Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how... - FML

By Jessie - 5/7/2011 16:34 - United States

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

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Dangling modifier

Serious times

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

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By coloneltushfinger - 12/6/2019 16:00

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By RectalSteve - 10/9/2017 20:00 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - 9/9/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By Frank - 17/8/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By ClumsyKatey - 2/7/2017 22:00

Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coatrack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML

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By imsadnow - 31/1/2011 20:01 - United States

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

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By cjay2200 - 28/8/2011 21:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

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By Stoopiddogbot - 12/2/2013 13:18 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I came home to find the dog had learned how to open our stair-gate and kitchen door, devoured the entire fruitcake I'd made for a special occasion, and then vomited said fruitcake all over the fabric sofa. FML

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By MikeIsMaster - 16/2/2010 10:46 - South Africa

Today, I invited my boss for supper as we get on pretty well. Everything was going well, until my German Shepherd bit him. FML

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By llord - 24/8/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my engagement ring was actually my husband's ex-fiancée's. FML

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By Username - 1/2/2011 15:40

Today, a snow storm rolled into my small town, leaving my car stuck under 3 feet of snow. I called my boss to tell her I couldn't drive to work. Her reply? "Walk." FML

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By Rimmy Jobs - 21/8/2012 16:39 - United States

Today, after volleyball practice, I noticed my pants were missing. Now I have to go to work wearing spandex bottoms, all because one of my teammates is a thieving douche. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 03:11 - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 01:28

Today, I attempted to score with a previous friend-with-benefits by sending her a photo of my Christmas present, bondage rope. She arrived an hour later in a mad panic. She thought I was going to hang myself. FML

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By Nick - 20/3/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

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By Menareidiots - 24/2/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

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By KBBL - 12/3/2014 16:02 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

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By juliette - 7/2/2015 05:13 - United States - Astoria

Today, my mom called me an attention seeker and threw a bitch fit because my cat "decided" to die on her birthday. FML

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By holy sleet - 29/11/2013 21:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML

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By Sean - 3/3/2012 07:33 - Canada

Today, while my plane took off, I was forced to sit and watch as somebody rear-ended my car in the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2012 05:01 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my boyfriend told me I was almost perfect. And the only reason I'm not completely perfect is because I don't like Mountain Dew. FML

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By lifedoessuck12 - 19/7/2009 14:13 - Philippines

Today, I had to wait outside Starbucks. While standing, I started day dreaming and didn't notice I had been staring at a table beside the window for a long time. Suddenly, someone went up to me and said "Try not to be so obvious". Sitting at the table was a girl with a huge cleavage. FML

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By 99520 - 28/7/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

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By Lilah - 19/2/2012 00:29 - Canada

Today, I was showing off my sexy new lingerie set to my boyfriend. While we were getting frisky, he got really into things and ripped it completely off my body, destroying it. It cost me $110. FML

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By sad - 25/10/2011 10:15 - Reserved

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By NYCproblems - 24/6/2013 14:06 - United States - New York

Today, my ten-year-old brother came to visit me in NYC. Within ten minutes of walking on Times Square he had seen a prostitute and a partially-naked man. He now refuses to leave my apartment and screams when I try to drag him out. He's here for the next two weeks. FML

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By justfat - 12/3/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

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By Pinkie - 6/8/2011 21:06 - United States

Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML

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By Janitor - 8/3/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2016 06:11

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

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By Yoda - 8/7/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2016 18:50 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I overheard a "friend" talking about me and my recently deceased dog. He said: "Only time I've seen someone get that upset over someone dying, they were fucking each other. Just sayin'." FML

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By Ima_Moronski - 26/7/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2015 05:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML

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By sheridan.ashley - 15/5/2010 06:27 - Australia

Today, my sister decided to wake me up by pumping handwash into my open mouth. FML

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By girlw/ablog - 2/7/2019 11:00 - United States - Austin

Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

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By Ovie - 25/7/2019 22:00

Today, I got caught absent-mindedly fondling my knob in front of Love Island. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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Top comments

By oliviarahhxoxo | 7

#2826984 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:13

hotttt...

