Miscellaneous: Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 45

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 138

17/03/2009 20:51

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so I stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that I'm a whore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 055

You deserved it 75 704

Another great day to be alive

Commando

Something is about to bust

19/01/2009 09:21

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 931

You deserved it 8 285

22/09/2011 13:55

Today, I was expecting my period. To avoid the embarrassment of everyone in the office finding out, instead of putting tampons in my bag, I hid one in my bra. It fell out while I was coming back from lunch. I am now known to all as "The Tampon Dispenser". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 908

You deserved it 33 924

Throw in the towel

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 14:01

Today, my plan to punish my husband by leaving him for a week completely failed. When I got home from the hotel, he had his buddies over happily watching football, but his face fell when I walked in, like I’d ruined his day by coming home. I don’t think my marriage can be saved at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 428

You deserved it 1 251

01/09/2017 16:00

Today, while reviewing boxes of motorcycle parts, I noticed my neighbor's daughter gleefully watching me. I jokingly said, "Wanna do this?" and she let out a loud squee and got to work alone. A few hours later, the bike was ready for a test run. I had no idea how to even start building it. She's 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 708

You deserved it 2 466

12/02/2019 18:00

Today, I finally had an interview for my dream job. It was all going great until I started chuckling uncontrollably, snorted like a pig and hit the guy with the world's largest snot rocket. All I could do was slip out the door as he sat paralysed with shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 264

You deserved it 511

14/05/2013 11:13

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 758

You deserved it 24 878

08/08/2015 04:02

Today, my wife handed over most of our son's college fund, in cash, to an investment scammer going by the name "Herp A. Derpson". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 023

You deserved it 3 670

Waste of a phone call

By amIworthIt? - 30/06/2021 22:01

Today, I called the suicide hotline after two months of recurring thoughts. I got put on hold by their machine, then was on call with someone who barely spoke English, got transferred to another building, so I was put on hold again, and finally got hung up on. I was already feeling pretty worthless, so thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 80

First time

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 23:30

Spicy

Today, I had sex for the first time. I realised that I was more satisfied by last night's dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 206

18/10/2012 16:26

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 495

You deserved it 3 175

Choking over here

By JD. - 13/04/2021 00:30

Today, I made the horrible mistake of leaving my car windows cracked while at work. Not only is the exterior yellow due to the pollen, but so is the interior. I'm not allergic, but you can feel the pollen in the back of your throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 232

23/07/2011 11:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 740

You deserved it 6 135

08/10/2010 18:33

Today, my friend asked me how I did on my test. I got an 85%. She asked me what my secret was, and I said "I'm just smart". She replied, "No you're not. How did you pull it off?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 890

You deserved it 6 616

09/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I am severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 917

You deserved it 252

22/11/2015 05:45

Today, we buried my mom. I walked past my sister's husband just in time to hear him mutter: "Hope the fire's nice and hot down there, you old hag." I told my sister. She wouldn't believe me and accused me of trying to start drama. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 184

You deserved it 2 670

04/09/2011 05:41

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 647

You deserved it 3 864

18/07/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 621

You deserved it 9 369

The cliché is true

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 21:22

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 557

You deserved it 64 722

07/09/2010 23:48

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 944

You deserved it 8 496

16/02/2011 01:13

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 818

You deserved it 2 757

29/04/2011 20:25

Today, I ran into an old friend from college on the bus to work. Having not seen each other in over 10 years, we spent a good 15 minutes talking about our lives after college. At the end, he asked me what my name was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 283

You deserved it 5 087

07/07/2011 22:52

Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 466

You deserved it 30 563

30/11/2009 07:37

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend watching me sleep. I asked him if he was staring at me because he was in love. He replied that it was because my farting wouldn't let him sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 704

You deserved it 13 941

22/06/2016 02:45

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 710

You deserved it 1 255

21/10/2009 23:21

Today, I texted my brother saying, "Always remember I love you! Never forget it!" to which he replied, "You better not be doing drugs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 951

You deserved it 9 729

21/09/2013 01:18

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 098

You deserved it 37 702

10/05/2011 03:44

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 467

You deserved it 26 674

19/12/2011 15:40

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes, mine said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 725

You deserved it 5 435

28/02/2016 14:58

Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so we don't have to go on date night, even though I've been on the toilet all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 983

You deserved it 1 356

01/02/2009 17:38

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 275

You deserved it 5 933

Manic pixie dream girl

By now what - 13/07/2021 11:01

Today, I took my daughter to get the expensive pixie cut she’s been "dying" for. As soon as we got home, my husband burst into hysterical laughter and pointed out that she looks exactly like he did in high school. Now she’s sobbing and begging for either a wig or even more expensive extensions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 187

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

By katieemw95 - 23/09/2019 04:00

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 317

You deserved it 106

19/06/2019 19:00

Today, it's my 25th birthday, I celebrated it by cooking my favourite meal for my parents and sister, while they watched TV and house-hunted for my sister. I have yet to hear a happy birthday, receive a card, a present or a phone call. Oh, and my parents are on a diet, so they complained my cooking wasn’t "on their plan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 053

You deserved it 157

18/06/2015 12:36

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 456

You deserved it 3 466

What a cult

By not the same thing! - 12/10/2021 08:00

Today, I had an argument with my husband. I’m a stay at home with a 6, 3 and one year-old. He insisted that we homeschool, so I literally never get a break. When I told him I need people to talk to, he replied, "Why? You talk to the kids all day!” God forbid I should interact with other adults. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 135

31/03/2015 09:35

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 236

You deserved it 3 826

04/02/2017 19:00

Today, at an MA meeting, I ran into the cop who'd pulled me over and given me a ticket for marijuana possession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 443

You deserved it 1 294

15/08/2016 15:09

Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 562

You deserved it 2 945

23/04/2009 05:22

Today, I had an appraisal meeting with the Boss. She raved and gushed and told me what a great job I was doing. Then she said "Well done, Eric". Eric is not my name. She froze, opened a new file and told me my actual appraisal, which was the complete opposite of everything she had just said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 198

You deserved it 6 711

27/05/2009 00:22

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 978

You deserved it 286 888

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:27

Well, it is understandable she would think that considering the situation....

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:27

grandmas jsut jealous.

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:27

grandmas jsut jealous.

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Saturday 13 March 2010 22:27

haga nice.

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Thursday 26 August 2010 3:37

slutttt

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:27

Well, it is understandable she would think that considering the situation....

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:30

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:30

I second #1, she's not seen any such action in years!

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:31

You probably are, you idiot. Seeing that you flashed your friend, I mean, who even does that on a webcam, o ya thats right, only whores/lesbians do. So evidently you deserve it, idiot.

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:31

Her old bones can't handle the excitement anymore. :]

brunettesara5722 17

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 5:53

lmaoo agreeed

notsoanonymous3 20

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Tuesday 9 December 2014 23:58

#6***!

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:36

No worries, her grandma took some pics on the webcam of herself for me later.

thirdbase1733 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 4:23

that's just nasty.

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:50

That's awesome...and hot. Honestly you probably shouldn't have been doing that, but we all do stupid stuff with friends, so I'll got with your life being f'ed.

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:51

granny wants some of that