Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML
Today, feeling ravenous and hungover, I sneakily ate my roommate’s leftover pizza. Halfway through, I realized it wasn’t pizza, it was a frozen waffle with ketchup and cheese they’d left in the box as a trap. I fell for it. FML
Today, in a drunken state, I decided that it would be a good idea to shave with a pizza cutter. FML
Today, I woke up at a stranger's house after a long night of drinking. Before leaving, I decided to steal some mouthwash so I didn't smell like a liquor store. Thinking of the night before, I instinctively downed the Listerine like a shot and puked everywhere. FML
Today, I decided to do a good bit of spring cleaning. When my apartment was finally spotless I went to lie down. I woke up later to find my drunk flatmate passed out in a puddle of her own puke on the living room's carpet. FML
Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic so to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her. Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML
Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML
Today, I was so hungry and broke that I resorted to drinking salad dressing. FML
Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because, "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML
Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML
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Top comments
Markovski 18
Should've stole food back..
SlimDanny 15
Thanks for breaking this down for us.
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Comments (71)
pickle682 17
FYL
joshi42 16
Well, on the other hand, you had a faster detox.
CaptainBlack 18
Plot twist: no one's been eating his food, he's just been getting drunk and forgetting he ate it himself.
mrlawlor7777 26
I thought 26's comment was bad after 13 said it first. This was from the department of redundancy department.
Kielnmsoftly 26
People on here hit ydi but if the flat mate are it and wrote an fml about it, they'd get ydi too. NOT EVERYONE DESERVES IT GUYS!
False_Stupidity 42
But op deserves it for getting wasted after setting up such a trap.
be82tw 17
@48, They both deserve it: OP just got there first.
uncle_ssaamm 12
dont mess with peoples insidy parts... they could have issues with taking laxatives thats not cool
ECHOSPiiKES 19
*ba dum tsss*
Andrewluz 5
Well that BACKFIRED oh wait someone already wrote that
Drosophila82 18
Oh wow.... Bro you're gonna need an anal fissure ointment!
seriouslygrowup 11
You had to eat it? Who forced you? Why did you have to eat it?
be82tw 17
Deliberately putting laxatives in someone's food is considered assault. The fact that it was YOUR food that he was stealing doesn't make it any better when you are anticipating him taking it. Any medicine, even innocuous things like laxatives, are potentially dangerous, especially if the receiver doesn't realize they'd taken them. Not classy, OP, not classy.