By ammmeor | 4

#2827000 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:14

at least she didn't show pictures of his dick...

COMMENTS

By oliviarahhxoxo | 7

#2826984 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:13

hotttt...

Reply

SuckItTrolls | 7

#2827020 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:15

You're not hot.

Reply

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#2827038 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:16

who wouldn't be jealous of that fat sexy man?

Reply

PageantGirlXOXO | 16

#2827081 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:19

very sexy...mmm

Reply

OWNZ | 0

#2827107 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:21

MAN BOOBS FTW!!! Very sexy! ;)

Reply

JoHan55_fml | 7

#2827218 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:34

agreed ^^ sooo freaking sexy!!! ahh

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#2827498 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:21

can i be her??!!??!

Reply

AlexRen | 21

#2827535 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:25

that's freaking Sexy,(;

Reply

randiZ25 | 0

#2827549 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:27

ah yes, the convenience of being able to share a bra with your man would be appealing to almost all women.

Reply

gertyygirly | 4

#2827568 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:31

Tell me about it! We can splurge and go to Victorias secret but still split the cost!!

Reply

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2827757 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:00

Why didn't you just ask her to stop?

Reply

omgwtfbbq69 | 5

#2827866 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:15

F her life!

Reply

CCrunner2 | 0

#2827996 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:54

I'm jealous

Reply

kyarush | 10

#2828066 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 1:21

LOL... rough

Reply

iSlappedCupid | 0

#2828326 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 2:58

Hhmm EXTREMELY hotttt =)

Reply

shannonreneee | 11

#2828346 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 3:01

I think it's sweet that she loves someone that isn't classified as "attractive" on paper.

Reply

NurseBitch | 5

#2828413 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 3:27

Yeah... but if OP's fiance is not a KY Thoroughbred, that's still something to brag about.

Reply

squishy01 | 0

#2828763 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 5:33

Mmmm… hot rolls... whoops! I mean Fat rolls.

Reply

powderpuffjord13 | 0

#2828885 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 6:00

ohhhhh yeahh now thats what I'm talkin' 'bout! ;)

Reply

YDI__Bitch | 0

#2829029 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 6:33

only in America!

Reply

MrFlintstone | 5

#2829434 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 8:35

io like them big I like them chunky

Reply

nahgemoohc | 17

#2830797 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 15:36

ahhh, yes...love is blind..

Reply

manMadeFAIL | 7

#2831239 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 17:21

like peter girffen said " fat sex is great"

Reply

Newboyz00185 | 0

#2836020 - Thursday 7 July 2011 5:27

.....
Lemme go change my underwear..

Reply

Altosax | 4

#2837338 - Thursday 7 July 2011 8:05

hey if she thinks that's sexy, good for the both of them.

Reply

Pomno | 0

#2841174 - Thursday 7 July 2011 21:32

I seen that episode!

Reply

wtvr | 2

#2905797 - Saturday 16 July 2011 12:46

that doesnt mean they can't have a fulfilled relationship and a great sexlife does it...

Reply

zachgriggs13 | 0

#3306254 - Sunday 18 September 2011 7:08

Hey

By avanth | 2

#2826986 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:13

1st!poor you

By xxsarahfxx | 6

#2826988 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:13

Well we all like them different? :)

Reply

sns_fml | 0

#2827443 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:14

I'm mr bucket put your balls in my mouth!

Reply

imnotcraZ | 0

#2828188 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 2:12

you watch raywilliamjohnson!!!

Reply

Lumenoire | 0

#2829258 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 7:33

She likes big butts, and she cannot lie.

