Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my... - FML

By Kev - 20/8/2014 17:53 - United States - Flemington

Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML

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The Summoner

Last dates

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 17:02

Mixed signals

Today, my girlfriend always assures me she doesn’t care if I’m a little overweight, yet in the past few weeks she’s bought me running shorts, new trainers, a set of professional barbells and weights, a "how to lose weight in your living room" book and installed a treadmill in the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2019 19:00 - Australia

Smell good

Today, I was doing the laundry and changing the bed sheets. I found most of my underwear under my step daughters bed, when I asked her, she said that she liked the way they smelled. FML

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By pikachu_43 - 21/3/2015 15:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

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By cjay2200 - 28/8/2011 21:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

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By :( - 27/4/2011 06:54

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

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By ShowerStar - 15/8/2012 21:14 - United States - Mequon

Today, I realized that my neighbors can not only hear me singing in the shower through my apartment's paper-thin walls, they also take great delight in recording it so that they can play it at high volume for their friends when they next throw a party. I want to disappear. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 13:47 - United Kingdom

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

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By mushroomless - 14/10/2015 05:40 - United States - Thayne

Today, I got yelled at in a grocery store by a customer who recognized me from the pizza place where I work. Apparently, I forgot mushrooms on her pizza earlier this afternoon. I had the day off, but thanks for the verbal lashing, lady. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 11:16 - United States - Woodinville

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

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By SOMAgirl - 6/7/2010 09:16 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2015 04:16 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my psycho landlord threatened to take me to court if I don't pay my rent on time this month. I'd totally understand if he weren't my father-in-law, and if the reason I didn't pay on time before was because of hospital fees I'd incurred for an emergency appendectomy. FML

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By locked out - 27/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Marion

Today, I called a locksmith to unlock my car. He got it unlocked, but broke the handle so the door wouldn’t open. We had to break a window to get in. He still charged me his usual fee. FML

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By f_n_fail - 6/12/2016 21:31 - United States

Today, I got a note from my son's kindergarten teacher. During free time yesterday, he told her, "Mommy was stripping". I was indeed stripping. Paint that is. FML

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By EmberLove - 17/1/2013 14:06 - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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By aabadaba - 1/4/2013 05:23 - United States - La Mirada

Today, my Jewish boyfriend came over for my extended family's Easter party. My grandmother made fun of him for being Jewish so badly, that he left, crying. She doesn't see what she did wrong. FML

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By thatsjustlovely - 1/1/2010 08:16 - United States

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

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By CyberHex305 - 1/4/2017 16:00

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2018 17:30

Today, my boiler packed up on me just as the weather has turned cold, with no money to have it fixed. Hello to a week of freezing cold showers. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2017 19:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, at an MA meeting, I ran into the cop who'd pulled me over and given me a ticket for marijuana possession. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 14:00

Love is…

Today, I went to a job interview. At the end of it, after I had got the job, my new manager said, “See you soon.” I then accidentally replied, “You too, love you.” FML

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By ... - 12/2/2019 18:00

Today, I finally had an interview for my dream job. It was all going great until I started chuckling uncontrollably, snorted like a pig and hit the guy with the world's largest snot rocket. All I could do was slip out the door as he sat paralysed with shock. FML

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By rained - 2/2/2009 05:44 - Hong Kong

Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML

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By bonesniffer - 16/9/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I crawled into bed naked, wanting to get some and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who's always complaining that I don't sleep naked. When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass and said 'oh' then rolled back over and went to sleep. FML

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By Daddy - 10/11/2008 12:06 - France

Today, I gave my son a row for losing a very important paper that I need for my work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML

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By wow - 27/11/2019 05:00 - United States - Portland

Good shot

Today, for the first time in months, my best friend agreed to hang out with me. After waiting, three hours for him to show up, I called to see what was taking him so long. He told me he couldn't come because he needed to get a haircut. FML

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By Sickasadog - 6/2/2017 16:00 - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's room with the new paint we bought. It's an oil-based paint which hides all blemishes on the wall, but apparently makes me sick. I'm now throwing up everywhere, but at least the room looks good. FML

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By Arniii - 1/2/2012 18:53 - United States

Today, it was our class field trip. I got five dollars from ten different people because they wanted me to sit away from them. FML

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By chris - 9/6/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I was walking my new dog and saw this girl that I've had a crush on for months. When I approached her, I tried to look 'macho' with my dog. However my dog thought it would be more attractive to pee on my leg. FML

