Love: Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my... - FML

By Kev - United States - Flemington

Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML

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Instadrama

Ambien conversations are the worst

Phone call anxiety

By makeyourselfathome - Australia - Richmond

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I noticed a rash of insect bites on the backs of my thighs and buttocks. Upon further investigation, it appears that the inside of the chair in my work cubicle is infested with bedbugs. I'm too paranoid to sit in any work chair now. There are 12 hours left in my shift. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after submitting a 500-word essay to a writing contest, I found out that I lost to someone who wrote 3 sentences. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML

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By lisacasabonita - United States

Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, 'I wish you liked anal.' FML

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By preggersmcgee - United States - Nixa

Today, I finally found a cute dress that hugged my curves and hid my imperfections. I wore it to my friend's house, and was feeling pretty good about myself, until some pregnant woman walked into the room wearing the exact same thing. It was a maternity dress. FML

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By eggnoodles - United States

Today, I woke up to find myself drenched in piss after a long night of drinking. I immediately sprang into action, tossing my bedding in the washer and hopping into the shower. Running late for work, I threw on a nice dress and got into my car. Guess who also peed in the drivers seat? FML

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By live2dance4ever

Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being out sick for a week. When I said "Here" during roll call, everyone started cheering and clapping. Apparently, my professor has been badmouthing me while I've been absent for pretending to be sick. I'm sure my grade will be fantastic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

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By wantedphantom

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

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By lateforwork

Rush hour

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML

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By cj1012 - United States

Today, a homeless man started to wet himself in the recliner at the coffee shop where I work. He then walked all the way to the bathroom, only to finish urinating in a puddle right in front of the bathroom door. Guess who cleaned it up. FML

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By shoveless - United States

Today, I came home from school to find my house ransacked. The robbers shoveled a path from my back door to the driveway, through the snow, then they stole my snow-shovel. FML

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By brokeandalone - United States

Today, I noticed fraudulent charges made in Florida that nearly drained my bank account. After reporting the fraud to the bank, I returned home from a weekend away to find a note from my husband. He and his mistress have run off to Florida to start a life together, apparently at my expense. FML

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By SolaceInRage - United States - Wilmette

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

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By Lulu

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rowville

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

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By Pissssd - United States

Today, I interviewed for a job at a pharmaceutical lab. During the interview, I said something about a past work experience that made the interviewers think that I would enjoy doing something similar to that... so they gave me a warehouse job instead. I have a degree in chemistry and biology. FML

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By garage - France

Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML

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By Adam Jensen - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was at work when a co-worker decided it would be funny to email me from my boss's computer to tell me I had been laid off. It wasn't funny when I was fired for real after "skipping work without giving notice." FML

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By Anonomous - United States - Plainfield

Naughty boy

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gander

Today, I helped an elderly woman push her grocery cart around the store, and look for her vehicle after she'd paid. After we spent ages wandering around trying to find her car, she remembered that she'd taken the bus today. FML

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By alealovespurple - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

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By Micawber - Denmark

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

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By Holly - United States

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

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By HotToTrotskyite - Russian Federation

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

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By imeanreallytho - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

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By bleredoshia - New Zealand

Smart kid

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 02:02

Best foot forward

Today, after a month of things going wrong in my life and finally getting better, I woke up refreshed and ready to face the day. Then, I fell down the stairs. FML

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By Matt - Australia

Today, I finished a website that I have been working on for ages for a friend. He tried to repay me by offering to teach me to play table tennis. FML

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By Host grandfather - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

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By hospital - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

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By blarg - United States

Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom. So, I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then decides to yell at me over facebook. Shortly after, I log out of Facebook. She then starts yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML

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By jordy1995 - United States

Today, I found out I can't go to my best friend's birthday party. To cheer me up, my parents decided to take me and my brother to my favorite pizzeria for dinner. When I was ready and went downstairs, I discovered they left already. They forgot me. FML

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By screewit - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

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Top comments

By warsun | 27

#6043391 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:16

F your grandma's life actually

By junkman6 | 22

#6043393 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:17

There's drunk and then there's that. Maybe you shouldn't drink for a while?

COMMENTS

By RusticChick | 27

#6043389 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:15

Let's hope your grandma didn't reply.

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6043470 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:16

With pics of her own...*shudders*

Reply

lnheritance | 19

#6043924 - Thursday 21 August 2014 8:30

Granny panties, *shiver*.

Reply

Smiley_70 | 22

#6043981 - Thursday 21 August 2014 11:21

Why my lad I remember when your willy was tiny!

By warsun | 27

#6043391 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:16

F your grandma's life actually

Reply

cinskeep43 | 15

#6043504 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:41

yeah I'm sure she's so proud of her grandchildren

Reply

MSDemonslayer | 5

#6043678 - Thursday 21 August 2014 4:26

Wow. I like your profile pic. Maplestory. I like that shit.

By junkman6 | 22

#6043393 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:17

There's drunk and then there's that. Maybe you shouldn't drink for a while?

Reply

cinskeep43 | 15

#6043508 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:44

for a while?!?! how bout never lol

By alice192823 | 24

#6043394 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Woah your poor grandma

By alex_622 | 22

#6043396 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

That was more than granny bargained for...

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6043544 - Thursday 21 August 2014 1:11

Or less...

By IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#6043397 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:18

Did granny send nudes back?

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#6043472 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:17

Hopefully....

Reply

FmyL6 | 19

#6043517 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:52

NOT!

Reply

LowExpectations | 30

#6043620 - Thursday 21 August 2014 2:35

(Rocks back and forth, shaking head.) No, no, no, no, no, no.

Reply

J_Kertz | 14

#6044770 - Friday 22 August 2014 10:59

#28 - People like you make me wonder...

By Pleonasm | 34

#6043404 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:19

Depending on how you played your cards, she either just took you off the will or just added you on it.

By kabza | 12

#6043406 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:22

you deserve it for sending nude pics while drunk

Reply

foxwasalamb | 24

#6043413 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:26

maybe he feels more confident under the influence. who knows.

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6043516 - Thursday 21 August 2014 0:50

If sending nudes to your grandma is confidence... I'll take 5 pitchers of timid please.

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6043545 - Thursday 21 August 2014 1:12

Sending nudes is never very smart, easy to be used against you. To an ex, very bad.

Reply

oreoeater | 21

#6043617 - Thursday 21 August 2014 2:30

your not exactly thinking straight when your drunk

Reply

sashin112792 | 7

#6043645 - Thursday 21 August 2014 3:40

Agreed, #50 but if you're drunk enough to send nudes to your grandma you might have a problem

Reply

orbit | 22

#6044255 - Thursday 21 August 2014 21:42

It probably works better than an AA meeting though

By IJG2000 | 16

#6043407 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:22

This is on a whole new level of drunk

Reply

gramirez23 | 9

#6043693 - Thursday 21 August 2014 4:34

Dumbass of the day award goes to... Kev!! Congratulations.

By stargirl_95 | 24

#6043412 - Wednesday 20 August 2014 23:26

If you're getting that drunk OP then I think you may have a problem.