Reply

uncleyuggles | 0

#2830001 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 10:18

^but she adores them on a guy

Reply

icrest80 | 4

#3582945 - Monday 14 November 2011 5:06

Penis

Reply

Earth_Bound | 0

#4256678 - Wednesday 4 April 2012 5:21

My mom is49. My dad is 56..... And overweight

By Jess1008 | 4

#2826991 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:14

gross! tell her to stfu

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#2827066 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:18

Why would "saving the flying unicorns" solve anything?

Reply

Lauren10102 | 3

#2827113 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:22

what doesn't "saving he flying unicorns" fix?

Reply

RetardedBullFrog | 4

#2827245 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:37

If she went off to "save the flying unicorns" then the OP wouldn't have to listen to her talk. FML for the unicorns though, they would have to listen to her.

Reply

jakeisawake | 3

#2827351 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:59

Yeah, you should have described your, "I don't give a fuck" impression in great detail.

Reply

hook_em | 0

#2827828 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:09

no no mrsassypants they are not "saving the flying unicorn" they are specifically "scratching from unda-cheese"

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#2828047 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 1:12

10 sounds nice, ooooo.

Reply

lovelaughing101 | 1

#2857677 - Saturday 9 July 2011 22:40

that's what I would do! I don't need to listen to things I really don't want to hear...

By fmyli | 0

#2826998 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:14

i just might puke now...

Reply

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2827845 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:11

I bet they are hairy.. even better!

Reply

00SPRANGER00 | 0

#2828782 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 5:39

moobs FTW!!

By ammmeor | 4

#2827000 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:14

at least she didn't show pictures of his dick...

Reply

dakotasgirl00 | 2

#2827256 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:39

Very true.

Reply

saga_darlin | 0

#2827635 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:41

CHANGE UR FUCKING PIC

Reply

HouseKeeping | 0

#2827794 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:04

It's a cat. You asshole.

Reply

saga_darlin | 0

#2827803 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:06

who are you his body guard

Reply

saga_darlin | 0

#2827837 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:10

dont fucking get emotional you fucking dick head.its not like i said anything bout your fucking pic soo shut your mother fucking mouth before i start on you.you piece of shit

Reply

HouseKeeping | 0

#2827874 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:18

You just can't stop getting moderated can you?

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2828466 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 3:50

What did saga_ say? I can't read it cuz it's moderated. Pls fill me in :)

Reply

EatnBeef | 7

#2828664 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 5:05

apparently not haha. gotta love trolls

Reply

Garyy_fml | 11

#2829304 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 7:47

I love assholes that first make an FML account and thing they can curse and troll all they want. There's mods and rules that must be followed.

Reply

ym5 | 0

#2829946 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 9:57

house keeping that's a cool owl

Reply

daniel1991 | 0

#2837740 - Thursday 7 July 2011 9:58

maybe op didnt mention that part XD

Reply

saga_darlin | 0

#2849348 - Friday 8 July 2011 19:14

sorry about everything i said before i was only playing.anways nice picture ; )

By saIty | 17

#2827004 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:14

She wants you to admire his manboobs.

Reply

WCARlover | 34

#2827356 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:00

moobs!

Reply

Yocomedy12 | 0

#2832321 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 19:51

I believe you mean moobs, good sir.

By enonymous | 8

#2827008 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:15

Can I have his phone number? I was sold at 56 and overweight

Reply

lilmisslovely13 | 15

#2827373 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:02

You know, I was thinking that this really was an FML until I got to the part about 56 and fat. I'm incredibly jealous of OP and OP's coworker. ;)

Reply

ThorneCrossed | 9

#2829359 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 8:10

get in line, those moons are mine

By ksib | 0

#2827010 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:15

you know u like it lmao.

By Justforlolz | 14

#2827017 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:15

Suggest very casually that she invest in glasses to help her see better.

Reply

nerdchic | 5

#2827392 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:06

so you have to be young and fit to be loved? nothing wrong with that.. and op didn't have to listen.. this isn't really a fml...