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By tom28402 - 22/2/2015 23:21 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I competed in a Tae Kwon Do competition. I came third with my team in the sparring event. My mum said as a joke, "Were there only 3 teams?" There were. FML

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By bacon lovers worst nightmare - 26/9/2012 06:57 - United States - San Diego

Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2015 17:36 - United States - Show Low

Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML

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By R_U_CEREAL - 4/7/2009 08:58 - United States

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

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By Broke - 27/7/2016 16:38 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I are looking at places to stay to meet for the first time. I figured renting a small vacation apartment would be ideal because he's not able to help pay because he isn't working and I'm not rich. He's telling me he can only be comfortable in 4 star hotels. FML

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By Dana - 29/1/2010 18:59 - United States

Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor's being blown away. Thinking I'd be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 05:01 - Italy

Statistics

Today, I found out that my 7 friends, with a total of 23 past boyfriends in 11 years, have had 0 orgasms during sex. As someone whose sex ed was basically porn, it felt like finding out Santa wasn't real, but worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 23:12 - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

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By lylethomes15 - 21/4/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, I brought my dog to the vet for a routine surgery. The vets assured me that no dog had ever died during this procedure. Apparently my dog was the first. FML

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By thissucks - 1/3/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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By awkward drunk - 29/1/2011 12:40 - Canada

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

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Top comments

By warsun | 27

#6043391 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:16

F your grandma's life actually

By junkman6 | 22

#6043393 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:17

There's drunk and then there's that. Maybe you shouldn't drink for a while?

COMMENTS

By RusticChick | 27

#6043389 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:15

Let's hope your grandma didn't reply.

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6043470 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:16

With pics of her own...*shudders*

Reply

lnheritance | 19

#6043924 - Thursday 21 August 2014 8:30

Granny panties, *shiver*.

Reply

Smiley_70 | 22

#6043981 - Thursday 21 August 2014 11:21

Why my lad I remember when your willy was tiny!

By warsun | 27

#6043391 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:16

F your grandma's life actually

Reply

cinskeep43 | 15

#6043504 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:41

yeah I'm sure she's so proud of her grandchildren

Reply

MSDemonslayer | 5

#6043678 - Thursday 21 August 2014 4:26

Wow. I like your profile pic. Maplestory. I like that shit.

By junkman6 | 22

#6043393 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:17

There's drunk and then there's that. Maybe you shouldn't drink for a while?

Reply

cinskeep43 | 15

#6043508 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:44

for a while?!?! how bout never lol

By alice192823 | 24

#6043394 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Woah your poor grandma

By alex_622 | 22

#6043396 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

That was more than granny bargained for...

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6043544 - Thursday 21 August 2014 1:11

Or less...

By IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#6043397 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Did granny send nudes back?

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#6043472 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:17

Hopefully....

Reply

FmyL6 | 19

#6043517 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:52

NOT!

Reply

LowExpectations | 30

#6043620 - Thursday 21 August 2014 2:35

(Rocks back and forth, shaking head.) No, no, no, no, no, no.

Reply

J_Kertz | 14

#6044770 - Friday 22 August 2014 10:59

#28 - People like you make me wonder...

By Pleonasm | 34

#6043404 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:19

Depending on how you played your cards, she either just took you off the will or just added you on it.

By kabza | 12

#6043406 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:22

you deserve it for sending nude pics while drunk

Reply

foxwasalamb | 24

#6043413 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:26

maybe he feels more confident under the influence. who knows.

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6043516 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:50

If sending nudes to your grandma is confidence... I'll take 5 pitchers of timid please.

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6043545 - Thursday 21 August 2014 1:12

Sending nudes is never very smart, easy to be used against you. To an ex, very bad.

Reply

oreoeater | 21

#6043617 - Thursday 21 August 2014 2:30

your not exactly thinking straight when your drunk

Reply

sashin112792 | 7

#6043645 - Thursday 21 August 2014 3:40

Agreed, #50 but if you're drunk enough to send nudes to your grandma you might have a problem

Reply

orbit | 22

#6044255 - Thursday 21 August 2014 21:42

It probably works better than an AA meeting though

By IJG2000 | 16

#6043407 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:22

This is on a whole new level of drunk

Reply

gramirez23 | 9

#6043693 - Thursday 21 August 2014 4:34

Dumbass of the day award goes to... Kev!! Congratulations.

By stargirl_95 | 24

#6043412 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:26

If you're getting that drunk OP then I think you may have a problem.