

skyler_kitttyyy | 0

#2242681 - Saturday 26 March 2011 3:29

Aww dude I am sorry feel better I got my wisdom teeth out today;(

By chingao | 4

#2104457 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

burriedinskin | 0

#2104506 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:10

They where probably loopy from drugs:P

Reply

afdude87 | 6

#2104509 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:11

youve never had surgery have you? youre not very rational and definitely out of it. tool.

By afdude87 | 6

#2104504 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:09

yeah coming out of anesthesia is always fun. sucks you ripped em, but at least you probably didnt feel it. lol

By xNikkiez | 0

#2104596 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:21

Oww.....I got surgery on my canine teeth because they were pushing forward, they bled non-stop and had to go to the hospital because my soup I was eating melted my stitches. FYL

By Privations_fml | 0

#2104665 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:35

"Well, the surgery took a little less than an hour overall"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" *rrrrriiiipppppp*

You'll have a funny story to tell!

By Eerrrh | 0

#2104715 - Monday 21 February 2011 0:46

It's just a flesh wound!

By rattusrattus | 18

#2104767 - Monday 21 February 2011 1:02

Stitches...?

By Adailin | 0

#2105452 - Monday 21 February 2011 1:49

Why would you think "a little less than an hour" is so funny ??

Reply

ohhoho | 2

#2105500 - Monday 21 February 2011 2:09

Nitrous Oxide aka "Laughing gas". Commonly used for surgical dental procedures.

Reply

krazy_glu3 | 0

#2105710 - Monday 21 February 2011 3:19

if you've ever had laughing gas you'll understand. I remember laughing thru-out them pulling out two teeth cause it felt funny when I breathed in. that stuff is fun though.

By beocA | 3

#2105506 - Monday 21 February 2011 2:10

oh well... just means more pain killers.

Reply

Notorias | 4

#2106107 - Monday 21 February 2011 5:50

lol fuck uea

By tyler5713084 | 0

#2105607 - Monday 21 February 2011 2:45

I recently had all 4 of mine removed and I also found everything funny but instead of ripping the stiches I fell over. So it could've been worse for u